Aspie Communication: On Emotions and Understanding

I just realized something rather interesting.

I was thinking more about RM and the way she communicates with me and everyone else in the world. (She does the same on the phone and etc so it's not just special for me as far as I can tell.) And I realized something.

It clicked when she said something like "Just so you know, you probably shouldn't leave the chicken out for too long," telling me I should put the chicken we just bought away.

Once again, I noted the way in which she said it. She takes such care to say *everything* in such a non-offensive, friendly way. Adding the "Just so you know" or "I thought I should tell you that" or whatever it is before telling me something she wants me to do makes it again sound less like a demand or something one should be resentful for and more like just.... what it is. No drama, just... I don't know....respect?

Similarly, I realized fully for the first time how her style of communication satisfies every emotional need I have ever had in every way I ever dreamed of someone communicating - and how that completely changes the way *I* communicate with her, and my personality in doing so - for the better.

I have a tendency it seems to get angry, annoyed, irritated, whatever at people awfully fast. Faster than I would like. People just often drive me crazy. The communication gap has always seemed too wide - I just could never quite get what they were saying, and I always seemed to reply to what they said in a way that angered them, for reasons I could never quite understand. To make it simple: other people angered me and I couldn't understand what they were trying to say; I angered them and they couldn't figure out what I meant to say. An impasse.

There are two chief reasons that just about every person in the world drives me insane.
They both stem from the Aspie lack of ability to understand and interpret nuance, especially nonverbal nuance or language in communications; to interpret intent; to read other people's desires or feelings without verbal language.

One is emotions. People are never emotional enough for me. That is, they do not show their emotions and feelings in verbal ways, or they do not show them in ways I can interpret nonverbally. I am a very emotional person who has a strong need to have my emotions validated and acknowledged by others. If I am communicating with someone and I tell a story, it's the emotional part of it that matters to me, not the practical part. I get very, very frustrated by people who do not respond to or acknowledge the emotions that I express. If I am sad, hurt, or otherwise seeking comfort, I have had a VERY VERY hard time with not being able to understand that other people might feel bad for me and have empathy or sympathy, but they refuse to show it. In other words, I can't tell someone else is acknowledging my emotions. nonverbally, or in an implicit (previously understood) way.
And so I keep on feeling isolated, miserable, and so on, only 10 times worse because I think the person doesn't care, is snubbing me ,a nd so on.

The second is understanding.
Many times I have said to people I am close to, when having a discussion about any of a variety of topics, if you would just say " I understand, BUT..." and then say what you're saying, I would be fine and the discussion would proceed normally. But if I say something and the other person doesn't acknowledge it and just follows with a statement that completely disagrees with what I just said, I will often go crazy. I will start yelling or crying - it feels like I have just been completely misunderstood and what I said disregarded. I don't understand that them understanding what I said is supposed to be implicit. I can't know if they understood me unless they say so. And I cannot tolerate being misunderstood. Emotionally it plunges me into despair.
It is just one of those triggers. I had a childhood with a speech impediment and a social development disorder - therefore I grew up used to people not physically understanding what I was saying, and definitely used to people not emotionally understanding what I was saying. Add this to my theory of mind problems with Asperger's - I don't know what other people understand or know, I only know what is in my own mind - and I have NEVER taken someone understanding what I am saying for granted. Therefore, I really need people to interject those extra few words to acknowledge what I said - about any issue , really - before responding to it. If they don't, the vast majority of the time, I get very angry, upset or frustrated, as much as I try not to. This has led to trying to avoid a lot of communications due to this problem.

When I think back on it I think nearly all of my communication difficulties or tension with people, at least people I know well rather than just casual acquaintances, was due to this simple tenet: I tend to get very defensive very quickly, and I tend to be somewhat quick to anger if I think someone is not understanding what I am saying, or misinterpreting what I'm saying, or making incorrect statements about me. Part of that anger stems from the enormous amount of resentment I am carrying around from spending almost an entire lifetime being misunderstood, of being lonely, of not having anyone who I felt understood who I was. And of not being able to understand what they feel either. It is a feeling of being cut off from other people and the world that is quite unpleasant. And so when the inevitable miscommunication occurs, it reminds me of this, this bitterness, this resentment, and that makes me angry. Therefore my response to the person who made the gaffe might be or quite often will be out of porportion to what they actually sad or did. This is not something I like or am proud of but I am starting to realize why things happen the way they do.

It is possible that my tone of voice or attitude could be construed as a lot more negative, irritable and offensive than I ever realized it was, just because I'm in this constant state of frustration, anger and fear because I feel like no one ever is understanding the things I feel it is essential for them to understand - or the more likely scenario of they understand it fine but are not able to communicate that understanding in a way that I can pick up on. So they get hurt or offended that I didn't pick up on their positive, caring vibes and got offended instead; i get hurt and offended by interpreting the message wrong and thinkign they don't care or understand. It's a negative cycle to be sure.

This doesn't happen with EVERY single interaction, and rarely with strangers, but does a lot with people I know.

The reason I bring this up:

I realized that NONE of this , that is none of the negative reactions, have been happening with my roommate. I have been keeping mental note of all the amazing ways in which she communicates in exactly the way I need it. And I still can't quite believe it.

1. The emotional part - she acknowledges EVERY emotion, thought, feeling. Naturally. All of her statements and the very fiber of the way she communicates is designed to acknowledge and emotionally validate the person she is talking with. It is just the way she is, naturally - but I have never met anyone like that in my life. It is so ....calming and de-escalating to hear someone affirming me, understanding me, and to be able to *understand* her understanding. Her tone of voice is filled with empathy, joy, affirmation - I usualy can't understand anything but the most obvious tones of voice, but I can understand this, and it lifts my soul. Her face, too, displays nothing but empathy, concern, joy - acknowledgement - and again - the emotions are such in a way that I can read them. That has happened all too rarely in my life. It has kept me much more emotionally level - every time my emotions start to escalate, and I talk to her, it just makes me feel calm, centered, able to move on. Not that I don't have any anxiety because I do - but it makes it entirely manageable for the most part. And I appreciate the lighter burden to carry.
It's not even so much what she says, it's not what she does - it's that she's able to communicate that she cares, and that just means the world to me.

2. Understanding. Again, with everything she does, she shows that she understands everything I say. Every single word. You have no idea how refreshing and wonderful that is. When emotions have a hold of me they are like a savage beast that rips me apart and threatens to devour me. The loneliness and isolation feed the beast. The anxiety coming from containing the emotion or feeling within me is terrible. It needs to come out. When someone shows me they understand the emotion, they understand where it is coming from, they can even label it perhaps - it strips the beast of all its power. It takes the fear and overwhelmingness away. It makes me feel connected and wonderful and warms my heart. And again, she does this , it seems, so naturally it stuns me. I mean, I have felt pretty bad because of health stuff lately and am often rather brain fogged, but even through my fog, I'll hear the emotion, the understanding, the empathy in her voice and be amazed and appreciative. I spent years and years, in college, before college, after college, crying because I wanted this so bad but there was nowhere to get it. I wasn't getting it from my family, and attempts to do so resulted in being told I was "manipulating" them, which hurt me even more; I tried to get it from various teachers and professors in high school and college, and got very small amounts which I cherished, but I largely was left alone. Dreaming of, and trying to imagine, what it would feel like to communicate with someone who actually "got" me, who it didn't seem like pulling teeth to communicate with.

And now I have found it. It is of course tempered by all of the other problems I am having health-wise, and I am often mad that I feel I am not ableto appreciate it as much as I should. I feel like had this happened a few weeks ago I'd be just in love with the situation, relaxed, and joyful all the time. Instead, in some ways, my anxiety issues are at an all time high, and I really don't like that. My brain fog makes it so sometimes things seem too far away to process or appreciate. But through it all I remain determined to acknowledge and make sure to appreciate the good things that have befallen me.

It seems in part that I have found a partial answer to why I seem to have trouble relating to so many people. I need people who are much more emotional, much more expressive, and verbally express their understanding. And after meeting RM I know it is possible.

The question i,s, can I use this knowledge to help me not be pissed off by other people?

I a,m thinkingthat will be difficult. The response is too ingrained. Perhaps with therapy but that isnt an option due to MCS. for most paer. Can I try to seek out people who I can educate, who I can use this knowledge to show them how to best communicate with me in a way that will make me less likely to bite off their head? I hope so.

To be honest, I really do try to restrain myself. I do not consider myself a rude person, I do not attack people verbally, I'm not really that bad.... I think it's mostly my tone of voice that I am not aware of until after the fact that can take on an overly irritated tone that can be offensive to others. I do very closely watch my words so as not to be offensive but to monitor both that and be aware of my tone of voice and prevent hair trigger reactions to triggers is something I find very difficult.

So....some good lessons and understanding here tonight I think.

Kate