More Maine thoughts

More thoughts.. It feels good, to some extent, to sit here and reflect. I started from this place seven months ago, so nervous, creating this blog about moving to Oregon, and learning how to Bend. I left with high hopes. I couldn't wait to get out of this place. I was desperate. Well, what a summer it was. Newport, Bend, Eugene, and New York in the fall. But now I am back, seven months later. And I am just going to do the best I can. I have a better relationship with my parents - I think - for now anyway - that does seem to change quite frequently, lol. But they have been very supportive tonight. And that makes me feel good. It is what I wanted. So, I am just going to do the best I can. Que sera, sera. I am a little nervous right now because my dad has his music on loud. And I need to go to sleep early to get up for tomorow. But whatever. If thats the worst of it thats okay right? I will be creative. Okay. Well, quite a day today with that trip but I did it. I should be proud of myself. I did something difficult.

I was going to Falmouth Tues but really dont want to push it that far. Am afraid will go crazy with nothing to do here tomorrow. Dont want to lose my independence. Too many opportunities to get into conflict or get depressed by things here. Part of me does want to stay, but the other part of me says "you had a good evening with them, better quit while you're ahead," and that is the part I am going with. Anyway the decision is made so. I think I need to keep riding on that adrenaline anyway.

So. I will be okay. The plan is , I hope I can get to sleep and get seven hours of sleep. And feel somewhat rested. Normally after a long trip I would not attempt to do something diffficult the next day but doing nothing would be worse so , so be it. Yea. Be brave.

At 1, we will leave for Falmouth. I will be calm patient etc . Put all stuff in there. Talk to him. Then head to Portland. Walk around if nice out. Hope I am feeling well enough to. Shop at Whole Foods, see Rob for dinner, go back, hope I can sleep good and long tomorrow night. Walk by Town Landing and the ocean Tuesday I hope.

Worried about my back, but hopefully it will get better. I'll take the magnesium if it doesn't maybe? I don't know. I am out of magnesium need to get more. I have trisalts tho.
If it doesn't tomorrow then I need to be patient until it does.

I am worried about being able to tolerate the sheets to be able to sleep. I usually have trouble tolerating other people's sheets. But I need to, right? I was worried abou that before I came. Jus be patient, you can tolerate them, might take a few days to get used to them. But you will. Other idea is to maybe wash sheets I have or rewash these. Need laundry det. for that, hmm.
You can tolerate them. Just try to sleep for a few hours. Then get up and go see your beloved city, finish the job.

Worrying doesnt do any good but having a comfortable bed is very importanrt to me and I get very nervous worrying I won't. But worrying will do no good. I will find a way. I just need sheets I can tolerate.

If you don't feel good when you go to sleep , or when you wake up, be patient and know you will feel better later. You will find a way to get decent sleep. You will find away to feel good. Be patient.

And go to sleep because you had a long day and you deserve and ned it.

Okay, ned food, some more crackers, banana, rb, and bed

Need to remember all stuff in room, food in cabnet and fridge, other stuff on list, and be strong

Getting kidn of tired of thisd but is ok

Kate




I need to

I am back in Maine!

First things first: it is much easier to type on the computer than sitting on the floor. I am in a much more natural position, and it just flows. Sitting on the floor to use the computer is apparently a no no. No wonder I got so much done in Eugene and struggled so much in NY.

I am actually happy to be back at my dad's house. I never thought I'd say that in a million years. But, Danielle's house was dark, cold and had some mold issues I believe. I NEVER felt right, I never felt alert, or awake, or functional in that house. I just couldnt function without, well most of all light . Dark and dim places just make my brain shut down. The house was nice but .... a cold, dark and maybe moldy room, not so much. And the water of course.

My dad's house is so wonderfully lit, light everywhere. It's WARM . And I just took the most wonderful shower with non toxic water. So those things are good.

The trip actually went quite well. I was VERY surprised! 5.5 hours door to door. EXACTLY like Mapquest predicted, and not a minute longer. No traffic, didnt even have to make any bathroom stops. No public bathroom, no trauma. Almost no stress. Amazing. Kellie and her grandparents were fine and no fragrances. Talked to them for most of it, slept for maybe an hour listenng to cd. Stopped 20 min at rest stop outside of Worcester in Ma.

Far different from how I had imagined - I had imagined trauma beyond belief, not being able to tolerate the car for 5 min, being toxed by public bathrooms and justr generally not coping. Also afraid trip would take hours more cus of traffic.

It's wonderful when things turn out better than you expect. Reminder that you never know; you can be SURE the worst will happen in mind but if you're patient and calm enough to wait and see what happens, you might be surprised.

But had mini breakdown last 20 min. I woke up and lo and behold we were in Scarborough already! My God! 20 min left and I started to panic. I didnt want to go to my dad's. I was really panicked about it. I just couldn't imagine how it was going to work. I had to talk myself down for it for 20 min and I was still scared.

But you know what, it went okay. I made sure to make conversation and keep my fears at bay. I walked in the house and didnt let any smells get to me. I was patient with myself. Made small talk even if uncomfortable. Went for short walk. Talked a little more after, dinner although nothing I could eat but was okay, the point is everything was civil. We made civil conversartion. No meltdowns, no criticisms, civilness. I was glad.

I thought about it and I don't want to push my luck past 24 hrs so I am moving to Falmouth tomorrow. But I am immensely relieved that at least so far I have managed 8 hours or so in my dad's house without any emotional regressions, breakdowns or conflicts. I don't want to push it though. We're leaving at 1 tomorrow so it will be an early night for me, plus I am tired from trip.
Going over there, goign to be calm, going to walk around Portland if it's nice out, going to meet Rob for dinner and go to to Whole Foods. I am actually feeling a little bit hopeful. And thankful for my parents helping me as much as they have so far.

Bent my back out of shape but other than I am feeling hopeful. And had a great, great shower, it felt so good to be clean! lost my shampoo so thats damn annoying and will have to mail order some more. But I stood in the hallway in my towel after the shower for must have been 20 minutes just enjoying the sensation of being clean, and in a well lit hallway that just made me feel good....and reflected on how important environment is...and mindset .

May I have the patience to keep achieving my goals. Maybe if you dont try to predict so much what will happen things will happen in their own time? If only I could learn that lesson, I try so much. The only good thing about moving so much is it forces my brain into different places it wouldnt go otherwise. I get stuck in thought patterns and moving shakes me loose of them and lets me think of things in a new light. That's not why I move of course; I'd rather not move. I move because of MCS. But it's an interesting and welcome side effect.

Here's to hope.
Kate

Going back to Maine

From Portland to Portland and beyond. That was the name I gave this blog when I left Maine to go to Oregon seven months ago. Little did I know how true that would end up being. I have been to the farthest reaches of the West coast - a small town on the Pacific coast - to more central parts of Oregon, to New York state, and now I am fulfilling the second part of the destiny and coming back to Maine, back to Portland. Who says you can't go home again, indeed.

I found a fragrance free person on Craigslist, who lives in Falmouth. Falmouth is the next town over from the town I grew up in, Cumberland. The house this guy lives in is right by Town Landing Market, which I biked to several times a week as a kid growing up. Lots of nostalgia there. I love it. I love the idea of going back to where I grow up. I am hoping it will feel like "home," a sense of belonging and rightness that has been absent for so long, that I have been seeking and feeling the absence of so acutely.

I know when I came back from Montana, I couldn't believe how good it felt to be back in Maine. In fact, every time I have come back to Maine, I have remarked that it feels like home, so good, so right.

So I am hoping this time will be no exception. I'm tired of New York, and tired of moving.

That I could find a place to live near Portland but not at my parents' seems something of a miracle. I must remember to be thankful for that. When there was no other option - something came up. I was provided for.

Somehow. I know there will be oh so many problems. There already are! But maybe I have a chance. I know there will be so much to get over. The clothes are the biggest problem. I am worried to death over my clothes situation. Having 2 pairs of clothes just doesn't work, especially when no good way to wash them. But I have to make it work some how.
There are many areas of my life where I am not functioning very well at all in right now. But I have to be patient as I figure out ways to overcome these obstacles.

Maybe the memories and thought of the sea breeze, getting roast beef, grilled veggies and other goodies at Whole Foods and wandering around, walking around Portland, seeing Town Landing, walking to the ocean, and just being in a place I can call home will overcome the worry and anxiety about whether or not my clothes smell, and how long I will feel sick from whatever I just got toxed from, and how I am going to function without, well, any functional clothes save two.

Maybe it can give me the strength I need to fight my battles. I hope so.

Dare I say it, maybe even a sense of adrenaline. I want this, I want to do this. I want Maine, in whatever form I can get it in .Do I wish I had more concrete ways of .... functioning? More concrete things to ....look fwd to? Yes. But I know I want Maine. I will make it work, right? Maine is Maine is Maine is Maine.

Even to just go out for a walk with my music will be good enough.

I need to get myself excited. Okay. I will not let the incident from tonight bother me. Was toxed tonight byt something.
I will think of the good.
I am going to go to bed, not get much sleep but oh well, I am going to get up and I will be excited. Maine! I will get msyelf up. I will go eat. I have red pepper AND garlic hummus. Yum! I love hummus I. I made cute rice cracker and roast beef and hummus sandwhiches. So cute, so good. The beef, cracker and hummus flavor all meld together perfectly. Okay, I will get up and eat . I will Calmly, Patiently figure out what the last minute things I need to do to be ready are. I will calmly, patiently roll the pillow and blanket in foil and put in trash bag and close. I will put last minute things in suitcase and make them fit somehow. I will have salad before I go. I will make sure to give D a check before I go. I will ask her about the clothes and donating them. Calmly. When Kellie comes I will calmly help her figure out how to fit all the stuff into the car. Calmly and not worriyng about what goes where and how mcuh can fit. We will figure it out. I will remember stuff from porch. I will not freak out about smells in the car, or on her. I will not freak out about smells in the kitchen or other possible belongings. I can wash them if have to. I will make sure I have all my food accessible. I will remember the good, how kind Jill and Josh were to help me out so much at the health food store. What a beautiful lovely town this was. I will calmly get in and we sill start driving. We will pick up her grandparents. I will be calm. I will talk to Kellie, listen to music if can, look at scenery, play games with her maybe. I will eat my food, crackers, meat and so on. I have bison, half got cooked well, the other half too pink but whatever, will eat other half. Steak that tastes terrible. So worried I am completely spoiled by the Nature's Place organic beef. Must not think of that. More roast beef than I can possibly eat. THREE QUARTERS of a lb of roast beef. Sheesh. Like I really needed that much. lol, I won't go hungry, thats for sure. So, be calm, try to sleep, take lorazepem to calm if needed. When go to public restroom stay calm and don't freak out. Go in quickly, come out, dont worry about being toxed, know reaction will pass. I have trisalts I bought, so hopefully I can take those and it will help with reaction. Distract. Distract self until get to Maine, and be glad to get to Maine

listen to my im a survivor cd

I've got to keep my sense of humor, I've got to find things to laugh about.
Music.

I was born three months to early, but must have had my mama's will and God's amazing grace, I think I'll keep on living, because ...something....I'm a survivor (Reba McEntire)

It is worth it for Whole Foods. I need something concrete to look fwd to so that is it. WF and Portland.

When I get to my dad's I will be calm. I will not be over emotional when I go inside. I will not freak out over smells. I will not let emotional memories of the past overtake me. I will use bathroom, put stuff in, make small talk. I hope I can tolerate living room and kitchen, couldnt last time due to remodeling. Been 7 months so I sure hope so. If not, dont panic. I will sit on couch if can make small talk tell about adventures, trip, Daniele, PJ, all the interesting people I met here. Hopefully there will be something to eat. Eat it, dont worry. Hopefully can go on compuyter. Don't worry about sleeping situation Just sleep. Take shower, that will feel so good after no decent shower water fora while. Don't take criticisms to heart. Know you have always found a way to survive before and you always will again. Get good sleep, take walk Monday if not raining. Find things to do. Ask if she can take me to WF for groceries after Falmouth so have food. Ask ifany winter thjngs can borrow if need them, ask for something to wash clothes in, dont worry, dont take thingsseriously. Food will be worked out. I hope. Make the best fof it . Go to Falmouth either Mon or Tues. Don't let any smells there bother you; nothing is permanent. Be calm, relaxed, courteous. Don't let yourself feel anythign too much at first give time to get used to it. Make do with what you have. Remember the alternatives. There ARE no alternatives. Altern is worse than can imagine so try to make best of it.
Go to Portland, I hope, walk around and enjoy it! Go to Portland, WF, meet Rob for dinner, enjoy it as much as possible.
Walk to ocean and let that relax you.
Call therapists re in house meeting.
Mariane re meds.
Yarmouth Taxi re taxi maybe
Case managers
warm line
Friends

There are options, possibilities, choices in Maine. I will do whatever it takes to get there. I will calm myself enough to know there is always a solution. I am strong enough and brave enough to be calm enough to wait for that solution, while I try to figure out asolution. It isn't the end.

I will keep fighting on.

Life is worth it.

I hope. :)

Washing clothes worries me, but somehow I will find a way to have clean clothes, somehow! How ironic that that is basically my single biggest problem in life, everyone needs something right?

I will do it. I will slay this dragon. And I will be proud of myself because I don't need anyone else to do it for me, right? I can be.

(However will gladly accept other people being proud and happy and so on if they so desire)

Okay..... I will do it .

Just had to write that all out and get my mind in a better place.

I will be strong against what happened tonight with toxedness and when I go into kitchen ignore the feeling, I can do this, I will do this

Kate

College roommates come to visit; thoughts on where to live

10pm Friday night, long day, thoughts going all over place

1. Old college roommates came today. Man oh man. It was a good day but a long one. Got myself out of bed , waited for them to come, oh but it really was so nice to see them. I love them. I love Allison's face. I mean just looking at it. She radiates care, concern, sympathy, comfort, and just familiarity - she radiates Allison. She radiates ...... this personthat I feel so comfortable with. How could I have forgotten how comfortable I feel with her? How could I have forgotten how good being with her makes me feel? How safe? I had forgotten because I took it for granted, back when I was in college and had her as much as I wanted, all the time. I hadn't seen her since then. We've kept in touch over the years, certainly, on the phone. Sometimes months would go by but we always stayed in touch. She always supported me and understood me and accepted everything, even the most bizarre and quirky parts of MCS, without a second thought.
And I missed Claire's easy humor, the way she puts things, just again that "Claire"ness. She can always make you laugh. She brought her 9 month old baby girl who was adorable to look at and play with. And take pictures of - she was VERY photogenic.
It was great to be in the same room as them. It was great to see them... Allison, with her long blonde curly hair - she's grown it out since college! - her glasses and inquisitive eyes that don't miss anything; Claire with her easy laugh, her straight brown hair, Miriam on her shoulder or lap... all three of us together.
We talked for a while but it was somewhat stilted at first as these things usually are, and I was feeling brain fogged and out of it as usual, nervous at laundry detergent roommate had used, and a million other things; plus my RM was moving out and that was a distracting level of chaos and activity around us. The babysitter kept the kids blessedly quiet though and I appreciated that.
The air was bothering me outside again, so I didn't want to go out at first. That was fine. We sat and talked and took lots and lots of baby pictures. Reminsced about college memories. it was an effort to speak at times due to feeling foggy but it went okay. I love taking pictures so that part was fun. Then we decided to go out, air wasnt so bad once in it later inday, and I actually felt better , so good. Felt good to be walking down street with college roommates - lived togerther sophomore year at Goucher in Baltimore- with the baby. Went to Front st, drugstore for Allison, got some good pictures of them under the Ballston Spa sign. Hope her pics of me turn out good too, one of me on Front St looked great on the camera; I could really use a good pciture of me. Anyway. Went to health food store, looked at spices, got some crackers, talked about thefood. Got some ginger chews for Allison.
Walked back, talked some more on way back. Had mini meltdown over something at door but got over it and Claire helped a lot. Took a while to get oriented when back inside. And the damn Internet stopped working because roommate who left had taken ethernet cord with her and it took a while to re set it up - tried to do it then and there as Claire offered to help if it didnt work. So... that was stressful but worked eventually. Sat and talked with them, just enjoying being in their presence, I miss that about college, you know, having easily accessible friends? Didnt realize how good it was or I had it because I wanted so much more then, don't we all ?
They had to go...wasgetting late . I showed them my room... we did a prayer before they left. It was beautifu. I used to think I couldnt meditate, or listen to meditation stuff, until like a week ago.
I just had to get up and stretch and I shouldnt have because it totally made me lose train of thought but oh well I will try.
Allison said the most beautiful heartfelt prayer that included things like there being a safe place for me somewhere and me being provided for and lifted up when I needed it. I am not religious but I have come to see that from the right person it doesn't matter what God they pray to, what deity they call theirs, it is the sentiments, thoughts and ideas that matter. They can pray to a God that is not mine and I still feel just as comforted as if I believed in him, because it is coming from their hearts, and it is just nice to believe or imagine that such a thing existed. I suppose it is this same reasoning that allows me to listen to and enjoy country music, lol. And Claire gave a similarly thoughtful but also humorous prayer that had me laughing out loud as well as nodding in agreement and understanding.
I should get into this prayer thing, I don't find it meaningful to do myself but I do find it meaningful to listen to someone else do it.
Maybe a meditation tape would help after all.
Then we sang 'There more we are together the happier we will be" which I suggested because it makes me happy to sing that and it drove home that we were together.
Then they had to go.
Then I had another mini meltdown over something else which was much worse than first and scary but thankfully got over it with phone call relatively quickly.
Then...I called well. Now I am getting too tired to type ths. There is a potential living opportunity in western Ma.
MCS bed and breakfast. Called out of blue to ask if they would do monthly rate. B and Bs dont usually but. He surprised me by saying maybe for January since he is on vacation then. Told me to call back in a couple days and did tonight. Surprised me further by being amenable to what I was asking. Asked if it would be possible to do December 1 since technically that is when I am supoosed to be out. At first said no, but then seemed to change his mind and say that could work. Suggested price to him , again first he said that's too low, but then seemed to change his mind and say, well, you know I could probabyl do that. Is goign to talk to his wife, nothinf definite yet.
So hung up phone stunned and discombulated, amazed that it seemed like I had maybe been able to talk this guy into letting me rent the suite for 2 months, when I totally didn't expect to get anywhere near what I wanted, or that he'd even consider it. There would be several benefits to living in Amherst... it's a great college town with lots of funky shops, or was last time I was there anyway... been a long time. My grandparenrts live by Springfield, 30 min away. There is an Aspergers group there but not sure if accessible due to mcs. There is supposed to be mcs grp but never have found contact info/. There is a therapist who is trained as psych nurse who has MCS and does mcs consulting , from mcs safe home office - that would be REALLY good as I really need therapy of some kind, and I havent gotten it the entire 3 yrs Ive had mcs. I just hope she is still available I am pretty sure she takes Medicare but we'll see.
Thoguth was mcs dr who took insurance too but am told waiting list till May, maybe his partner is better, who knows.
So lots of good things, but it does still leave me feeling apprehensive and not quite sure why. Maybe cus any change is hard. Maybe because even though 2 months is a lot better than 1 , it's still 2 months - and I am tired of having to move eevry 2 months. I have been herew 2 mos. Um I dont know. Not definite yet. Would be weird to live in MA after it being the place Ivisit for so long or have connotations of my grandparents for so long. I am sure they would be delighted. I wonder if I would be able to tolerate their house.

But other thing is, there might be a possibility of a place in Vermont; a roommate situation with another mcs person I found on Craigslist. Part of me is saying can I really give up what could be a long term situation in favor of one that wll last only 2 months? But, roommate situations are really far from the ideal situation for me, let's just say, and if I could have my own place for 2 months I think I should probably take that. I basically decided to start on a medication for my anxiety, Lexapro, that dr suggested as has low side effects and supposed to work more quickly, and damn it, if I could have somewhere safe to go for two months while I waited for the medication to HOPEFULLY work so I could cope better and hopefully deal better with the whole looking for my own space or apt thing, it might really be a good thing. My stepmom thinks I will be in a "much different space" if I do this, and that things will "fall in place." I would hope so.
I mean I know I cant go back to my parents' due to all the conflicts there, so I really need to take anything I can get.
If I could find mcs drs covered by insuance in W.MA I'd do that too of course. Have to hire someone to do driving etc etc but have been able to do that before so . hopefully this time too.
Just so much to think about.
I wonder if the woman who runs the AS group there could help me.
I wonder if my cousin is still in the area.
Oh yea and I almost forgot WHOLE FOODS. Best WF I have ever been to is in Hadley right near there. I really miss and love WF. My budget doesnt but I do lol. mmmmm.
Granted I cant eat most things anymore and so it is not as fun but am sure there is *something* I could find in there to tempt me.
Well anyway.
If I really did leave in 2 weeks thats awfully soon and a lot of preparations would need to be made ahead of time that I am not really surre I could handle, but onthe other hand mayeb is better than waiting and wondering if RM will have room rented on 1st, she doesn't know, and if well if then I'd have to leave anyway so better to know I have a place to go of course. And waiting and wondering if the heat situation is going to get much worse or how much worse amnd when.

But I talk to the Vermont person on Monday so should know more then. I guess it's good to have an option, even tho it's not sure yet, even tho it kind of overwhelms me in other ways, bcs it's better rthan the panic and despair of not knowng whee you are going.

I am so tired...and so overloaded by everthing that happened todat even tho ir was a good day.
Ate dinner early at 8 so that felt weird. 11 now. Will go for snack later. D wnants me t unload dishwasher which i never do at night usually and tired dotnt want to but ewill have to
I want t oload pics tonighjt but dont know
Would be nice to go to bed earlier but dont know
Not sure what tomorow will bring but hopefully rest and less panic I am so tired of the emotion of panic
I hope rest and better air.... is what I hope ha.
Supposed to rain tomorow
Need to email ...family..call...something
Would be good to get writing done by way too out of it for that
Insyrance company didnt approve medication i wanetd to start so not sure if that wll hapen or when
Worried about medical issues and how long I can hold on and keep functioning
Of course dont know for sure I czan tolerate b and b without going there but it was built to be mcs friendly so I imagine it would be ok, but of course dont know. Need to ask more detailed quesitons when I talk to him next.
trying to do food stamp application in ny state but if i leave i iamgien wont be able to but they do phone interviews so i need to. need birth crrtificate, SS card that I dont have rth. damn that ro hell. and i dont think they will accept a copyu. call all offices to see on monday. take a t least 1-2 wks to ge that stuff I'd imagine. Cant do both but. Need to do that before leave. Ugh.
Wonder if Daniele doesnt find someone if maybe we could agree on Dec 7.... the b and b and her. that would give extra week to get ready.
But he's notgoing to rent past end of Jan so.. need to keep that in mind too.
If i could get myself i nbetter shape then it would be great but who knows what woll happen.
i am so tired of craigslist.
okay think I need to go zone out I will survive this all somehow
I am strong
Roomwas bothering me a lot today but a little better now
Damn, will this all work, who knows.
If rented it from him would need specific lease so as nto to run into trouble of some sort..who knows.
if dont load pics can tomorrow i guess
Ok...end of mind dump for now ha
And I would really miss this area nd the health food store and Daniele if I was to leave; after 2 months I have gotten quite used to it and like all of it and Daniele so much. How will I leave it? I hate having to move so much. If it weren't for heat issue I would consider staying. But does not seem wise. To live in such uncertainty. And I will miss my friend PJ very much who I met here. I wis hI could stay somewhere long enuf to put down roots. It's not fair to have to move every 2 months, to live a life constantly dedicated to survival, to just existing, for years on end. Sometimes just want to give up but that wouldnt work either. So I keep moving. It just doesnt work. I dont want to have to move again but no choice. Room downstairs has essential oils l;eft by previous RM and right next to noisy kids playroom; she suggested moving there as it has heat but bcs of those 2 things I dont think it would work. Wish I could stay somewhere here but no place for me here. And I still dont know if I can get country radio stns in Amherst....important to me.May or may not. Would like to visit first but have to pay someone to drive me there and no money unless can borrow it .how much more can my body handle i wonder. Someone in MA, Longmeadow actually wherer my g-parents live, said that you can qualift in ma for caretakers ... housing paid etc.... with AS...but doubt it.... usualyl need low IQ etc sever autism to qualify... call him tomorrow. ned t ostop thinkliung.

Kate

Anatomy of a Thought Process

Anatomy of a Thought Proccess

QUICK background: due to not having heat in the room here and not being allowed a space heater, and generally not getting along well with living with non MCS roommates (even if mostly fragrance free but not all FF which is a problem), as well as two small kids, I have had to look for other arrangements, yes, again. But this time still in same state at least. Remembered I knew a MCS woman in Rhinebeck, 2 hrs from here, and contacted her and by chance she had a room she wanted to rent, a large one with more privacy than I am used to, so I am hoping that works out. I need to live with MCS people to be MCS safe. Anyway I have been trying to get there and the person who was going to take me didn't show up today; we had been planning it for most of the week. This was written in reflecting on the events of the day.

I was supposed to go to Rhinebeck to see a place to live today and had made plans with someone who was going to take me. I had been preparing for it and building up for it all weekend and for most of the week before. I had spent much worrying, thought, anticipation, etc on it. I made a point to go to bed hours earlier than normal and get up for me rather early to go, and believe me, I didnt really want to get out of bed. So when the appointed hour of 12:30 came, and I was tired and cranky and wanted to get on with it, I was a little peeved when no one showed up. And even more so when I couldn't get her on the phone. When the half an hour mark passed and she still wasn't there, I was more than a little upset. But looking back on the whole thing provides interesting insights on the process of dealing with change and the basic flexibility that we have to exercise as human beings. I would guess that everyone must go thru a similar process like this to adjust to new things in life, but perhaps people with Asperger's have it a bit harder than others. I wonder if anyone else's thought process looks like this. It seemed a good way to illustrate a very common process in life.

12:30pm: I hope she comes

12:40pm Well, I have to give her 15 min to be late...

1pm OMG, My world will be over if she doesn't come; I HAVE to get to Rhinebeck today!

1:05 pm calling woman whose house it is, who knows K "Surely she can do something and get a hold of K for me"

1:20pm If I call the other people I know from Craigslist ,someone will be able to take me

2pm Okay, well, I guess it's not the end of the world if I don't go today. I guess I can find other things to do to fill the day. I guess I can be okay with going tomorrow.

2:30pm Made plans with someone else to go tomorrow and am somewhat ok with it

It is interesting to me to observe so specifically and in detail the process of going from a state of panic and not being able to accept or even entertain an idea ("She's not coming") to being able to come to terms with and accept the idea. I wish I knew how to speed up the process, but it ocurs to me you need to go thru all the stages - Worry (that it might or is happening), Denial (no, this can't be happening, I won't let it), Bargainning ("Surely there is something I can do to avoid this, if I just...") and finally Acceptance and Finding Other Alternatives ("Well, I guess this isn't so bad, I can deal with this, and I'll have to do X instead.")

Sometimes the process happens so quickly, from near panic to almost total acceptance in a little more than an hour, that you can really observe all the different stages and be amazed that you can feel each one so acutely, and yet, they change. Most of the time especially with more difficult events in life, this process takes a LOT longer to go thru, and you can be stuck in one stage for a very, very long time. But the important thing to remember is you do eventually go thru the stages, and acceptance of whatever the problem is and ways to work around it will eventually come. Things will change. But rarely have Iseen this so well illustrated as I did today.

Really, I have to go thru this process everytime anything bothersome happens to me, to try to accept it. Often I have to do it verbally with someone or online with someone. People tell me they dont understand what the purpose of me "hashing things out" is when I need to talk about them, and that drives me crazy. I never put it into words before but I realize now - every conversation where I talk about problems - I am going through these four stages. I can be an absolute mess at the beginning, in a complete panic, but by the end, I have worked through it and managed to accept it .I guess I just need the space to be able to do that. I wish it was quicker sometimes but at least I am able to work it out. Some people just get stuck in anger or worry I guess but I can't stand those states for long soI do try to come to peace about things.

Can anyone relate?