Fore River Sanctuary

Alright, I am frazzled as usual. What else is new. Went on winter hiking expedition with Nate and Rob today. Found trail in middle of busy intersection on Westbrook Portland line. Nate and I thought there was no way a trail existed there but Rob found it! Man he was good. He found it. We walked it for about half an hour. Varried terrain, not as flat as I might have wanted but not steep either, a bit icy, but it worked. Saw a frozen Fore River. Heard ice cracking. Beautiful to be out in nature like that even if a bit cold. Nice to do something together. When we crossed a stream frozen over or a puddle or whatever I said "But is it safe?" And Nate said "Only if you don't walk on it!" Ha, I thought that was funny. We found a non icy spot to cross. So. Then we had dinner at Whole Foods. I am thankful for them. Much of my life is in dissaray and I am faced with lots of issues that I need to take action on but at least there are bright spots. Going to visit my parents tomorrow. For a couple days. Hope that goes okay. Night.

Portland Day Two, and meeting Curry

Curry, the MCS person I found, took me into Portland today. The day got off to a not so good start due to some things happening in the house. We talked for 90 minutes. It was good to talk. Then I only had 90 min till I was going to meet Nate and Rob. But even though it was dark I still enjoyed Portland. At first I wonderd if I would but it is impossible not to. I got into it. I went from, the Eastland on upper Congress, down to Monument Square, down to Exchange, and of course stopped at the park by O'Naturals and did some curb walking. Love those curbs. White Liar came on and I did genuinely enjoy myself for those 5 in or so. Then continuing down Exchange, Moulton, the water, and over to Standard Baking on Commercial, but I didn't stop there. The new shoes are working great - last time I had HAD it by then and it took like a long time. This time it went by like nothing. I continued walking past SB on Commercial, not even sure or remembering what I'd find; turned to walk back up by the hotel and was surprised to see the huge indoor swimming pool at the hotel that stretches the full length of one wall. Walked up, turned when I got to the street where Fore Street (the restaurant) is, walked down there a while, my body enjoying the intuitive feel of turning corners and alleyways that it's done so many times they are inscribed in my heart and brain automatically. It was dark, I could hardly see, there weren't as many lights as in some parts and with my glasses the way theey are - but my body knew these streets intuitively. My mind didn't remember where I was going other than vaguely , but my body did. It was a great feeling. These are my streets. Bon Jovi - Who says you cant go home. I heard it when I got to Whole foods. So, down Fore Street, all the way; in fact when I got back to Moulton I decided to keep going, all the way past the candy shop, peer in the window, all the way till it met with the street that intersects with Wharf, down there, across Wharf, got to see all the restaurants back doors , peek in their kitchens, past Chocolate Bar Cafe, down the cobblestones, walk on the curb, till I ended back on Moulton again - how's that for a perfect square! Up Exchange and decided to do a right on Middle all the way down where Maple's and Movie Exchange is, and back again, up exchange, to the beautiful building with the clock on it, making sure to go three or so blocks EAST this time, past the City Hall even, looking for Pearl as I remembred that's the street that goes to Whole Foods directly. Dark and could hardly see where I was going , but a feeling of confidence in my heart. This is my city. I am going down to the water, what could go wrong, I know about where I'm going. :) WF directly at bottom. Love it - inuitive, effortless, walking around Portland is just like I said before, a mandala.

So at least one hour good. Worried about several other things but what can I do? Worried about smell downstairs but it will go away I know it; worried abiut computer and being abel to use it; worried about othet things; they will be fine, it will be fine, I will find a way to make it ok. Need to make appt with dr and see if they can help me. Call food stamps. Do SOEMTHING proactive tomorrow. Driving me insane not to. We'll see what happens. I can't freak out. Take one day at a time. Not everyday will besame as last.

Nate is getting me a toaster ovenwith broil function from CL, Oh, and it's all metal and glass, and metal doesnt offgass, so thats very good. I hope it doesn't offgass. And I hope it works. It would be great to have an easy way to cook things. Stick a steak in there and take it out ten minutes, now thats the easy way of cooking. Hope the smell does not bother Michael as it did last time.

That would be nice to hsve one thing solved

Need to have hope and not give int oworry
Kate

On Being with Other People and Liking It

I seriously need some water but I am resisting going downstairs because I really want to get something done and if I leave, well, there goes my focus. So, hello focus, where are you? I want to try to write about Marion. Why am I so thirsty? I don't know.

On Being with Other People and Liking It

I have never exactly been the kind of person who can "hang out" with other people. My Asperger's makes me more than a little bit socially inept, and makes it difficult for me to figure out how to make small talk and conversation appear natural. I have to put a lot of effort into everything I say, and it takes a lot of energy to think out what I want to say, and how to say it. It takes a lot of energy to make things flow. Therefore, conversations can be exhausting. I like them; I am something of an extrovert in some ways. Conversation is often difficult for me but I cherish it. I seek it out. I start conversations with everyone who seems the least bit willing. I get a lot out of conversations. But that doesn't mean they're not work for me. Once I've had my fill, I want to leave as soon as possible; I can get overloaded easily. As for just "hanging out"? I can't do that. I need to be having an active conversation, I need to have things planned. I have never been good at "hanging out."

There's more to it, though. I have a lot of anxiety around people for other reasons. I get very worried about what they are thinking of me. I get worried about people criticizing me. I worry about getting into serious or emotional discussions I am not prepared for. I worry about getting yelled at. Sometimes I feel like I am always doing something wrong, and the more time I spend around people - and in this case I am talking about mostly family or people I know - the more chance I will get yelled at for somthing. It makes me nervous, skittish, uncomfortable. I feel often as I can't sit and relax around people I know because I just know the conversation is going to turn to something I've done wrong. Call me paranoid, call me whatever you want, maybe it 's true and maybe not, but that's how I feel. I can't sit and relax because I am too afraid of what will come next, and I didn't realize quite how many people I felt that way with. I also interpret what people say to be far more judgemental than it may be. In my mind, people will do nothing but judge me, (and I realize in this case I am most likely over reacting but it's not something I can turn off), so I just can't have a decent conversation with most people I know, between these two issues. I often interpet things in a very negative way and it keeps me rather on the edge. I get very defensive many times. When I do have conversations, it takes a lot of energy to try to keep these demons at bay. Because of these things and other reasons, I find myself spending a lot of time in my room at most places I've lived. I just can't emotionally deal with being with people for more than a short time. I need to feel safe in my room. It's just how I am.

But the oddest thing has happened since I moved back to Maine two weeks ago, to a house in Falmouth near where I grew up. I am living with a 92 year ol woman and her adult son. The woman is still very active, still very sharp, and can only be described as vibrant and passionate and, well, animated. Marion is, in a word, animated. And I love her for it. I love the emotion in her voice. I love the stories she tells. I love how she has an opinion on everything. There is passion and feeling in her voice when she tells her stories, and that is something missing from most people's communications these days. She likes to tell stories from her life or just opine on a topic from the news. I find myself drawn to her. Her hearing is not great but she can hear well enough to make conversation. I do a lot more listening than I do talking, though, which is somewhat unusual for me. I sit there, in a large, comfortable armchair in the living room, for up to an hour, soaking in her warmth, enjoying her presence. Today, I found myself sitting on the armchair reading the Sunday paper, while she read the other half in the chair across from me. Then I lied on the couch for a bit, resting, enjoying the comforting sound of her paper rustling. Afterwards, I leaned back in the chair and we talked for an hour. She flipped through the TV channels, and made comment about what she saw. I can't watch the TV as it hurts my eyes but I can listen, so I commented back. And I thought to myself, what am I doing? I'm sitting on a chair, relaxing, with someone. I am (kind of) watching TV with them, reading the paper with them. I am doing everything my parents wanted me to do with them the last time I was there, but I couldn't even fathom it, couldn't fathom how anyone did it with anyone else. I think I did use to do it when I was younger, but it's been years and years, so long that the experiences are buried in my memory. I thought, I like this. I like being with her. What is it about her that is allowing me to not only be able to spend this much unstructured time with another person, but actually to make me want to seek it out?

So I thought about it and I came up with a rather sad but, I feel, accurate conclusion. I realized, as I said above, that with most people, I am so damn afraid of them, I can't often stand to be in the same room as them. Yes, I know it sounds...unfortunate. But, I put so much energy into overcoming those feelings, and I do interact with others, but seldom if ever in a relaxed way. Somehow, maybe because she's 92 and "above it all," Marion does not seem to hold any judgement in her voice or being; she does not want to "change" me, like so many have before. She's not trying to mold me in any way. She just wants company and someone to tell her stories to. And, when you get right down to it, that's really all I want too. So we work well together. I often in the past read stories of the elderly; about how lonely they were, about how few things they had to look forward to, about how difficult being homebound was. I'd read them and think, Man, I can relate to these stories from 80 and 90 year olds better than I can from anyone else. I shared the same feelings. I often thought, I bet I might get along with someone like this; we'd maybe see the world in some of the same ways. It seems maybe that I was right.

Of course, it's also the simple things. I enjoy the emotion and excitement in her voice when she greets me every day; I soak it up. When she puts her attention on me I feel like she really wants to talk to me, she really is happy that She say "How are you" like she really means it, and I soak that up too. She always seems genuinely glad to see me; there is a warmth in her voice that I have experienced with few others. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who was glad to see them?

The book "Tuesdays with Morrie" keeps coming to mind. I would not say it is like that; we are not engaged in any formal lessons, teaching, or whatnot. But maybe you can say, in a way, that it is more like that than I thought. Maybe without even meaning to, she is teaching me the meaning and value of companionship; the meaning and value of "just being" with another person. She is showing me it is possible to want to "hang out" with another person. Hang out! Never thought I'd see the day. I only wonder if there is a way I can transfer this feeling to other people and find ways to be more comfortable with them. Humans are subjective and highly variable, which is a problem, at least for me; this situation could change more easily than I would like. Anything could happen. I hope it doesn't. But for now, I am enjoying it. I feel more centered and far calmer after sitting down for half an hour to chat with her, and I hope it never changes. There's just something about her. I can only imagine the perspective one must have at that age. I hope I get to experience it one day.

Nature, Friends and Food: The Holy Triad

Okay, I am trying to focus on writing a short description of today, and it has proven somewhat hard to focus. So here goes. Ha. I just tried to write two newsletter topics for my ghost writing job. Good, yes, but wish I could have gotten more done. A little bit low on energy tonight. Had a great weekend though.

Rob and Nate picked me up at 1:30 to go to Wolfe's neck to hike. man but I feel guilty cus I was pretty late getting ready. Ha. I said it;d be 2 min I obsessed over what clothes to wear for half an hr. Not having been in Nate's car in 7 mos I wasn't sure if well how fragrant it would be and didnt want to weaer good clothes if it was and so on. Whatever. Got otu eventually.

Wolfe's Neck was so beautiful. We hiked alonga trail by the water. I was also worried because I got new shoes yesterday. Big step big deal for me. I was quite worried if I would be able to walk in them comfortably or not but luckily it went well - I hardly noticed them - they werent 100% completely comfortable but they were pretty good. So that was good. Between worrying about Nate's car, the shoes, and the fact that I didnt know what we were doing,. the weather etc I was a bundle of nerves at first. Had a little agitation to start but was ok.

And we did have fun. Trail goes by ocean; hiked for an hour; saw sun set over ocean on way back; enjoyed the freshly fallen snow. First snow of the season! Luckily wasn't too deep. Took some pics with Nate's camera phone.

I even remembered the way to get back, if we had gone the way Nate wanted we would have been walking a long time, ha.

The house was on our way back to Portland so stopped in to use the bathroom on the way back. No Whole Foods bathroom, hoorway. I suppose I will have to sometime but man I hate public bathrooms. Worry about that another week. If we do Bradbury that is also in Freeport so the house would be on the way. Don't know if Nate will want to do someting next weekend or not. Stop thinking. Ha.

Okay so then we went to Portland and walked down Commercial St tothe ferry terminal to see the ocean. Man it was beautiful. That is our spot so to speak - the place we always go - Nate showed me it. I stood there before I went to Oregon ponderng hwat the other coast would be like and I stood there with my 2 friends once aghain when Iretuened home.

It felt so good to be out in the fresh air, walking. Walking with my friends. Rob made me laugh. It feels so good to be in joint conversation with 2 people, so comfortable, so familiar, so wrapped in a warm cocoon. Love it. Somtimes hard to get good convo going but good when it happens. Talked about what states we had been to as we walked along Commercial. Nate and Rob have been to more but I have lived in more as far I as know.

They both lked the rice crackers, will have to give them more some time. I am addicted to them.

Went to Whole Foods for dinner. They had steak and onions/peppers again in prepared foods section so I got that. Yum. Then I realized not till later Gosh! Should have looked ! Oh well - that they had GARLIC BRISKET which is to die for . They only had spiced before but today they had garlic. Oh my freaking God it tasted to die for. The meat guy cut it to the EXACT right thickness, length, style, all uniform dangle in your mouth to die for pieces. All I said was between thin and medium and he got it right. Normally dont like theguy he has a smirk on his face and is uncommunciative but he can cut meat.

So gave Rob the spiced brisket I had left cus I didnt want it and Nate the hummus I had that I didnt want. I want him to try the garlic hummus though. That stuff is really, really good. I'll have him try it next time. I want to do the cracker, roast beef and hummus sandwhich for him and Rob. next time at whole foods we can. I hope thehummus I gave him was still ok it said dec 16 tho. I didnt like the taste but he might.

Anyway focus. So. Got some meat. Lots of meat. To be honest I over did it a bit. Okay a lot. Whole Foods is really hard to stay in budget in. There is just too much good food and it's all expensive. Ha. What else is new? I got a lot of crackers, more hummus than was probably necessary, and more meat than was probably necessary, but I will refine my process. It's only the second week right?

I have all this food in my fridge because I can only shop once a week and was afraid of running out. I am sure in a week's time I will eat it but in the meantime it's hard having so much food in my fridge - because I just have this compulsion to eat it all rigut now and yet it has to last me a week. That's going to take some time to figure out how to manage better I think. But damn I should try to enjoy having so much good food in the fridge.

In NY i only shopped once a week for most things BUT, but, I had the deli I could call and have deliver roast beef whenever I wanted, and could get as much crackers and hummus as I wanted. So I only bought what I needed because if I ran out , I could get almost anything I needed at either the health food store or deli. They didnt have what a grocery did but had most. So, here I can't get anything if I run out, so hence the compuslsion to try to buy a week's worth. And the roast beef won't stay good long - I got so used to having it 3x a week or so in NY that I don't want to give it up here, but you can't put a pound of RB in the fridge and expect it to last all week. So I don't quite knowwhat to do about that. Maybe get 1/2 lb and have ir the first few days. I don't know if it can be frozen . Also, the RB at WF is DAMN expensive. I really shouldn't be buying that much. I mean it's like $13 a lb. It was 10 in NY. That's getting a bit up there.

And I bought too many bananas last week and not enough this week. I only have like 10 or so left and that's enough only for 5 days. I have to get a prescription at Hannaford though so maybe can get some more there then.

But whatever. I will figure it out. Yeah, somehow. Man, the garlic hummus from Jorgo's is plain out of this world, you would not freaking believe how amazing it tastes. I am going to get spoiled from all this good food but it makes me happy and a person needs something to hold on to, right?

The Good Neighbors hummus they have here is quite good. They don't have Tribe organic but the GN red pepper is as good orbetter. Only natural , doesnt taste as good, got it anyway, not sure why, well cus it was big container, thoughti itd last.

Anyway stop rambling . It felt good to be among friends. And nature. Friends, nature, and good food: three of the few things left I can still enjoy with MCS, and I got all three today. Being in nature is good for the soul, and being among friends is a balm to the soul. I hope I can remember this day and look forward to it hapening ahain, I hope I can use it to get through all the difficult things that surely will come and are presernt at moment.

I hope I can figure out how to better take care of myself. Doctors and so on. Damn it all. Frustrating. Need to get courage. Take action.ETc.

Getting new shoes was good for me. Showed I can accomplish things I tyhoiught not possible.

Wantd to write this eartliet. Not much energy for typing. Rationing it . Frustrated I didnt write morer but I got 2 done. Emails left. Break after. So many .... I need to be strong in face of challenges.

Kate

Portland, Maine: Who says you can't go home again

Portland, Maine: Who Says You Can't Go Home Again
December 2009

Sometimes, you just need something to get you going on a cold, blustery day. Even when you're in a city as great as Portland. As I stood there on the sidewalk just above Monument Square in Portland, Maine, I felt a bit disoriented. It was the first time I had been back in Portland in seven months. When a Blaine Larsen song I hadn't heard in ages came on the radio, it thankfully kicked me into gear. (Thank you WPOR for all the Blaine Larsen songs you've been playing!) I walked a couple blocks down Congress to the heart of Monument Square. The wind played with my hair, the Time and Temperature sign, symbol of all things Portland, loomed ahead reading 38 degrees, 12:30 pm; Blaine Larsen sang "How Do You get That Lonely" on the radio, and I was in Portland. I felt a rush of adrenaline and happiness. Finally. I dropped my bag in Monument Square. Looked around me. Realized, Wow. This place is beautiful. All the open space! All the beautiful buildings! Spun around and watched the buildings spin with me - kind of like being in a snow globe. The coffee and gelato shop was still there; Shay's was still there; the huge elegant buildings still towered over me. The library was closed for renovation; but everything else was the same.

I ran to the curb by the grassy area outside of Longfellow Books - many happy hours of my life have been spent walking up and down this curb, entranced by the music on the radio and the wonderful feeling of balancing as I walked on the curb. For some weird sensory reason I can't quite describe, my body and mind feel centered, balanced and at ease walking on curbs - and so I walk on any I can find, which is not many, except for in Portland. I grabbed my bag again and continued down the gently sloping brick walkway, past the tea shop and bookstore, crossing the street by Dunkin Donuts and hitting another curb (they plant trees and have little grassy areas all over Portland with a curb around them, much to my pleasure), crossing the intersection by where Smoothie King used to be, by the classic Nickoledeon movie theatre, and ran into yet another park area - Portland is full of little areas with benches, grass and trees where you can just sit and take in everything around you. Portland is a far more beautiful city, just in its architecture and the way it was planned, than I had remembered or ever given it credit for; probably was too busy looking for the nearest sweet shop. I have lived in many cities in the past seven months; four, to be exact; and they all had their good points, but none could come even close to what Portland's downtown area is like.

From here you enter the heart of the Old Port shopping area; Cold Stone Creamery, Stonewall Kitchen and Starbucks are lined up neatly on your right; another park area with benches are your left; straight ahead is upper Exchange and where O'Naturals used to be - and another large park, beautiful park, which I almost cried with delight when I saw. All this open space! Most cities just have old, run down. monstrous towering buildings after towering buildings, traffic, congestion, air pollution; Portland has all these built in spaces for people to gather, skateboard, sell crafts, do outdoor performances, or just eat lunch outside. Portland is a people-sized city. Many happy hours also spent in this park outside O'Naturals, walking on the curbs, listening to music and just wandering around.

And just when you think it can't get better - down Exhange Street you go! The cobblestone streets stood out after so long an absence. How quaint, how picturesque, how charming. Most of Portland's streets, which all lead down to the ocean, in the Old Port section are cobblestone, something I am told is reminscent of European cities. All the usual suspects remained on Exchange, the coffee shops, the clothing shops, the gift shops. At the bottom you can go left or right for more shops, or continue down the short, a bit steeper cobblestone section to the ocean and Commercial Street. I smiled when I saw the small one man smoothie shop the Maine Squeeze was still in business. I looked through the window and saw all the chalkboards with their colorful chalk menus. Mexicali Blues and my childhood favorite Communiques was still there.

When you get to Commercial, which runs parallel to the ocean, you take a left to get to more restaurants and shops. I kept walking until I got to Standard Baking Company, the best bakery in Portland. What a beautiful walk. I had been afraid I would need sugar and junk food to energize me enough to enjoy myself; I no longer eat sugar so that was not an option. The only place I had been able to go into, O'Naturals, had closed. I was afraid there was nothing left. But I found that Portland is beautiful on its own. Walking through it still energizes me and fills me with awe. It is , as I had said once before, like a mandala; a mandala is a circular pattern which is supposed to symbolize wholeness and oneness with some kind of greater force or energies. Walking a mandala is supposed to bring inner peace. Portland is in many ways like that for me.

After attempting to go in the bakery I lost most of my energy and mood, plus it had gotten rather chilly. So, it wasn't quite the hours of euphoria I had experienced in the past, but I hadn't expected that. With the weather and how I was feeling, I was content with one good half hour, and hoped I would have more in the future. Something to hold on to, anyway. I was in a hurry to get to somewhere I could sit down after the bakery, so headed to Whole Foods. From the ocean, I walked back up Exchange... all the way to Congress, which was a longer walk than I remembered. And then back down again to Whole Foods...Never can remember what street to take so I always end up a few streets away. I wandered around to look at all the food and got some groceries; satisfied I hd at least gotten to experience my hometown once again.

More Maine thoughts

More thoughts.. It feels good, to some extent, to sit here and reflect. I started from this place seven months ago, so nervous, creating this blog about moving to Oregon, and learning how to Bend. I left with high hopes. I couldn't wait to get out of this place. I was desperate. Well, what a summer it was. Newport, Bend, Eugene, and New York in the fall. But now I am back, seven months later. And I am just going to do the best I can. I have a better relationship with my parents - I think - for now anyway - that does seem to change quite frequently, lol. But they have been very supportive tonight. And that makes me feel good. It is what I wanted. So, I am just going to do the best I can. Que sera, sera. I am a little nervous right now because my dad has his music on loud. And I need to go to sleep early to get up for tomorow. But whatever. If thats the worst of it thats okay right? I will be creative. Okay. Well, quite a day today with that trip but I did it. I should be proud of myself. I did something difficult.

I was going to Falmouth Tues but really dont want to push it that far. Am afraid will go crazy with nothing to do here tomorrow. Dont want to lose my independence. Too many opportunities to get into conflict or get depressed by things here. Part of me does want to stay, but the other part of me says "you had a good evening with them, better quit while you're ahead," and that is the part I am going with. Anyway the decision is made so. I think I need to keep riding on that adrenaline anyway.

So. I will be okay. The plan is , I hope I can get to sleep and get seven hours of sleep. And feel somewhat rested. Normally after a long trip I would not attempt to do something diffficult the next day but doing nothing would be worse so , so be it. Yea. Be brave.

At 1, we will leave for Falmouth. I will be calm patient etc . Put all stuff in there. Talk to him. Then head to Portland. Walk around if nice out. Hope I am feeling well enough to. Shop at Whole Foods, see Rob for dinner, go back, hope I can sleep good and long tomorrow night. Walk by Town Landing and the ocean Tuesday I hope.

Worried about my back, but hopefully it will get better. I'll take the magnesium if it doesn't maybe? I don't know. I am out of magnesium need to get more. I have trisalts tho.
If it doesn't tomorrow then I need to be patient until it does.

I am worried about being able to tolerate the sheets to be able to sleep. I usually have trouble tolerating other people's sheets. But I need to, right? I was worried abou that before I came. Jus be patient, you can tolerate them, might take a few days to get used to them. But you will. Other idea is to maybe wash sheets I have or rewash these. Need laundry det. for that, hmm.
You can tolerate them. Just try to sleep for a few hours. Then get up and go see your beloved city, finish the job.

Worrying doesnt do any good but having a comfortable bed is very importanrt to me and I get very nervous worrying I won't. But worrying will do no good. I will find a way. I just need sheets I can tolerate.

If you don't feel good when you go to sleep , or when you wake up, be patient and know you will feel better later. You will find a way to get decent sleep. You will find away to feel good. Be patient.

And go to sleep because you had a long day and you deserve and ned it.

Okay, ned food, some more crackers, banana, rb, and bed

Need to remember all stuff in room, food in cabnet and fridge, other stuff on list, and be strong

Getting kidn of tired of thisd but is ok

Kate




I need to

I am back in Maine!

First things first: it is much easier to type on the computer than sitting on the floor. I am in a much more natural position, and it just flows. Sitting on the floor to use the computer is apparently a no no. No wonder I got so much done in Eugene and struggled so much in NY.

I am actually happy to be back at my dad's house. I never thought I'd say that in a million years. But, Danielle's house was dark, cold and had some mold issues I believe. I NEVER felt right, I never felt alert, or awake, or functional in that house. I just couldnt function without, well most of all light . Dark and dim places just make my brain shut down. The house was nice but .... a cold, dark and maybe moldy room, not so much. And the water of course.

My dad's house is so wonderfully lit, light everywhere. It's WARM . And I just took the most wonderful shower with non toxic water. So those things are good.

The trip actually went quite well. I was VERY surprised! 5.5 hours door to door. EXACTLY like Mapquest predicted, and not a minute longer. No traffic, didnt even have to make any bathroom stops. No public bathroom, no trauma. Almost no stress. Amazing. Kellie and her grandparents were fine and no fragrances. Talked to them for most of it, slept for maybe an hour listenng to cd. Stopped 20 min at rest stop outside of Worcester in Ma.

Far different from how I had imagined - I had imagined trauma beyond belief, not being able to tolerate the car for 5 min, being toxed by public bathrooms and justr generally not coping. Also afraid trip would take hours more cus of traffic.

It's wonderful when things turn out better than you expect. Reminder that you never know; you can be SURE the worst will happen in mind but if you're patient and calm enough to wait and see what happens, you might be surprised.

But had mini breakdown last 20 min. I woke up and lo and behold we were in Scarborough already! My God! 20 min left and I started to panic. I didnt want to go to my dad's. I was really panicked about it. I just couldn't imagine how it was going to work. I had to talk myself down for it for 20 min and I was still scared.

But you know what, it went okay. I made sure to make conversation and keep my fears at bay. I walked in the house and didnt let any smells get to me. I was patient with myself. Made small talk even if uncomfortable. Went for short walk. Talked a little more after, dinner although nothing I could eat but was okay, the point is everything was civil. We made civil conversartion. No meltdowns, no criticisms, civilness. I was glad.

I thought about it and I don't want to push my luck past 24 hrs so I am moving to Falmouth tomorrow. But I am immensely relieved that at least so far I have managed 8 hours or so in my dad's house without any emotional regressions, breakdowns or conflicts. I don't want to push it though. We're leaving at 1 tomorrow so it will be an early night for me, plus I am tired from trip.
Going over there, goign to be calm, going to walk around Portland if it's nice out, going to meet Rob for dinner and go to to Whole Foods. I am actually feeling a little bit hopeful. And thankful for my parents helping me as much as they have so far.

Bent my back out of shape but other than I am feeling hopeful. And had a great, great shower, it felt so good to be clean! lost my shampoo so thats damn annoying and will have to mail order some more. But I stood in the hallway in my towel after the shower for must have been 20 minutes just enjoying the sensation of being clean, and in a well lit hallway that just made me feel good....and reflected on how important environment is...and mindset .

May I have the patience to keep achieving my goals. Maybe if you dont try to predict so much what will happen things will happen in their own time? If only I could learn that lesson, I try so much. The only good thing about moving so much is it forces my brain into different places it wouldnt go otherwise. I get stuck in thought patterns and moving shakes me loose of them and lets me think of things in a new light. That's not why I move of course; I'd rather not move. I move because of MCS. But it's an interesting and welcome side effect.

Here's to hope.
Kate

Going back to Maine

From Portland to Portland and beyond. That was the name I gave this blog when I left Maine to go to Oregon seven months ago. Little did I know how true that would end up being. I have been to the farthest reaches of the West coast - a small town on the Pacific coast - to more central parts of Oregon, to New York state, and now I am fulfilling the second part of the destiny and coming back to Maine, back to Portland. Who says you can't go home again, indeed.

I found a fragrance free person on Craigslist, who lives in Falmouth. Falmouth is the next town over from the town I grew up in, Cumberland. The house this guy lives in is right by Town Landing Market, which I biked to several times a week as a kid growing up. Lots of nostalgia there. I love it. I love the idea of going back to where I grow up. I am hoping it will feel like "home," a sense of belonging and rightness that has been absent for so long, that I have been seeking and feeling the absence of so acutely.

I know when I came back from Montana, I couldn't believe how good it felt to be back in Maine. In fact, every time I have come back to Maine, I have remarked that it feels like home, so good, so right.

So I am hoping this time will be no exception. I'm tired of New York, and tired of moving.

That I could find a place to live near Portland but not at my parents' seems something of a miracle. I must remember to be thankful for that. When there was no other option - something came up. I was provided for.

Somehow. I know there will be oh so many problems. There already are! But maybe I have a chance. I know there will be so much to get over. The clothes are the biggest problem. I am worried to death over my clothes situation. Having 2 pairs of clothes just doesn't work, especially when no good way to wash them. But I have to make it work some how.
There are many areas of my life where I am not functioning very well at all in right now. But I have to be patient as I figure out ways to overcome these obstacles.

Maybe the memories and thought of the sea breeze, getting roast beef, grilled veggies and other goodies at Whole Foods and wandering around, walking around Portland, seeing Town Landing, walking to the ocean, and just being in a place I can call home will overcome the worry and anxiety about whether or not my clothes smell, and how long I will feel sick from whatever I just got toxed from, and how I am going to function without, well, any functional clothes save two.

Maybe it can give me the strength I need to fight my battles. I hope so.

Dare I say it, maybe even a sense of adrenaline. I want this, I want to do this. I want Maine, in whatever form I can get it in .Do I wish I had more concrete ways of .... functioning? More concrete things to ....look fwd to? Yes. But I know I want Maine. I will make it work, right? Maine is Maine is Maine is Maine.

Even to just go out for a walk with my music will be good enough.

I need to get myself excited. Okay. I will not let the incident from tonight bother me. Was toxed tonight byt something.
I will think of the good.
I am going to go to bed, not get much sleep but oh well, I am going to get up and I will be excited. Maine! I will get msyelf up. I will go eat. I have red pepper AND garlic hummus. Yum! I love hummus I. I made cute rice cracker and roast beef and hummus sandwhiches. So cute, so good. The beef, cracker and hummus flavor all meld together perfectly. Okay, I will get up and eat . I will Calmly, Patiently figure out what the last minute things I need to do to be ready are. I will calmly, patiently roll the pillow and blanket in foil and put in trash bag and close. I will put last minute things in suitcase and make them fit somehow. I will have salad before I go. I will make sure to give D a check before I go. I will ask her about the clothes and donating them. Calmly. When Kellie comes I will calmly help her figure out how to fit all the stuff into the car. Calmly and not worriyng about what goes where and how mcuh can fit. We will figure it out. I will remember stuff from porch. I will not freak out about smells in the car, or on her. I will not freak out about smells in the kitchen or other possible belongings. I can wash them if have to. I will make sure I have all my food accessible. I will remember the good, how kind Jill and Josh were to help me out so much at the health food store. What a beautiful lovely town this was. I will calmly get in and we sill start driving. We will pick up her grandparents. I will be calm. I will talk to Kellie, listen to music if can, look at scenery, play games with her maybe. I will eat my food, crackers, meat and so on. I have bison, half got cooked well, the other half too pink but whatever, will eat other half. Steak that tastes terrible. So worried I am completely spoiled by the Nature's Place organic beef. Must not think of that. More roast beef than I can possibly eat. THREE QUARTERS of a lb of roast beef. Sheesh. Like I really needed that much. lol, I won't go hungry, thats for sure. So, be calm, try to sleep, take lorazepem to calm if needed. When go to public restroom stay calm and don't freak out. Go in quickly, come out, dont worry about being toxed, know reaction will pass. I have trisalts I bought, so hopefully I can take those and it will help with reaction. Distract. Distract self until get to Maine, and be glad to get to Maine

listen to my im a survivor cd

I've got to keep my sense of humor, I've got to find things to laugh about.
Music.

I was born three months to early, but must have had my mama's will and God's amazing grace, I think I'll keep on living, because ...something....I'm a survivor (Reba McEntire)

It is worth it for Whole Foods. I need something concrete to look fwd to so that is it. WF and Portland.

When I get to my dad's I will be calm. I will not be over emotional when I go inside. I will not freak out over smells. I will not let emotional memories of the past overtake me. I will use bathroom, put stuff in, make small talk. I hope I can tolerate living room and kitchen, couldnt last time due to remodeling. Been 7 months so I sure hope so. If not, dont panic. I will sit on couch if can make small talk tell about adventures, trip, Daniele, PJ, all the interesting people I met here. Hopefully there will be something to eat. Eat it, dont worry. Hopefully can go on compuyter. Don't worry about sleeping situation Just sleep. Take shower, that will feel so good after no decent shower water fora while. Don't take criticisms to heart. Know you have always found a way to survive before and you always will again. Get good sleep, take walk Monday if not raining. Find things to do. Ask if she can take me to WF for groceries after Falmouth so have food. Ask ifany winter thjngs can borrow if need them, ask for something to wash clothes in, dont worry, dont take thingsseriously. Food will be worked out. I hope. Make the best fof it . Go to Falmouth either Mon or Tues. Don't let any smells there bother you; nothing is permanent. Be calm, relaxed, courteous. Don't let yourself feel anythign too much at first give time to get used to it. Make do with what you have. Remember the alternatives. There ARE no alternatives. Altern is worse than can imagine so try to make best of it.
Go to Portland, I hope, walk around and enjoy it! Go to Portland, WF, meet Rob for dinner, enjoy it as much as possible.
Walk to ocean and let that relax you.
Call therapists re in house meeting.
Mariane re meds.
Yarmouth Taxi re taxi maybe
Case managers
warm line
Friends

There are options, possibilities, choices in Maine. I will do whatever it takes to get there. I will calm myself enough to know there is always a solution. I am strong enough and brave enough to be calm enough to wait for that solution, while I try to figure out asolution. It isn't the end.

I will keep fighting on.

Life is worth it.

I hope. :)

Washing clothes worries me, but somehow I will find a way to have clean clothes, somehow! How ironic that that is basically my single biggest problem in life, everyone needs something right?

I will do it. I will slay this dragon. And I will be proud of myself because I don't need anyone else to do it for me, right? I can be.

(However will gladly accept other people being proud and happy and so on if they so desire)

Okay..... I will do it .

Just had to write that all out and get my mind in a better place.

I will be strong against what happened tonight with toxedness and when I go into kitchen ignore the feeling, I can do this, I will do this

Kate

College roommates come to visit; thoughts on where to live

10pm Friday night, long day, thoughts going all over place

1. Old college roommates came today. Man oh man. It was a good day but a long one. Got myself out of bed , waited for them to come, oh but it really was so nice to see them. I love them. I love Allison's face. I mean just looking at it. She radiates care, concern, sympathy, comfort, and just familiarity - she radiates Allison. She radiates ...... this personthat I feel so comfortable with. How could I have forgotten how comfortable I feel with her? How could I have forgotten how good being with her makes me feel? How safe? I had forgotten because I took it for granted, back when I was in college and had her as much as I wanted, all the time. I hadn't seen her since then. We've kept in touch over the years, certainly, on the phone. Sometimes months would go by but we always stayed in touch. She always supported me and understood me and accepted everything, even the most bizarre and quirky parts of MCS, without a second thought.
And I missed Claire's easy humor, the way she puts things, just again that "Claire"ness. She can always make you laugh. She brought her 9 month old baby girl who was adorable to look at and play with. And take pictures of - she was VERY photogenic.
It was great to be in the same room as them. It was great to see them... Allison, with her long blonde curly hair - she's grown it out since college! - her glasses and inquisitive eyes that don't miss anything; Claire with her easy laugh, her straight brown hair, Miriam on her shoulder or lap... all three of us together.
We talked for a while but it was somewhat stilted at first as these things usually are, and I was feeling brain fogged and out of it as usual, nervous at laundry detergent roommate had used, and a million other things; plus my RM was moving out and that was a distracting level of chaos and activity around us. The babysitter kept the kids blessedly quiet though and I appreciated that.
The air was bothering me outside again, so I didn't want to go out at first. That was fine. We sat and talked and took lots and lots of baby pictures. Reminsced about college memories. it was an effort to speak at times due to feeling foggy but it went okay. I love taking pictures so that part was fun. Then we decided to go out, air wasnt so bad once in it later inday, and I actually felt better , so good. Felt good to be walking down street with college roommates - lived togerther sophomore year at Goucher in Baltimore- with the baby. Went to Front st, drugstore for Allison, got some good pictures of them under the Ballston Spa sign. Hope her pics of me turn out good too, one of me on Front St looked great on the camera; I could really use a good pciture of me. Anyway. Went to health food store, looked at spices, got some crackers, talked about thefood. Got some ginger chews for Allison.
Walked back, talked some more on way back. Had mini meltdown over something at door but got over it and Claire helped a lot. Took a while to get oriented when back inside. And the damn Internet stopped working because roommate who left had taken ethernet cord with her and it took a while to re set it up - tried to do it then and there as Claire offered to help if it didnt work. So... that was stressful but worked eventually. Sat and talked with them, just enjoying being in their presence, I miss that about college, you know, having easily accessible friends? Didnt realize how good it was or I had it because I wanted so much more then, don't we all ?
They had to go...wasgetting late . I showed them my room... we did a prayer before they left. It was beautifu. I used to think I couldnt meditate, or listen to meditation stuff, until like a week ago.
I just had to get up and stretch and I shouldnt have because it totally made me lose train of thought but oh well I will try.
Allison said the most beautiful heartfelt prayer that included things like there being a safe place for me somewhere and me being provided for and lifted up when I needed it. I am not religious but I have come to see that from the right person it doesn't matter what God they pray to, what deity they call theirs, it is the sentiments, thoughts and ideas that matter. They can pray to a God that is not mine and I still feel just as comforted as if I believed in him, because it is coming from their hearts, and it is just nice to believe or imagine that such a thing existed. I suppose it is this same reasoning that allows me to listen to and enjoy country music, lol. And Claire gave a similarly thoughtful but also humorous prayer that had me laughing out loud as well as nodding in agreement and understanding.
I should get into this prayer thing, I don't find it meaningful to do myself but I do find it meaningful to listen to someone else do it.
Maybe a meditation tape would help after all.
Then we sang 'There more we are together the happier we will be" which I suggested because it makes me happy to sing that and it drove home that we were together.
Then they had to go.
Then I had another mini meltdown over something else which was much worse than first and scary but thankfully got over it with phone call relatively quickly.
Then...I called well. Now I am getting too tired to type ths. There is a potential living opportunity in western Ma.
MCS bed and breakfast. Called out of blue to ask if they would do monthly rate. B and Bs dont usually but. He surprised me by saying maybe for January since he is on vacation then. Told me to call back in a couple days and did tonight. Surprised me further by being amenable to what I was asking. Asked if it would be possible to do December 1 since technically that is when I am supoosed to be out. At first said no, but then seemed to change his mind and say that could work. Suggested price to him , again first he said that's too low, but then seemed to change his mind and say, well, you know I could probabyl do that. Is goign to talk to his wife, nothinf definite yet.
So hung up phone stunned and discombulated, amazed that it seemed like I had maybe been able to talk this guy into letting me rent the suite for 2 months, when I totally didn't expect to get anywhere near what I wanted, or that he'd even consider it. There would be several benefits to living in Amherst... it's a great college town with lots of funky shops, or was last time I was there anyway... been a long time. My grandparenrts live by Springfield, 30 min away. There is an Aspergers group there but not sure if accessible due to mcs. There is supposed to be mcs grp but never have found contact info/. There is a therapist who is trained as psych nurse who has MCS and does mcs consulting , from mcs safe home office - that would be REALLY good as I really need therapy of some kind, and I havent gotten it the entire 3 yrs Ive had mcs. I just hope she is still available I am pretty sure she takes Medicare but we'll see.
Thoguth was mcs dr who took insurance too but am told waiting list till May, maybe his partner is better, who knows.
So lots of good things, but it does still leave me feeling apprehensive and not quite sure why. Maybe cus any change is hard. Maybe because even though 2 months is a lot better than 1 , it's still 2 months - and I am tired of having to move eevry 2 months. I have been herew 2 mos. Um I dont know. Not definite yet. Would be weird to live in MA after it being the place Ivisit for so long or have connotations of my grandparents for so long. I am sure they would be delighted. I wonder if I would be able to tolerate their house.

But other thing is, there might be a possibility of a place in Vermont; a roommate situation with another mcs person I found on Craigslist. Part of me is saying can I really give up what could be a long term situation in favor of one that wll last only 2 months? But, roommate situations are really far from the ideal situation for me, let's just say, and if I could have my own place for 2 months I think I should probably take that. I basically decided to start on a medication for my anxiety, Lexapro, that dr suggested as has low side effects and supposed to work more quickly, and damn it, if I could have somewhere safe to go for two months while I waited for the medication to HOPEFULLY work so I could cope better and hopefully deal better with the whole looking for my own space or apt thing, it might really be a good thing. My stepmom thinks I will be in a "much different space" if I do this, and that things will "fall in place." I would hope so.
I mean I know I cant go back to my parents' due to all the conflicts there, so I really need to take anything I can get.
If I could find mcs drs covered by insuance in W.MA I'd do that too of course. Have to hire someone to do driving etc etc but have been able to do that before so . hopefully this time too.
Just so much to think about.
I wonder if the woman who runs the AS group there could help me.
I wonder if my cousin is still in the area.
Oh yea and I almost forgot WHOLE FOODS. Best WF I have ever been to is in Hadley right near there. I really miss and love WF. My budget doesnt but I do lol. mmmmm.
Granted I cant eat most things anymore and so it is not as fun but am sure there is *something* I could find in there to tempt me.
Well anyway.
If I really did leave in 2 weeks thats awfully soon and a lot of preparations would need to be made ahead of time that I am not really surre I could handle, but onthe other hand mayeb is better than waiting and wondering if RM will have room rented on 1st, she doesn't know, and if well if then I'd have to leave anyway so better to know I have a place to go of course. And waiting and wondering if the heat situation is going to get much worse or how much worse amnd when.

But I talk to the Vermont person on Monday so should know more then. I guess it's good to have an option, even tho it's not sure yet, even tho it kind of overwhelms me in other ways, bcs it's better rthan the panic and despair of not knowng whee you are going.

I am so tired...and so overloaded by everthing that happened todat even tho ir was a good day.
Ate dinner early at 8 so that felt weird. 11 now. Will go for snack later. D wnants me t unload dishwasher which i never do at night usually and tired dotnt want to but ewill have to
I want t oload pics tonighjt but dont know
Would be nice to go to bed earlier but dont know
Not sure what tomorow will bring but hopefully rest and less panic I am so tired of the emotion of panic
I hope rest and better air.... is what I hope ha.
Supposed to rain tomorow
Need to email ...family..call...something
Would be good to get writing done by way too out of it for that
Insyrance company didnt approve medication i wanetd to start so not sure if that wll hapen or when
Worried about medical issues and how long I can hold on and keep functioning
Of course dont know for sure I czan tolerate b and b without going there but it was built to be mcs friendly so I imagine it would be ok, but of course dont know. Need to ask more detailed quesitons when I talk to him next.
trying to do food stamp application in ny state but if i leave i iamgien wont be able to but they do phone interviews so i need to. need birth crrtificate, SS card that I dont have rth. damn that ro hell. and i dont think they will accept a copyu. call all offices to see on monday. take a t least 1-2 wks to ge that stuff I'd imagine. Cant do both but. Need to do that before leave. Ugh.
Wonder if Daniele doesnt find someone if maybe we could agree on Dec 7.... the b and b and her. that would give extra week to get ready.
But he's notgoing to rent past end of Jan so.. need to keep that in mind too.
If i could get myself i nbetter shape then it would be great but who knows what woll happen.
i am so tired of craigslist.
okay think I need to go zone out I will survive this all somehow
I am strong
Roomwas bothering me a lot today but a little better now
Damn, will this all work, who knows.
If rented it from him would need specific lease so as nto to run into trouble of some sort..who knows.
if dont load pics can tomorrow i guess
Ok...end of mind dump for now ha
And I would really miss this area nd the health food store and Daniele if I was to leave; after 2 months I have gotten quite used to it and like all of it and Daniele so much. How will I leave it? I hate having to move so much. If it weren't for heat issue I would consider staying. But does not seem wise. To live in such uncertainty. And I will miss my friend PJ very much who I met here. I wis hI could stay somewhere long enuf to put down roots. It's not fair to have to move every 2 months, to live a life constantly dedicated to survival, to just existing, for years on end. Sometimes just want to give up but that wouldnt work either. So I keep moving. It just doesnt work. I dont want to have to move again but no choice. Room downstairs has essential oils l;eft by previous RM and right next to noisy kids playroom; she suggested moving there as it has heat but bcs of those 2 things I dont think it would work. Wish I could stay somewhere here but no place for me here. And I still dont know if I can get country radio stns in Amherst....important to me.May or may not. Would like to visit first but have to pay someone to drive me there and no money unless can borrow it .how much more can my body handle i wonder. Someone in MA, Longmeadow actually wherer my g-parents live, said that you can qualift in ma for caretakers ... housing paid etc.... with AS...but doubt it.... usualyl need low IQ etc sever autism to qualify... call him tomorrow. ned t ostop thinkliung.

Kate

Anatomy of a Thought Process

Anatomy of a Thought Proccess

QUICK background: due to not having heat in the room here and not being allowed a space heater, and generally not getting along well with living with non MCS roommates (even if mostly fragrance free but not all FF which is a problem), as well as two small kids, I have had to look for other arrangements, yes, again. But this time still in same state at least. Remembered I knew a MCS woman in Rhinebeck, 2 hrs from here, and contacted her and by chance she had a room she wanted to rent, a large one with more privacy than I am used to, so I am hoping that works out. I need to live with MCS people to be MCS safe. Anyway I have been trying to get there and the person who was going to take me didn't show up today; we had been planning it for most of the week. This was written in reflecting on the events of the day.

I was supposed to go to Rhinebeck to see a place to live today and had made plans with someone who was going to take me. I had been preparing for it and building up for it all weekend and for most of the week before. I had spent much worrying, thought, anticipation, etc on it. I made a point to go to bed hours earlier than normal and get up for me rather early to go, and believe me, I didnt really want to get out of bed. So when the appointed hour of 12:30 came, and I was tired and cranky and wanted to get on with it, I was a little peeved when no one showed up. And even more so when I couldn't get her on the phone. When the half an hour mark passed and she still wasn't there, I was more than a little upset. But looking back on the whole thing provides interesting insights on the process of dealing with change and the basic flexibility that we have to exercise as human beings. I would guess that everyone must go thru a similar process like this to adjust to new things in life, but perhaps people with Asperger's have it a bit harder than others. I wonder if anyone else's thought process looks like this. It seemed a good way to illustrate a very common process in life.

12:30pm: I hope she comes

12:40pm Well, I have to give her 15 min to be late...

1pm OMG, My world will be over if she doesn't come; I HAVE to get to Rhinebeck today!

1:05 pm calling woman whose house it is, who knows K "Surely she can do something and get a hold of K for me"

1:20pm If I call the other people I know from Craigslist ,someone will be able to take me

2pm Okay, well, I guess it's not the end of the world if I don't go today. I guess I can find other things to do to fill the day. I guess I can be okay with going tomorrow.

2:30pm Made plans with someone else to go tomorrow and am somewhat ok with it

It is interesting to me to observe so specifically and in detail the process of going from a state of panic and not being able to accept or even entertain an idea ("She's not coming") to being able to come to terms with and accept the idea. I wish I knew how to speed up the process, but it ocurs to me you need to go thru all the stages - Worry (that it might or is happening), Denial (no, this can't be happening, I won't let it), Bargainning ("Surely there is something I can do to avoid this, if I just...") and finally Acceptance and Finding Other Alternatives ("Well, I guess this isn't so bad, I can deal with this, and I'll have to do X instead.")

Sometimes the process happens so quickly, from near panic to almost total acceptance in a little more than an hour, that you can really observe all the different stages and be amazed that you can feel each one so acutely, and yet, they change. Most of the time especially with more difficult events in life, this process takes a LOT longer to go thru, and you can be stuck in one stage for a very, very long time. But the important thing to remember is you do eventually go thru the stages, and acceptance of whatever the problem is and ways to work around it will eventually come. Things will change. But rarely have Iseen this so well illustrated as I did today.

Really, I have to go thru this process everytime anything bothersome happens to me, to try to accept it. Often I have to do it verbally with someone or online with someone. People tell me they dont understand what the purpose of me "hashing things out" is when I need to talk about them, and that drives me crazy. I never put it into words before but I realize now - every conversation where I talk about problems - I am going through these four stages. I can be an absolute mess at the beginning, in a complete panic, but by the end, I have worked through it and managed to accept it .I guess I just need the space to be able to do that. I wish it was quicker sometimes but at least I am able to work it out. Some people just get stuck in anger or worry I guess but I can't stand those states for long soI do try to come to peace about things.

Can anyone relate?

Saratoga Springs: All that Old Money Creates Beautiful Buildings

Okay, so it's a cheesy title but I couldn't really think of any other, so you will have to forgive my dig at Saratoga's old money culture.

I am in Ballston Spa, which is a small but pretty town about 8 min from Saratoga Springs, NY.
I have been here about two weeks.

The town is small but charming; the people very friendly. There is a small natural food store with an impressive variety and amount of stock for its space. Some cafes, gift shops, tea shops etc. A pleasant town. Small but pleasant. The house is large and more or less okay but it definitely has its problems, which I will not go into right now. The roommates have been pretty good more or less; I really like them overall; Good attitudes and spirits and people; but I am not quite enamored of it all 16 or so days into it as I was the first week; but I am hoping we can work out all problems. They're good people at heart there is no doubt; but as with all situations there are some kinks to work out.

Mostly, I have felt extremely disoriented, out of it, overwhelmed beyond belief, and have actually had a hellish two weeks. It is not anyone's fault, it is just the way it has been, problems adjusting, problems with a few things in the house I won't get into, not feeling well, struggling with and being frustrated by health issues, things like that. Everything up in the air and uncertain. I was starting to get majorly depressed, agitated and hopeless. I had no perspective and was paralyzed by fear and worry about all of the problems. I was getting to a breaking point.

But then, fortunately, as tends to happen, a light was shone my way to give me enough comfort and good feelings to survive and get through this and give me enough perspective to be able to feel more like I can handle my problems and less like going off the deep end.

I pushed myself to find a way to get out of the house and see the nearby town of Saratoga Springs, which I had heard such good things about and was much bigger. I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a driver and after a week, I finally found one that I was comfortable with and pushed myself to make arrangements to go out even though the weather has been crap. And boy, am I glad I did, I had a great time. I still feel kind of like crap now that I have gotten back to the house, but hey, at least I have this to hang on to right? Remember the good things.

So here is what I wrote which is somewhat disjointed but gets the feelings across.

Strength!

***
Epic of Saratoga Springs: All that Old Money Creates Beautiful Buildings
Subtitle: Finding Your Soulmate on Craigslist?

Saratoga is a beautiful city by any stretch of the means. When we left the house I looked aptly around me at the passing stores, and counted and cherished several Dunkin Donuts that we passed by. The quintessential sign of the East coast, a sign of home! When we got into Saratoga Springs, passing an entrance to the Saratoga State Park which looked interesting, we went the wrong way on Broadway and ended up in Malta. Ha, but we got to see a lot that way; mostly chain stores, but the trees lining each side of the street were absolutely beautiful! It was a very scenic drive. We passed the Saratoga Performing arts center, another state park entrance, some huge and very picturesque buildings and some more art type centers.

We finally made our way back to where we started and found the actual Saratoga downtown. Neither of us had been to Saratoga in a long time, me never and her not in two years. The first thing I saw was a huge clock on a beautiful huge stone building. The architecture in Saratoga is simply amazing. Everywhere there are absolutely huge beautiful stunning brick buildings that tower over you and have such color, shape, design; they are not your typical brick buildings. They have history and character to them and are a sight to behold.

We drove down the main street to see what was there. Broadway, which is the main street, is VERY long, and the shops seem to go on forever. It has everything you could need. We parked at one end and then split up to walk around and explore. It was so nice to feel like I was in a city again, that is, a city with a walkable downtown, that was big enough to enjoy but small enough to, well, enjoy as well. If that makes any sense. I have found that without exception, big cities DO NOT, ever, that I have seen, have consolidated walkable downtowns. Eugene, Philadelphia, Baltimore, etc; big cities are just not like that. You need smaller towns, especially it seems Northeast towns but I can't speak for the rest of the country, to have that blend of
independent, pedestrian friendly, slightly yuppie but still practical, downtown like stores.

Anyway, Saratoga has quite a selection, and a well balanced one if I may say so myself. Borders was at one end, one of the few Borders I have ever seen downtown instead of in a mall setting. Burlington was the only other town I have seen that had that. A nice mix of coffee shops - a huge one called Uncommon Grounds, a Starbucks, a couple others maybe- two crepe shops - two!!! - one really fancy one with uber fancy things on the menu, a Ben and Jerry's, a Cold Stone, the likes of which I haven't seen in ages; I think I counted two different dog specialty or gift shops; several other gift shops; several art galleries of different kinds; several really, really nice looking resteraunts. Casual as well as fancy but every single one looked of good quality. One thing that impressed me is I think just about EVERY SINGLE RESTERAUNT I passed had outdoor seating. Almost every one. That is practically unheard of. Comfortable, ample outdoor seating. More useful in warm weather but still. Also almost all of the resteraunts posted their menus outside, also very unusual. It was very fun to be able to read the menus and imagine what the food would taste like. Most of it I wouldn't eat anymore but it is still good to imagine. I saw a really fancy place with exorbitant prices. I saw Maine mussels and lots of seafood on the menus which reminded me I was on the East coast again; after MONTHS of reading menus in Oregon, I got used to just not seeing much seafood. The only thing they ever used to really have on Oregon menus was tuna. Almost never salmon, a staple on the east coast.

So, resteraunts, cafes, coffee shops, what else. I don't remember but a good mix of stuff. Took maybe about 90 minutes to walk from one end to the other and back, so a long street. Didn't go in anywhere but window shopped and looked and that was good enough. Beautiful, stunningly beautiful looking park called Congress Park at one end.

Oh, and there is one side street that looks a LOT like all of the numerous side streets in downtown Portland it made me all nostalgic and gave me a feeling of "rightness," it felt right, it felt like home, walking down this street that was so much like my old haunts in Portland. Only 1-2 side streets though. It went downhill like the ones in Portland often do.

The whole time I was walking arond and looking at menus I thought to myself, the only thing I would really eat is a ceaser salad, but I wanted some meat too, and the only kind of meat I'd eat would be some kind of steak, prefferably marinated steak strips in a ceaser. That, I thought on and off for the whole 90 mInutes, would be absolutely perfect. There is so much food I can't or won't do, and even fish has started bothering me, I can't do chicken, or any sweets, it was damn freaking depressing to think of how much I COULDN'T eat. But you never see anything like that on menus, marinated steak strips I havent seen on a menu almost ever, too much to hope for. I also would have gone for grilled veggies. Anyway I had given up, walked literally from one end to the other and back, and I was standing back where I had started from. Which happened to be a resteraunt called Circus Cafe with a huge outdoor menu that I realized I hadn't read yet. And what do you know, THEY HAD BOTH A CEASER AND A SALAD WITH MARINATED STEAK STRIPS. Seperately but I asked if I could have the steak on a ceaser, and if I could do to go, and they said yes.

So I got it, and Eliza and I, who I hired to do driving for me, sat in the car to wait, and got a nice surprise when the hostess actually CAME TO OUR CAR to deliver the food. She said she saw us driving there and there was no reason both of us should be cold so she came to give to us. So very nice, she was!

It was amazing and stunningly good. I realized I hadnt had a good ceaser salad in a VERY LONG time, and I realizd that I love a good ceaser more than almost anything in the world. The west coast simply does not know how to do a ceaser. Every ceaser I have gotten in eiher Montana or Oregon has been very mediocre. MT's were a joke and a half and OR's were just mediocre, okay but not great. This was the real thing, the flavor burst in your mouth and satisfied every cell in the body. The steak strips were great, so flavorful, melt in your mouth, the flavor and texture also satisfying beyond belief. Together they were great. It was so good to be able to get a decent resteraunt meal for the first time in ages and for decent price. Wouldnt do often but good treat after two very difficult, trying first weeks here.

Eliza pulled over to the street and we sat for an hour eating and talking. She put the heat on high and I got some tea to warm my hands because we were freezing. It was really cold out. Eliza is simply amazing. I got lucky. Eliza does not like chemicals or fragrances which is why I chose her. But little did I know we have so much else in common too. On the way over she used two Jewish words in 15 minutes! She actually said the word "chotsky." Twice. I felt so at home. Only my grandparents ever use that word. And she said Oy! I asked if she was Jewish. No, but she was adopted into a Jewish home. How cool. She also has relatives in Maine - get this - in Yarmouth and Cape E. The town next to where I grew up! She said she would be interested in going to visit relatives sometime if I split gas, which would be amazing. But the most amazing thing that I am having issues writinf about I dont know why is I discovered she is an Aspie too. How do I describe? We slowly discovered we think the same way, process the same way, experience the world the same way. I did NOT bring up Asperger's. I did not force the topic like I so often do. But she was laughing about the way she does things and mentioned "Oh I think I have some autism in me." We kept noticing we did the same quirks. Not being able to multitask, being distractable, having a million thoughts go through your head at onc etcf. We were both playing w/ our phones trying to put each other's names in, both having trouble, both making like "thinking noises" to try to complete the task, we were like the mirror image of each other.

We talked about various things while eating dinner but it wasn't till we got home that somehow the Aspie topic really came up. And let me just tell you I have spent four years , four years, trying to meet every single Aspie I could in every city I have been to. I have been to Aspie groups in several cities. I have always searched for that one person who was like me who I could relate to more than anything,who it wasn't so much work to be around . I have sadly never found that person really, I have found people I get along with and like but never the person with the je ne sais quoi who was like me.

Eliza is that person. It is almost overwhelming to think about. I wanted to writer every word of our convrsation down so I would not forget it. I need to remember.

This will be disjointed because it is how I remember it:

Transitions - needing to program the brain to stop one activity before starting another, manually oil the brain - she said YES, she needs to do that too, and would get really overwhelmed before she figured it out, and figured it out really late in life.

Needing to stop talking some time and just breathe to relax before continuing - time outs - she says she wants to do this but can never remember; her former boyfriend did it and she admired it; she said it is good to be around me as it will remind her to do it

She kept saying this is amazing, this is amazing to meet you and have so much in common, this is so great, and I said the same thing.

Multitasking, and brain gets involved in one thing and can't switch to other, both of us

Uneven abilities, good at uncommon stuff, bad at common stuff, both of us; creative problem solving; I told her about the 9s on my cell phone not working and using the 9s in th recieved calls to rearrange the digits to make calls w/ 9s and she said "Of course you do; that makes perfect sense! To US. Not to anyone else but to us."

The struggle to accept yourself and stay true to yourself in thr face of opposition and criticism and so on. This was very hard for her as well as for me. School was hard for me as for her.

Research - she did a lot of research and reading on AS, ADD and other conditions to try to figure out what her difference was. She was familiar with Donna Williams, the neurodiversity movement, etc. Seems like she deals with problems a similar way I do, in trying to research the hell out of them.

There were so, so, so many times when one or the other of us would literally gasp with pleasure and disbelief at hearing the other person say exactly what we were thinking or feeling. It was that good. We kept putting words to the other's feelings, and that is something I treasure more than anything in life, the feeling of being understood. She told me I did a good job describing some things that she felt but couldn't articulate.

She was so understanding and accepting of the chemical sensitivity stuff. She paid for the stuff for me in the health food store without me even having to ask when I had trouble with something in there; I started to say I had trouble and she offered, etc.

Even down to stretching, we were talking about things we did in public that embarassed or used to embarass people we were with, and I gave stretching as an example, and she gasped as apparently she does it too!

Both of us have been told by people that we use too many big words and sound too intellectual and even superior when we are certainly not trying to do that.

She started to talk about how it is a different kind of loneliness, one that is really hard to deal with, I dont remember, and I gasped because that is EXACTLY what i was reading and weriting about last night. I told her about the stuff I was reading. So tired by that point - both of us were so tired we were losing our words but wanted to continue anyway.

And the biggest thing - for four years I have been aware that while I am a textbook AS case in almost every way there are two glaring exceptions. Empathy and emotions. Now it is not true that AS people do not have empathy; we just express it in differemnt ways. But that said I am more about , expressive of and requiring of , it seems, overt empathy than most Aspies. And I am CERTAINLY more emotional and animated than most Aspies. In fact I have really never met an Aspie even half as emotional or animated as me. Most Aspies as a rule seem to have a pretty flat affect. The person who diagnosed me said I was Aspiue anyway but I havw alays wonderd. Anyway she said the EXACT SAME THING. That she thought all the symptoms of AS fit her exactly except for those two things. I have never, ever met an emotional, animated, empathic, high functioning, intelligent Aspie before. No offense to all the wonderful Aspies I have met. But. It was like the missing piece.

So all said and done we were together for about seven hours! 4pm we left and she didnt leave the house till 11. We got to SS around 5 or so (got a little lost, ha), wandered till 7 or 730, ate to around 830, drove around for an hour or so till 930 to talk more, and sat in the car for another hour when getting there talking.

So then I/we were faced with an interesting quandary. I hired her to do driving for me, but we ended up friends and spent so much time talking and being together - how much to pay her? We hadn't set a price for the non driving time, such as when I was walking around SS, but agreed it would be less. So I asked her how much she thought would be fair and she said she didn't know, asked me. I threw out the price of $20 figuring a couple hours pay would be fair and she said that was what she was thinking too. So good. Had been a bit worried about how we would do it. $20 for a wonderful evening and a new friend, for seven hours of enjoyment? Not bad at all!

I asked her again to make sure she felt the price was fair, since we had agreed on an hourly rate and this obviously didn't cover it (the time we were talking etc) and said, "Well, it wasn't really work, it was a joy!"

I like being a joy to someone.

She said it was serendipity that we met, things work for a reason etc. I think I made a new friend. How cool is that.

Also she offered to give me an offgassed space heater she wasn't using which I very much need and some throw blankets she is not using, easing my worries about two things at least.

So thank God I got to write this as I needed to get my thoughts out and couldn't. There are so many challenges, so many beyond belief. Before tonight I was absolutely immoblized and paralyzed by fear and worry of all my problems. But for a few hours I found something to be happy about and it gives me something to live for, to look forward to, and to motivate me to work outmy problems for thesake of having this thing.

So somehow I need to be strong and work out the problems one by one. They are not unsolveable, I hope. And remember hey happiness is possible. Patience.

I did not get to go to Donna's and see the Maverick Music place where I may volunteer or even be able to be paid for doing some work for her in a chemically safe environment. Would be wonderful to have work to occupy my time, a friend to be with, a driver when I needed it. If I could just figure out these house, weather, and roommate problems, if I could start feeling secure here, I think a lot of good things would come my way. I think I could have alife worth living. But we will see.

Also I was able to wear my clean clothes today so that is a good thing. So far anyway. So many problems left, and it's so cold in here and I am so worried about that, but I have to remember to be strong. Problems will be solved if given enough time. It is worth waiting for, i hope.

She mentioned a small studio house attached to her house. Later on after the friendship develops more I should ask her about it ad the possibility of renting it. I am not sure if it is just a workshop or is inhabitable to livein. I won't get my hopes up, though.

At least tonight I got some hope. Even if everything else is bad, even i the room is cold and something is making me feel ick, even if whatever, I got some hope today.

Oh and she reallt liked my rice crackers. We shared them! I put them in between us in the car seats and we shared them while pouring ou the details of my life. I didnt even have to use verbal language to offer them. I put them between us and she said "May I" in between other stuff and I siad yes and she did but we did it so quickly and in between other speech it was just nice it was nice to share something wioh someone too.

I still feel foggy and out of it and felt liek that even when with her but I still have to remember and appreciate all the good wonderful things rhat happened.

Ok - bed soon and strength for the challenhes of tomorrow.

Farewell to the West Coast, Farewell to Oregon: A Summer Well Spent

I am moving to Ballston Spa, New York on Monday. I will live with a woman with chemical sensitivity, who has a son with AS. Despite not being able to make it in Oregon I still had a great summer here, although a very challenging one at times. I saw three different cities, and got to experience a lot. I never could have imagined when I wrote my farewell to Maine post four months ago what would transpire over the summer while I was here. Never thought I'd get to see Eugene for one thing, never thought I'd be camping or live in a hippie commune, but things work out the way they work out, right? I dont know what lies ahead for me in the future and I am plenty nervous and scared but I know I have the strength to make it through. Here's to new adventures and learning how to live, just one bit at a time. Here's to having the patience to learn new lessons over and over again, as frustrating and painful as that may sometimes be, until you get them. Here's to new hope, new choices, to strength and to independence. Here's to making your own way, no matter how damn hard it might be, and it is PRETTY DAMN HARD. Here's to never giving up, and finding the bright spots in life.

A Young Woman Does Oregon


A Young Woman Does Oregon

So, in this summer I have been to the coast, I have been to the desert; I have lived in a hippie commune for a month, I have camped for two weeks. I have seen medium sized cities, and I have seen towns so small there is no cell phone reception. I have seen llamas, sea lions, yuppies, hippies, cows, cats, and met the mayor of Eugene at a farmer's market. One thing I know: I did up Oregon well.

In this summer, I have been to the coast - six weeks. Newport, with all its seaside beauty and cute little shops. With its llamas by the side of the road, expresso ice cream and beautiful ocean air. I have been to the desert - Bend, with its maddeningly dry air and high elevation, air I could never get the hang of breathing. Learned how to cook. Met some great, wonderful people. Went to more farmer's markets in more cities than I can count. Hiked up an extinct volcano. Had wild Alaskan salmon and lox more times than I can count until I finally got sick of it.
I have lived in a hippie commune outside of Eugene, where I went at the last minute to escape a certain return to my parents'. I am forever thankful to the person who said yes, a friend from online I barely knew who agreed to drive me to Eugene at the last minute.

I saw people working together and living together in more or less harmony; lots of tie-dye; concerts with Grateful Dead music; met a schoolteacher with a British accent from North Carolina who took an interest in me, got to spend time in the company of a young woman with Down's Syndrome who touched me with her common fears, hopes and dreams, things that I shared down to the very last one. I spent a lot of time trying to deciphere the difference between kindness and obligation. I watched as people my age cooked like they were master chefs, using all organic and mostly homegrown ingredients, to create amazing meals. I had homemade basil balsamic salad dressing made from scratch. I had long and engaging conversations in the dining hall. I got to talk to a German guy about an Indian guru commune I had read a book about and he had lived in. I had some peace and quiet living on my own for a bit , even if it was nerve wracked since I was also trying to find a place to live.

I went to many, many farmer's markets and had some of the best blueberries of my life. I got to explore all of the natural food stores in Eugene and really enjoyed being able to do my shopping at Capella's. I learned how to cook steak, salmon, sole, lamb and buffalo, as well as veggies such carrots and potaotes.

I got to eat grass fed beef for the first time in my life. I camped for two weeks and realized I could push myself farther than I thought, that I was stronger than I thought. I learned about people. I learned about myself. I made some good connections with people and some not so good connections with people. I learned what it feels like to be grateful for all the truly good and helpful people out there (and to feel angry over the not so good ones).

I battled fear and anxiety as constant companions all summer, but also enjoyed wonder and delight as frequent guests as well. I saw physical scenery that soothed my soul; walked on rocky beaches more beautiful than I could have imagined. I rode in a tow truck for the first time and hopefully the last; I climbed an extinct volcano and dealt with getting lost several times. Each experience I had left an imprint on my soul. I breathed in the world. I lived the world. I experienced the world. The world is big, so big, full of so many corners and untapped areas. A person could never hope to learn and see about everything that exists even in this country in their lifetime. But this summer, I made a dent in it. My worldview is broadened for having spent the summer exploring the state of Oregon. Newport, Bend and Eugene; I think those are pretty good choices. There was, and still is, as I prepare to leave in two days, a lot of frustration. A lot of depression. A lot of worrying. A lot of wondering if I wouldn't be up to the challenge, if I wasn't good enough to handle what came my way. But I did. Every. single. time. I did. And instead of looking back and thinking what I would have liked to change and the person I would have liked to be to better enjoy it, I hope I see that I was able to be up to the challenge. That I was able to take what I could get and make the most of every drop and every experience.

I continue to struggle with my issues. Mostly fear and anxiety over my issues. I try to tell myself that things will work out and I will have the capability to do what I need to do. I just have to trust. I've gotten this far. In some ways I have felt like most of this summer was like some kind of weird video game where you have to master the earlier levels to get to the harder, higher levels. One level mastered is just an excuse for more challenges, but at the end you get lots of points! Well, life is still like that, still increasing the difficulty level every day, but if I remember it's all in how you play the cards, then I think maybe I will just get somewhere that is worth going.

My next adventure is to live with a woman in upstate New York who shares some of the same challenges I do with sensory issues and chemical sensitivities. She also has a son with Asperger's who I hope I can use my vast knowledge of AS and my life experience to be a good influence on. As well as another young woman who is on the same life path to trying to find contentment and health and peace of mind. I will stretch myself more there, no doubt. Life sometimes seems to have a very slow learning curve for me. It takes many times for certain lessons to sink in. But when they sink in, I rejoice! I need to have enough perservarance to hang in long enough to get to a place worth going. Sometimes I despair and think that with my problems, such a place doesn't exist. But other times I remind myself that that's not true. Sometimes you have to redefine your idea of success and worthiness. Surviving and being in a safe environment is the first step, and that is worth any amount of effort. Being able to become comfortable enough and healthy enough in that environment so that you can do what you want to do with your life, and have a meaningful impact on the world and others, is the second. The truth probably lies somewhere in between those two ideas. You do what you can, with what you have, and you always strive to do more; but you don't let obsessing about what you don't have dominate your life if you can help it.

Yes, the East coast will be a change after experiencing the sunny skies of Oregon all summer, but the rains will soon come and it will be nice to experience a crisp New England fall and try to savor the fact that someway, somehow I am managing to be independent and in control of my life. And when you get to a certain point in life, that's all you really want, at least at the bare minimum. Everything else, one hopes, will come in time.

Please leave comments if you read this, they mean a lot to me. Thanks! If not I'll just have to hope someone is reading anyway.

A Conversation About Conversations

This guy whos name was Helmut.....Hes german...we were talking. About conversarions. I mentioned Aspergers and somehow we got t o talking.

I am out of it and cant write anything very coherently but I wanted to remember a few concepts that we talked about....apologies if this doesnt make any sense .

a) spontaneous versus planned conversations
obviously sponatenous better but i never get into spontaneous convos and if i didnt try so hard to start convos with others then id never talk to anyone; problem is when you try to plan ahead of time in your head what you are goign to say to someone and what you are going to talk about it it doesnt sound very spontaneous and sounds forced.
but twice now i have had spontaneous conversations with Helmut and his partner which is probably more spontaneous conversations than I've had with anyone for the whole year up to now and with the same person, that's pretty damn good

the first was when we were in the dining hall and they had just finished up a meeting. on their way out they said hello to me and i found out they were visitors and they talked about what they liked about LV and asked me questions about it,. That started a long conversatoion about intentional communities and community in general that was fascinating and lasted at least an hour or more.

then monday i felt a bit awkward around them as i felt like when i said hi i diidnt get a great response but maybe i was imagining it who knows. so i gave up trying to talk to them aagin even though i really liked them because i thought well maybe it was just a one time thing. cus it seemed king od awkward. but i sat at the picnic table they were at tonight at dinner more because i just needed a place to sit than because i thought i would get involved in any conversations. but after sitting there for a while there was a lull in converrsation and without really planning it i turned to them and i said "i read more about the (Indian commne) and read about how they used food poisoning to try to rig the election at the end" and it started a short conversation about that, then i askd them how their day was and they asked me how mine was and that started the convo about aspergers and communication

So the point is since they were spontaneous they were good conversations but 99% of the time spontaneous convos just do not happen for me. no one usually initiates convos with me as sad as that sometimes is and if iwant to talk ro someone i have to initiate but that means i have to plan what i am going to say so it does feel a bit less natural but what cvan you do?

b) Anyway we talked about leaving space in conversationsfor people to talk and think, and about how if you are comfortable wiht yourself other people will be more comfortable with you. If you can say things confidently and without as much anxiety people will be less scared of you. Also if youcan be comfortable enough with yourserlf to have spaces in conversation not filled with conversation people will feel more comfortable and be more likely to say something becasue they have had space to think. I think that would be a good thing and want to try doing this more.

c) he said if you are thinking about yourself and how you are coming across and how nervous you are and so on that you have no space within yourself to hear or percieve the other person. you are not liosteningthen. So to be more present you should be ok with yourself i guess. i dont know. i asked him what it would like to be "present" with someone and "percieve" them more than i already do. i ask questions to show im listening , repeat statements, etc. i feel like i am present with people.

but he then said something interesting, he said, it's not about what you say as much as what you are,
that people will be able to TELL if you're interested and listening without you saying that you are, I dont know what I think about that. Communications classes always teach the importantance of active listening don't they? I believe it is important to let others know tyou are listening actively. But, of course, the thing is, it comes down all to nonverbal language which I and everyone else with AS suck at completely. Somehow NT people KNOW that other people are interested and or connected WITHOUT ANY VERBAL LANGUAGE to indicate so. And that drives me crazy! Because of course I can't tell if someone is interested or not or tuned into what i am saying unless they say so; so I guess I assumed they felt the same. So i think the message was that I should just focus on conversing wiht someone and .... I don't know, this is where it gets too abstract for me. I feel like I can't do any more than I do to be "in connection with" and listening to someone during a conversatino bt there seeems to bea missing piece eluding me here.

How do you listen to others without worrying about your own stuff and having that come across? Any ideas?? it might not be someting that is changeable ..... I don't know .

It all seemed rather profound to me but the non concrete stuff went over my head. I did grasp the idea of people knowing other people were interested without them having to say it but I have NO IDEA how in the hell to do it or use the concept practically.

The nonverbal language deficit in AS drives me crazy. Aspies talk too much because they don't know how to communicate nonverbally or understand nonverbal messages; NTs think we're crazy and don't understand why; we don't understand them because they won't say anything explicitly; etc etc whole chain of events.

I think the only thing I can take away from this is to give people more space in conversations and feel more comfortable with yourself during conversations to try to create a higher level of comfort and connections during conversation.

Of course I have always felt that I could talk to someone until I was blue in the face most of the time and still not really feel a sense of connection to them....Something to do witth this is why but I cant quite put my finger on it nor know how to change it .

I did very much enjoy the conversation though and it did satisfy my need for deep intense meaningful emotional conversations. Gotta love thsoe German guys. Who knew you could get nto a convo that good with someone you just met - only at a commune- as far as I can see at least some people here are used to very open communication.

The biggest problem with Aspies and convos is that we need RULES for everything and conversation is nothing if not a forum of communication supposed to be devoid of rules - ie - spontaneous, intuitive. We have to use logic to figure out what other people intuit and it would seem to me that that takes a LOT away from the game which is a damn shame.

OK I'm tired now...

Kate

What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been

Well, it's been a while. Yes. I wonder if any of my blog friends are still out there. Writing has been difficult lately because of all that has been happening. My roommmate in Bend gave me four days notice to leave. THAT was fun! I went into problem solving frenzy and tried to find every possible environmentally friendly living option that I could get to which numbered.....um.....Oh yeah! Zero! That was fun, too.

At the very last minute a friend suggested an ecovillage outside of Eugene. Otherwise known as hippie commune. At the VERY LAST MINUTE. I called them and asked if I could stay for cheap while they processed my application to rent an apartment for long term. They said yes. But I had no way to get there. At 5pm on Thursday I finally found someone who agreed to take me on Saturday - and a friend to let me stay in Bend one extra night.

My love of oldies paid off - he was the stepson of an Australian woman I know from oldies chat. Never know where connections are going to come from, huh?

He was a very nice, courteous and caring kind of guy. And his car was fortunately safe for me. We had a pleasant drive over.

The place I'm at is an educational center, has yurts, tents, cabins, and a few apartments. Lots of woods, etc. Common dining hall, thingd made out of cob.

So I stayed in a large apartment for a week , at the end of which they denied my application. At first I thought it was because my previous roommate gave a bad reference, which I overheard walking by the office. That was fun! Not. No, I don't know why I put it down.

But then I was told it was because they thought that my "sensory issues" were not compatible with living here. That that is basically disability discrimination did not occur to me until much later .

They did however let me stay for a short time in another unit while I looked for places to live in Eugene. Not as long as I had hoped, of course, but at least they let me stay. They are nice, generous, compassionate people, other than, of course, the whole disability discrimination thing.

At the moment I have a week left and still no place to live. Also fun - NOT. I have hired someone to do my grocery shopping for me as we are 40 min from nearest town (Eugene) and I don't drive. I hired someone to drive me to look for apts. I have done pretty good with independent living here, I'll say hat much. I have cooked everything on a hot plate.

So kudos for that but finding a place to live would be nice. I have one more possibility for Tuesday. If anyone has any ideas let me know.

I do love Eugene - ecocapital of the world .Most eco friendly city I have ever concieved of . They have a 140 page "eco friendly" business phone book, people actually know what chemical sensitivity is here, and tie dye and farmers markets abound. There is nothing more that I love than a good hippie city.

Except, of course, a place to live in said city.

So please I could use all the good wishes I can get....Thanks!

I just thought I'd do a quick update in case anyone was wondering where I'd gone to

I'm trying to be strong and am lucky to have support from friends....and an occasional family member although a good half of them are very against me trying to be independent it seems...

Kate