Too many thoughts

I am so sleepy, for the second night in a row. It is way too early for me to be sleepy and it is not like I haven't gotten enough sleep . So that annoys me !!! Very much but I need to write about this so I will try.

I'd go eat someth ing which almost always gives me energy but it didn't work last night and probablt won't tonight.

This sucks.

Anyway.

****

Okay, so this won't be poetry or even particularly good. My brain won't think, can't think of the words needed to put it together in a way that sounds good or draws the reader in, a neat paragraph illustrating the concepts I want to illustrate. Where did this crushing fatigue come from? I rarely have a problem with this, ever. It scares me to have it two nights in a row. What am I going to do? How am I going to make a life out of all these problems? If I can't write about it, I can't process it; if I can't process it, then I am dead meat because that is what my life is about. I need to write to process to experience to understand. I need to be able to understand, I need to be able to feel. I'm useless when I get up. Am I now going to be useless at the end of the day too? I suppose that leaves the middle but RM is usually home then and I am distracted and then it's dinner time and am hungry....I dunno....I just don't know.

Everyone replied to my pictures today. Not everyone but a lot of people. Probably a dozen yesterday and a dozen today, and not all the same dozen either. Wonderful comments and it warmed my heart to get so many compliments, especially from the pictures yesterday, especially from people I hadn't talked to in a while that were so happy for me. It warmed your heart to see, like I said.

But today, most of the responses I got, while very well meaning and not seemingly harmful, enraged me instead of warming me. It wasn't the fault of the senders for anything they said, not at all. No, it was my fault for trying to perpetuate what sometimes seems a charade. The cognitive dissonance, as I said in a previous post, is killing me. Killing me. I live in a picture perfect fairy tale place with a woman who is seemingly perfect in every way and continues to amaze me in every way. Yet I just feel brain dead and unable to process or feel the joy of these good things most of the time; my anxiety over my health issues and the aforementioned health issues are at an all time high. The split between the two is pretty much unbearable most of the time. So when I got all of these comments in my email in which roughly half of the people said something like "I am so glad you are finally able to experience a sense of joy and vitality," "I am so glad you are happy, looks you found the perfect place" and other comments referring to finally finding a sense of peace and stability when that's anything but what I feel, especially when I feel that is the way I should feel, you can maybe see why I just about lost it and was completely enraged. Not at the people who sent the emails, like I said, what did they know? I was enraged at myself and the situation. I still am. I don't know what to do about it, really. The emotions need to be worked out in my head somehow. I need to be awake for that to happen. Hahahahaha.
I totally forget what I was going to write about this. I have been staring off into space all day thinking of things, mulling things over, and imagining what I might write about it later on, only to find I'm too sleepy and brain fogged to put into words what my brain so desperately needs to expel. That is FRUSTRATING!

I'd go stuff myself with junk food if I thought it would help but last night it didn't. I wish I had gotten the Trader Joe's stuff 2 weeks ago so maybe I would have felt better then. I will on Friday. Too long.

On the one hand I love feedback from people, especially positive, on the other hand it feels so hollow when they generalize from one instance - my day on the coast - to the whole living situation, I guess that is what bothers me.

Okay, focus. Back. What the fuck is the purpose of joy, I have been thinking....if it is followed by days of feeling like this? And then I thought, what the hell did I think. Um. Something about joy. Joy. About if feeling joy is real or not. If I was feeling joy. The dog is so loud, he is licking himself. I wish he would go back to sleep. Okay. If i was feeling joy..... because everyone said I was feeling joy.....but I don't think I was. Or if I was, it wasn't like it used to be. I know what joy used to feel like and this isn't it. I used to feel joy quite easily despite my difficult living circumstances. I felt it in my mind, my body, my soul. I felt it physically and emotionally. It made me dance and sing. It made me feel light and air. It made me feel connected. It was good. Now, I don't deny that I have enjoyed all of the outings I have been on. I have. I have soaked up every detail and I have enjoyed them. But I have done it all from a vantage point too far away. A mind too far away. I have felt like I was looking at most of it from afar, pushing my tired bloated body into doing what I knew it needed and wanted to do, and doing it, but with a sense of joy very dampened. I know intellectually that everything I have done is fun and great and beautiful; but the emotional is missing - or if it is there, it is at 10% of what it used ot be. Maybe, because I am used to feeling things so strongly, what I felt was equivalent to what most people feel and therefore would be deemed "good enough"? How would I know what people normally feel, so I don't know. But it's not me. I was thinking - in college I had an enormous amount of intense ups and downs. I would go from absolutely euphoric to severely depressed and nearly almost suicidal many, many timese each day. The feelings lasted a few minutes each, maybe an hour or two - and then switched back to the other. I didn't usually have any in betweens. It was exhausting on one hand, but exhilarating and wonderful on the other. And looking back - in my post college life depending on living sitution I was a little mroe I guess "mellowed out" in that neither the highs or lows were anywhere nearly as intense,and it was a little boring, a little depressing, to not havw those highsl. But I still had some so it was okay. And now to not be able to experience them at all it seems - and for some reason not as much, in some ways not as many lows either but - but - I don't like it . I would trade the extreme highs and lows for college, to have those highs. To feel that ecstacy, the feeling of pure bliss, the feeling of being alive and loving it, of feeling connected to the earth, the blue sky, the world, of being enveloped in bliss (usually found from wandering around the grounds with radio on, but high on the world), is worth it. It is worth the lows, which were usually depression from comparing myself to others which is particularly easy to do in a college environment. I want those back again. That is living, that is life . I want the emotional highs it doesn't matter how bad your life is and how much distress you have on a dailt basis if you have the highs too. this is frustrating.

So sleepy again Need to focus.

Most things I need to write about or relive to appreciate. So in writing it it might seem like the joy was more porportionate to what it was, because it is easier to experience or describe joy in things after the fact, for me. But what is joy? I mean can I honestly say ... God, i cant keep a thought in my head long enough to write it, so this isn't going os well to write about it. should stop while im ahead.

I can't figure out if i actually enjoyed what i purported to enjoy in my writings and pictures that my grandfather raved about. I know I enjoyed it a little but to what degree, to a degree acceptable? to a degree that makes the rest of life worth living? life must have value. lately i am feeling mine does not. this despite living in such a great environment. it's a bit worriesome. i dunno. i love RM, i love the ocean , but i cant stand the way im feeling.

In many ways I havent felt as many acutely negative emotions either tho. All the stuff with the lost bagggage and any of the many challenges Ive had since Ive come - no anxiety no worrying about them for most part. I attributer that mostly to RM's calming and grounding presence. But who knows maybe my emotions are so flatteened I cant feel acute good or bad and thats not good. I do still feel anxierty when I thibk of health stuff but its different from before. its more generalized, more free floatting general level all the time instead of acute. acute was maybe better because although it was really really bad for a short time it wenr away quickly and then i was fine, this kind seems to never go away and that's not good.

i have got to finish writing this.
i wanted to end this by putting something in perspective. that was put into perspective for me.
A woman I dont know well responded to my pictures on facebook by saying "Wow, you are so blessed to have seen that and captured its beauty!"

Not, "wow, your life is perfect now I'm so happy for you" but a comment instead that captured a very distinct and finite moment in time. In a sense - it was something I could understand. I mean. Something I could agree wirth. I AM blessed to have seen such an amazing sight. I AM blessed to have captured its beauty. That doesn't make any statements about the rest of my life or the quality of my life, just that I was blessed to have been able to experience that moment. That one moment. For better or for worse - it does not matter what comes before or what comes after, but that ONE MOMENT was good, and that, I suppose, is all that matters.

Man, I have worked myself into a tizzy over this huh. I wonder if it's an Asperger thing , to be so obsessed with the accuracy of statements made about you? I have always been like that. Can't stand if someone guesses mty feelings wrong or makes an incorrect statement about me. Can't stand it. As Aspies we need a way to make sense of the world. Maybe this is one way. I don't know. Doesn't seem to be serving me so well does it? But these are important questions, they would have come up one way or another.

I wonder if I'm reacting to my clothes. lately i have noticed i feel worse when i put them on after my shower. there is a smell of some sorts, i seem to be reacting to . but i need clothes. i cant freak out about my clothes or i wont be able to function at all. hmm what a dilemma. clothes suck. did i mention i have 1-2 pairs? sensory issues + MCS reactions to clothes = really suck.

Em so this was about the most disjointed post I have ever written.

That wasn't even what i wanted to write about too. Go figure.

i wanted to write about, well. i like my roommate so much and i wanted to write somethign to let her know how amazing i find her to be. i have pointed out things i like about her verbally sometimes so she knows i think but i just feel like. well. if everything goes to hell like most of my friendships/livin situations do i want her to know beforehand how amazing she is. i dont know. i just feel like it should be commemorated.

she gave me 2 compliments today. that made me feel really good. 1) was she asked me to take out the compost and I asked if it could wait an hour as I needed my alone time on the computer to wake up, had just gotten up. She said that was okay and then several minutes later said "I said that was okay because I know you'll actually do it, you do things when you say you will." And I felt so good because no one has ever said that to me in my life, usually people tell me I don't do things or some other similarly negative comments, I don't think I've ever got such a positive compliment in my life. It made me feel good about myself. And I did take the compost out later, when I was more awake and the air had gotten better. :)

2) we were discussing music and she said she had a simon and garfunkel cd i could listen to, i said would be happy to listen to it when she was gone one day since she doesn't like music or noise of any kind in the house usually, and so i dont listen to the radio or any music when she's home and awake, which is kind of a big sacrifice for me as i usually listne to the radio 24/7 but is more than worth it to be able to live her, and i understand sensory issues so i want her to be comfortable too. anyway so she said after i said that about the cd "well we could listen to it when im here too" and i said "well i thought you didn't like music in the house" and that led into her compliment of "you're doing a great job being careful with the music, i really appreciate it, thank you" i said thank you back for the compliment and she said "no thank YOU" and i felt good that i was able to do this thing that made her happy and to be a good roommate.

***

The compromise thing - it's actually happening. I'm compromising on the not playing music, she is on the windows. I can't stand open windows most of the time. The air has been humid and that means I can't breathe. Not east coast humid but still . She hates not having the windows open, she wants air circulating. So she opens the upstairs ones but leaves the downstairs ones closed for me when I want them closed. We are bending to fit each other's needs, and I think that is a beautiful thing.

If she has some food she thinks I'll like, she offers it to me. If I cook something, I always make enough for her, because I like to make people happy and food is a good way to. Usually I make baby potatoes with olive oil and spices, and make enough for her as well, and she likes them a lot. I made a lot of fish in the first two weeks which I shared as well. She made some wheat and dairy free pizza the other day, rice crust, pesto, olives, bell peppers, goat cheese , and she offered me some. I decided to try it and i actually loved it - never thught i would have in a million yrs. i've also tried vegetable rice crackers (good but addictive) , licorice root tea, steamed veggies, oitehr things I can't remmeber. This recriprocity is also really nice.

Finally, the laughter, I want to mention. I love the laughter. I love that we both can use it. We both use humor to spin negative things into positives. We can both appreciate bizarre humor, making jokes out of difficultt subjects. She laughs at everything and I love the sound of her laugh. She doesn't give me a weird look when I'm trying to make a joke out of some problem I'm having so as not to think about it; she laughs. She gets the joke. And I get hers. And laugh at them. That is another kind of recriprocity, and I love it.

Usually I am a very defensive and somewhat quick to anger person. I don't like this but I am, with most people. Not all the time but a lot. Most people just piss me off. I know they don't mean to. It's mostly communication difficulties, misunderstanding, nonverbal language, whatever. But I get annoyed easily if I feel someone is not understanding me correctly. And with my ASD difficulties, I feel that way almost all the time. And I show it more than I would like. So it is amazing to say that I have not felt that way once in the entire almost month I have been here with RM. Not once. I talk to my grandfather and as much as I love him I feel that way 10 times in 20 minutes. Most people I have to bite my tongue after spending half an hour with them. Not once that I can remember in a MONTH have I felt that way with her. I feel thoroughly understood by her and we communicate so well that I never have once feel attacked or misunderstood or defensive. That is really weird but really nice. Sure makes our relationship better too. I am afraid I will not be able to communicate with anyone else after being spoiled by her: I was impatient enough before, how impatient will I be after knowing what is possible? I suppose I'll just have to find a way t oput up with it again. Add to it the plus that she hasn't seemed annoyed by ME, either, and that's even more of a miracle. That's like front page new york times news. First time in my life that has happened. See my dilemma here? See the cognitive dissonance? I have found a person so perfect, yet I think her house may be making me sick . DAH. Not good. I don't know that for sure but I know there are a lot of mold issues in this part of the country with all the rain and etc and the room I am staying in had mold issues recently which she tried to take care of with ozone, and so I have to wonder in the back of my mind.

In regards to the first three items: people with autism and AS as I am sure anyone with any familiarity with ASD knows , have enormous, enormous problems with recriprocity. I know I always have. Both with feeling connected to others, with ever feeling in the same rhtym or being able to show R... I can;t even explain it, I don;t have the words but you know what Imean. So this feels kind of amazing.

It needed to be recorded.

But now I need to go to bed and hope the world looks brighter tomorrow .

Wed going to newport.

Am still planning on going to Bend in either mid or late June so that's another change. Gah. A change I think I want, but it's hard figuring out for sure.

night
Kate