I am moving to Ballston Spa, New York on Monday. I will live with a woman with chemical sensitivity, who has a son with AS. Despite not being able to make it in Oregon I still had a great summer here, although a very challenging one at times. I saw three different cities, and got to experience a lot. I never could have imagined when I wrote my farewell to Maine post four months ago what would transpire over the summer while I was here. Never thought I'd get to see Eugene for one thing, never thought I'd be camping or live in a hippie commune, but things work out the way they work out, right? I dont know what lies ahead for me in the future and I am plenty nervous and scared but I know I have the strength to make it through. Here's to new adventures and learning how to live, just one bit at a time. Here's to having the patience to learn new lessons over and over again, as frustrating and painful as that may sometimes be, until you get them. Here's to new hope, new choices, to strength and to independence. Here's to making your own way, no matter how damn hard it might be, and it is PRETTY DAMN HARD. Here's to never giving up, and finding the bright spots in life.
A Young Woman Does Oregon
A Young Woman Does Oregon
So, in this summer I have been to the coast, I have been to the desert; I have lived in a hippie commune for a month, I have camped for two weeks. I have seen medium sized cities, and I have seen towns so small there is no cell phone reception. I have seen llamas, sea lions, yuppies, hippies, cows, cats, and met the mayor of Eugene at a farmer's market. One thing I know: I did up Oregon well.
In this summer, I have been to the coast - six weeks. Newport, with all its seaside beauty and cute little shops. With its llamas by the side of the road, expresso ice cream and beautiful ocean air. I have been to the desert - Bend, with its maddeningly dry air and high elevation, air I could never get the hang of breathing. Learned how to cook. Met some great, wonderful people. Went to more farmer's markets in more cities than I can count. Hiked up an extinct volcano. Had wild Alaskan salmon and lox more times than I can count until I finally got sick of it.
I have lived in a hippie commune outside of Eugene, where I went at the last minute to escape a certain return to my parents'. I am forever thankful to the person who said yes, a friend from online I barely knew who agreed to drive me to Eugene at the last minute.
I saw people working together and living together in more or less harmony; lots of tie-dye; concerts with Grateful Dead music; met a schoolteacher with a British accent from North Carolina who took an interest in me, got to spend time in the company of a young woman with Down's Syndrome who touched me with her common fears, hopes and dreams, things that I shared down to the very last one. I spent a lot of time trying to deciphere the difference between kindness and obligation. I watched as people my age cooked like they were master chefs, using all organic and mostly homegrown ingredients, to create amazing meals. I had homemade basil balsamic salad dressing made from scratch. I had long and engaging conversations in the dining hall. I got to talk to a German guy about an Indian guru commune I had read a book about and he had lived in. I had some peace and quiet living on my own for a bit , even if it was nerve wracked since I was also trying to find a place to live.
I went to many, many farmer's markets and had some of the best blueberries of my life. I got to explore all of the natural food stores in Eugene and really enjoyed being able to do my shopping at Capella's. I learned how to cook steak, salmon, sole, lamb and buffalo, as well as veggies such carrots and potaotes.
I got to eat grass fed beef for the first time in my life. I camped for two weeks and realized I could push myself farther than I thought, that I was stronger than I thought. I learned about people. I learned about myself. I made some good connections with people and some not so good connections with people. I learned what it feels like to be grateful for all the truly good and helpful people out there (and to feel angry over the not so good ones).
I battled fear and anxiety as constant companions all summer, but also enjoyed wonder and delight as frequent guests as well. I saw physical scenery that soothed my soul; walked on rocky beaches more beautiful than I could have imagined. I rode in a tow truck for the first time and hopefully the last; I climbed an extinct volcano and dealt with getting lost several times. Each experience I had left an imprint on my soul. I breathed in the world. I lived the world. I experienced the world. The world is big, so big, full of so many corners and untapped areas. A person could never hope to learn and see about everything that exists even in this country in their lifetime. But this summer, I made a dent in it. My worldview is broadened for having spent the summer exploring the state of Oregon. Newport, Bend and Eugene; I think those are pretty good choices. There was, and still is, as I prepare to leave in two days, a lot of frustration. A lot of depression. A lot of worrying. A lot of wondering if I wouldn't be up to the challenge, if I wasn't good enough to handle what came my way. But I did. Every. single. time. I did. And instead of looking back and thinking what I would have liked to change and the person I would have liked to be to better enjoy it, I hope I see that I was able to be up to the challenge. That I was able to take what I could get and make the most of every drop and every experience.
I continue to struggle with my issues. Mostly fear and anxiety over my issues. I try to tell myself that things will work out and I will have the capability to do what I need to do. I just have to trust. I've gotten this far. In some ways I have felt like most of this summer was like some kind of weird video game where you have to master the earlier levels to get to the harder, higher levels. One level mastered is just an excuse for more challenges, but at the end you get lots of points! Well, life is still like that, still increasing the difficulty level every day, but if I remember it's all in how you play the cards, then I think maybe I will just get somewhere that is worth going.
My next adventure is to live with a woman in upstate New York who shares some of the same challenges I do with sensory issues and chemical sensitivities. She also has a son with Asperger's who I hope I can use my vast knowledge of AS and my life experience to be a good influence on. As well as another young woman who is on the same life path to trying to find contentment and health and peace of mind. I will stretch myself more there, no doubt. Life sometimes seems to have a very slow learning curve for me. It takes many times for certain lessons to sink in. But when they sink in, I rejoice! I need to have enough perservarance to hang in long enough to get to a place worth going. Sometimes I despair and think that with my problems, such a place doesn't exist. But other times I remind myself that that's not true. Sometimes you have to redefine your idea of success and worthiness. Surviving and being in a safe environment is the first step, and that is worth any amount of effort. Being able to become comfortable enough and healthy enough in that environment so that you can do what you want to do with your life, and have a meaningful impact on the world and others, is the second. The truth probably lies somewhere in between those two ideas. You do what you can, with what you have, and you always strive to do more; but you don't let obsessing about what you don't have dominate your life if you can help it.
Yes, the East coast will be a change after experiencing the sunny skies of Oregon all summer, but the rains will soon come and it will be nice to experience a crisp New England fall and try to savor the fact that someway, somehow I am managing to be independent and in control of my life. And when you get to a certain point in life, that's all you really want, at least at the bare minimum. Everything else, one hopes, will come in time.
Please leave comments if you read this, they mean a lot to me. Thanks! If not I'll just have to hope someone is reading anyway.
The Future of Trades
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