Yes, I know it's been a while since I've posted here. Long story. Short version is:
I am no longer in New York; I am back in Maine.
Due to above fact, I decided to discontinue this blog; but had nowhere to put the writing I did today with the oh so pretty picture, so decided that it would make a comeback.
March 14, 2009
After spending a pleasant afternoon in downtown Brunswick, Maine, my two friends having gone bowling while I met with another friend for a lovely outdoor lunch at the Wild Oats Bakery, my friends and I stood on the deck of Wild Oats debating what we would do for the rest of the afternoon.
"Let's go to Wolfe's Neck," said my friend N."
"Or how about Bradbury? Would that be closer?" I said.
A discussion about which hiking area was closer ensued; R said they were probably about the same distance.
He wanted to try some place new; he hadn't been to Bradbury but had to Wolfe's Neck. I had memories of going to Bradbury as a child, but not for years and years, and thought it might be fun to go back; N had no opinion, so Bradbury it was.
I wouldn't have thought of it, except there was a sign for its exit on the highway on the way to Brunswick, which is what gave me the idea. And I was very glad for that afterwards!
I didn't know what to expect. I didn't remember *anything* about Bradbury other than it was a place we had gone years ago that I enjoyed. I didn't know if there would be any easy, mostly flat, can be done in half an hour or so trails. I figured we could just go, scope it out, start walking somewhere and turn around if we didn't like it. I certainly didn't expect what we found.
We got to the parking area. N was a bit nervous because it was a bit colder out than it had been before. I was a little apprehensive when I saw the snow. Oh yea, snow. Of course there would be snow in winter. Forgot that one little fact.
We didn't have any idea what trail to take or how to choose, so we took the one right in front of us. After a little, we saw a sign that said "Summit, one mile," so figured that we could manage a mile.
We trudged upwards, on a gently inclining slope, in an almost meditative, repetitive fashion. N in front; me in the middle; R behind. Step, step, step. There was a certain peacefulness to the repetition in steps; the crunching noise as our shoes hit the packed snow, the same stride repeated over and over again. We hit the half a mile sign and decided to keep going.
I wondered if we might actually get a view at the summit that the sign promised; but I doubted we would, on a trail this easy, only going up a mile. Maybe.
It wasn't until we were almost at the top that the memories came flooding back. That was when the excitement started. We got to the incline just before the top, and all of a sudden I knew. I didn't know for sure, but I had this feeling that there was something wonderful waiting for us just a few feet away. "Could it be?" I thought. "Am I imagining this?" I didn't want to get my hopes up. I had this image - of a beautiful mountain top, rocks, trees, a view - flash into my head. I didn't want to trust it. Maybe it wasn't the same place. But then I knew, I just knew this was the place I remembered from my youth. I ran the last few feet, and lo and behold!!! There was heaven right in front of us! THIS WAS THE RIGHT PLACE!
All of heaven spread out beyond us. Trees, trees, nothing but trillions of beautiful trees in the valley and landscape below us. A perfect rock formation - the kind you could picnic on, relax and read a book on, make a day of. Just big enough to feel safe but small enough to seriously feel like you were on top of the world, that you had the whole world to yourself. And the rocks! I couldn't see them, because most of them were buried under snow, but I knew they were there. I could see myself on them. I could see myself in my youth, scrambling here and there, so happy, so delighted, so enamoured of these rocks. I could see myself as a summer camper, brought here by a summer camp program, and remember my intense dissapointment when they wouldn't let me scramble on those rocks - it must have been ten years ago, but I still remember that.
I remembered picnics spent here with my family, could almost taste the peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches we must have had. I could see the backpacks splattered against the rocks, remembered how long the hike up here seemed to me as a child! I remembered my delight at such an amazing view. And I was so happy to have it all back again.
To stand up there and look at all those trees, at the world in front of you, is truly to feel like you're looking out on heaven. It is a view and a feeling like none other. Removed from all else, you feel so free, and like you have the world at your doorstep. Because you literally do have the world at your doorstep. You are on a small rock formation with the entire free world surrounding you. And all that for a 20 minute hike (approximately 10-20 minutes from town), too!
I remembered when I was in Missoula and we went on a couple hikes, and even got up to several thousand feet of elevation, but never had a view. The view was always blocked by trees or something. There were still some spectacular things to see on those hikes, like the waterfall and the stream the scenery in general, but I missed the view. Somehow, I thought mountains in Maine had a view. Now I know, this is exactly what I was thinking of when I stood on that mountain in Montana. This view. This is what I was imagining all mountains should be like.
This was as close to "home" as I had felt in years; the sense of familiarity, the sense of everything being "right"; of being connected and peaceful. This was nature at its best. I stood there with a huge smile on my face, feeling happy and even joyful for the first time in a long time. What is it about nature like that inspires such joy? It just is. That's the way nature is. I'd kid myself if I thought I could (comfortably) live somewhere where I could never get out in it. I don't like nature all the time; but there are times when I definitely need a good dose of it.
R spotted a nearby tree and started to attempt to climb it. He looked so cute doing it! It made us all laugh.
I asked if anyone had a camera phone to take pictures of such a beautiful sight. Nate did, so we started taking pictures. We got Rob in the tree, and of course the beautiful view. I walked over to the tree and thought about trying to climb it, but was too worried about something going wrong, so declined. Wandered around the top some more. Then decided to give the tree one more try and see if it was maybe somewhat feasible to get closer to it for a better picture. I didn't really intend to climb it.
Well, I don't know what happened, but oh my gosh! I put my hands on that tree, and somehow my feet knew what to do, my hands knew what to do, my brain went on autopilot, and I climbed that tree without even thinking! And it felt damn good!
There must have been some kind of handhold at the bottom... I stepped on it and I didn't even have to pull much weight to get to the next one. It just came naturally. It was like stairs, only much more fun! I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I was in the tree. I kept going, until I got to a point where I could sit in the tree, near the top. I hadn't climbed a tree probably in ten years. I think Wildwood is the last place I can remember; we used to have a tree in our backyard of that house that I would climb, until it fell down one day, I think because of lightening.
So, I'm sitting in this tree, on top of a mountain, with all of the entire world's view in front of me. Looks like every tree that exists in the state of Maine and New Hampshire, almost! (Maybe not, but sure looked that way!) And I felt beautiful. It felt so... intuitive climbing that tree. My hands, my feet, became one with, to use a cheesy term, and melded with those branches. The branches felt like balm to my soul. They felt so right. They felt so comforting. It was so nice to grasp something solid and natural and real, instead of being in artificial universe such as indoors or even online all the time. Not that I don't like those things, but this was something that touched you at a much deeper level. I literally hugged the branch of the tree, and it felt, well, a lot better than you would imagine hugging such a rough, inanimate object would be - it was extremely comforting!
I had Nate take several pictures of me in the tree, and I hope they come out well. He has to figure out if he can get them from his phone to online.
I could have stayed up there forever, but it was getting time to go; it was near sunset and we didn't want to get down the mountain too late. I was again amazed at how EASY it was to get down. How NATURAL. How I didn't have to think. It felt like - usually every moment of my life I am flowing against the tide, fighting, fighting, fighting to stay afloat. Every moment I have the anxiety to battle, every moment feels like I'm treading water or walking backwards or just going against the tide, and it's exhausting and emotionally draining. But for these few minutes - these 10 or 15 minutes - things felt natural and not forced. They felt right. Even if it was for only a few minutes - something finally felt right. Maybe I can now have hope that some day more things will feel like this? At least now I know it is still possible, and that I have the capacity in me to feel joy, something that I haven't felt in a long time, but an emotion that I treasure when it comes. Maybe I can have more patience about getting to a place where I will be able to feel it more often, or at least getting to a place where it feels less like I am trudging against the tide every minute.
Maybe I should just spend more time in nature. :)
The last part of getting down was a bit difficult, I admit, and had me more than a little bit scared for a bit, but all was well in the end. We made out trek downwards in good spirits. We arrived back at the car at 7pm exactly, sunset. We headed on to Whole Foods for some dinner, dessert and grocery shopping. I had some delicious ribs and a creme brulee for dessert. Their creme brulees are out of this world. The eggs, cream, sugar, whatever else they use - puts me on cloud nine. Maybe not the most healthiest things in the world, but sometimes you need a bit of artificially induced happiness, especially when something of that high quality can come for only $3.50 (surprising at a place like Whole Foods.)
I stocked up on groceries, enjoying the wide variety and quality of the available goods....taking delight in every sensory offering that WF had on hand. Mmm, how lucky I am to get to shop there. I know I am lucky to be able to shop there, and it is the highlight of my week, for sure. I am so grateful for it every time, every minute of it. For having a place to go that I tolerate so well; for having good friends to share it with; of course, the amazing food; and the extremely friendly staff. I should send a letter to management perhaps. Every single time I have been there every single person who works there has gone out of their way to help me as much as possible, in as friendly a way as possible. They make you feel so welcome. I know, they're trying to get you to spend money, but if I'm going to spend money anyway, it's nice to do it in such a friendly atmosphere, with such friendly people, where the checker in the line I'm not even in will tell the checker of my line to pack my bags light, if I forget, without me saying anything, because he remembers me from before! Now that's customer service. That's making people feel welcome. You just have to appreciate people who are willing to go the extra mile like that. It may be small, but kindnesses like that and like the genuine pleasure that is interacting with all of their staff, making small chat at the register and so on, come so seldom in life, that they need to be appreciated when they come.
Full, satiated both emotionally and physically, we headed home after that.
I sat for an hour reliving everything in my mind, processing my emotions and feelings, trying to use them to strengthen myself for the challenges ahead.
I know that tomorrow I will find it hard to remember the sense of joy that I felt even briefly today. I know that I will return to my feelings of desperation and being scared, and of trying to fight against the current. So I write about today, in as much detail as possible, so that I may try to remember it as much as possible; to carry it in my heart to give me strength, and to know, that it is possible to feel like this again.
Today is what I was longing for when I was in Liberty those two months. Getting back to nature. I hadn't realized how satisfying that could be, how much I wanted and needed it, until I had it.
Of course, we were blessed by great weather conditions; sunny all day and in the high 40s and low 50s. And the fact that the place held so much sentimental value to me probably greatly contributed to my enjoyment of it. But still, I maintain. People need to be in touch with nature to feel more connected and calm in their daily lives. Nature, under the right conditions, can be enormously soothing.
