Cognitive Dissonance

Wow, I have a million thoughts going through my head and I'm not sure, how to write them or what to write or how to phrase them. It's a bit overwhelming. Everything is a bit overwhelming right now actually. I've been worrying a LOT about health issues. There are two main ones.... my .... certain part of body that I can't seem to type without worrying about it so I won't has been bothering me and making it harder to use the computer which makes me worry a lot, and yesterday or maybe the day before made me almost insane with worrying and caused a mini breakdown. The worry is always about, well. It just is . I can't seem to talk about it too much. The other is, well, another issue. I want to write about them but I can't. That's unlike me. I don't want them to be real I guess.

But they are. Life just keeps getting more and more overwhelming.

Three Dog Night is on the radio. I have a dilemma, a conundrum, a baffler. A... What do you call it? Cognitive Dissonance. Yes. Cognitive dissonance, that's what I've been using to describe it. And I sure as hell need to write about it but I am not sure I will be able to. But I will try.

On the one hand.... I have been dropped into the middle of a fairy tale. A fucking fairy tale. It's my blog, so I can swear, right? lol. The house is stunning, The surroundings are stunning, the nearby city is stunning beyond belief, I could never have imagined thing so....beautiful and stunning and amazing. I will overuse the word stunning now because I can. Ha.

My roommate is beyond belief. She is more stunning than any of the other things. She is a dream come true. She is the embodiment of everything I have dreamed of all my life. She's human, too, of course, so she's not perfect, as none of us are, but she's pretty damn near well close.

Just the way she's able to have conversations about anything and everything, the way she cares so much, the way she respects me so much, her problem solving, her ingenuity, her passion and joy and emotions, everything about her makes me go "Wow." Just tonight, it was a stressful and tiring day for both of us and I think we were both a bit on edge, and I was even beginning to have that afraid feeling about "Gosh, I hope she's not frustrated at me for X," whatever X was.
But we ended it with the most wonderful conversation, the meatiest, most meaningful conversation - just kind of spur of the moment - done when I was practically too hungry to think and she too tired to think, and this is what we come up with when we're both at our WORST? My God.... Heavens. A form of heaven is what it is, to be able to be this emotionally supported and almost to feel....to start to feel safe, knowing that talking to her can make it better. A feeling of security - that is what my heart aches and yearns for .

And it made me realize - we were talking about my friend A and how I said she was the only person I had ever felt emotionally close to, and how it was because of the problem of her dating my brother that we had gotten close - I felt very insecure and didn't like that my best friend was dating my brother - but we talked it through - very honestly - each stating our own opinions- each stating honestly how we felt - and we *respected* each other's opinions, we valued them, we acknowledged them, we listened closely - but it didn't change anything. It didn't change the fact that she was dating J and I was uncomfortable with that and myself, but it did, in retrospect, change everything, because it made me feel that I was supported and loved and cared for unconditionally - I didn't realize that until I typed these words, but it was the first time I ever really felt someone loved me unconditionally. And that was such an amazing thing. I didn't of course realize it at the time, all I knew was my pain and discomfort over the situation. But looking back - that is what brought us together, that is what made our relationship so close, that is what made me be able to understand what friendship was like and meant - having this issue come up and being able to be heard about it, being able to speak my mind no matter whatever was on it or how disagreeable, and working it out - without being punished for it, without having any resentment, without any negative repercussions whatsoever - that allowed me to start to accept myself.

Thank you A. I just realized. I was worried about her going out with my brother because I was worried about what it would mean for our friendship and my sense of my self and feelings about myself. Could I ever have imagined that it would make both a thousand times better? How ironic.

The reason I bring it up is it reminds me of the way that RM and I talked about the heat tonight. Our one point of potential conflict has been the heat - the only heat is a wood stove, and for various reasons such as almost running out of wood, she doesn't want to use it. I get freezing at night and when I'm cold I get lots of other problems and it's just not good emotionally or physically. So we have been disagreeing about the wood stove but have been doing it so respectfully and talking it out and hearing each other's viewpoints and it reminds me of what I did with Anna. We decided tonight we'd do it half and half.... so each of us would be uncomfortable some of the time but not all (the heat rises to her room and makes her too hot is the other problem, not as much the wood although that too.)

I have never seen someone able to talk something out so respectfully and honestly and without negative baggage....except perhaps for A.

Anyway I digress, I really do, but maybe what I said answers part of my question.

*** The other side to the equation.

It would be nice if that were the end of the story. It really would. But it's not. Unfortunately.
Every one of these joys is tainted. Every one of these joys I am prevented from really enjoying. It is MADDENING to say the least. It is frustrating beyond belief. It is the whole Look but don't touch, glass wall, kid in a candy store but can't buy anything thing. Ever since the first day I've had terrible brain fog. Well it hasn't been terrible every day, but most. It hasn't been good any day although there have been a few very rare good moments mostly in the beginning. Some days are really, really bad and other days are okay but the okay days usually have some other problem, like problem #2, so I haven't had one day I've been able to just relax and enjoy myself, and that is frustrating.

Anyway. The bad days I don't want to think about but I need to. It's like, everything is behind a glass wall, I see all these wonderful things but can't experience the feeling of joy that I KNOW I would experience had this happened to me two weeks ago before I came. I KNOW that no matter how I'm feeling, the scenery of this place, the town of Newport, and so on would pull me out of it and make me happy. I know that. But most days it's been like.... just foggy, can't think, can't focus, brain hurts, the head pressure thing, everything feeling just very far away. A little bit like, I hate to say it, but a little bit like the way I felt after the torturous and fateful Apt #3. Not as bad I don't think or have I just gotten used to it? That I can't tell. I don't think it's as bad but I don't know. I've adapted a lot to things I never thought I'd be able to. So anyway... it's just like how can I explain it . These conversations with RM - these stunning amazing blow you away emotional conversations that I would have died and gone to heaven about had I had them before - they're great, and I like them, and I can realize intellectually how amazing they are, and remember to make note of that so as to appreciate it, but internally I'm not feeling anything... they would have made me feel emotional connection before. Would have made me feel relaxed. Happy. But I just don't feel it now. I can feel it maybe 3% sometimes, the inkling of what it would be like, but can't FEEL it. She does calm me and I do love talking to her but all I can think of is how much more I would have enjoyed it before. And that goes for everything .... everything. Everything is tinged with a feeling of "I would have enjoyed this sooo much before..."
Some days my brain feels like pure mush, I have trouble keeping too many thoughts in at once, if I make an intention to do something I forget it 30 seconds later, I'm distracted beyond belief, can't remmeber what I was going to say in conversation, often can't find the words, often can't make myself get up and do anything, get way too lost in thought, stand there for 20 minutes verbally telling myself to "Go do X" some simple task and I just can't make myself do it, and it's so frustrating and scary!

The other part of this brain fog is even scarier, to me, it's a reduced ability to handle sensory
stimuli, and you KNOW I already have loads of problems with that. When it's really bad even pleasurable stimuli like music feels overwhelming. Moving, thinking, noise, too many thoughts, everything just makes my brain hurt. Luckily I've been okay with music every day since the first day, couldn't live without music, but I haven't been able to feel as connected to it as I usually do. Although today was better and I did feel connected to the music for once, except my X was hurting so much I couldn't focus on it, see what I mean when I say it's always something? If I ever have a day when the brain fog isn't bad then X is usually hurting and I'm completely freaking out over that. Short of reducing my computer time to shorter spurts so as not to cause the symptoms as much, I am not sure what to do about that. RM said muscles are tight, well yeah, how the hell do I loosen them? "Just relax them" somehow doesn't cut it. She did give me some magnesium to take so we'll see if that helps.

Anyway Where was I. Yeah, so my brain will feel like it's bursting out of its seams. Anything novel or any sensory information will make me feel dizzy and almost nasaeuous. It's awful! Ugh! I've only had a few days of it really bad, but often enough to be scary. Like I was trying to make chicken and even the actions of getting out the pans and figuring out what spices to put on them and doing so and putting them in the oven..... it was almost too much. I almost felt like I had to lie down in the middle of it. But I did it.

And then yesterday trying to switch the eggs from one bowl to another and my brain couldn't seem to figure it out and was in a daze and couldn't access the information about what I was supposed to do. There were eggs, and there were 2 bowls, and I couldn't remember what I was supposed to do with them even though I had been told just a minute ago. It was overwhelming.

So it's a combo of being out and about and not being able to *connect* and *feel* and let go and just let myself be joyful which I usually am in enjoyable situations.... instead just feeling.... BLAH... and of the oversensitivity to stimuli and brain mushiness and distractability that really has me concerned. Because I know how I was before I left, I know my history of symptoms, and I was NOT like this, and never have been except for afer hateful Apt #3.

So the cognitive dissonance is trying to holding two beliefs in my head at once: 1) This is a perfect, fairytale place and 2) I can't seem to enjoy this perfect, fairy tale place. I know this place is perfect. What the hell gives?

Now, as far as I can see it, there are a few possible causes for this.

Also, the first day was the worst but it was almost of a different kind ( i think) so is possible that both issues are present but first went away.

1) Seaport airline flight - Had VERY strongly the new car smell, miserable, lost all sense of cognitive functioning, immediate brain fog onset, head felt like stuffed with cotton, etc when got on there and for 40 minutes, sobbing the whole way. Needless to say I will NEVER be taking this airline - a commuter plane from Portland OR to Newport - again. I was freaked out the first day that I had damaged myself permanently, it was almost intolerable, but seemed to be a little better on Monday.

b) The one thing I haven't mentioned is that the bedroom does bother me a bit. I didn't really notice the first night I was so tired - except I do remember thinking it was odd that it took me so long to fall asleep as I very rarely have trouble with that...even in new places.... especially after being tired from cross country flight.

It stings my nose when I go in there and I feel immediately very irritable and depressed. I can't think clearly. The one time I tried to use the computer in there..... couldn't think and felt VERY agitated. Now I only sleep in there and do nothing else, and I've barely noticed in some ways - the fact that I don't have a bedroom I feel safe in, you would think would be a major red flag that would be very upsetting - but the rest of the house is so beautiful and I get along so well with RM that I don't mind spending all my time on the living room floor or couch. For years I've wished for a living room I could feel safe in so it's kind of nice to have one. In any other place it simply wouldn't be possible as I wouldn't be able to stand not having my own space away from people - but I like her so much - I don't mind, I don't notice. And we both like our alone time on the computer so we have set boundaries more or less about when it is ok to talk and when it's not. Sometimes I do wish I had another room to go in like when she wants to open the windows / sliding glass doors and I don't, but I try not to think of it and mostly it goes ok.

But it is worriesome. She said there was mold in that room but she ozoned it and thought she got it all, and I wonder if this room could be damaging me and causing these symptoms. If so it would not be healthy or safe to keep being in there but how do you know? And the only other option is sleeping on the (not really a) couch so that doesn't work so well.

c) Sensory considerations/ other

It has crossed my mind that maybe the brain fog is a result of not enough sensory stimulation, as that has happened before, although NEVER to this extent. But often I would feel a little like this in the first few hrs of a day before I was really awake or had a walk or anything. And since she doesn't like music in the house, I haven't been listening to the radio except for late at night when she is asleep and ok'd it, so maybe the lack of the sensory input from that is doing it. Also I've been out of junk food so maybe it's the lack of sugar, although lack of sugar in Liberty never made me feel like this. To consider: Three out of the four times I have been in Newport, I have felt...to some degree good, awake, alive, able to process *to some degree*. Well...No... I think it was pretty much what I wouldd call "normal" but all three times I was so hurried due to time constraints that I wasn't able to relax and really enjoy it - otherwise it would have been "normal" I think and I regret I haven't been able to have a mix of things yet so that I could actually relax and really enjoy myself, which it seems criminal not to do in these settings.

So I would say that perhaps it's just the lack of positive stimulation or any real stimulation, lack of meaningful activities, lack of sunshine maybe, as the worst days are usually always on cloudy or rainy days and every Newport day has been, fortunately, sunny- except for the third time, which was also the time I had the most amount of time, and where I stayed brain fogged and out of it the entire time, which was a shame since I had almost three hours to play with and the other times usually only about 90 minutes.

Today was better, was able to feel things more. But whenever I don't have the brain fog, something usually hurts...... Maybe that acts as a stimulus in itself? What a weird fucking trick my brain would be playing on itself if that were the case. Argh!!

I don't know but it is scary and frustrating.

So I try to ask myself: what do I need in life to be happy?

And to redefine stuff.

Also try to do find more non computer activities as it has become much harder to use the computer lately - seem to be more sensitive to EMFs or whatever, burns my hands a bit to be near, and also makes my X hurt to use it too much, which sets me into a panic. The other day, I got up and my whole right side hurt - everything - and I couldn't even lift anything wiht my right hand, no matter how light - hurt too much. It was kind of like agony. I tried to use my left hand and not lift stuff and whatever but yuck. Got better after I sat i nthe sun for a bit as it turned sunny later i nthe day. Not all the way better but was able to lift things. Made me panic. But was better today. That was yesterday I think. Hope it doesn't happen again but it always seems on the verge of. Using computer makes it a bit worse but need to use it - but trying to limit amount of time I do. Did colored pencil drawing, cooking, walking, sit in the sun, talk to RM, occasional phone call although I HATE land phone, whatever I can find to do .

Between those 2 issues I've been in an near state of panic for most of every day for 2 weeks.
I try to focus on how beautiful the surroundings are and the animals and good things and that makes it bearable but it's been a real struggle and it's getting to me a little.
And of course I love the conversations with RM, but it does make me a little nervous to be essentially depending on one person for so much; namely, the connection I have become accustomed to.

And I also put a lot of pressure on myself to be as calm and collected as possible so I can be a good roommate for RM. She seems okay with everything, even the last 2 days when I've dissolved into tears and sobbing twice, and just seems to understand everything NATURALLY - the way I've always wanted someone to - with no effort. But I don't want to push the box if you know what I mean.

Anyway....So that's that. It feels like I've found paradise only to lose it to some unnameable force. Paradise, Lost. Or more accuarately, found paradise and never able to enjoy it.

The other question is - I hate to even bring this up but - do I thrive on crises? Without the constant survival issues to distract me, focus me, and put me on edge does my brain just turn to mush? That's a scary thought. Do I need to take some kind of stimulant med to make it turn on?
Does it just not know what to do with safety? Again. YUCK.

Changing gears - I got up at 6:45 AM today so I could go into Newport with RM. This from a person who has a hard time usually going to BED by then. Usually get up around 1-3pm. And I did it almost without thinking or really having to put much effort into it.
Which was great.
Her only appt was 9am, so.
Made a quick trip through town taking pictures w/ new camera. Was great, took everything, about 90 shots I think too. Nye Beach to Bayfront to Oceana. Hurried, didn't have long, but got everything. Great shots of a sea lion swimming in the coean :) Bad news is , camera isn't compatible with my computer. So my grandfather is going to buy a device to make it work but won't be in till next Thursday.

Least I got into town for a little bit. Hard having so much time to kill after. Went for another walk to enjoy the sunshine but X was bothering me. Talked to the neighbor for a bit. Didn't do much after...we got home at noon or so.

That's all for now, I'm getting pretty tired. Tomorrow is another day. Sunshine, and who knows what will happen. I still haven't tried my salmon candy. Can do tomorrow.

Goodnight...
Kate