Salmon, Computer Issues, and My Day

I am feeling a little uncentered and unglued because I can't focus on the computer, and I need my computer time. I can't focus because there is no heat. Why it is this cold in May, who knows. But. Usually we make a fire in the woodstove but we didn't tonight. So. I am sitting here trying not to be frustrated over it. The portable heaters just don't do it. One is loud and has a weird smell, the other doesn't work well enough, has a little bit of weird smell, and makes me lean to one side to get the heat therefore making that area of my back hurt which makes me freaked out so that is just not good at all overall.

But hopefully we can make a fire tomorrow. We did talk about it and we compromised and said we'd make a fire from 9am-12pm so I could have a few hrs a day of being warm and able to focus on the computer, which is downtime I need very much and might fall apart without, but my roommate didn't want to make one tonight. I didn't want to push it, I had only gotten cold recently and thought maybe I could push through it, but no, it just makes me feel miserable, to be cold and not beable to do anything about it and not be able to focus on the computer, but I don't want to make it into a bigger issue than it has to be. And honestly I love every single thing about her and every single thing , with the exception of PHONE RECEPTION which she has no control over, is going great, so I hate to make an issue of this, except it is an issue. I need my downtime. I need heat. The problem is there is no wood left - long winter - didnt expect to need it in May. ARGH.

Anyway. Good things. Write about the good things.

1. Felt icky when I got up but felt better later. Proud of self for getting thru first few hours of day calmly.
2. Wanted to do something non computer related so I asked if RM (roommate) had any colored pencils which I thought she did. And I drew a whole paper picture of Siletz, with the llamas, and peacocks, and all the trees and greenery and pond. I was rather proud of it and it was relaxing to do. Art therapy you might say. Maybe I should do one of Newport next.
3. Managed to call grandfather although was rather agitated doing so, can't stand that phone and was too impatient to have decent convo although we did talk for a while.

4. **** TA DA *** lol Made salmon from what I bought Friday. Made mix of olive oil, basil, garlic and lemon juice! Baked it for about 40 minutes. Turned out all right - the taste of the herbs and spices was good, but the salmon was a bit thick, and meaty, and more fishier than what my dad cooks - it was still good and a good meal though. Looking forward to trying again.

So good day trying out new things. Just wish I could have my computer time to relax.

Will maybe do some more drawing tomorrow....listen to relaxation tapes RM gave me... try to get some stuff done on the computer....we shall see. Maybe take a walk although it's very difficult to do so as you need to go down steep hill to get to street and by that point are usually too tired to keep walking on the level street. I don't like unlevel surfaces.

Tuesday I will get my Attune bars, Wednesday my camera. Time is moving slowly!

Will go out again on Tuesday. To town that is .

Thursday I can hopefully play with the camera and Friday take pictures of town with it if I am lucky. I want to try the salmon candy I heard about next time I go in.

I do feel lucky. She has given me so much. In some ways it's everything I've ever wanted. I just wish the things I'm worried about wouldn't cloud my enjoyment of it so much. It's hard to focus on much but the worries. If I really try I can distract myself more or less with things like cooking or the drawing or whatever but it's hard to completely enjoy them.

But I am trying very hard to be grateful for what I've got. Like I said, she's everything I could have ever wished for, and I have never been able to communicate with someone so easily before, I have never had someone who was so open in communications, so honest in every possible way, so skilled at talking about every possible subject in every possible way, so able to meet one at one's level.....so compassionate, full of such joy.....it's like I keep asking myself, is this real?

She liked my salmon tonight which made me feel happy. I wonder if the South Beach fish market will be better.

I just need to be comfortable on the computer though it's the only time of the day where I'm not worrying, for the most part, and where I can feel comfortable.... it's good to do the other stuff cus of variety but I need a few hours on the computer at night to center and ground myself.....especially since no phone.....ARGH.

I think I have done pretty good for not having any phone and limited radio use, like I've told people they're worth giving up for what I have here, to be with someone so wonderful in a place so wonderful, but it's still hard, and losing an important avenue for stress relief and venting.

But I'd rather have this, but I'd rather have it with HEAT. And computer. lol.

It wasn't too cold during the day but gets cold at night.

I'm going to email someone on Craigslist and ask how much they charge for delivery....

Anyway....I will try to focus on the positive. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will be one with heat. Hahahaha.

Kate