Of Salmon, Sand and Sun: Newport, again

So, I have a question for anyone who knows anything about Blogger.

I have set it to private but for 5 or 6 people. The reason is I am afraid of the Liberty debacle happening again - the reason I left Liberty, or had to leave, was because my landlord found my blog and didn't like what was in it one bit. Never mind that all I did was complain about the lack of food in the town and that can hardly construed to be offensive....Never said anything bad about any people, just about the food... Whatever.... He was a small town mind. But even though I have nothing negative to say about anyone here, and am mostly just writing my thoughts about places and experiences and such, I decided to be smart and restrict it to just a few people who I knew liked the blog and regularly commented. That way no one could stumble upon it and cause trouble in any way. It also probably helps that I'm not advertising it on lists and MCS chat rooms like last time, but that's another story .

But the gadget that tells you where people are from is still showing people from states that I don't know people in. So that is telling me that maybe it is not working. I keep seeing MA show up, and I think somewhere in the midwest, and it just showed Eugene, Oregon. Which is iffy because anyone from Oregon except for Tanya could be someone who knows me or someone I know which would probably not be good, again, not that I'm hiding anything, I'm not writing anything I wouldn't want to get out, but I still would like to know who's reading this.

Tanya is far away enough from Eugene that I assume Blogger wouldn't list her as being frm there, but who knows. It seems to list me as being from Illinois - why I have no idea - so maybe the gadget is just wacko.

I have people from let's see, Ontario, southern Oregon, Vermont, (maybe that person is close enough to MA that it reads it as that, but that would seem weird, it never gets the cities exactly right though), Tuscon, Montana, Baltimore, and New Orleans. So anything that is not near those cities, does not belong. I think there's one from the Midwest somewhere too.

Anyway I won't worry too much about it but if anyone knows anything about that, let me know.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

There is a printer going upstairs, it is very noisy. So it will be hard to focus but I will try.

OKAY. Like an hour later. Printer is done. Kate is tired. Time to write now. Chest is bothering me now. I wanted to write when first got home so had energy. But what else is new? I will push thru the fatigue to bring you all the writing I need to get done in order to maintain my sanity, lol.
I wonder why my chest is hurting now. I just ate stuff. Maybe that, who knows? I do like those vegetable crackers thougj.

Okay, FOCUS. I need to start with 2 things, which are mostly reminders to myself.

Today has proven that:

1. No matter how bad you think it is, it will ALWAYS, ALWAYS get better. No matter how bad it seems, it will get better. Change the environment and change the feelings. Be patient while waiting for different environment to change things. Just try to remember that things can better and with an environment change you will be and can be functional again. Just have patience and wait for things to click.

I tell myself that over and over again. The message never sinks in. Everything time I overcome all odds to actually enjoy myself, I write about it, I tell it to myself, I say it loud. It never sticks. The next time I feel bad, I panic all over again - but I keep hoping - if I write it enough times, if I experience it enough, one day it will stick. I wish I wasn't so traumatized from my 3rd apartment experience - if it wasn't for that I could probably believe that I'm not going to be permanently damaged by X, Y, or Z symptom I am having. But then kind of shook me to put it mildly. Whatever....

Anyway. So , today RM had 10:30 appt and lasted till 6:30, which was perfect as I do better with longer days so I have a few hours to relax and ease into the day - when I'm rushed I can't enjoy anything. And getting up at 8:30 was MUCH more favorable than 7, let me tell you - I got out of bed much more easily and was moire awake etc.

Anyway. So got to town at 10:15 or so. Day started off badly as I realized when I stepped out of the van - it was a little humid. For the first time in Newport (but not Siletz) the air felt thick and hard to breathe in. I thought I was screwed, can't walk all over town if I can't breathe. But I set out anyway, had a hell of a time walking down to the Bayfront and then around the Bayfront, chest was hurting and each step felt so heavy and labored, I was not enjoying myself at all and was thinking, what if this is the end of it all? what if the air never gets better, if i stop being able to even walk? I know, I know, I'm the queen of disaster, crisis thinking. I can't seem to stop. Oh well. Anyway, to my credit, I do one thing well, and that is realize the importance of routines and plans: No matter how crappy you feel, if you have a routine to follow, you know what to do and can kind of push yourself thru the motions. Now, even if you still feel crappy at the end of the day you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you got what you wanted done, and in the best case scenario, the activities will distract you from how you're feeling so given enough time you will start to feel good again. The latter is what usually happens, eventually anyway, and I am thankful for that.

So I walked to the boats on one side and then the pier with the salmon restaurant on the other. Sat and watched the boats go by. At 12 I decided to walk back to ice cream pier. (pier with the ice cream shop) as the shop opened at 12. I saw all the people watching the fishermen skin their fish on tables below, which cheered me up a bit and was fun to watch. I decided not to get ice cream as didn't want somethng that sugary that early in the day. My next plan was to go to the state park, but I knew I needed something to eat before I did that. I didnt want candy , but I couldn't go into any of the restaurants. Dilemma as usual!! Plus at noontime they were all full to the brim with people. So I decided I would have to find something edible at the one outdside resteraunt, ie, they have tables and a window where you can order things from outside - my idea of heaven. This town is very MCS friendly in that way - order food outside, doors open everywhere, some shops small enough that you can stand in the doorway and tell the shop-person what you want without even having to go inside. Some of them might give you a dirty look (like the ice cream person by the bay) but others are very helpful and nice (like the woman at the fish market). Most seem helpful and willing, the ditzy 20 something at the ice cream shop today was an exception. Her friend took over for her and asked what I want and came to the door to take my money - see, there are intelligent life forms on this planet.
I mean she was 5 feet from the door - it wasn't really that hard. She didn't have any other customers.

Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, lunch. Yea so I scanned the menu very intently at the streetside food stand. What the hell is fish and chips anyway that I'd like to know.... lol. Most I didn't like.
I asked how the chicken was made and dismissed it as being way too iffy, they were out of crab which seemed safe, so there was only one thing left. The Salmon Sub. Now, I've had a lot of salmon in my life, but it's never been on a sub. Or in any other form than a fillet, or lox. So I'm getting a bit leery of the many things locals like to do to salmon here to make it taste, in my opinion, almost nothing like the salmon I'm used to.

I asked the guy, "Is it baked, grilled, how is it made?"
He said "Neither" and joked with me that it was raw.
Finally he said it was smoked and I said, do you mean like lox?
And he said no, thicker, like tuna (which meant nothing to me)
Finally he showed it to me as I had no idea what kind of mystery meat was used for the sandwhich and I wanted to know before I decided to eat it!
It looked edible so I got it.
It was soooo weird I still can't describe it. It was like, in little pieces. And it tasted kind of slimy and weird. The consistency was kind of slimy. Maybe like uh I don't know. It was just beyond words. It wasn't necessarily bad but it wasn't good either. But hey, at least it was protein and a decent, healthy meal. It did give me energy for hours later so I was glad I'd gotten it. I just wish to hell I could describe it. Salmon should not come in that form, lol.

So then I went to the state park and my Gosh was the view astounding, right before you get there under the bridge the view of the sandbar, the rocks jutting into the ocean, the sand dunes, beach, the little ...... inlet of South Beach jutting out into the water, the boats, the bridge..... all that in one view is just simply astounding, and put me in a good mood.

Walking down to the beach I heard California Girls by the Beach Boys on the radio and thought that was a very appropriate song.

I also heard Let it Be on the beach and several other great Beatles songs.

So, my objective was to walk out to that long rocky whatever you call it that jutted out way into the ocean - what do you call that?

It looked so fun from far away. But when I got there, it was like I was in the middle of a desert sandstorm. Omg! I've never experienced anything like that before. The wind was very strong, something I knew might happen, but what I didn't anticipate was the interaction of the sand and wind - the wind blew the sand in your eyes, stung your face, every which way. I realized as soon as I got on the rocks that it really wasn't safe and started to try to leave immediately, but it wasn't very easy at all. I felt stuck there for a few minutes - the sand wind was so strong as soon as I turned around to go down it struck my face immediately and I was afraid I'd get it into my eyes. I couldn't close my eyes because I needed to be able to see to get down the rocks. A dilemma indeed. Eventually I got down but the sand wind was almost as bad below, going back in the reverse direction, with the wind against me. I hate sand, I hate walking thru sand, I hate the resistance it gives you. That and the resistance from the wind made each step feel like a thousand steps, and I had quite a time getting back. When I finally did get back up, I collapsed into a picnic bench, holding my hand over my heart to feel how fast it was beating, thinking I'd never be able to breathe again, I was so winded. Within a few minutes I felt all right again but man that sucked. I'm so done with sand. I hate walking in sand. Hate it. I love rock beaches but hate sand.

Anyway called a friend for a few minutes and then was off back to town and less windier points.

Stopped at the bayfront ice cream place I had wanted to go before, ice cream was okay - not great but not bad - woman was a bit rude but no matter I got the ice cream - and it gave me energy to walk back.

Whee, I'm getting sleepy now, wish I didn't get sleepy so easily, there is so much to write about. Maybe I need to become a coffee drinker, lol.

Walked up to Oceana instead of back to the office so I could use the bathroom there. Opposite end of that part of town, so took a bit, but easier than going up the street to the office from the BF.

And this is where everything changed.

I sat on the bench outside Oceana when I got there. Didn't plan to, was just going into use the bathroom, but I did. It was beautiful, sunny, the sun was strong there. It felt good. I relaxed. I got into the music. I started singing along. I started enjoying myself. I sat there for around 20 minutes, then thought I was going inside, but it felt good to be outside in that empty parking lot, so much open space around me and so many good songs on the radio. I put my sweatshirt and bag down. I stretched and spun and tried to dance a little, but mostly just moved my body aroudn to feel the warm sunshine and beautiful air on them. And I was able to get lost in the music, for the first time since I got here, properly lost in the music for a good 20-30 minutes or so. Get lost in the music and just be into it and happy and connected to it, and the fresh air and sunshine and beautiful empty parking lot. Empty parking lots often seem to be where I come alive the most often, in the right circumstances I'm guessing, perhaps because on the one hand they suggest so much - a business is nearby, exciting. But the parking lot itself has no pressures, no expectations. If you're at a beach or scenic area, the expectation is to enjoy it. If you're in a parking lot there are no such expectations. But there's open, empty beautiful space, and I tend to feel very free and good when in an outside area with tons of empty space, yet still well defined and having boundaries to that open space - if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway, so Elvis's "In the Ghetto" came on and the last verse I closed my eyes and was able to completely lose myself and shut out everything, just for one verse. One verse but that was good enough to have a taste of that wonderful connected feeling I treasure so much.

I am obviously glad I haven't lost the ability to feel joy and that I was able to finally capture that long elusive feeling I have been seeking for so long. It is elusive as hell and you can't force it; the more you want it the less likely you probably are to get it. But it happens, when you least expect it, and then it is absolutely beautiful.

It only happens it seems when I'm a) not expecting it to (probably because lack of pressure) and when I've had lots of time already in the day to do my thing and to get to the point where I'm convinced myself I'm functional (every day I have to get up and convince myself the world hasn't fallen apart since I last went to sleep, that I am still intact mentally and physically, it's exhausting to say the least), so anyway if I've been out for a few hours and have managed to do enough to be able to relax and be secure in the fact that I have done stuff, then and only then can I start to, sometimes, relax and start to truly enjoy myself. And SOMETIMES, not often but sometimes, I can get lost in the music and wander around someplace in a happy daze.... Sometimes. But it's worth it's weight in gold when it happens and I need to remember this because it's proof that things can change on a dime, for the better.

I must have spent an hour wandering around outside Oceana and then went inside and didn't react hardly at all and spent a good long while looking at every product they carry.... (natural food store) and discovered their cookie aisle which was quite enticing, lol.

When I left there a little after 4 or so, I didn't want to go back to the car yet, even though I'd been out for almost six hours. Didn't feel like it! Add to that I didn't actually know HOW to get back to the office, Haha. So, my feet decided to point me in the direction of the ice cream shop I knew was up the street and a few blocks west. I mostly went because I wanted to see if I remembered how to get there from the one time I went and stumbled upon it accidentally. So I did. It feels so good to know how to get places, how to get around - Bayfront, State Park, Oceana, office, ice cream shop....They all connect to each other. Wander around enough and you'll realize the interconnectedness of it all and how to get from any given place to any other place using a number of routes. Hasn't happened yet completely but it is starting to and that is nice.

Anyway found the ice cream place, an idiot yelled some idioacy at me along the way, always good for a chuckle, but got over it. Expresso ice cream - to die for. Their expresso IC is homemade and so strong and flavorful. Might be best ice cream I have ever had. Not best gelato but IC. Conclusion, that shop is so much better than the one by the bay.

Anyway, so then I was happy to realize I knew how to get back to the office from there, down the street and then to the left a bit, so that made me happy. When I got back to the van at 4:30 I couldn't believe I had been out wandering around for 6 hrs! It sure didn't feel like it.

I rested and called my grandma for half an hour and then talked to my friend N for an hour. I love cell phone reception, and being ablet to t alkto people. 6:30 came really quickly and RM was back in the car. We went back to Oceana to shop, and I got some delicious tasty blueberriesd and raspberries among other things. I love their fruit. And then we went home by 7:30.

So, when the fog rolls back in, when the health stuff starts gtting to me, when I'm feeling frustrated, I just need to remember that all this is possible, that joy and happiness will happen again, and that I just need to figure out a way t obe patient.

Going in tomorrow for short time; afternoon appt at 2 and then going to a place called Otter Rock nearby for an appt that she has there. Then have to wash my clothes, always a challenging task, that will be interesting.

Hopefully I can use these memories to bolster me. Fridat will probably be home need to get writing done and sokme phone calls I hope.

It would be good to go in more as I feel so good there and so crappyhere most of the time but what can ya do we will see.

Okay i am falling asleep I am glad I got to write that :)

Night
Kate