Packing Day 2

The first part of the day went very well- second part awful - Freaking out over clothes now - freaking out - having trouble tolerating the one pair of pants that I can tolerate and have no other tolerable clothes - pray that changes when I get to Oregon - somehow - if I was a praying person I'd pray.
I am listening to Skimbleshanks from CATS to try to relax. Used to love this song. So much.
Packed from 3-5pm. Got everything done. Easily. Didn't even stress over it at all. Never packed so easily in my life or years. First time I've ever packed a day ahead of time and in so little time. Last cross country trip took 5 hrs to pack for because of my worries. This one 2. Why the HELL didn't I quit while I was ahead?
Must not second guess myself.
Must be glad for and honor my decisions.
While it was fun to go out with my friend for a walk I forgot how much effort it takes to go out. I don't know how I forgot but I did. It stressed me out. Disclaimer, I like my friend and I like spending time with him, but there are smells involved in everything, and worries attached to those smells, and I apparently didn't have the energy to keep them out. But much worse than that is that after we walked for 40 minutes, which went by quite quickly, my pants started really bothering me. REALLY BOTHERING ME. They itch so much, it almost hurts to walk in them. So what do I wear on the plane?
I can't wear pants that bother me that much, or can I? Will I stop thinking about them if I am distracted, or will I have nothing to be distracted by?
I don't want to wear my one maybe good pair of pants as I will have nothing clean or comfortable to change into when I get there and I am afraid that will make me panic more than these pants are now.
So the question is basically will I panic less wearing uncomfortable pants but having better pair as backup for Newport, or wearing better pants but then having nothing to wear when I get there, it's a lose lose situation.
ARGH!
I need to go call some airlines.
I need to find a way to relax.
Kate

Packing: Day 1

I had a semi long to do list to do today. Okay, no, it was only four things. But that's long to me.

So far I have a) called the electrical company in Liberty to ask about my outstanding bill b) called shoddy collection agency who was very impatient and rude c) tried to figure just what a collection agency actually does d) dragged my suitcase from under the bed and went thru the items in an attempt to figure out what I would bring and what I wouldn't e) this is the part I should have avoided most likely - had friend come over to drop off clothes she thought I might be able to wear - which I probably won't be able to - nice of her, yes, but in the likelihood the stuff will likely not be wearable.... misguided of me. Oh well. f) Took budget I made last night for my stepmom for next month and put it to into Google spreadsheet form g) revised said spreadsheet for her after she gave me her revisions .....And that's as far as I've gotten.

Pretty good though when you list it all out in that form huh?

Budget is done, suitcase...started.

But what I really have to do tonight is make a list of everything I want to pack.
And, open the 2 remaining packages of clothes MCS friends have sent hoping that there is something I can wear in there. AHH!

And I have to do this without freaking out or stressing out somehow

Oh yeah and have I mentioned the air quality sucks and I can't take a walk? That does NOT HELP MY MOOD.

I might try to take a short one but am afraid it will make me feel worse than if I had not tried to.

I have to not think of it.

Okay....one thing at a time. I will get this stuff all done somehow and maintain my sanity.

I had a really good phone conversation last night. I am really looking forward to going to live with the person I am living with. I enjoy her immensely. She is a very receptive audience to my storytelling, and boy, do I love storytelling. :)

Maybe I should take a 5 minute walk. But then dinner will be ready. So I don't know. Dinner. Yum.

Kate

Looking Back on the Last Three Months

I just made a great collage of pictures of every single place my friend Nate, Rob and I have been in the last three months, along with every good picture I had of the three of us interspersed. It doesn't come up very big here, so if you'd like to see a full screen version, please leave your email in the comments and I'd be happy to send you one!

Otherwise, you get the small version. :)

EDIT: YES! If you click on it, you get the full screen version! Is this awesome, or what? Tell me what you think....if anyone's reading this. Which not many people I don't think are so far, oh well.

Kate

Mackworth Picture and Quick Update

Another picture of me on Mackworth, I love this picture because I look so happy in it.

Update: Today I got up at 9 and left at 10:30 for a noon dr's appt. Early for me! We ended up having to wait a long time, and got there early because my stepmom had an appt before me, so I was there a while. Sat outside to talk to dr for about an hour. She gave me a lot of time, she is so nice. Enjoyed talking to her. Got first sunburn of the season apparently, I was out there so long.

Finally talked to my stepmom about some money issues I had been worrying about and was able to resolve them. I feel better now that I have that out of the way. Or would if I wasn't so busy worrying about anything else, Ha.

Tried my vitamin drink I got in the mail and it helped quite a bit so that is good.

Made chicken and eggs tonight, around 9 instead of late at night like I usually do.

Tomorrow, the weather is supposed to be horrid, and I'm trying to prepare myself for the dreaded humidity. YUCK. Wed, I need to get packing done.

There is a chance I might get to meet someone I only know from the radio and online if she can come later this week, and maybe even another hike with Rob. I think I've almost been more social this week than the entire last three months combined. Weird :)

Only four days, though. That's pretty exciting. For better or for worse, and I am sure for better most likely, my life is going to change.

That's all for now!
Kate

Mental preparation for Oregon: Where I've Come, Where I'm Going

***If you haven't already please scroll down and look at the pictures I have posted in my last post, which I am very proud of. ***

Writing this out so I can first feel proud of what I have already accomplished and second have something concrete to look forward to when I get there, as much as possible.

Things I have done to get ready for this trip:

1. Emailed Melissa. A month of conversation in email and phone.

2. Figured out financial aspect of it.

3. Introduced idea to family and got approval for it.

4. Found out I could get credit on United for flight.

5. Found second person to stay with before first person. Talked to her. Researched how to get there and how to get needs met when there. Made decision if good idea to go there or not.

Debated on best time to leave. Made plans with the people I needed to. Got backup from Portland airport in case of missed connection. Bought airline tickets. Found way from Portland to Newport.

6. Anticipated needs for trip and tried to fill them. Got useable CD player. Food. Newspapers. Called and will call airline about aisle seats. Tried to get clothes even if not successful yet, tried, and will be able to fix this problem when I get there if not before.

7. Said my goodbyes to people here. Got to see both of my high school friends Elysia and Anna, and am thankful for that.

8. Tried as much as possible to mentally prepare and to communicate to people I will be living with everything that needs to be.

*******

Things to Look Forward to in Newport

1. Understanding person to enjoy being with and talking to.
2. New radio stations, both country and oldies. Place to take walks.
3. New city to explore and enjoy.
4. Taking pictures to document new city and life if Puppup sends me his camera like he said.
5. Independence, hope, opportunity, new beginnings
6. Eating and cooking fish
7. Hiking
8. Seeing the Pacific Ocean! Getting to spend a lot of time by it.
Exploring the town.
9. Something new.

Day Out with N and R, and Pictures of Me!

Kate and R on a bench by the wharf in downtown Portland, Maine. The ocean was beautiful to watch, and I kept thinking about how this time next week I will be watching a different ocean, a different wharf, on a different coast..... but by golly it'll be the ocean all the same, and that's what counts! :)


Monument Square, Portland, Maine: My favorite place in the world.

R, Kate, N and friend M.
Kate on the swing at Mackworth Island, Falmouth, Maine.

Kate doing a yoga pose for the camera on the bridge to Mackworth.


Yesterday, I went out with my friend N and R one last time. We went to Mackworth Island and did a short walk around, and also went to the Audobon Society, a nature preserve with trails for walking and lots of birds, or so they say. We then went out to dinner at O'Naturals one last time, walked down to the wharf where all the boats are in downtown Portland, (beautiful), and went to Whole Foods for dessert and some grocery shopping. We also met my friend Eric who was visiting Maine from Washington, DC for dinner. So an eventful day and a good last day in Portland. As a bonus, R even brought his camera, and so I have PICTURES to share! I love pictures, and I didn't have any good ones of myself, so this makes me happy.

Here are some of the best for you to enjoy.

On Friendships, Aspie Communications, and Being Yourself

Today was an interesting mix of good and bad. Good in having a friend come, bad in some environmental ways. But let's focus on the good for now.

This covers a wide variety of topics and thinking, so bear with me. I think I got more focused towards the end, but I'm not deleting anything; I believe in preserving trains of thought in the way they came out (most of the time); it is more authentic and meaningful that way, to me.

My friend Anna came; I hadn't seen her in two years. She is a great friend, the best friend I could hope for, but I was so disturbed by environmental influences and issues it was hard to enjoy her. And of course there was a HUGE adjustment and learning curve to account for since the last time I saw her, I didn't have MCS.

I didn't have MCS. A simple but profound statement. It took her a while I think to get her head around how much I had changed. She didn't say anything (at first) and was very patient with me, but we got to talking about it later and it seemed there was a lot she didn't understand. So I tried to help her understand. We tried to work through some things and come to some agreements and understandings. And let me say that is what I love about her. I love her openness. I love her patience, her understanding, her open mindness, her ability to just be. I love being able to be comfortable with her, more comfortable with her than I have with anyone in my life.
My God, it's like, wow, I don't have to THINK so hard about everything that leaves my mouth. I don't have to analyze it and try to make sure it passes the test of "will it offend will it be appropriate" which I swear to God I can never figure out anyway and half the time don't try. We got into a great, ind depth conversation about friendship, communication, Asperger's and MCS. And she really did try to understand. How many other people can you say that about? When we had disageements or mini arguments we were able to talk it out. How many people would have stayed around to hear me out? To come to an ending point?

I learned some things about myself and AS and communication. But damned if I can remember what they are. (half joking) Damn I just had it. Argument, disagreement, no.... Something about she didnt realize that my facial expressions don't usually match how I'm feeling or what I'm saying. So somehow she thought I was angry at her all afternoon when of course I wasn't. She said she felt a lot better when she realizd. A balance: yes, a balance, I talked about how I still needed adults' advice about some things and could seem needy but I didnt really want people to do everything for me or provide advice about everything, I wanted to be independent, but it was a hard rope to walk, and I seem to have a history of having older adult women want to "save" me and when they can't they withdraw their friendship. It's like their friendship is solely based on what they can to "change" me and that bothers me a LOT. Even if they are really genuinely giving me help I want and need, they're doing it under a context that I couldn't live without it and it's somehow their duty to do it and if they don't see desired results in desired time frame then I'm a "lost cause" and not "worth their energy". I dont want my friendship with ANYONE to be contingent on what they can do for me. I might need some extra help in some areas at some times, and this can make things tricky and a grey area. But I want friends for the same reason everyone wants friends - to communicate with, to enjoy, to have a sense of social connection, to laugh with, to share things with, to have emotionally and intellecutally stimulating conversations. I think my friend also had the idea she needed to "save me," which I had no idea about, and she felt dissapointed that she couldn't. I told her I wanted a friend, not a savior.

We talked a lot about disability and how it was frustrating to see someone's quality of life and abilities go way downhill, but how you needed to respect the person and respect the disabilities - in other words, love the person, dislike the limitations put on by said disabilities, but always appreciate, respect and honor all that said person is doing to overcome the disabilities.

In other words still: since getting MCS 2 yrs ago I have lost a lot of ability to do things. But as I told my friend I need to think about what I still CAN do, I need to figure out a way to work around my limitations, I absolutely need to appreciate what I still have. If I had allowed myself to be devestated by MCS I would not still be here (I pointed to a patch of ground to make my point) I would be six feet under likely.

It doesnt mean I dont still have a TON of worries and that sometimes I do almost feel debilitated by my worries and anxiety - but these things are based on very real things.

Honest to God I'd love some therapy to work out my many issues but I have no access to it right now.
Too damn bad I finally found a therapist who would meet me outside and I have to leave but what can you do.
My biggest barrier is not being able to go in therapists' offices. After that money and transportation.

I tried everything I could to find a phone therapist or one who would meet me outside. And I even succeeded, but only 2 weeks before I am leaving so no good.
I have gone to the traditional drs my parents want me to. They can't help. I'd like to see drs who know about MCS or AS but have no access to money to. Drives me crazy.

I've taken any supplements that I've thought could help.
Currently I am taking:

Omega 3s twice a day (helps a tiny bit)
probiotic granola bars (tried probiotics themselves, didnt seem to help, these taste a lot better) and probiotic juice drinks (both make me feel a little better immediately after but not past that it seems)
evening primrose oil ,helps regulate my cycle
EMP power plus true hope vitamins - long story - company from canada- studies have shown helps with anxiety, bipolar , mental illness. went from one a day to four, they recommend around ten, we'll see. Not sure if working but can't hurt to try.

Anyway I do these things not so much because I'm convinced they'll cure me but because they seem to help a *little* and they also give me hope. So. I'm doing what I can. What more can I do?


Anyway. The day with A started out not so well. My stepmom was going on a cleaning frenzy. It made me SUPER NERVOUS AND AGITATED. Bad, bad. Outside was bothering me. Her car bothered me. There was literally nowhere to go. We sat on the floor in the front entrance. I was so overcome by environmental factors I basically couldnt talk. I thought, wow, this day is going to suck. I am sure she thought the same. I didnt want the day to go by without even being able to talk to her, I hadn't seen her in 2 yrs.

Eventually I went outside again and determined it was tolerable outside and better than inside. Nice and sunny. Air a bit thick though. We sat on the bench on the front porch. Eventually I relaxed and we had some really good, intense and enjoyable conversation. I brought the radio out, we listened to it a bit. We had a snack break. Came back out. Went for a walk about 6. Beautiful, beautiful evening, first time I had gone for a walk without a sweatshirt, THAT was nice, just a t-shirt. Very intense conversation, but it ended up being meaningful so that was good.

People misinterpret me because of my tone of voice and facial expressions and body language. Allllll the time. We talked about that among other things.

A beautiful walk though and convo, just wish I could remember more of it. :)

We went inside for dinner, which we had to wait a while for but well worth waiting for. My parents had company over too so they went all out. We had salmon, potatoes, ribs, and the best ceaser salad I think I've ever had - very lemony and mild with pockets of garlic taste, not too spicy - for dinner. Yum! And looked at some old pictures.

We spent eight hours together somehow, and we didn't even go anywhere. I do believe it's the first time I have spent that long with someone without even going anywhere. I would have never believed it possible. I think I spent the first two hours being miserable and sitting on the floor. Then the next 2 outside talking with her. Then a walk, then an hour or so waiting for dinner. Maybe 90 min by the time we actually had it...and eating, and she went. So....nice to have deep conversations with someone for once, nice to be able to "scratch that emotional itch" I have for deep, intense, meaningful conversations about things that really matter to me. Most people are not into deep and intense conversations and are very, very turned off by them. I was raised, or so I thought, to think very deeply and to examine things and converse about them. I say or so I thought because of late it seems my conversations have really not been appreciated by any members of my family, and that hurts a bit of course. I miss when people used to actually TALK. No one talks anymore. Well, to me, and sometimes they don't seem to talk to each other, but they probably do more than I know.

Anyway. People are scared by someone who is intense, someone who thinks deeply, someone who wants to get into a deep conversation about something.

It is a frustration for Aspies anywhere. The best way to turn off a new friend or casual acquaintance it seems is to say anything meaningful or profound. you gotta care about the latest crap. i dont know - i cant pretend to know what NT 20 somethings talk about. But I know one thing for sure. They do NOT talk about it in the same way I do.

In college my rule for when I wanted to try to "Play the NT game" and try to (painful to remember) fake my way through a conversation with someone I didnt know well, at least when I was lonely and desperate enough to actually want to try to do so and put myself into such a compromising position, (compromosing because even if they talked to me to for 10-20 min it would never turn into anything more, and that hurt always) was "Think of something general that might be of interest to a college population or this particular person. Strip it of all enthusiasm, passion and details. Try to say something without really saying something. Try to say it as if you don't care whether you say it or not."

Sounds pitiful and pointless to me too. But it almost always worked. The few times I could actually modulate my voice and body posture and so on to seem "casual" and seem like I literally did not care about what I was talking about, the person would usually talk to me for a good while. Or at least several minutes, I don't know. As long as I could keep the demeanor up. The SECOND I STARTED CARING, and couldn't keep it up and got to be more of myself, and got to sound the least bit excited about something, the conversation would end. Come to an abrupt halt. See ya later hasta la vista baby. And I would be standing thee thinking 'What the hell did I do wrong? Why again? Why always?'

I was as I said able to deduct a pattern as I laid out above. But what I couldnt figure out and still cant, although luckily now I get to stay away from most college students, is Why the hell are people scared of people who show emotion? Who are knowledegable or passionate about what they talk about?

Why do you have to pretend to be a know nothing to get anyone to listen to you?
I just hate it.

I was raised to believe knowledge and intelligence were good things. Passion and excitement were good things. Enthusiasm was good. Well, I don't know if the last one was true, but wouldn't you rather talk to someone enthusiastic than someone who talks in a can't be bothered monotone? I would. Most of the people I (now) know would.

I seek out people like that now. I seek out over the top people who have enthusiasm and passion in their voice. Who talk with excitement and overt enjoyment about every mundane subject in the universe. I almost never find them, but when I do I enjoy it more than you could possibly imagine. I savor it.

A disporportionate number of these people seem to have ADD or some other mental illness or difference - I wonder why?

Not all of them. Just a lot.

I seek out people who disregard social norms, who say it like it is, who are not put off by my enthusiasm and manner of expressing myself.

I talk in a dramatic manner a lot of the time, my friend said today. I agree. It just seems to be who I am. I don't do it purposely; but it is how I see and feel the world; in a somewhat dramatic fashion. If things are good, I express that fully; if things are bad I also express that fully as well. I see nothing wrong with it, except, well, most people don't expect it or understand it and are frankly often put off by it.

Why don't you change, then, you ask? Well, it's not like changing a pair of socks. You can change a lot of things about yourself, learn to follow social rules you might not have been aware of, learn to be more polite, more considerate of others' feelings, and so on, but changing the basic way your nervous system and emotional cognition center reacts to the world: not so easy. Even, it seems, with drugs. (Prescribed, not illegal!)

Suppress it? Very difficult. Very difficult if not impossible to supress the need to be very verbal about things, to express my feelings, to seek out people to reinforce and identify with my feelings, to seek an emotional connection with people in the only way I know how. And would I want to do it? No. I lose a part of myself, a BIG part of myself, if I do that. If I am going to interact with other people at all, I want it to be genuine. I want it to be meaningful. I want it to count. I want to enter the interaction coming as MYSELF - because otherwise, they're not liking me; they're liking a fabricated version of myself that I can't even reliably replicate. Why bother? My self is all I have; I'm not going to sell out a part of it to make others happy. THAT, I know for sure. Bending to meet others' needs? Fine. Meeting them half way? Fine. But changing the basic way I communicate? Not fine.

Communication is a topic too complex for words. At first my friend was pointing out some problems I had in communication. One is I get very defensive about certain topics and will snap at people without even realizing (to me I'm just having a conversation but apparently my voice will take on a tone percieved to be threatening to others). Sometimes I am aware of this, a lot of times I am I think and if I realize I have snapped at someone I will apologize immediately, but I am beginning to think perhaps it happens a lot more than I realize, and that is scary - as I could be turning people off without even realizing it.

When I feel threatened in any way, either to my routine or my way of doing things or things I need to feel safe and stable, or on some issues at which I am touchy, especially issues where I have failed at something in the past - I do become very defensive and I am extremely sensitive to criticism. So I would like to work at that. But like I said, I am trying to monitor my responses, my tone of voice, and if someone makes a comment that riles me up , check myself and say "Do they really mean offense by this?" and try to consciously make a lighthearted remark in response and change the subject before I get more riled up. Doesn't always work, but I try.

Anyway. I have completely lost my train of thought here. This was not what I intended to write about when I started writing. But I am glad I did. Heaven knows I need more Asperger's related writing on my blog anyway.

Functional versus semantic communication: that is what it all boils down to. I am great, GREAT at functional language. But I suck at semantic language: using nonverbal body language to communicate and understand nuances in communication. And my literalness can get me in trouble more often than I would like. People see my intelligence and assume I couldn't have any communication problems; that I am just being a smart aleck, or acting superior, or much, much worse. My parents included. Anyone else with an AS person in their lives or who is AS have this problem? Reply if so.

Anyway. It's so good to have a friend who is willing to teach me about friendships. Being that she is the first friend I ever had in my life, and the only really close friend I have ever had, it means all the more. Thank you, Anna, for being in my life.

I am also thankful to my friends Nate and Rob, Nate for being such a good listener as I freaked out about several things tonight, and both of them for being so willing to help me out with certain things and pick me up out of their way so that the three of us can do things together. Tomorrow we will go hiking somewhere again and have dinner out - my last time with them before I leave Maine for Oregon!

I'll miss them but I say GOOD RIDDANCE to Maine or at least my living situation in Maine with my parents which is just bad beyond belief.

Which brings to the topic I WAS going to write about. Going to Bend. I was and still am to some degree freaking out about things. Not about going to Oregon. About surviving for seven more days here.

Stepmom went on cleaning frenzy like I said; smells in my room were intolerable afer she came in, although what she did I don't know other than vacuum. Opening windows made it worse - they had a fire going. I was practically inconsolable earlier because the smells were bothering me so much. Rest of house too although better than earlier. I have seven days left. I am scared way beyond what I should be that the next seven days will not be tolerable. PLEASE GOD let me get trhough them with some amount of grace and bravery and grit, meddle, , calmness, whatever the adjective, please just let me survive with my sanity and pride intact.

I need to not worry about smell. I was functional enough to write this. I should be functional enough to survive another week. Smell will I hope be better tomorrow.

Maybe will be able to relax w/ Nate and Rob and be calm enough to be able to deal with house when I get home.

I just pray I am able to be calm and survive. I pray the physical things in this house won't get worse. I pray for no more fights. No more tension. No more feeling like I want to die (figuratively) because of the tension, the worry, the reactions to smells.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Good news: Rob said he might trade Discmans with me. It would solve a major problem for me because I need an outgassed Discman to take on the plane. My new one is too smelly. He has an old one.

So if that problem is solved than most of my travel related problems will be solved. I will have music, newspapers (more or less), food. I will start to pack or think about packing Tuesday. First need to unpack suitcase from 3 months ago lol. Then make list of things I really need and want to take. Figure out how it will all fit.
Shouldnt be hard. Thought it would be simple in Missoula though and it took ages so will start early. Am a tiny bit more relaxed than in Missoula because I've done this cross country move on an airplane thing once already thank God for that.

Clothes still a problem but am trusting my friends in Oregon can help me with that.
I am still worried, you know, that things could fall apart. Not with my OR plans, but with me in the next week.

So I need to be strong. I need to be calm. I need to reject all negativity. I had a friend Lisa who I should call sometime as I miss her, who once told me "Your ears are not trash receptacles."

I should remember that. Everytime someone tries to put me down for needing to do something differently, I will remember that. I have value the way I am. I deserve to be treated with respect. That is non-negotiable.

I would just love to find a community of friends in the disability community who would be accepting of my differences , who I could find acceptance and friendship and camaradie with. I love reading people's blogs for that reason. It gives me an "in" to other people's lives. A feeling of emotional connection without even being there.

But I hope someday, that will be translated to real life, too.

I hope maybe this move to Oregon could solve some of those problems, could be answer. I know it will be work to make it work. I just hope both myself and K and M who I am moving in with are up to it. We have all made committments to put effort into trying. So all we can do is wait and see. Hope for me, please.

And now I have to go to bed. Almost 3am. I will try to get up with my head held high tomorrow and promoise to fight - fight through the anxiety, the worry, and the negativity. Have fun with my friends. Take it one minute at atime.

I am learning how to bend, you might say. Hahahaha. :) Got to get that title in here somewhere.

Goodnight
Kate

Adventures in Budgeting

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately with my upcoming move to Bend and other parts of Oregon is my need to learn how to budget better and stick to a consistent and much cheaper weekly grocery shopping regimen.

Today, externally motivated by the fact that I had exactly $67 left in my checking account, I made a master plan of how to accomplish all I needed to do today with that amount! Usually, I do not think too much about how what I want to do fits into what I should be spending, other than to make sure it fits into a "ballpark" figure, the ballpark figure often being of course sometimes quite a bit off. Never off so I run out of money, but off enough that I should have perhaps been saving that money. So, I was quite proud of myself for thinking ahead this time.

I figured out that the therapist I saw this afternoon would cost $11 for a copay. Then I would want some applesauce as a snack from O'naturals, which would cost $2.50. Then I figured I'd want some other kind of small but tasty snack to give me energy while I was wandering around Portland, and figured a few dollars, exact amount to be determined, for that. That left me with the groceries. I had *exactly* $50 to spend and not a penny more. As much as I have been trying to get them down, my shopping trips are usually about twice that much (it's Whole Foods, you can see why) but this time I was determined to both get what I needed and not spend a penny over $50. And if I could spend less, that would give me more money for a snack when I got there, I thought.

So, instead of blindly grabbing as many bananas as I felt like off the shelf and cushioning it generously in case I ran out (I would sometimes get as many as 30), I counted exactly how much I would need in the four days until the next time I would have a chance to go grocery shopping: three a day and one for breakfast the fifth day. 13. I threw in 3 for good measure, but hey, that's better than 15, right? And then I weighed them to try to see how much they would cost. It was 5.5 lbs. Trying to multiply that by 1.25 in my head proved a little difficult, so I was probably off by a few dollars, but I tried.

Then I figured out how many apples I needed. I already had a few left at home, and this was a shopping trip for only half a week instead of a week, so I realized I didn't need many. I figured I needed one a night for four days as well as two for breakfast. I thought I had one or two at home. So I got five. Later, I came and put one back and exchanged two for a less expensive kind that I still liked (2.50 for Fujis and only 2 for Braeburns) in an attempt to save a couple more dollars.

Then I got only exactly the number of Attune probiotic granola)bars ($12) I needed, instead of buying two boxes (which I usually do need, but not this time). I bought 8. Then I got some Odwalla ($9), some lettuce ($3.50) and a bottle of dried oregano ($4.50) I had been coveting since I had run out several days ago. Oh, the beauty of those flakes! I think a bottle only lasted me about two weeks, or maybe less. Maybe I should use less oregano. I like to put it on my chicken and especially in my salad. Yum! I even like to have a banana rolled in oregano. You can't go wrong using this spice.

Oh, and I also got a container of cut fresh watermelon, since I think watermelon is absolutely to die for and ever since I had the delight of discovering that they carry this on a regular basis and unlike traditional grocery stores, IT ALWAYS TASTES GOOD (fresh and not preserved or old), I have been getting it every week and having it with breakfast. It definitely makes me feel better - my mind seems more alert and more able to think after eating watermelon. I looked at the prices on the bottles and chose the smallest one, which was about $4.20.

I had to pass on the strawberries, which I love to death but did not fit into my budget. Strawberries are probably my favorite tasting fruit when they're good, but they're often not, and they don't fill you up as much as apples and bananas, nor do they have the positive cognitive effects of watermelon, so of the four kinds of fruit I like, I chose to leave this one out for the sake of my budget.
Actually, I couldn't resist putting it in my cart just in case I had enough after all, but was fully aware I'd most likely have to put it back at the register.

Then I was done! Except I was coveting some soup. Some nice, hot soup, some chicken soup with real chicken pieces, something healthy that would be such a great pick me up and so tasty and salty and yummy.... But I did the math in my head three times; as far as I could tell the total came to around 48 or so and then there would be tax. So that's when I decided to get less expensive apples and hope that maybe after I went through the register I'd still have enough left over for a $3 cup of soup. Mmmmm.

I chose a friendly looking cashier (most of them are), and started the checkout process, paying close attention to how much the fruit rang up as. The bananas were about $6.70, I believe, and the apples surprised me by being only about $4.25 (1 lb at 2.50 for the Fujis and just under a lb at about 1.75 for the $2/lb Braeburns), so that was around $11 for the (bulk) fruit, which wasn't bad at all. The grand total was only about $43! And that was WITH tax! I was shocked. And very pleased. I thought it would be just under $50. So I tried to think if I had enough even for my beloved strawberries, which were sitting in the cart so lonely looking at me, and a cup of soup as well. It turned out I was about fifty cents short - I was about 6.50 under 50. So, the friendly cashier suggested I take a couple bananas out, and even patiently waited while I went through my head again to figure out how many bananas I needed for the rest of the week and concluded I could take two out. That bought me 80 more cents, almost exactly for my soup AND the strawberries. The total came to be $49.85. I left feeling extremely satisfied and good about myself. I had achieved my goal of spending not a cent over $50 and really thinking about what I bought, while still buying everything that I needed. And I even got soup on top of it. The soup was really good. :)

The grand total for the day came to about $67.30, and I had $67.76 left. Not bad! Not bad at all! I stayed exactly within my limits while still making the most of it.

And, to boot, I even HAD more money in my account, but it was spoken for with checks I had written someone, so I even remembered to subtract that from what I had and resist the temptation to think "Well, maybe they won't cash them for a few days" and not go over my limit.

So, that is my adventure in budgeting for today! Who knew - whoever knew - that watching what you bought and staying within a budget could be more satisfying, intellectually at least, than just buying whatever you felt like without paying attention? Freedom has its price, literally. Watching what you buy: a smarter idea, and one that will become quite necessary when I move to Oregon.

I should reward myself for staying within my budget each time I shop, ha. As long as the reward doesnt cost money!

ALSO: HOT TIP: How to make the most of an ice cream shop when you don't feel like getting ice cream, for UNDER TWO BUCKS!

Budget Treat of the Day: get a waffle cone at Cold Stone Creamery, get a dish of hot fudge, and dip pieces of broken off waffle cone into the rich, creamy hot fudge. Waffle cone fondue! For only $1.20 too: sixty cents for each piece.

I didn't actually do that to save money, I did it because I didn't feel like ice cream but wanted something sweet and crunchy, and that definitely qualified. But even if I had gotten ice cream, the kid's dish is either 1.99 or 2.50 I believe, so it wouldn't have been much more (and I would have adjusted the amount I spent later of course.)

So, yeah, some apple sauce, Waffle Cone Fondue, and some soup, not bad for inexpensive and *mostly* healthy snacks for an afternoon in Portland!

I have to go now, though. I have some strawberries to eat. And some apples and bananas and.... :)

Kate

Learning How To Bend: Welcome

Welcome to the revamping of my blog, to those of you who are old readers. Thank you very much for coming back! This blog used to have a different name and subject, but I changed it in order to reflect the start of a new stage of my life. I am moving to Bend, Oregon. At first, I thought I would make an entirely new blog based on this venture, but after doing so, I couldn't get the formatting quite like I wanted it, and realized that I could just change the URL on this one, and update a few things, like the title, description, and so on, and VOILA! You have a brand new blog! The new URL also keeps certain people who had discovered this blog in my previous living location and expressed negative opinions about it from continuing to read it. So update your bookmarks!
Changing just the URL also allows me to keep all of the old entries, from my time in Liberty, which was what this blog was about previously, to my three months in Maine at my parents' house in between living opportunities, to the promise of a new adventure and a new start in Bend, Oregon. (And Newport, Oregon for a month before that.)

So, voila life! Celebrate the flow and continuity of life, as it moves on, and meanders, first here and then there, every which way, much like the picture of the river in my title. (Which is an actual picture taken from Bend, by the way. The Deschutes River.)

May my life story meander further in a direction in which is more pleasing, enjoyable, and adaptable than in the months and years previously. We can only wait and see, and hope.

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This is the first entry I posted when I first made my new Bend blog.

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Welcome, Welcome, come one, come all to the grand debut of Learning How to Bend!

As soon as I figure out how to fix all the colors and settings, it'll be much prettier. :) I did it with my first blog but I can't seem to find the same setting for this one. Oh well - the words and ideas are obviously much more important than how it looks!

Learning How to Bend is an idea that has been kicking around in my head for about six weeks. Finally, tonight, I decided it was time for its inception. Its birth. Its start in the world.

About six weeks ago, I saw an ad on MCS Safe Shelter, a list for people who have chemical sensitivities, for a woman in Bend, Oregon who wanted a roommate. Housing is a huge problem for people with MCS (multiple chemical sensitivity), and there are very few safe places to go. I have moved all around the country in the last two years - most of the New England states, Montana, New York - looking for a place to live that is safe for me. Because I react to so many substances and to so many things, I can't tolerate most, or just about all, of the apartments that are on the market (especially in my price range!). Finding a stable living situation has been my goal for the last 2 years. And despite trying valiantly, it is one that has consistently eluded me, causing, as I am sure you can imagine, no end of frustration and trauma.

But, when one thing doesn't work, you have to just pick yourself up and move on, somehow. Wasn't there a Jo Dee Messina song called "No Time for Tears?" Maybe I'm imagining that. Anyway, tears are okay as long as you keep moving, keep thinking, and keep trying to find situations that will work.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the ad on MCS Safe Shelter. I was shocked, shocked I tell you!, because in two years of reading this list, I do believe it's the first actual ad for housing available that I have ever seen, despite the fact that offering housing to people with MCS in need is the very function of the list. Usually, people post saying that they need housing, but no one ever posts offering.

So, when I saw the ad, I was more than a little bit skeptical, (that I was really reading such a thing, that it had any chance of working), and definitely more than a bit hyper (it was in an area of the country I actually wanted to live in, and was in my price range), and had very mixed emotions as I sent off an email query to the email address listed. I got a reply almost immediately, however, and my hopes began to go up. It was like being on a roller coaster, wondering "Will this work? Will this not?"

After a few weeks of very intense emails back and forth between the woman with MCS who is renting the room (I will not be naming this person by name or giving much information about her, but for background information, it is a middle aged woman with a four bedroom house who has knowledge about both of the disabilities that I have, Asperger's Syndrome and MCS), I decided that the woman and I seemed to get along pretty well, that there no major reasons why I shouldn't try this, and that I wanted to give it a go. Plane fare from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon is actually cheap for a one way ticket, and I had a credit on United anyway.
After two years of moving, I have very few belongings left, so it's not hard for me to move my stuff. It's just a matter of getting on a plane, crossing your fingers, and trying as hard as you possibly can to be in the right mindset so that you can deal with all the new stuff coming your way!

Anyway, perhaps I will expand on that later, but that is the story in a nutshell. After deciding I wanted to give it a go, we spent several more weeks trying to figure out a date. Like I said, I live in Maine right now, so it's no easy trip to get there; it's certainly doable with some planning, but it does require planning. To make another long story short, I found yet another MCS woman to stay with on the coast of Oregon (Bend is in the central part of the state) for a month, because my friend in Bend needed some extra time to get her house and herself ready, and I needed to get out my house as soon as possible due to some tension and issues I am having living with my parents. (Parents mean well, certainly, but living with them even when you're healthy is hard for anyone; living with them when you have multiple disabilities that cause tension in the house is almost impossible.)

So, anyway, to summarize this story, about seven weeks after I met this woman, everything is set and planned and I am just so thankful to finally have a plan of action and something to look forward to.

As of Sunday, I have finally made airline tickets. It is official. I am leaving on

Saturday, May 2, 2009, at 10:46 am.

Anyway, I decided that because it is now official and I have plane tickets to leave in about two weeks, this would be a very good time to start the blog I have been thinking about for so long. I am hoping it will give me encouragement and motivation to do the best I can in the two remaining rather difficult weeks I have left.

It will make everything seem more real, I hope, and give me a place to think over things.

When I began to think about moving to Bend, one of the first things I thought was "Oh, MAN, do I have a good idea for a blog about that!"

One of my favorite songs at the time was Gary Allan's country song "Learning How to Bend."
Lyrics here:
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/allan-gary/learning-how-to-bend-22953.html

So, I thought to myself: Ha! The name is three fold:

Learning How to Bend: definition.

1. Learning How to Bend signifies learning how to grow emotionally, physically, and in whatever other way I can. It's about learning how to become more flexible mentally, how to be more okay with changes in my life, with stress, with problems. It's about learning how to take the lemons and make lemonade out of them, to be totally cliched. I want to heal myself. I want to be a better person. These things cannot come overnight or just by wishing them. But hopefully, they can and will come through experience, through pushing yourself just a bit, through going out of your comfort zone to try something new that just might work. That is what Learning How to Bend means to me.

2. The country song.

3. Obviously, Bend is the name of the place I am going.

Yes. So. There are a lot of obstacles I have to overcome between now and when I go. There are many things I have to do to get ready (well, actually, only a couple, but they are exceedingly difficult and as of yet there is no clear way to actually do them, other to hope and keep trying). And I am having a lot of problems with morale, health, and worrying. Today was a particularly bad day. That caused a lot of worrying and dysfunction. SO. I am going to say to myself: Think positive. Think Oregon. Think of all the wonderful things that will happen when you get there. Think of the opportunities. Think of the possibilities. Believe it will happen, and that you can move forward.

I would write more, but I have to make some chicken before I go to bed. I am trying to go to bed earlier than I normally would for the sake of keeping peace in this house, several hours earlier, so that means I have to condense my nighttime activities into much less time. Oh well. It's worth it if it keeps the peace. I kind of feel like this post is like Swiss cheese, though: too many holes, too much stuff left out. But the basic info and the spirit is there. So, I have to go make my chicken. And I will try to be inspired by the creation of this blog and the beginning of a new journey, which may be hard at many times, but will be ultimately worth doing. I will learn new things, I will have new experiences, it is something worth working hard to get to.

I will probably post old relevant entries from my other blog here at some point.

Here's to Bend! :)

Kate

The Windham Mountain Division Trail!

The Windham Mountain Division Trail

I asked my friend N what he wanted to do this weekend, and he said, "Go for a hike somewhere close to your house." Well, that stumped me, because I wasn't aware of any hiking available close to our house. So I asked my stepmom and she gave us a great suggestion. It's called the "Mountain Division Trail." It connects Windham, Standish and Gorham. You live for years and the things you still don't know about it, can be astounding!

I didn't know what to expect at all; I was expecting some solitary trail in the woods where you had to watch how far you walked and turn around to walk back since it wasn't supposed to be a looping trail.

We decided to take the Windham entrance instead of the Standish one, because we thought we'd stop at the bakery first for a treat. Also, we had no idea whatsoever how to get to the Windham trail, and after half an hour of trying to Mapquest to figure it out, we figured getting some sweets and directions at the bakery seemed like a great plan. And so it was. We each had a HUGE chocolate chip cookie with whole Hersheys kisses in it, and shared an apple crisp. It was so sunny and beautiful out, I started walking around the large parking lot and just wanted to stay there. The sun was shining, I was able to wear a T-shirt for the first time all winter, and it made me feel great.
It made me want to dance. It made me feel so blessedly free and unencumbered. What a treat. "I hope it's this sunny and nice at the trail," I said to my friend N as we got back in the car. "I hope so too," he said, "I want some sun." We hoped the trees wouldn't keep out the sun.

When we found it, which was surprisingly easy to do, we got out of the car and started walking. The first thing we found was a river (I think), and we ran towards to it, and sat on a log and enjoyed the beautiful spot we had found for a few minutes. The sun was sparkling on the water. Then, not having any idea what we would find, we headed in the direction of where we thought the trail was. Railroad tracks! Nothing but railroad tracks! What a pleasant surprise! I was delighted and immediately thought of Vermont and Montana, both of which had more than their fare share of railroad tracks to play on. Vermont especially, I used to play on abandonded sections of railroad tracks all the time, seeing how far I could balance and making little games out of it. The railroad tracks were one of my favorite things about Burlington. In Missoula, they had them too, but they weren't as easy to balance on or as plentiful as in Vermont. Such fun to see railroad tracks again, and to realize the whole path must be built around them. Everywhere I've gone I've heard of plans to take old railroad tracks and turn them into paths, connecting different cities to each other and make a commuter path, but I've never seen it in reality -I've never seen a completed vision, only heard the ideas. And always thought it was a great idea. Liberty, I believe, there was much talk of this.

This path went from Windham to Gorham to Standish. But the plan was to make it go all the way to the New Hampshire border at Fryeburg, and especially to connect it to Portland. The state is still planning to do those things eventually, it seems, but right now only these three towns - the towns closest to us for once! - are done.

So I dropped my sweatshirt, which I was carrying, and immediately got to the business of seeing how long I could walk on the tracks without falling off. It felt so good to be balancing - the focus required to use your body in that way, and the brain activity required to balance, is a great sensory activity that seems to center everything and make you feel calmer in mind, body and spirit. And what heaven to have miles and miles to do it on! However, I got tired of it after a bit, (my record being 100 steps taken without falling), and so we continued on our way, on the ground. The sun was shining just as brilliantly as it had been in the parking lot, and that was beautiful, and made me feel good as well. Eventually, we got a little tired of the monotony of walking on the tracks and the sun got a bit too hot. The sign said we had gone three quarters of a mile, but it didn't seem that long.

I wanted to know if the sign was right and how we knew when we should turn back, so I asked a couple that was walking by us. They told us all sorts of things about the trail, mostly that if you went to the left (there was a dirt path of some sort on one side of us), it would take us to a trail by the river and go in the direction of Gorham, and that there used to be a gun powder factory there, and all sorts of things that I couldn't quite comprehend because he was talking fast. We thanked them for all their advice and ideas and decided to see what happened if we went that way, because the railroad was getting a bit boring.

So we walked on the nice dirt path, happy to be in the shade away from the hot sun. In about three minutes, we came upon a small parking lot, with some athletic fields to one side. I was dissapointed and thought we had reached the end of the trail and maybe the couple had been wrong. But my friend pointed out that the trail continued at the other side of the parking lot. So on we went. The trail was nice and shaded with lots of trees, and resembled more like a typical hiking trail, for which we were glad after the hot sun and monotony of the at-first interesting railroad tracks. There was more water, I believe, which was pretty; a river of some sort. But then we got to the end of THAT trail way too quickly, with a road with people walking down it, and we assumed at first it was the end and we had to go back to the car, far before we were ready. And then we noticed once again that it continued beyond the road, so we said, why not? Let's see where it goes. There was a sign that said "Penobscot Bay Trail."

We felt very adventurous at this point, since we had no idea where we were going or where we would end up. I said it was like the "Energizer Bunny" trail, it just wouldn't quit. I also sang "Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat" while we were on the railroad tracks, and was surprised at how much I remembered. It was the only railroad song I could think of besides "City of New Orleans." "Good morning America, how are you....."
The trail at this point narrowed quite considerably, making it feel even more exotic and Secret Garden-ish, but also making it a bit uncomfortable, as I prefer wider trails. It did however increase the feeling that we were going somewhere special. At one point, we found what I assume were the remains of the gun powder factory the man had told us about. They were pretty cool. We kept walking, but then the trail abruptly stopped - almost like as if it was a cliff. There was a gully, a ditch, whatever you want to call it, between us. We realized we could go down and up and keep going, so we did - about four times of these gaps. Then, just as we thought we had hit a dead end,
the trail changed once again! It was exciting because we had had such a variety of terrains in one day, we never knew what was going to come next. That kept us excited and interested, unlike most hiking trails where you have one terrain the whole way.

The next terrain was a field of some sorts; the sun peeked out once again and pounded down on us, a welcome relief. The field reminded me of Montana, for some reason. Maybe because I often walked through fields to get to hiking areas in Montana. There were power lines nearby. This area only lasted a very short time before the other trail picked up again. At this point, we were getting awfully tired and aware we still had to walk the whole way back, so we decided to cut it short and go back. And those gulleys were a lot harder to navigate on the way back! But we made it, and enjoyed it. Sunshine alternating with shade, roads and dirt paths alternating with leaves and roots, water alternating with shore, what more could you want? I forgot to say the narrow part was completely covered with leaves that crunched loudly as we walked - as if it was fall and not spring, as if said leaves hadn't just been buried under several inches of snow just a few weeks ago. When we finally got back to the sign and the parking lot - a loop, after all, how we managed to do a loop despite basically having no idea where we were going, I don't know, we were lucky - looking back, it was just what the guy on the railroad tracks told us to do, but since what he said didn't make a lot of sense at the time, we had no idea we were actually *doing* it. When we got back, though, we had clocked in at about 90 minutes, a very respectable walk. According to the sign, which I can't find a duplication of, we had walked from the Windham entrance, all the way around as far as the trail went, and down, on the Penobscot Bay Trail. When we got back to the Windham trailhead parking lot, there was a different map that didn't show where we went, though.

All in all, a very enjoyable afternoon, surprisingly so. We were able to experience the joy of discovery and curiousity together, as a mutual experience, and the experience of sharing our wonder at the ever changing natural habitat around us was a great one. I think this is my second favorite of our outdoor adventures we've been on, Bradbury being the first.
We've done Bradbury, Sebago Lake State Park, Wolfe's Neck, Mackworth Island and now this, Windham Mountain Division Trail, kind of a wordy name. Next week we might go on the Back Bay Trail, which is a three mile trail that loops around the ocean in downtown Portland. Nice to be able to experience so many of Maine's natural wonders in the last six weeks that I am in Maine, to really do it up and get something out of this wonderful habitat that we live in before I go off to Oregon. I am sure there will be interesting areas to explore and nice hiking trails there as well; the geography will be different, certainly, but that will make it all the more interesting. Two weeks untiI I go there!

Thanks for a fun afternoon to my friend N!

Mackworth Island, Maine.... + Future plans in Oregon

Mackworth Island, Falmouth, Maine

Wow, this swinging bench was so pretty. It was kind of like heaven, to be sitting and swinging and having ALL of Casco Bay, at least all you could see in any direction, laying out there right in front of you. We could see all the way to South Portland from there, we could see Fort Gorgess (sp?), we could even see the lighthouse in SMCC, all the way from a small island in Falmouth. The sun was sparkling on the water. It was a great place to sit, both my friend N and I were way too antsy to sit for long, so we went on with our walk! Beautiful level ground hike through about 1.25 mile loop with interesting things to see along the way, such as homes for fairies built out of sticks and even what was apparently a pet cemetary. Okay, that was kind of weird. 50 degrees and sunny, but a bit windy. Tired by end, but definitely nice to be in nature for a little. Celebrated with a chocolate chip cookie after, found out O'Naturals in Falmouth has decided to stop selling bottled water because it's not "sustainable." That may be, but is it stopping them from selling other bottled drinks in plastic? Don't you think they should take the ethic storewide? If indeed that is what they mean by sustainable? Anyway considering they charge 2.25 for their bottle water and it usually tastes like crap, (sorry, O'Naturals, but it does), I'm surprised any store would let go of a cash cow that big. I guess I should be congratulating them, but I really did want some water I could take with me. I ended up getting it for much cheaper at Whole Foods for 99 cents....wait a minute, did I just say I got something for cheaper at Whole Foods? Haha, oxymoron, I must be dreaming.

I had the worst creme brulee I have ever had in my life - omg, it had the consistency of soup, and the ratios of cream, sugar, caramel etc were as if a 2 yr old had mixed them together - the most awful taste I have tasted in a good long while - this did NOT resemble a creme brulee in any shape or form. So, again, we gave up and went to Whole Foods. Where incidentally, they sell a really good creme brulee for half the price. Um, wait a minute, I just said WF sold something for cheap again. Either all that sugar went to my head, or Portland's becoming more of a yuppie town than I thought if their prices are higher than Whole Foods...lol.

Oh, yes, and did I mention Whole Foods had no bananas tonight? I have not been able to get the phrase "Yes, We Have No Bananas" from the play from the 30s when the whole world ran out of bananas cus they all died which could happen again by the way in 5 or 10 yrs.... but it's a bit early to be running out of bananas. Three of the biggest grocery stores in southern Maine had NO BANANAS today. Being that I eat on average 20-30 bananas a week, every week, this was of great concern to me.

However, they did have strawberries, so score for that.

Their microwaveable chocolate souffle, however, while delicious, did NOT agree with my stomach.

I am beginning to realize I need to exercise just a tiny bit more restraint when it comes to shopping at Whole Foods. I thought I was doing okay, and I am restraining myself from most extras, it's just my normal staples are costing a bit too much.

By the way, I'm moving to Oregon. Feel free to celebrate with me, offer encouragement, or tell me how to pronounce Oregon, one or the other. I found an MCS person to live with. I am first going to Newport, on the coast, and then to Bend, in the central part of the state. I leave May 2. I just made plane tickets lasrt night. WISH ME LUCK!!!!

And if you know any contacts for me in either of those areas. ..... let me know!!

I hope to resume regular blogging when I get there or perhaps even before. If I could manage it before, maybe it would help my motivation and spirits. I have a feeling I am going to be experiencing extreme anxiety as I wait these last few weeks out wondering what will happen. I am actually very little concerned about what will happen when I get there, although I might be when it gets closer. I am however VERY concerned about the stability of both my mental and physical health, both of which I have been having issues with, in the three weeks before I get there. So I will need all the support I can get. And I have a few problems that need solving first that I swear loom bigger and bigger everyday.

But I am going to make a to do list and try to keep myself sane. Resolutions: I will NOT worry about my health issues, more than absolutely necessary. I will remember that most or all symptoms are temporary. I will close my mind and visualize how awesome Oregon will be. I will have patience. I will have calmness. I will believe I can survive everything that I need to in order to get to Oregon. I will believe that I can be resourceful enough to solve all the problems that will come my way, both before, during, and after arriving there.

I hope. :)

Now I have to go write some blurbs about cities. I got a temporary writing job from an online company doing so and tonight is the first night. Hhmmmmmm we'll see how this goes.

Until next time...

Kate