Aspie Communication: On Emotions and Understanding

I just realized something rather interesting.

I was thinking more about RM and the way she communicates with me and everyone else in the world. (She does the same on the phone and etc so it's not just special for me as far as I can tell.) And I realized something.

It clicked when she said something like "Just so you know, you probably shouldn't leave the chicken out for too long," telling me I should put the chicken we just bought away.

Once again, I noted the way in which she said it. She takes such care to say *everything* in such a non-offensive, friendly way. Adding the "Just so you know" or "I thought I should tell you that" or whatever it is before telling me something she wants me to do makes it again sound less like a demand or something one should be resentful for and more like just.... what it is. No drama, just... I don't know....respect?

Similarly, I realized fully for the first time how her style of communication satisfies every emotional need I have ever had in every way I ever dreamed of someone communicating - and how that completely changes the way *I* communicate with her, and my personality in doing so - for the better.

I have a tendency it seems to get angry, annoyed, irritated, whatever at people awfully fast. Faster than I would like. People just often drive me crazy. The communication gap has always seemed too wide - I just could never quite get what they were saying, and I always seemed to reply to what they said in a way that angered them, for reasons I could never quite understand. To make it simple: other people angered me and I couldn't understand what they were trying to say; I angered them and they couldn't figure out what I meant to say. An impasse.

There are two chief reasons that just about every person in the world drives me insane.
They both stem from the Aspie lack of ability to understand and interpret nuance, especially nonverbal nuance or language in communications; to interpret intent; to read other people's desires or feelings without verbal language.

One is emotions. People are never emotional enough for me. That is, they do not show their emotions and feelings in verbal ways, or they do not show them in ways I can interpret nonverbally. I am a very emotional person who has a strong need to have my emotions validated and acknowledged by others. If I am communicating with someone and I tell a story, it's the emotional part of it that matters to me, not the practical part. I get very, very frustrated by people who do not respond to or acknowledge the emotions that I express. If I am sad, hurt, or otherwise seeking comfort, I have had a VERY VERY hard time with not being able to understand that other people might feel bad for me and have empathy or sympathy, but they refuse to show it. In other words, I can't tell someone else is acknowledging my emotions. nonverbally, or in an implicit (previously understood) way.
And so I keep on feeling isolated, miserable, and so on, only 10 times worse because I think the person doesn't care, is snubbing me ,a nd so on.

The second is understanding.
Many times I have said to people I am close to, when having a discussion about any of a variety of topics, if you would just say " I understand, BUT..." and then say what you're saying, I would be fine and the discussion would proceed normally. But if I say something and the other person doesn't acknowledge it and just follows with a statement that completely disagrees with what I just said, I will often go crazy. I will start yelling or crying - it feels like I have just been completely misunderstood and what I said disregarded. I don't understand that them understanding what I said is supposed to be implicit. I can't know if they understood me unless they say so. And I cannot tolerate being misunderstood. Emotionally it plunges me into despair.
It is just one of those triggers. I had a childhood with a speech impediment and a social development disorder - therefore I grew up used to people not physically understanding what I was saying, and definitely used to people not emotionally understanding what I was saying. Add this to my theory of mind problems with Asperger's - I don't know what other people understand or know, I only know what is in my own mind - and I have NEVER taken someone understanding what I am saying for granted. Therefore, I really need people to interject those extra few words to acknowledge what I said - about any issue , really - before responding to it. If they don't, the vast majority of the time, I get very angry, upset or frustrated, as much as I try not to. This has led to trying to avoid a lot of communications due to this problem.

When I think back on it I think nearly all of my communication difficulties or tension with people, at least people I know well rather than just casual acquaintances, was due to this simple tenet: I tend to get very defensive very quickly, and I tend to be somewhat quick to anger if I think someone is not understanding what I am saying, or misinterpreting what I'm saying, or making incorrect statements about me. Part of that anger stems from the enormous amount of resentment I am carrying around from spending almost an entire lifetime being misunderstood, of being lonely, of not having anyone who I felt understood who I was. And of not being able to understand what they feel either. It is a feeling of being cut off from other people and the world that is quite unpleasant. And so when the inevitable miscommunication occurs, it reminds me of this, this bitterness, this resentment, and that makes me angry. Therefore my response to the person who made the gaffe might be or quite often will be out of porportion to what they actually sad or did. This is not something I like or am proud of but I am starting to realize why things happen the way they do.

It is possible that my tone of voice or attitude could be construed as a lot more negative, irritable and offensive than I ever realized it was, just because I'm in this constant state of frustration, anger and fear because I feel like no one ever is understanding the things I feel it is essential for them to understand - or the more likely scenario of they understand it fine but are not able to communicate that understanding in a way that I can pick up on. So they get hurt or offended that I didn't pick up on their positive, caring vibes and got offended instead; i get hurt and offended by interpreting the message wrong and thinkign they don't care or understand. It's a negative cycle to be sure.

This doesn't happen with EVERY single interaction, and rarely with strangers, but does a lot with people I know.

The reason I bring this up:

I realized that NONE of this , that is none of the negative reactions, have been happening with my roommate. I have been keeping mental note of all the amazing ways in which she communicates in exactly the way I need it. And I still can't quite believe it.

1. The emotional part - she acknowledges EVERY emotion, thought, feeling. Naturally. All of her statements and the very fiber of the way she communicates is designed to acknowledge and emotionally validate the person she is talking with. It is just the way she is, naturally - but I have never met anyone like that in my life. It is so ....calming and de-escalating to hear someone affirming me, understanding me, and to be able to *understand* her understanding. Her tone of voice is filled with empathy, joy, affirmation - I usualy can't understand anything but the most obvious tones of voice, but I can understand this, and it lifts my soul. Her face, too, displays nothing but empathy, concern, joy - acknowledgement - and again - the emotions are such in a way that I can read them. That has happened all too rarely in my life. It has kept me much more emotionally level - every time my emotions start to escalate, and I talk to her, it just makes me feel calm, centered, able to move on. Not that I don't have any anxiety because I do - but it makes it entirely manageable for the most part. And I appreciate the lighter burden to carry.
It's not even so much what she says, it's not what she does - it's that she's able to communicate that she cares, and that just means the world to me.

2. Understanding. Again, with everything she does, she shows that she understands everything I say. Every single word. You have no idea how refreshing and wonderful that is. When emotions have a hold of me they are like a savage beast that rips me apart and threatens to devour me. The loneliness and isolation feed the beast. The anxiety coming from containing the emotion or feeling within me is terrible. It needs to come out. When someone shows me they understand the emotion, they understand where it is coming from, they can even label it perhaps - it strips the beast of all its power. It takes the fear and overwhelmingness away. It makes me feel connected and wonderful and warms my heart. And again, she does this , it seems, so naturally it stuns me. I mean, I have felt pretty bad because of health stuff lately and am often rather brain fogged, but even through my fog, I'll hear the emotion, the understanding, the empathy in her voice and be amazed and appreciative. I spent years and years, in college, before college, after college, crying because I wanted this so bad but there was nowhere to get it. I wasn't getting it from my family, and attempts to do so resulted in being told I was "manipulating" them, which hurt me even more; I tried to get it from various teachers and professors in high school and college, and got very small amounts which I cherished, but I largely was left alone. Dreaming of, and trying to imagine, what it would feel like to communicate with someone who actually "got" me, who it didn't seem like pulling teeth to communicate with.

And now I have found it. It is of course tempered by all of the other problems I am having health-wise, and I am often mad that I feel I am not ableto appreciate it as much as I should. I feel like had this happened a few weeks ago I'd be just in love with the situation, relaxed, and joyful all the time. Instead, in some ways, my anxiety issues are at an all time high, and I really don't like that. My brain fog makes it so sometimes things seem too far away to process or appreciate. But through it all I remain determined to acknowledge and make sure to appreciate the good things that have befallen me.

It seems in part that I have found a partial answer to why I seem to have trouble relating to so many people. I need people who are much more emotional, much more expressive, and verbally express their understanding. And after meeting RM I know it is possible.

The question i,s, can I use this knowledge to help me not be pissed off by other people?

I a,m thinkingthat will be difficult. The response is too ingrained. Perhaps with therapy but that isnt an option due to MCS. for most paer. Can I try to seek out people who I can educate, who I can use this knowledge to show them how to best communicate with me in a way that will make me less likely to bite off their head? I hope so.

To be honest, I really do try to restrain myself. I do not consider myself a rude person, I do not attack people verbally, I'm not really that bad.... I think it's mostly my tone of voice that I am not aware of until after the fact that can take on an overly irritated tone that can be offensive to others. I do very closely watch my words so as not to be offensive but to monitor both that and be aware of my tone of voice and prevent hair trigger reactions to triggers is something I find very difficult.

So....some good lessons and understanding here tonight I think.

Kate

Strong in the Broken Places

The saying, "You get stronger in the broken places," is one that is sometimes difficult to take to heart. It's hard to think of ever being strong in a place that has hurt so much in the past. But it seems, I have found, that it can happen.

It seems that we do have the power to heal ourselves. The progress cannot be seen immediately. It cannot be easily measured by the day, month or even year sometimes. But over a span of several years, if we have the courage to keep trying and perservering despite our ghosts, we might find, as another famous quote goes, that we have lived our way into an answer.

Or to quote it fully, by Ranier Marie Rilke, a quote that really says it all: "I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

On a bright, sunny and beautiful afternoon, I was making my way up a busy road, headed for an ice cream place in Newport. I had my Walkman on and was enjoying the music, the sunshine, and the high that comes from actually knowing where I was going. It was a new town that I had just moved to, and I was used to getting lost. I had a smile on my face and was almost there, when someone shouted "Hey!" and I looked up, automatically. A derogatory comment followed, a man in a car with the windows down zipping by. Let's just say it started with weird and ended with a word that rhymes with witch.

My first reaction, I am happy to report, was of pity for the man. Here I was, walking to an ice cream place, enjoying a sunny day, enjoying life, and his life was obviously so miserable that he had to get joy out of yelling insults at strangers. I mean, honestly, how happy can a man who needs to entertain himself by yelling at strangers from moving cars be? Such a person obviously has major insecurities, major self esteem issues, major satisfaction with life issues. It's pitiful, really, it's a shame. It's degrading - to him, not me. It's a reflection on the kind of person he is and the life that he leads - not on me.

It was at that moment that I realized my life was rich - and that his was not. It was that point I realized, I had found ways to make myself happy in life, despite my many challenges. I didn't need much. I just needed a sunny day and an ice cream place. He, on the other hand, our nameless road rage guy, needed to put down others to get his jollies. Again, what a miserable existence. I thought I was poor, yet I found I was rich.

I also can't pretend the comment didn't hurt at all. That would be foolish to do. It still did, a little, but it was maybe 70% feeling sorry for him and even amused that someone would find it necessary to do such a thing - is my joy threatening to him? Does the prospect of happiness in the world, the idea of happiness overtly expressed, scare him? I have come too far in my life, I have worked way too hard on accepting myself, on finding ways to access the world, to accomodate my difficulties and find ways to participate, and even participate happily, in the world to let someone rain on my parade now.

And that is the other thing that I realized as I thought about this incident (but not, of course, until after I had made my way to the ice cream place and enjoyed some expresso ice cream and some more sunshine). Pride in realizing how far I have come, and pride in realizing that I am indeed strong in the broken places. It is not so much of a stretch to remember what I used to be like. I don't like to do it, but I can. I can remember the me who used to be terrified of others, terrified of everyone I met, sure that every one of them was laughing behind my back, telling stories about me to their friends, about to turn on me in any second. I lost my trust in people for a good long time after my junior high and early high school experiences. I was traumatized and afraid. Years of bullying had left its mark. I had no self-esteem, I was afraid to breathe wrong, walk wrong, talk wrong, and so on. I was paranoid about what people thought about me.

But, you know what I think saved me is my basic sense of integrity to myself. I always knew there was no sense in changing yourself to please others. The reasons are obvious. So I didn't. I withdrew from people, became terribly isolated, lonely and depressed, but I never stopped being true to who I was. I never stopped expressing my thoughts, wearing what I wanted to wear, listening to what I wanted to listen to, thinking what I wanted to think. And years later, when I finally got around a group of people who could accept me for who I was, accept every quirk, accept every difference, they healed the broken spots. They restored my ability to trust in people again. They restored my sense of self-esteem, my sense of connection to others. And they gave me permission to be myself and be proud of it. I learned not to be ashamed of myself.

See, I never lost myself. Some people do, I know. I have heard so many stories of chamaeleons, teenagers who want so badly to fit in with their peer group they go through a million different incarnations, trying to please others so hard that when they finally come up for air, they can't remember who they are anymore. I never lost myself, I just lost my ability to trust other people, to have friendships and relationships with other people. I lost my ability to be a part of the world around me, in a sense.
I wasn't an exceedingly social person before this happened, a lot which could be attributed to my (late in life) Asperger's diagnosis, but the peer abuse took away my ability to see myself as a person in relation to others.

So what happened, and how did I find my way back? It was such a long process, that I couldn't have told you it was happening when it was. My first year or two of college, I was scared and skittish and had awful flashbacks of mistreatment by peers in previous times whenever I'd get near, well, anyone my age. Which, you know, is kind of a hard thing to deal with in a college environment when you're surrounded by other college students. I had massive self-esteem issues and regularly entertained sobbing fits when I compared myself to others.

By my junior year or so, I realized something. No one had made fun of me in two years. No one had given any indication of being uncomfortable around me. Hell, people had even given me compliments. They said my dancing was beautiful. They said my joy was contagious. They said I was smart, I was a good person to be around. I realized, I could be as quirky as I wanted, I could wander around singing at the top of my lungs, I could do whatever, be whatever, and no one would give me a second glance. No one ever commented on how weird or strange I was. Hell, I used to hold my breath when I heard someone coming, convinced they were talking about me and laughing at me. And one time, my fears were confirmed. A group of guys, one saying something along the lines of "Isn't it a little bit odd that she does X?" and the other one saying "No, I think it's great/beautiful/etc." I don't remember the exact conversation. I just remember being so surprised that this guy thought so well of me.

In four years, four years!!, I got maybe 2 remarks that were at all negative. One was made by a group of drunk kids coming back from a party one night. I paid them no mind; I knew they were drunk, and I knew they weren't usually like that sober. True to form, the next day one of the kids came up to me and apologized. Apologized! I loved Goucher; where else do drunks harass you and then apologize the next day? I couldn't even remember what he was talking about when he did so, at first; and then I just laughed at the kindness.

I stopped looking behind my back; I stopped worrying about what people thought; I gained my sense of my self back. I became far more confident about engaging in conversations, about participating in anything social. I began to think when someone talked to me, it was because they actually WANTED to talk to me, not because they were dared to talk to me by their friends. Seriously, it's bizarre to think about, but I would watch anyone who came over to talk to me when they went back to their friends and wait for them to burst out in laughter, sure they were laughing about me. These are thoughts I haven't thought about in a while and perhaps it's best that I didn't; but like I said before - I'm stronger in the broken places. The fact that I can even write about this without becoming as emotional or feeling as much pain as I did a few years ago, when I used to write about it incessantly to try to find some kind of closure - is a wonderful thing in itself.

I realized finally that I was an okay person. I was a good person. Sure, I had my strengths and weaknesses like any other person. I was far from perfect. But I was okay. I was a worthy person. I was worth talking to. And somewhere along the way, I decided, Life is short, there are few pleasures in life, and one of the pleasures is in being myself and in following my heart. In being myself and doing things that I enjoy, even if they're not done the way others do them, even if they don't make sense to others, even if they look weird to others. If it ain't hurting them, then I don't care. Life is short and you have to enjoy it however you're able to. It's too short to give away your ability to enjoy things to others, to give them the power to dictate that.

My freshman year roommate said something I will always remember that sums things up nicely. She said during one of my self-pity "why am I different" sobbing fests, "Kate, I don't care if you do cartwheels backwards down Van Meter Highway singing country songs as long as you're happy." I might not have been able to take the message to heart at the time it was given, but I sure did remember it later.

So when that idiot in a speeding car felt the need to increase his self-esteem bank by taking from mine, I didn't fall for that trap. In high school, years after the peer abuse had stopped, I was so paranoid about it happening again that I absolutely fell to pieces at any suggestion of it. Eight years later, I know that my value is not measured by someone else's actions. My value is measured by what I think about myself; by how I treat others; by the abilities, thoughts, actions, and so on that *I* value, and I find important. There are many things I like about myself. And several I don't. But I have realized that my way of doing things is as good or bad as anyone else's, and I don't need to change just because someone who doesn't even know me cries wolf.

It's not to say everything's perfect; I still have self-esteem issues, like many do. I still sometimes wonder about my value in other's eyes. I still have relational troubles, connecting with others at times. There's a lot I still need to work on. But I have a basic level of comfort with myself that I would have never thought possible before college. I am more okay with myself than I thought I ever could be.

Do I like the illnesses that I have, that limit and restrict my world in so many ways? No. Do I like the personality qualities I have that enable me to deal with these limitations with humor and perservarance? Do I like my ability to connect with others in the ways I have developed, even as I wish for more? Yes. Do I like how I keep trying, and keep growing? Yes. I like who I am at heart; I don't like my life circumstances. There is a difference. But I have something to be proud of.

Those broken places have come a long way to healing, and the guy in the car today was a good reminder of that. Even if there is some discomfort in the reminder, it is a good one to realize that I have healed myself from much trauma in my past; perhaps, then, I can do the same for the equally daunting challenges that lie in my present and future. I have new broken places that need healing, and I am oh so impatient with the pace. But if my past is any indication, then, perhaps, I will find a way to heal these, too. Perhaps I will find a way to live my way into an answer.

Meanwhile, I need to keep enjoying my sunny days and ice cream, and say to hell with anyone who has a problem with that. I need to celebrate what I have, and celebrate that I am able to do this in the first place.

Of Salmon, Sand and Sun: Newport, again

So, I have a question for anyone who knows anything about Blogger.

I have set it to private but for 5 or 6 people. The reason is I am afraid of the Liberty debacle happening again - the reason I left Liberty, or had to leave, was because my landlord found my blog and didn't like what was in it one bit. Never mind that all I did was complain about the lack of food in the town and that can hardly construed to be offensive....Never said anything bad about any people, just about the food... Whatever.... He was a small town mind. But even though I have nothing negative to say about anyone here, and am mostly just writing my thoughts about places and experiences and such, I decided to be smart and restrict it to just a few people who I knew liked the blog and regularly commented. That way no one could stumble upon it and cause trouble in any way. It also probably helps that I'm not advertising it on lists and MCS chat rooms like last time, but that's another story .

But the gadget that tells you where people are from is still showing people from states that I don't know people in. So that is telling me that maybe it is not working. I keep seeing MA show up, and I think somewhere in the midwest, and it just showed Eugene, Oregon. Which is iffy because anyone from Oregon except for Tanya could be someone who knows me or someone I know which would probably not be good, again, not that I'm hiding anything, I'm not writing anything I wouldn't want to get out, but I still would like to know who's reading this.

Tanya is far away enough from Eugene that I assume Blogger wouldn't list her as being frm there, but who knows. It seems to list me as being from Illinois - why I have no idea - so maybe the gadget is just wacko.

I have people from let's see, Ontario, southern Oregon, Vermont, (maybe that person is close enough to MA that it reads it as that, but that would seem weird, it never gets the cities exactly right though), Tuscon, Montana, Baltimore, and New Orleans. So anything that is not near those cities, does not belong. I think there's one from the Midwest somewhere too.

Anyway I won't worry too much about it but if anyone knows anything about that, let me know.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

There is a printer going upstairs, it is very noisy. So it will be hard to focus but I will try.

OKAY. Like an hour later. Printer is done. Kate is tired. Time to write now. Chest is bothering me now. I wanted to write when first got home so had energy. But what else is new? I will push thru the fatigue to bring you all the writing I need to get done in order to maintain my sanity, lol.
I wonder why my chest is hurting now. I just ate stuff. Maybe that, who knows? I do like those vegetable crackers thougj.

Okay, FOCUS. I need to start with 2 things, which are mostly reminders to myself.

Today has proven that:

1. No matter how bad you think it is, it will ALWAYS, ALWAYS get better. No matter how bad it seems, it will get better. Change the environment and change the feelings. Be patient while waiting for different environment to change things. Just try to remember that things can better and with an environment change you will be and can be functional again. Just have patience and wait for things to click.

I tell myself that over and over again. The message never sinks in. Everything time I overcome all odds to actually enjoy myself, I write about it, I tell it to myself, I say it loud. It never sticks. The next time I feel bad, I panic all over again - but I keep hoping - if I write it enough times, if I experience it enough, one day it will stick. I wish I wasn't so traumatized from my 3rd apartment experience - if it wasn't for that I could probably believe that I'm not going to be permanently damaged by X, Y, or Z symptom I am having. But then kind of shook me to put it mildly. Whatever....

Anyway. So , today RM had 10:30 appt and lasted till 6:30, which was perfect as I do better with longer days so I have a few hours to relax and ease into the day - when I'm rushed I can't enjoy anything. And getting up at 8:30 was MUCH more favorable than 7, let me tell you - I got out of bed much more easily and was moire awake etc.

Anyway. So got to town at 10:15 or so. Day started off badly as I realized when I stepped out of the van - it was a little humid. For the first time in Newport (but not Siletz) the air felt thick and hard to breathe in. I thought I was screwed, can't walk all over town if I can't breathe. But I set out anyway, had a hell of a time walking down to the Bayfront and then around the Bayfront, chest was hurting and each step felt so heavy and labored, I was not enjoying myself at all and was thinking, what if this is the end of it all? what if the air never gets better, if i stop being able to even walk? I know, I know, I'm the queen of disaster, crisis thinking. I can't seem to stop. Oh well. Anyway, to my credit, I do one thing well, and that is realize the importance of routines and plans: No matter how crappy you feel, if you have a routine to follow, you know what to do and can kind of push yourself thru the motions. Now, even if you still feel crappy at the end of the day you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you got what you wanted done, and in the best case scenario, the activities will distract you from how you're feeling so given enough time you will start to feel good again. The latter is what usually happens, eventually anyway, and I am thankful for that.

So I walked to the boats on one side and then the pier with the salmon restaurant on the other. Sat and watched the boats go by. At 12 I decided to walk back to ice cream pier. (pier with the ice cream shop) as the shop opened at 12. I saw all the people watching the fishermen skin their fish on tables below, which cheered me up a bit and was fun to watch. I decided not to get ice cream as didn't want somethng that sugary that early in the day. My next plan was to go to the state park, but I knew I needed something to eat before I did that. I didnt want candy , but I couldn't go into any of the restaurants. Dilemma as usual!! Plus at noontime they were all full to the brim with people. So I decided I would have to find something edible at the one outdside resteraunt, ie, they have tables and a window where you can order things from outside - my idea of heaven. This town is very MCS friendly in that way - order food outside, doors open everywhere, some shops small enough that you can stand in the doorway and tell the shop-person what you want without even having to go inside. Some of them might give you a dirty look (like the ice cream person by the bay) but others are very helpful and nice (like the woman at the fish market). Most seem helpful and willing, the ditzy 20 something at the ice cream shop today was an exception. Her friend took over for her and asked what I want and came to the door to take my money - see, there are intelligent life forms on this planet.
I mean she was 5 feet from the door - it wasn't really that hard. She didn't have any other customers.

Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, lunch. Yea so I scanned the menu very intently at the streetside food stand. What the hell is fish and chips anyway that I'd like to know.... lol. Most I didn't like.
I asked how the chicken was made and dismissed it as being way too iffy, they were out of crab which seemed safe, so there was only one thing left. The Salmon Sub. Now, I've had a lot of salmon in my life, but it's never been on a sub. Or in any other form than a fillet, or lox. So I'm getting a bit leery of the many things locals like to do to salmon here to make it taste, in my opinion, almost nothing like the salmon I'm used to.

I asked the guy, "Is it baked, grilled, how is it made?"
He said "Neither" and joked with me that it was raw.
Finally he said it was smoked and I said, do you mean like lox?
And he said no, thicker, like tuna (which meant nothing to me)
Finally he showed it to me as I had no idea what kind of mystery meat was used for the sandwhich and I wanted to know before I decided to eat it!
It looked edible so I got it.
It was soooo weird I still can't describe it. It was like, in little pieces. And it tasted kind of slimy and weird. The consistency was kind of slimy. Maybe like uh I don't know. It was just beyond words. It wasn't necessarily bad but it wasn't good either. But hey, at least it was protein and a decent, healthy meal. It did give me energy for hours later so I was glad I'd gotten it. I just wish to hell I could describe it. Salmon should not come in that form, lol.

So then I went to the state park and my Gosh was the view astounding, right before you get there under the bridge the view of the sandbar, the rocks jutting into the ocean, the sand dunes, beach, the little ...... inlet of South Beach jutting out into the water, the boats, the bridge..... all that in one view is just simply astounding, and put me in a good mood.

Walking down to the beach I heard California Girls by the Beach Boys on the radio and thought that was a very appropriate song.

I also heard Let it Be on the beach and several other great Beatles songs.

So, my objective was to walk out to that long rocky whatever you call it that jutted out way into the ocean - what do you call that?

It looked so fun from far away. But when I got there, it was like I was in the middle of a desert sandstorm. Omg! I've never experienced anything like that before. The wind was very strong, something I knew might happen, but what I didn't anticipate was the interaction of the sand and wind - the wind blew the sand in your eyes, stung your face, every which way. I realized as soon as I got on the rocks that it really wasn't safe and started to try to leave immediately, but it wasn't very easy at all. I felt stuck there for a few minutes - the sand wind was so strong as soon as I turned around to go down it struck my face immediately and I was afraid I'd get it into my eyes. I couldn't close my eyes because I needed to be able to see to get down the rocks. A dilemma indeed. Eventually I got down but the sand wind was almost as bad below, going back in the reverse direction, with the wind against me. I hate sand, I hate walking thru sand, I hate the resistance it gives you. That and the resistance from the wind made each step feel like a thousand steps, and I had quite a time getting back. When I finally did get back up, I collapsed into a picnic bench, holding my hand over my heart to feel how fast it was beating, thinking I'd never be able to breathe again, I was so winded. Within a few minutes I felt all right again but man that sucked. I'm so done with sand. I hate walking in sand. Hate it. I love rock beaches but hate sand.

Anyway called a friend for a few minutes and then was off back to town and less windier points.

Stopped at the bayfront ice cream place I had wanted to go before, ice cream was okay - not great but not bad - woman was a bit rude but no matter I got the ice cream - and it gave me energy to walk back.

Whee, I'm getting sleepy now, wish I didn't get sleepy so easily, there is so much to write about. Maybe I need to become a coffee drinker, lol.

Walked up to Oceana instead of back to the office so I could use the bathroom there. Opposite end of that part of town, so took a bit, but easier than going up the street to the office from the BF.

And this is where everything changed.

I sat on the bench outside Oceana when I got there. Didn't plan to, was just going into use the bathroom, but I did. It was beautiful, sunny, the sun was strong there. It felt good. I relaxed. I got into the music. I started singing along. I started enjoying myself. I sat there for around 20 minutes, then thought I was going inside, but it felt good to be outside in that empty parking lot, so much open space around me and so many good songs on the radio. I put my sweatshirt and bag down. I stretched and spun and tried to dance a little, but mostly just moved my body aroudn to feel the warm sunshine and beautiful air on them. And I was able to get lost in the music, for the first time since I got here, properly lost in the music for a good 20-30 minutes or so. Get lost in the music and just be into it and happy and connected to it, and the fresh air and sunshine and beautiful empty parking lot. Empty parking lots often seem to be where I come alive the most often, in the right circumstances I'm guessing, perhaps because on the one hand they suggest so much - a business is nearby, exciting. But the parking lot itself has no pressures, no expectations. If you're at a beach or scenic area, the expectation is to enjoy it. If you're in a parking lot there are no such expectations. But there's open, empty beautiful space, and I tend to feel very free and good when in an outside area with tons of empty space, yet still well defined and having boundaries to that open space - if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway, so Elvis's "In the Ghetto" came on and the last verse I closed my eyes and was able to completely lose myself and shut out everything, just for one verse. One verse but that was good enough to have a taste of that wonderful connected feeling I treasure so much.

I am obviously glad I haven't lost the ability to feel joy and that I was able to finally capture that long elusive feeling I have been seeking for so long. It is elusive as hell and you can't force it; the more you want it the less likely you probably are to get it. But it happens, when you least expect it, and then it is absolutely beautiful.

It only happens it seems when I'm a) not expecting it to (probably because lack of pressure) and when I've had lots of time already in the day to do my thing and to get to the point where I'm convinced myself I'm functional (every day I have to get up and convince myself the world hasn't fallen apart since I last went to sleep, that I am still intact mentally and physically, it's exhausting to say the least), so anyway if I've been out for a few hours and have managed to do enough to be able to relax and be secure in the fact that I have done stuff, then and only then can I start to, sometimes, relax and start to truly enjoy myself. And SOMETIMES, not often but sometimes, I can get lost in the music and wander around someplace in a happy daze.... Sometimes. But it's worth it's weight in gold when it happens and I need to remember this because it's proof that things can change on a dime, for the better.

I must have spent an hour wandering around outside Oceana and then went inside and didn't react hardly at all and spent a good long while looking at every product they carry.... (natural food store) and discovered their cookie aisle which was quite enticing, lol.

When I left there a little after 4 or so, I didn't want to go back to the car yet, even though I'd been out for almost six hours. Didn't feel like it! Add to that I didn't actually know HOW to get back to the office, Haha. So, my feet decided to point me in the direction of the ice cream shop I knew was up the street and a few blocks west. I mostly went because I wanted to see if I remembered how to get there from the one time I went and stumbled upon it accidentally. So I did. It feels so good to know how to get places, how to get around - Bayfront, State Park, Oceana, office, ice cream shop....They all connect to each other. Wander around enough and you'll realize the interconnectedness of it all and how to get from any given place to any other place using a number of routes. Hasn't happened yet completely but it is starting to and that is nice.

Anyway found the ice cream place, an idiot yelled some idioacy at me along the way, always good for a chuckle, but got over it. Expresso ice cream - to die for. Their expresso IC is homemade and so strong and flavorful. Might be best ice cream I have ever had. Not best gelato but IC. Conclusion, that shop is so much better than the one by the bay.

Anyway, so then I was happy to realize I knew how to get back to the office from there, down the street and then to the left a bit, so that made me happy. When I got back to the van at 4:30 I couldn't believe I had been out wandering around for 6 hrs! It sure didn't feel like it.

I rested and called my grandma for half an hour and then talked to my friend N for an hour. I love cell phone reception, and being ablet to t alkto people. 6:30 came really quickly and RM was back in the car. We went back to Oceana to shop, and I got some delicious tasty blueberriesd and raspberries among other things. I love their fruit. And then we went home by 7:30.

So, when the fog rolls back in, when the health stuff starts gtting to me, when I'm feeling frustrated, I just need to remember that all this is possible, that joy and happiness will happen again, and that I just need to figure out a way t obe patient.

Going in tomorrow for short time; afternoon appt at 2 and then going to a place called Otter Rock nearby for an appt that she has there. Then have to wash my clothes, always a challenging task, that will be interesting.

Hopefully I can use these memories to bolster me. Fridat will probably be home need to get writing done and sokme phone calls I hope.

It would be good to go in more as I feel so good there and so crappyhere most of the time but what can ya do we will see.

Okay i am falling asleep I am glad I got to write that :)

Night
Kate

Too many thoughts

I am so sleepy, for the second night in a row. It is way too early for me to be sleepy and it is not like I haven't gotten enough sleep . So that annoys me !!! Very much but I need to write about this so I will try.

I'd go eat someth ing which almost always gives me energy but it didn't work last night and probablt won't tonight.

This sucks.

Anyway.

****

Okay, so this won't be poetry or even particularly good. My brain won't think, can't think of the words needed to put it together in a way that sounds good or draws the reader in, a neat paragraph illustrating the concepts I want to illustrate. Where did this crushing fatigue come from? I rarely have a problem with this, ever. It scares me to have it two nights in a row. What am I going to do? How am I going to make a life out of all these problems? If I can't write about it, I can't process it; if I can't process it, then I am dead meat because that is what my life is about. I need to write to process to experience to understand. I need to be able to understand, I need to be able to feel. I'm useless when I get up. Am I now going to be useless at the end of the day too? I suppose that leaves the middle but RM is usually home then and I am distracted and then it's dinner time and am hungry....I dunno....I just don't know.

Everyone replied to my pictures today. Not everyone but a lot of people. Probably a dozen yesterday and a dozen today, and not all the same dozen either. Wonderful comments and it warmed my heart to get so many compliments, especially from the pictures yesterday, especially from people I hadn't talked to in a while that were so happy for me. It warmed your heart to see, like I said.

But today, most of the responses I got, while very well meaning and not seemingly harmful, enraged me instead of warming me. It wasn't the fault of the senders for anything they said, not at all. No, it was my fault for trying to perpetuate what sometimes seems a charade. The cognitive dissonance, as I said in a previous post, is killing me. Killing me. I live in a picture perfect fairy tale place with a woman who is seemingly perfect in every way and continues to amaze me in every way. Yet I just feel brain dead and unable to process or feel the joy of these good things most of the time; my anxiety over my health issues and the aforementioned health issues are at an all time high. The split between the two is pretty much unbearable most of the time. So when I got all of these comments in my email in which roughly half of the people said something like "I am so glad you are finally able to experience a sense of joy and vitality," "I am so glad you are happy, looks you found the perfect place" and other comments referring to finally finding a sense of peace and stability when that's anything but what I feel, especially when I feel that is the way I should feel, you can maybe see why I just about lost it and was completely enraged. Not at the people who sent the emails, like I said, what did they know? I was enraged at myself and the situation. I still am. I don't know what to do about it, really. The emotions need to be worked out in my head somehow. I need to be awake for that to happen. Hahahahaha.
I totally forget what I was going to write about this. I have been staring off into space all day thinking of things, mulling things over, and imagining what I might write about it later on, only to find I'm too sleepy and brain fogged to put into words what my brain so desperately needs to expel. That is FRUSTRATING!

I'd go stuff myself with junk food if I thought it would help but last night it didn't. I wish I had gotten the Trader Joe's stuff 2 weeks ago so maybe I would have felt better then. I will on Friday. Too long.

On the one hand I love feedback from people, especially positive, on the other hand it feels so hollow when they generalize from one instance - my day on the coast - to the whole living situation, I guess that is what bothers me.

Okay, focus. Back. What the fuck is the purpose of joy, I have been thinking....if it is followed by days of feeling like this? And then I thought, what the hell did I think. Um. Something about joy. Joy. About if feeling joy is real or not. If I was feeling joy. The dog is so loud, he is licking himself. I wish he would go back to sleep. Okay. If i was feeling joy..... because everyone said I was feeling joy.....but I don't think I was. Or if I was, it wasn't like it used to be. I know what joy used to feel like and this isn't it. I used to feel joy quite easily despite my difficult living circumstances. I felt it in my mind, my body, my soul. I felt it physically and emotionally. It made me dance and sing. It made me feel light and air. It made me feel connected. It was good. Now, I don't deny that I have enjoyed all of the outings I have been on. I have. I have soaked up every detail and I have enjoyed them. But I have done it all from a vantage point too far away. A mind too far away. I have felt like I was looking at most of it from afar, pushing my tired bloated body into doing what I knew it needed and wanted to do, and doing it, but with a sense of joy very dampened. I know intellectually that everything I have done is fun and great and beautiful; but the emotional is missing - or if it is there, it is at 10% of what it used ot be. Maybe, because I am used to feeling things so strongly, what I felt was equivalent to what most people feel and therefore would be deemed "good enough"? How would I know what people normally feel, so I don't know. But it's not me. I was thinking - in college I had an enormous amount of intense ups and downs. I would go from absolutely euphoric to severely depressed and nearly almost suicidal many, many timese each day. The feelings lasted a few minutes each, maybe an hour or two - and then switched back to the other. I didn't usually have any in betweens. It was exhausting on one hand, but exhilarating and wonderful on the other. And looking back - in my post college life depending on living sitution I was a little mroe I guess "mellowed out" in that neither the highs or lows were anywhere nearly as intense,and it was a little boring, a little depressing, to not havw those highsl. But I still had some so it was okay. And now to not be able to experience them at all it seems - and for some reason not as much, in some ways not as many lows either but - but - I don't like it . I would trade the extreme highs and lows for college, to have those highs. To feel that ecstacy, the feeling of pure bliss, the feeling of being alive and loving it, of feeling connected to the earth, the blue sky, the world, of being enveloped in bliss (usually found from wandering around the grounds with radio on, but high on the world), is worth it. It is worth the lows, which were usually depression from comparing myself to others which is particularly easy to do in a college environment. I want those back again. That is living, that is life . I want the emotional highs it doesn't matter how bad your life is and how much distress you have on a dailt basis if you have the highs too. this is frustrating.

So sleepy again Need to focus.

Most things I need to write about or relive to appreciate. So in writing it it might seem like the joy was more porportionate to what it was, because it is easier to experience or describe joy in things after the fact, for me. But what is joy? I mean can I honestly say ... God, i cant keep a thought in my head long enough to write it, so this isn't going os well to write about it. should stop while im ahead.

I can't figure out if i actually enjoyed what i purported to enjoy in my writings and pictures that my grandfather raved about. I know I enjoyed it a little but to what degree, to a degree acceptable? to a degree that makes the rest of life worth living? life must have value. lately i am feeling mine does not. this despite living in such a great environment. it's a bit worriesome. i dunno. i love RM, i love the ocean , but i cant stand the way im feeling.

In many ways I havent felt as many acutely negative emotions either tho. All the stuff with the lost bagggage and any of the many challenges Ive had since Ive come - no anxiety no worrying about them for most part. I attributer that mostly to RM's calming and grounding presence. But who knows maybe my emotions are so flatteened I cant feel acute good or bad and thats not good. I do still feel anxierty when I thibk of health stuff but its different from before. its more generalized, more free floatting general level all the time instead of acute. acute was maybe better because although it was really really bad for a short time it wenr away quickly and then i was fine, this kind seems to never go away and that's not good.

i have got to finish writing this.
i wanted to end this by putting something in perspective. that was put into perspective for me.
A woman I dont know well responded to my pictures on facebook by saying "Wow, you are so blessed to have seen that and captured its beauty!"

Not, "wow, your life is perfect now I'm so happy for you" but a comment instead that captured a very distinct and finite moment in time. In a sense - it was something I could understand. I mean. Something I could agree wirth. I AM blessed to have seen such an amazing sight. I AM blessed to have captured its beauty. That doesn't make any statements about the rest of my life or the quality of my life, just that I was blessed to have been able to experience that moment. That one moment. For better or for worse - it does not matter what comes before or what comes after, but that ONE MOMENT was good, and that, I suppose, is all that matters.

Man, I have worked myself into a tizzy over this huh. I wonder if it's an Asperger thing , to be so obsessed with the accuracy of statements made about you? I have always been like that. Can't stand if someone guesses mty feelings wrong or makes an incorrect statement about me. Can't stand it. As Aspies we need a way to make sense of the world. Maybe this is one way. I don't know. Doesn't seem to be serving me so well does it? But these are important questions, they would have come up one way or another.

I wonder if I'm reacting to my clothes. lately i have noticed i feel worse when i put them on after my shower. there is a smell of some sorts, i seem to be reacting to . but i need clothes. i cant freak out about my clothes or i wont be able to function at all. hmm what a dilemma. clothes suck. did i mention i have 1-2 pairs? sensory issues + MCS reactions to clothes = really suck.

Em so this was about the most disjointed post I have ever written.

That wasn't even what i wanted to write about too. Go figure.

i wanted to write about, well. i like my roommate so much and i wanted to write somethign to let her know how amazing i find her to be. i have pointed out things i like about her verbally sometimes so she knows i think but i just feel like. well. if everything goes to hell like most of my friendships/livin situations do i want her to know beforehand how amazing she is. i dont know. i just feel like it should be commemorated.

she gave me 2 compliments today. that made me feel really good. 1) was she asked me to take out the compost and I asked if it could wait an hour as I needed my alone time on the computer to wake up, had just gotten up. She said that was okay and then several minutes later said "I said that was okay because I know you'll actually do it, you do things when you say you will." And I felt so good because no one has ever said that to me in my life, usually people tell me I don't do things or some other similarly negative comments, I don't think I've ever got such a positive compliment in my life. It made me feel good about myself. And I did take the compost out later, when I was more awake and the air had gotten better. :)

2) we were discussing music and she said she had a simon and garfunkel cd i could listen to, i said would be happy to listen to it when she was gone one day since she doesn't like music or noise of any kind in the house usually, and so i dont listen to the radio or any music when she's home and awake, which is kind of a big sacrifice for me as i usually listne to the radio 24/7 but is more than worth it to be able to live her, and i understand sensory issues so i want her to be comfortable too. anyway so she said after i said that about the cd "well we could listen to it when im here too" and i said "well i thought you didn't like music in the house" and that led into her compliment of "you're doing a great job being careful with the music, i really appreciate it, thank you" i said thank you back for the compliment and she said "no thank YOU" and i felt good that i was able to do this thing that made her happy and to be a good roommate.

***

The compromise thing - it's actually happening. I'm compromising on the not playing music, she is on the windows. I can't stand open windows most of the time. The air has been humid and that means I can't breathe. Not east coast humid but still . She hates not having the windows open, she wants air circulating. So she opens the upstairs ones but leaves the downstairs ones closed for me when I want them closed. We are bending to fit each other's needs, and I think that is a beautiful thing.

If she has some food she thinks I'll like, she offers it to me. If I cook something, I always make enough for her, because I like to make people happy and food is a good way to. Usually I make baby potatoes with olive oil and spices, and make enough for her as well, and she likes them a lot. I made a lot of fish in the first two weeks which I shared as well. She made some wheat and dairy free pizza the other day, rice crust, pesto, olives, bell peppers, goat cheese , and she offered me some. I decided to try it and i actually loved it - never thught i would have in a million yrs. i've also tried vegetable rice crackers (good but addictive) , licorice root tea, steamed veggies, oitehr things I can't remmeber. This recriprocity is also really nice.

Finally, the laughter, I want to mention. I love the laughter. I love that we both can use it. We both use humor to spin negative things into positives. We can both appreciate bizarre humor, making jokes out of difficultt subjects. She laughs at everything and I love the sound of her laugh. She doesn't give me a weird look when I'm trying to make a joke out of some problem I'm having so as not to think about it; she laughs. She gets the joke. And I get hers. And laugh at them. That is another kind of recriprocity, and I love it.

Usually I am a very defensive and somewhat quick to anger person. I don't like this but I am, with most people. Not all the time but a lot. Most people just piss me off. I know they don't mean to. It's mostly communication difficulties, misunderstanding, nonverbal language, whatever. But I get annoyed easily if I feel someone is not understanding me correctly. And with my ASD difficulties, I feel that way almost all the time. And I show it more than I would like. So it is amazing to say that I have not felt that way once in the entire almost month I have been here with RM. Not once. I talk to my grandfather and as much as I love him I feel that way 10 times in 20 minutes. Most people I have to bite my tongue after spending half an hour with them. Not once that I can remember in a MONTH have I felt that way with her. I feel thoroughly understood by her and we communicate so well that I never have once feel attacked or misunderstood or defensive. That is really weird but really nice. Sure makes our relationship better too. I am afraid I will not be able to communicate with anyone else after being spoiled by her: I was impatient enough before, how impatient will I be after knowing what is possible? I suppose I'll just have to find a way t oput up with it again. Add to it the plus that she hasn't seemed annoyed by ME, either, and that's even more of a miracle. That's like front page new york times news. First time in my life that has happened. See my dilemma here? See the cognitive dissonance? I have found a person so perfect, yet I think her house may be making me sick . DAH. Not good. I don't know that for sure but I know there are a lot of mold issues in this part of the country with all the rain and etc and the room I am staying in had mold issues recently which she tried to take care of with ozone, and so I have to wonder in the back of my mind.

In regards to the first three items: people with autism and AS as I am sure anyone with any familiarity with ASD knows , have enormous, enormous problems with recriprocity. I know I always have. Both with feeling connected to others, with ever feeling in the same rhtym or being able to show R... I can;t even explain it, I don;t have the words but you know what Imean. So this feels kind of amazing.

It needed to be recorded.

But now I need to go to bed and hope the world looks brighter tomorrow .

Wed going to newport.

Am still planning on going to Bend in either mid or late June so that's another change. Gah. A change I think I want, but it's hard figuring out for sure.

night
Kate

Yachats Pictures

My Yachats and Cape Perpetua pictures can be found here:

http://s579.photobucket.com/albums/ss236/kgoldfie/Yachats/

Enjoy!

I got some really good ones, I think. Pretty cool place.

Newport, Oregon in Pictures

TA DA!

My pictures are done! My pictures are done!

I lied. I decided to finish the pictures anyway. After three weeks of getting the camera, figuring out how to use it, how to load pictures on the computer, save, upload, find a photo sharing site that actually works, etc etc etc the album is done and ready to be viewed!

So go over to Photobucket:

http://photobucket.com/newportoregon?albumview=grid

and take a look!

Then come back here and tell me what you think :)

And then read my post about Yachats below if you haven't seen it yet (I always worry people will miss a post I just wrote if I post one right after it...)

and have a good day!

Kate

Yachats, Yachats....My mind is blown

Yachats State Park, Yachats, Oregon

Pictures are Googled, not mine.

I've had the song "Yes, We Have No Bananas" stuck in my head for ages so.... I ammend it to "Yes, We Have De Chocolate Chip Cookies." Okay, that wasn't funny. Whatever.

I am uploading pictures. It's a long and difficult process. I swear, taking pictures is easy and fun. Getting them on the computer and uploading them can easily make a person homicidal. It took 2-3 hrs to figure out how to put them on computer yesterday. Another hour or two to finally figure out how to almost upload them to photo site tonight - I am on the verge of being done. I hope.

Anyway. While PhotoBucket takes eons to load my pics I should write. Actually PB works much better than other sites, including Fotki, Picassa and even Facebook.

This may work.

Anyway. Typing not going so well tonight so this will have to be quick.

Today: Another LONG day, worth it but I have got to stop the 7am days as they are killing me. Not so bad the first time or 2 but I was SOOO wiped out when I got home. Napped for 3 hrs.

1. Newport: The Farmer's Market

But. Was worth it. Went to Yachats. A town an hour down the coast. RM had massage appt. Stopped in Newport at farmer's market first. BEST DANG FARMER'S MARKET I HAVE EVER BEEN TO IN MY LIFE. I wasn't expecting much; just a parking lot full of boring vegetable stands and a few pretty flowers. 5 min to walk around. Every other FM in my life has been like that. Why not this one?

Instead: Nirvana. There were maybe 20 stands but *every single one* was interesting, well thought out, high quality products. Every single one! It was more like a small festival than a farmer's market with the quality of products. And How you know you're in Oregon: TIE DYE.
The most wonderful booth with every tie dye clothing item possible. Their t-shirts and tank tops looked really comfortable and they were soo pretty. I need to go back and get one. Or several. The dresses, everything. Back to the 60s. It so reminded me of Longmeadow Days - the festival by my grandma's house that she took me to like 8 years ago and where I got my first tie dye tshirt. It was so like that.

RM said a woman sold bread and cookies and always had a long line - it was easy to see why. This woman's stand rivaled and beat that of almost any big city bakery I've been to - it was amazing to behold. I got a raspberry oat bar - playing it healthy but would have loved to get any of the other stuff. Mostly bread products but I had to pass up a really good looking chocolate torte.

And then my prayers were answered: For three weeks I've said the only thing this town lacks is
a good chocolate chip cookie, and then I found it. Amazing. I ate one while in line for other place, came back and bought three more. Found out where they are sold in town too, can walk to it when in town. Great find.

Other crafts and so on - lots of eye candy - fun to walk around - got pics so will try to post when can.

So that put me in a good mood to start.

We left at 8:15, got there around 8:50 probably, and left there around 9:45 maybe ..... Spent a while there. Also did short shopping trip at Oceana too . OH, and almost forgot: local Oregon strawberries! Yum! Felt so good buying local. :)

2. Yachats: Cape Perpetua Scenic Area

It was a pretty quick drive down Highway 101 from Newport to Yachats. I love the name of that town, how it sounds on the tongue. RM pointed out all the sights along the way - basically stunning beach after stunning beach, especially the one in Seal Rock.

You can drive to the top to the lookout point at CP, and because we only had an hour before RM's massage appt, that's what we did. This was stunning, of course, as well. The problem is - I had seen so many pictures of it, that there was no surprise value, no joy of discovery. The view was EXACTLY to the letter the same as the pictures. While it didn't make it any less spectactular, it did make it .... a little boring after the first 2 minutes. But amazing still - I can't describe in words. I'll need to post a picture and you can see, or just do a Google search for Cape Perpetua and you'll see. Seeing Highway 101 below us was cool. Got stuck behind a group of Japanese tourists, not cool. lol. Fun taking pictures.

3. The Spouting Horn - Cape Perpetua

We only had time for one more thing although we had planned four possible routes but that was okay. We went to the Spouting Horn, which was an area where the waves were supposed to slam against the rocks in a certain majestic way in which the spray would go up almost 40 feet, it was said. Or 10 feet, depending on what kind of day you got it on. At first we didn't see anything but as we waited we saw some pretty amazing stuff. The most fun thing was scrambling over the rocks and finding the nonmossy spots so I could get close to the action. More fun still was the challenge of taking pictures of the area and trying to get the spray in action. Taking pictures requires a unique kind of focus that seems to relax me in some ways. I just wish loading them didn't suck so much. I have no idea if they came out because battery died before I could look at them. But we'll see. It was a really fun area. Just beautiful.
a

4. Yachats - The CP State Park

Blogger is sucking tonight. It just almost lost my entry, and whenever I try to make something bold it won't unbold it .

At noon RM had her massage apt. I wanted to stay at CP but that wasn't practical. I didn't think there was much in Yachats from the drive thru we did of it. I was wrong. As usual. I like this kind of being wrong, though. At first I couldn't find the beach. I found a little part of it, sat on a log for a while, managed to slip on a rock and get my shoes wet, was a bit downtrodden. But I decided to walk down the road a bit more to see what I found and Oh my Gosh am I glad I did.

The state park in Yachats, which is literally a 5 minute walk from their downtown, is the most spectacular place I have ever been in my entire life. I don't have pics of this one so will have to paint a picture with words as best I can. For anyone from Maine - Take Two Lights. Two Lights is a beach or state park in Maine that I have loved since I was a little kid. It is a very rocky beach and I loved loved loved scrambling on the rocks. There was no place that made me happier, anywhere. Well. Yachats BLOWS TWO LIGHTS OUT OF THE WATER. Literally. Yachats is like, 50 of Two Lights. It almost makes me ashamed to be a Mainer.... haha not really but man I will never look at Maine in quite the same way again I still love it but it's just a little baby state compared to Oregon. So, I got there and.... I was soooo tired felt like I hardly move....but I saw those rocks....those beautiful, amazing rocks that I would have killed for a chance to scramble on and wander around on at any other point in my life and I said to myself, literally, "It is my DUTY to climb on those rocks." So, duty calls, I did it. :)

There were three fishermen situated in one area.... I asked one what they were fishing.... Perch. Whatever that is. I just cannot describe to you how scenic this area was. I don't have the words for the - what do you call all those rocks that stick out into the ocean and form such interesting patterns in such a rugged, fascinating, inviting way? Miles and miles of nothing but sand and rocks and huge, huge waves crashing against the rcoks in the most spectacular way. Sometimes little cave like things the waves went under. Every few feet you'd find a new interesting combination or interplay of rock and ocean, a new degree, angle, direction, intensity level of wave slapping against rock.

I had gotten my shoes and feet wet back at the first place but for some reason it didn't bother me. Any other time it would have completely ruined my day. Threw me at first but I lied down on the log for a bit and thought, this is weird, I'm not cold. I don't feel uncomfortable. Go figure. So when I accidentally stepped into a hidden tidepool ish body of water the second time, and got hit by a wave the third, I just took it in stride: So what, I'm wet, come on, I've got places to go ! Who cares? And kept on walking. It was like the ocean was acting as some kind of anasthetic: because wet feet would have driven me *insane* any other time.

Okay, I just found two BEAUTIFUL pictures of the state park by Googling and put them on top to give all of you and me a visual. I love it, you can google anything.

Anyway....so took about half an hour of very happily cavorting around the rocks and walking across the length of the rocky beach, and then I turned around having had my fill. the funny part is I swear it took me 30 min to walk across the beach but only 5 min to come back. I'm not sure that's possible but I'm glad it was.

I sat on some steps - soooo spent but so happy. I was so tired I felt I could hardly breathe and various body parts were bothering me but I just didn't CARE, I didn't feel it, I just felt so happy to be there. I think I actually felt kind of overwhelmed by the beauty of the place. Is it possible to get overwhelmed by something beautiful? In one way I felt almost numb - it was too much to process. But in a good way.

I sat there on those steps and looked around, having 10 min before needing to go to the car. I looked at the blue sky, I looked at the dark blue frothing ocean, I looked at the dark rocks jutting every which way from the ocean, and I laughed. And laughed. The setting just made me happy. It was the weirdest feeling. It did NOT seem real. No place could be that beautiful for real, could it? It felt like I was in some kind of vortex, it really did.

5. The fish!

I walked back to the car, I got there at 5 past 2, RM wasn't there yet so I continued up the street so I could briefly see the shops. Not much time left and was so tired. Passed a candy store, the coffee shop was closed. Came to Luna Fish, a fish restaurant owned by a fisherman friend of RM's. Stopped to read the menu and this guy came out and said he was the owner. Told him I was RM's roommate so he knew who I was. Asked on a whim - I didn't plan this! - if he could do a grilled salmon, which wasn't on the menu but the only thing I really wanted. He said yes and that he would bring it out for me and only charge me $10 probably half the going rate for it in any of the resteraunts I've seen in Newport. Perfect. I sat on the picnic bench and listened to the radio in a state of bliss. How can you beat that - spend two hours at the most spectacular beach that ever existed, walk 5 minutes, and get served fresh local wild salmon without even having to so much as go in anywhere, which I couldn't have done because of MCS anyway? Getting served outside without having to beg for it is something I never take for granted and always greatly enjoy. It just seemed to complete the experience to have the ocean....and then local fish. Maine may be an ocean side state and known for the ocean, but I have to say, the Oregon coast does up the whole "seaside town and seaside experience" thing much better than any town in Maine or the East coast I have ever been to does.

The salmon seems to be a bit thicker and chewier here. Still good, just different. And always nice to have a hot meal. I had a big smile on my face when RM came up to meet me after her appt.

And then I pretty much crashed on the way home and when we got home because there was just so much to process! Writing it out now I realized just from a sensory perspective the sheer amount of sensory input I got today - it was all good but that doesn't mean it wasn't a lot. Wow.
Like I said....slept for 3 hrs or so.

I really think I need to rethink the 7am days but this one was well worth it.

I am going to regret spending so long typing tomorrow most likely although I hope not but I just had to write about this. How do we live and make sense of our lives if not to appreciate the good moments when we have them?

Pics might have to wait till tomorrow though.

Goodnight!

Kate

Mozart and the Sea Lion

...title from the movie Mozart and the Whale.

My I am too tired to write much which I hate because I hoped I could write a long detailed post about every aspect of today but it took me so long to put away groceries eat do dishwasher that I got pretty tired but I would like to write as much as I can Then bed for me.

Lack of punctuation due to tiredness Ha

this is what i used to do when i wanted to remember the events of a day but was too tired to write about it in full....do it in list form

So.

1. Got up 6:45, left at 8am. Went to Nye Beach. Was cold windy rainy so didn't stay long. Thought it might be cloudy all day but wasn't raining so was glad for that. Went into bakery and was able to tolerate it chemically much better than before and would have maybe even stayed a bit but they still had absolutely NOTHING I wanted to eat. All bread products, no cookies or other pastries. But Dylan was playing and they even did Knocking on Heaven's Door and that made for a very nice atmosphere.

Did my ritual of asking random scattered people nearby how to get to the bayfront since I still can't seem to remember. Decided to take my RM's suggestion and follow the road opposite Panache all the way and cross the highway. Eh yeah that was way out of the way but I did get to see another part of town. There was an ice cream place called Oregon Made or Maid and I really really wanted something sweet to eat I haven't had hardly any junk food in 2 weeks and that was one of my goals today. The door was open so I decided to see if I could go in. First I read the menu from the window to see if there was anything good. Then I approached very cautiously and went in very slowly to see if I would be able to tolerate it inside. I tolerated it surprisingly well. Ice cream at 9:30 in the morning is not something I usually do, but when the opportunity strikes, you got to take it. :) The woman working there was kind of a bleached blond washed out I can't think of the words....she looked like she was in some high school movie from the 80s. Only, ten years later. Haha, I don't know. Just different. She seemed a little suspicious at first. When I asked for a sample she asked me if I was going to buy anything. The ice cream was surprisingly good - it might just be some of the most flavorful ice cream, rather than gelato, I have yet had. I got expresso ice cream....Just right for giving me the energy I needed for the day....and figuring out how to cross the damn blasted highway that was next to it. Ha. And a chocolate peanut butter covered banana - Yum! That was good. Only $1.25 too. She almost didn't take my debit card because I didn't have ID, but come ON, people, the damn thing has my PICTURE on it.... do I not look like the picture? Yes, my hair is shorter, but it's pretty similar.

Anyway, the ice cream kept me on enough of a sugar high to deal with the congested icky smelly highway I had to cross and I won't be taking that direction again. Asked directions again and found myself right by Oceana, a pleasant surprise since I knew more or less how to get there from there and it was short.

Got to Bayfront, sat by coffee shop outside for a few minutes, then started walking down the street. My next goal was to get some chocolate covered pretzels and to try to be brave enough to poke my head in one of the candy shops to do so. The first one wasn't open yet, the second was and the door was open. I won't go in anywhere where the door isn't open, too many unknowns chemically speaking when you open it, which is why I love that the majority of Newport shops seem to have their doors always open, even when it's cloudy out! Makes them so much more approachable.

So, I do the looking through the window thing first and then cautiously make my way in - very quickly - to see what's inside. This place wasn't as good as ice cream shop but was ok for a few seconds. Found the choco pretzels, popped back outside for some air. Then a whole gaggle of scented 20 somethings came in and started to engage shopkeeper in lengthy conversation. I stewed on the sidewalk annoyed at having to wait and afraid of losing my nerve. When they left I went back in long enough to ask for some of the pretzels and came back out to wait while she bagged them. I came back in to give her my debit card and she said they didn't take debit cards. But that they had an ATM. At that point more highly scented people came in and I had to run back out. When I came back in to attempt to use the ATM, she had come out from the counter and handed me the pretzels, telling me they were a treat. How nice is that?? I think I heard her say "She can't walk," and it is true that the fragrance from oter people made me stagger on the side walk for a minute but that wasn't my actual problem... I just couldn't walk in her store, lol.
What a nice person though. Perhaps a little on the embarassing side but hey I tried and I succeeded in my goal. They were good pretzels too. Not as good as Trader Joes but decent.

I then walked to the end of the street and sat for a while at what is becoming my favorite pier, dock or whatever, the one by the Saffron Salmon resteraunt....Bay Street Pier I think it's called.
It has a bench and is a beautiful place to sit and watch the ocean, watch the boats go by, and enjoy being outside. I heard some good songs on the oldies station, I think When the Lion Sleeps Tonight was one. I enjoyed them very much, but had to leave when a guy cleaning windows moved his operations from inside to outside two feet from me. It was good while it lasted!

As it was 11am I decided to make my way back down the street to the fish market which opened at 11. The nice girl who waited on me before waited on me this time and we seemed to have the talking from the sidewalk routined down quite nicely. There is no door so to speak - it's completely open, and only a few feet from the sidewalk to the counter. So I only have to go in long enough to give them my card to pay. I got some red snapper - remind me to look up what exactly that IS, lol - some shrimp and some crabmeat! What a feast!! I am going to try to make it all on my own tomorrow before my roommate comes home so that it will be ready when she comes home, I have enough for her too. I have never done anything of that magnitude before but I figure how hard can it be if I just try, and find recipes beforehand, maybe call my dad for advice on cooking it. It would be cool to surprise her with it when she comes in. But we'll see how it all works tomorrow. We'll see. Maybe, maybe not, it depends on how functional I'm feeling tomorrow, I suppose. But I'll try.

After that I walked the rest of the way back to the other side of the Bayfront by the coffee shop and sat on the bench for a few minutes. Then at noon I was supposed to meet my RM at Oceana so I walked up the (very conveniently located next to the coffee shop) street that went there and we both got there at exactly the same time! I rested for about half an hour in the van while she had lunch inside. Then I went to use the bathroom, which was thankfully a safe one, and had my lunch in the van. The crabmeat was very sweet and tasty. If I can find where I put it (ha), I'll use it in the dinner tomorrow. I could only get a very small amount because it was very expensive, but enough to taste and know it was good. Apparently Dugress (sp?) crabs are very popular and well known here, whatever those are. Not heard of them before.

So, then at 1 we headed to the lighthouse and state park and beach. I got out and took some pictures, then put camera back. She napped for an hour while I went to walk on the beach. Oh my God, it was so freaking beautiful. It was bigger and even nicer than Nye Beach I think. And it was sunny by this point. The sand made so many interesting designs and was firmer to walk on than Nye. I started walking and walked for quite a ways in one direction. I kept thinking it was like the "Lost City of Atlantis," it was so breath-taking. I wanted to walk to the wall of rocks- a jetty? what do they call it? - on the other side but I ran out of time. Then of course I had quite a time trying to remember what staircase I came down - that's what I hate about beaches! Insanely easy to get lost. I truly thought I had the right one, and with only about 20 minutes until I needed to meet my RM back at the van, I was glad. But when I got to the top I had NO idea where I was. Not surprising as that is getting to be a theme. :) Bunch of businesses and hotels. So I did what is becoming second nature, I asked the nearest friendly looking person for directions. He said "go that way all the way till you get there." I thanked him and was off, till I realized after a while I still had no idea where I was so I asked #2. He was from out of town but suggested I head in the general direction of the lighthouse, which was reasonable. Except after a while more I still had no idea where I was so I asked #3 and #4, both of whom said the lighthouse and park was on the complete opposite side of town, very far away. I wouldn't have believed it if one person had said but two did, so. My heart sank and I asked how to get back to Bayfront. I hoped RM would realize I had gotten lost and head back in time to not miss her next appt. Lo and behold though I got to the bridge and then saw a sign for the state park and lighthouse. I followed it and eventually came upon the van!!!! I couldn't believe it, I never thought I'd find it and I was only 5 minutes late. I kept thinking of how empathetically the elderly woman and the delivery truck driver had proclaimed that the "lighthouse was on the other side of town" yet here I was, definitely still on this side of town. Pretty funny. Guess not everyone can be gifted at directions.

I was completely wiped out after six hours of walking around and exploring, so when we went back to the office for RM's next several appts, I stayed in the van and rested, and made use of something I never really fully appreciated before: CELL PHONE RECEPTION! I called a friend in Montana, my friend Deb in New Hampshire, read for a bit, and then my friend Lisa in New York. They were all good convos but the latter was particularly good, a nice and flowing convo where I lost track of how long we talked and it was an hour before I knew it . Love that, miss it with few phone using options.

Before I knew it, it was already 5:45....Three hours had gone by pretty quickly. RM came out a little after 6. We went to the co-op for groceries and I actually felt brave enough to be able to go in (natural food store). Which was good cus there was soooo much good fruit to buy. I LOVE FRUIT! MMM! Heaven. I got Driscoll's strawberries and raspberries, and some blueberries, apples, and bananas - oh and they even had ORGANIC CANTALOUPE! Heaven. And I have watermelon at home. Seven different kinds of fruit who could ask for more?
The raspberries were divine.

I was able to tolerate the store much better and felt much less disoriented after, knock on wood, which was good. It's much more satisfying to do your own shopping if you can.

We got home around 7. I saw a peacock outside! It was beautiful. My roommate went to try to shoot it with a slingshot cus she doesn't like the loud noise they make and she doesn't like them on our property. That cracks me up, it just does. The idea of someone even having a slingshot and knowing how to use it and having peacocks....so funny.

I continue to be amazed by her. When I had so many bananas I had to make a kind of building blocks, balance on top of each other rather artsy banana design to fit them all in the bowl, she laughed with me, long and hard, about the humor of the design instead of telling me I had bought too many or failing to appreciate the humor - someon who can appreciatw the humor in very small bizarre things - is what I have been looking for all my life.

I am completely bushwacked now too tired to hardly sit up. So I will go to bed. But glad I got to write and glad I succeeded in my goal of showing myself that happiness is still possible.
I need to be reminded often it seems.

But it works...

Tomorrow is another day.

Goodnight,
Kate

A lackluster weekend and plans for tomorrow

So...It was a kind of icky weekend, because my "Does the coast of Oregon have humidity" question was answered and the answer is YES!
Damn!
RM was so nice about closing the windows for me so I could breathe but I felt guilty asking her to do it, as she likes to have the windows open.
It is scary and stunning to see how quickly I have problems breathing and feel generally completely and totally non functional when breathing air like this.
Ick. So I didn't go outside all weekend except for a 5 min walk each day to end of driveway and back.
Tomorrow, however, I am going to make some bets that will hopefully work out, and hope the air is better at the coast. I find it generally to be much better at the ocean, Less humid or whatever it is that bothers me so much and icky.
So. I will get up at 6:30 again to go in with RM at 8, and spend the whole day in town. Hey, it's better than doing nothing, right?
I will go walk on the beach in the morning, then go to the Bayfront for a bit. I will hopefully buy some more shrimp to make for dinner tomorrow night. Maybe I will go in a candy store and see if they have chocolate covered pretzels but I don't know if the quality would be very good. I'm so spoiled. Ha. I need to email my friend who said he would send me TJ. What a lifesaver.

I want to try the chocolate creme brulee that a resteraunt in Nye Beach has but they're not open till 4:30 or so and will probably be gone by then. I wish I could find a place with a decent chocolate chip cookie, tell me why the bakery does not make them? Ugh.

I need to go in to that place I saw advertising pastries, they would probably have them, wonder if I can go into it, though.

Usually the door is open but if the weather is not as nice tomorrow then it might not be.

Then we are going to the lighthouse and state park in the afternoon and that has beautiful views of the ocean so should be nice. I hope it won't be too windy. I want to walk around and enjoy the views. I should bring my camera and take pictures of it with the last few pictures I have.
I have to wait till Thursday to put the pictures on the computer because I need another part to be able to do it .

Yea, I don't know how it will go but I will try my best and it's better than doing nothing.

So, goals: walk on beach, buy shrimp, find good junk food somewhere??, see state park and walk around there.

Thurs it is supposed to be sunny so can go out then, but only for 90 minutes, I kind of hate having too little time more than too much because JUST as I'm getting into it, it's time to go and there's never any chance to relax.

I pray there were will be a day that is sunny where I have time in town and able to enjoy it at least once before I go. Tomorrow is mostly cloudy, but I might as well still go. Sigh.

Anyway, 2 emails I need to send and then to bed to sleep by 1:30 so I can get up at 6:45..... Sigh.
Yea, the whole going to bed earlier thing isn't working, that is early for me, lol.

Night...
Kate

Cognitive Dissonance

Wow, I have a million thoughts going through my head and I'm not sure, how to write them or what to write or how to phrase them. It's a bit overwhelming. Everything is a bit overwhelming right now actually. I've been worrying a LOT about health issues. There are two main ones.... my .... certain part of body that I can't seem to type without worrying about it so I won't has been bothering me and making it harder to use the computer which makes me worry a lot, and yesterday or maybe the day before made me almost insane with worrying and caused a mini breakdown. The worry is always about, well. It just is . I can't seem to talk about it too much. The other is, well, another issue. I want to write about them but I can't. That's unlike me. I don't want them to be real I guess.

But they are. Life just keeps getting more and more overwhelming.

Three Dog Night is on the radio. I have a dilemma, a conundrum, a baffler. A... What do you call it? Cognitive Dissonance. Yes. Cognitive dissonance, that's what I've been using to describe it. And I sure as hell need to write about it but I am not sure I will be able to. But I will try.

On the one hand.... I have been dropped into the middle of a fairy tale. A fucking fairy tale. It's my blog, so I can swear, right? lol. The house is stunning, The surroundings are stunning, the nearby city is stunning beyond belief, I could never have imagined thing so....beautiful and stunning and amazing. I will overuse the word stunning now because I can. Ha.

My roommate is beyond belief. She is more stunning than any of the other things. She is a dream come true. She is the embodiment of everything I have dreamed of all my life. She's human, too, of course, so she's not perfect, as none of us are, but she's pretty damn near well close.

Just the way she's able to have conversations about anything and everything, the way she cares so much, the way she respects me so much, her problem solving, her ingenuity, her passion and joy and emotions, everything about her makes me go "Wow." Just tonight, it was a stressful and tiring day for both of us and I think we were both a bit on edge, and I was even beginning to have that afraid feeling about "Gosh, I hope she's not frustrated at me for X," whatever X was.
But we ended it with the most wonderful conversation, the meatiest, most meaningful conversation - just kind of spur of the moment - done when I was practically too hungry to think and she too tired to think, and this is what we come up with when we're both at our WORST? My God.... Heavens. A form of heaven is what it is, to be able to be this emotionally supported and almost to feel....to start to feel safe, knowing that talking to her can make it better. A feeling of security - that is what my heart aches and yearns for .

And it made me realize - we were talking about my friend A and how I said she was the only person I had ever felt emotionally close to, and how it was because of the problem of her dating my brother that we had gotten close - I felt very insecure and didn't like that my best friend was dating my brother - but we talked it through - very honestly - each stating our own opinions- each stating honestly how we felt - and we *respected* each other's opinions, we valued them, we acknowledged them, we listened closely - but it didn't change anything. It didn't change the fact that she was dating J and I was uncomfortable with that and myself, but it did, in retrospect, change everything, because it made me feel that I was supported and loved and cared for unconditionally - I didn't realize that until I typed these words, but it was the first time I ever really felt someone loved me unconditionally. And that was such an amazing thing. I didn't of course realize it at the time, all I knew was my pain and discomfort over the situation. But looking back - that is what brought us together, that is what made our relationship so close, that is what made me be able to understand what friendship was like and meant - having this issue come up and being able to be heard about it, being able to speak my mind no matter whatever was on it or how disagreeable, and working it out - without being punished for it, without having any resentment, without any negative repercussions whatsoever - that allowed me to start to accept myself.

Thank you A. I just realized. I was worried about her going out with my brother because I was worried about what it would mean for our friendship and my sense of my self and feelings about myself. Could I ever have imagined that it would make both a thousand times better? How ironic.

The reason I bring it up is it reminds me of the way that RM and I talked about the heat tonight. Our one point of potential conflict has been the heat - the only heat is a wood stove, and for various reasons such as almost running out of wood, she doesn't want to use it. I get freezing at night and when I'm cold I get lots of other problems and it's just not good emotionally or physically. So we have been disagreeing about the wood stove but have been doing it so respectfully and talking it out and hearing each other's viewpoints and it reminds me of what I did with Anna. We decided tonight we'd do it half and half.... so each of us would be uncomfortable some of the time but not all (the heat rises to her room and makes her too hot is the other problem, not as much the wood although that too.)

I have never seen someone able to talk something out so respectfully and honestly and without negative baggage....except perhaps for A.

Anyway I digress, I really do, but maybe what I said answers part of my question.

*** The other side to the equation.

It would be nice if that were the end of the story. It really would. But it's not. Unfortunately.
Every one of these joys is tainted. Every one of these joys I am prevented from really enjoying. It is MADDENING to say the least. It is frustrating beyond belief. It is the whole Look but don't touch, glass wall, kid in a candy store but can't buy anything thing. Ever since the first day I've had terrible brain fog. Well it hasn't been terrible every day, but most. It hasn't been good any day although there have been a few very rare good moments mostly in the beginning. Some days are really, really bad and other days are okay but the okay days usually have some other problem, like problem #2, so I haven't had one day I've been able to just relax and enjoy myself, and that is frustrating.

Anyway. The bad days I don't want to think about but I need to. It's like, everything is behind a glass wall, I see all these wonderful things but can't experience the feeling of joy that I KNOW I would experience had this happened to me two weeks ago before I came. I KNOW that no matter how I'm feeling, the scenery of this place, the town of Newport, and so on would pull me out of it and make me happy. I know that. But most days it's been like.... just foggy, can't think, can't focus, brain hurts, the head pressure thing, everything feeling just very far away. A little bit like, I hate to say it, but a little bit like the way I felt after the torturous and fateful Apt #3. Not as bad I don't think or have I just gotten used to it? That I can't tell. I don't think it's as bad but I don't know. I've adapted a lot to things I never thought I'd be able to. So anyway... it's just like how can I explain it . These conversations with RM - these stunning amazing blow you away emotional conversations that I would have died and gone to heaven about had I had them before - they're great, and I like them, and I can realize intellectually how amazing they are, and remember to make note of that so as to appreciate it, but internally I'm not feeling anything... they would have made me feel emotional connection before. Would have made me feel relaxed. Happy. But I just don't feel it now. I can feel it maybe 3% sometimes, the inkling of what it would be like, but can't FEEL it. She does calm me and I do love talking to her but all I can think of is how much more I would have enjoyed it before. And that goes for everything .... everything. Everything is tinged with a feeling of "I would have enjoyed this sooo much before..."
Some days my brain feels like pure mush, I have trouble keeping too many thoughts in at once, if I make an intention to do something I forget it 30 seconds later, I'm distracted beyond belief, can't remmeber what I was going to say in conversation, often can't find the words, often can't make myself get up and do anything, get way too lost in thought, stand there for 20 minutes verbally telling myself to "Go do X" some simple task and I just can't make myself do it, and it's so frustrating and scary!

The other part of this brain fog is even scarier, to me, it's a reduced ability to handle sensory
stimuli, and you KNOW I already have loads of problems with that. When it's really bad even pleasurable stimuli like music feels overwhelming. Moving, thinking, noise, too many thoughts, everything just makes my brain hurt. Luckily I've been okay with music every day since the first day, couldn't live without music, but I haven't been able to feel as connected to it as I usually do. Although today was better and I did feel connected to the music for once, except my X was hurting so much I couldn't focus on it, see what I mean when I say it's always something? If I ever have a day when the brain fog isn't bad then X is usually hurting and I'm completely freaking out over that. Short of reducing my computer time to shorter spurts so as not to cause the symptoms as much, I am not sure what to do about that. RM said muscles are tight, well yeah, how the hell do I loosen them? "Just relax them" somehow doesn't cut it. She did give me some magnesium to take so we'll see if that helps.

Anyway Where was I. Yeah, so my brain will feel like it's bursting out of its seams. Anything novel or any sensory information will make me feel dizzy and almost nasaeuous. It's awful! Ugh! I've only had a few days of it really bad, but often enough to be scary. Like I was trying to make chicken and even the actions of getting out the pans and figuring out what spices to put on them and doing so and putting them in the oven..... it was almost too much. I almost felt like I had to lie down in the middle of it. But I did it.

And then yesterday trying to switch the eggs from one bowl to another and my brain couldn't seem to figure it out and was in a daze and couldn't access the information about what I was supposed to do. There were eggs, and there were 2 bowls, and I couldn't remember what I was supposed to do with them even though I had been told just a minute ago. It was overwhelming.

So it's a combo of being out and about and not being able to *connect* and *feel* and let go and just let myself be joyful which I usually am in enjoyable situations.... instead just feeling.... BLAH... and of the oversensitivity to stimuli and brain mushiness and distractability that really has me concerned. Because I know how I was before I left, I know my history of symptoms, and I was NOT like this, and never have been except for afer hateful Apt #3.

So the cognitive dissonance is trying to holding two beliefs in my head at once: 1) This is a perfect, fairytale place and 2) I can't seem to enjoy this perfect, fairy tale place. I know this place is perfect. What the hell gives?

Now, as far as I can see it, there are a few possible causes for this.

Also, the first day was the worst but it was almost of a different kind ( i think) so is possible that both issues are present but first went away.

1) Seaport airline flight - Had VERY strongly the new car smell, miserable, lost all sense of cognitive functioning, immediate brain fog onset, head felt like stuffed with cotton, etc when got on there and for 40 minutes, sobbing the whole way. Needless to say I will NEVER be taking this airline - a commuter plane from Portland OR to Newport - again. I was freaked out the first day that I had damaged myself permanently, it was almost intolerable, but seemed to be a little better on Monday.

b) The one thing I haven't mentioned is that the bedroom does bother me a bit. I didn't really notice the first night I was so tired - except I do remember thinking it was odd that it took me so long to fall asleep as I very rarely have trouble with that...even in new places.... especially after being tired from cross country flight.

It stings my nose when I go in there and I feel immediately very irritable and depressed. I can't think clearly. The one time I tried to use the computer in there..... couldn't think and felt VERY agitated. Now I only sleep in there and do nothing else, and I've barely noticed in some ways - the fact that I don't have a bedroom I feel safe in, you would think would be a major red flag that would be very upsetting - but the rest of the house is so beautiful and I get along so well with RM that I don't mind spending all my time on the living room floor or couch. For years I've wished for a living room I could feel safe in so it's kind of nice to have one. In any other place it simply wouldn't be possible as I wouldn't be able to stand not having my own space away from people - but I like her so much - I don't mind, I don't notice. And we both like our alone time on the computer so we have set boundaries more or less about when it is ok to talk and when it's not. Sometimes I do wish I had another room to go in like when she wants to open the windows / sliding glass doors and I don't, but I try not to think of it and mostly it goes ok.

But it is worriesome. She said there was mold in that room but she ozoned it and thought she got it all, and I wonder if this room could be damaging me and causing these symptoms. If so it would not be healthy or safe to keep being in there but how do you know? And the only other option is sleeping on the (not really a) couch so that doesn't work so well.

c) Sensory considerations/ other

It has crossed my mind that maybe the brain fog is a result of not enough sensory stimulation, as that has happened before, although NEVER to this extent. But often I would feel a little like this in the first few hrs of a day before I was really awake or had a walk or anything. And since she doesn't like music in the house, I haven't been listening to the radio except for late at night when she is asleep and ok'd it, so maybe the lack of the sensory input from that is doing it. Also I've been out of junk food so maybe it's the lack of sugar, although lack of sugar in Liberty never made me feel like this. To consider: Three out of the four times I have been in Newport, I have felt...to some degree good, awake, alive, able to process *to some degree*. Well...No... I think it was pretty much what I wouldd call "normal" but all three times I was so hurried due to time constraints that I wasn't able to relax and really enjoy it - otherwise it would have been "normal" I think and I regret I haven't been able to have a mix of things yet so that I could actually relax and really enjoy myself, which it seems criminal not to do in these settings.

So I would say that perhaps it's just the lack of positive stimulation or any real stimulation, lack of meaningful activities, lack of sunshine maybe, as the worst days are usually always on cloudy or rainy days and every Newport day has been, fortunately, sunny- except for the third time, which was also the time I had the most amount of time, and where I stayed brain fogged and out of it the entire time, which was a shame since I had almost three hours to play with and the other times usually only about 90 minutes.

Today was better, was able to feel things more. But whenever I don't have the brain fog, something usually hurts...... Maybe that acts as a stimulus in itself? What a weird fucking trick my brain would be playing on itself if that were the case. Argh!!

I don't know but it is scary and frustrating.

So I try to ask myself: what do I need in life to be happy?

And to redefine stuff.

Also try to do find more non computer activities as it has become much harder to use the computer lately - seem to be more sensitive to EMFs or whatever, burns my hands a bit to be near, and also makes my X hurt to use it too much, which sets me into a panic. The other day, I got up and my whole right side hurt - everything - and I couldn't even lift anything wiht my right hand, no matter how light - hurt too much. It was kind of like agony. I tried to use my left hand and not lift stuff and whatever but yuck. Got better after I sat i nthe sun for a bit as it turned sunny later i nthe day. Not all the way better but was able to lift things. Made me panic. But was better today. That was yesterday I think. Hope it doesn't happen again but it always seems on the verge of. Using computer makes it a bit worse but need to use it - but trying to limit amount of time I do. Did colored pencil drawing, cooking, walking, sit in the sun, talk to RM, occasional phone call although I HATE land phone, whatever I can find to do .

Between those 2 issues I've been in an near state of panic for most of every day for 2 weeks.
I try to focus on how beautiful the surroundings are and the animals and good things and that makes it bearable but it's been a real struggle and it's getting to me a little.
And of course I love the conversations with RM, but it does make me a little nervous to be essentially depending on one person for so much; namely, the connection I have become accustomed to.

And I also put a lot of pressure on myself to be as calm and collected as possible so I can be a good roommate for RM. She seems okay with everything, even the last 2 days when I've dissolved into tears and sobbing twice, and just seems to understand everything NATURALLY - the way I've always wanted someone to - with no effort. But I don't want to push the box if you know what I mean.

Anyway....So that's that. It feels like I've found paradise only to lose it to some unnameable force. Paradise, Lost. Or more accuarately, found paradise and never able to enjoy it.

The other question is - I hate to even bring this up but - do I thrive on crises? Without the constant survival issues to distract me, focus me, and put me on edge does my brain just turn to mush? That's a scary thought. Do I need to take some kind of stimulant med to make it turn on?
Does it just not know what to do with safety? Again. YUCK.

Changing gears - I got up at 6:45 AM today so I could go into Newport with RM. This from a person who has a hard time usually going to BED by then. Usually get up around 1-3pm. And I did it almost without thinking or really having to put much effort into it.
Which was great.
Her only appt was 9am, so.
Made a quick trip through town taking pictures w/ new camera. Was great, took everything, about 90 shots I think too. Nye Beach to Bayfront to Oceana. Hurried, didn't have long, but got everything. Great shots of a sea lion swimming in the coean :) Bad news is , camera isn't compatible with my computer. So my grandfather is going to buy a device to make it work but won't be in till next Thursday.

Least I got into town for a little bit. Hard having so much time to kill after. Went for another walk to enjoy the sunshine but X was bothering me. Talked to the neighbor for a bit. Didn't do much after...we got home at noon or so.

That's all for now, I'm getting pretty tired. Tomorrow is another day. Sunshine, and who knows what will happen. I still haven't tried my salmon candy. Can do tomorrow.

Goodnight...
Kate