When Popcorn Isn't Popcorn

I have only a few minutes to write. I need to write though and wish I had more time.

The short version is that I had another two hour conversation with RM tonight. We discussed the Bend situation and when I should go.

The short answer is she is cleaning the mold upstairs and cleaning the carpets next Wednesday, and doesn't want me in the house when she does it because of health reasons and more mold in the air when she does it, etc.

So that really seems to lead to going on June 14. Sunday. Obviously it's a lot sooner than I expected. The original date was that yes but then we changed it several times and ended on July 7. So I wasn't prepared at all. It is quite a struggle to get my mind all of a sudden wrapped around the idea that I am leaving here, moving, in just a few short days. But I need to do it. So I will. I will finally be Learning How to Bend, huh?

I have never been so conflicted in my life. Never. Ugh. I just... Every time I wrote a list of pros and cons for Bend vs here, and when to go, it came out strongly in Bend's favor. Logically speaking. And I said, well, that is what I should do, then. But my heart wasn't in it. I panicked at the thought of leaving RM.

I am not used to feeling this emotion. I have never felt it in my life. I have never gotten close enough to someone to actually miss them, I mean really miss them, as sad as it sounds. And I am already missing her. Hard.

It came down, for me, to a choice between fulfilling emotional needs and material needs. Bend has every material need I have been lacking here: transportation, sunny non humid weather, cell phone reception, a chemically safer house most likely, more people that I might know, even. But Newport has RM. I don't even care about the ocean; it's great but I don't mind leaving it.
But RM. I feel such a sense of loss.

I know it's not forever. I know we can phone and email. But it's not the same.

When you've been in pain all your life because you've never met a single person who you felt understood you; when you've been lonely and isolated all your life because you could never find anyone to have conversations with; when you've had lousy self esteem all your life because you could never find a single person who seemed to be able to put up with you; when you've had a gaping wide emotional hole that you dreamed would one day be filled - and then you FIND all of those things, you find someone who understands you, respects you, cares about you, and lights up your life - when your emotional needs are being filled for the first time in your life - how the HELL can you leave that??? Seriously. I am feeling aches just thinking of it.

The sound of her voice, the smile on her face, all of it, fills my empty spaces.

And I am supposed to leave?

What is more important? The emotional fulfillment, the material stuff? I don't know. I did commit to trying Bend. I am looking forward to Bend. I do need to leave because of mold cleaning here. The decision has been made. But. I am just. I usually stand behind my decisions. This one is harder to.

Thoughts, opinions from anyone reading??

I need to accept it. I am trying. I wrote a list of evetything I am looking forward to there. I will get msyelf into a better headpace to accept it. And I can always come back but who knows how and if the dynamics will change? There will most likely be a roommate then too so of course it won't be the same. But I can come back if I need or want to. But, it rains all winter and that would drive me insane. Bend is sunny all year.

I am NOT used to having choices. I am NOT used to leaving places without having them be a crisis situation I am leaving. Usually the adrenaline from leaving crisis situations makes decisisons easy. Not this time.

I am glad and thankful for what I have. I am just trying to figure out how the hell to deal with the emotion of actually missing someone, of how to leave someone who has meant more than words can express to me.

Bend may be better. bend may be fine. who knows. the unknown is hard.

am i making the right decision to go, and can anyone understand why i feel so strongly about leaving her despite all the other negatives about the situation?

***
To remember note to self:

in conversation tonight she told me that i made the perfect roommate and that she would have a hard time finding someone else who worked half as well! she said because i am very considerate of her ( examples, coming to the door to tell her about chicken , making her food, not playing radio, respecting her space and need for quiet, etc) and because I had a "childlike inquisitiveness and curiousity without the responsibility of taking care of a child."

wonderful words that i want to remember for the rest of my life. start to heal from the images i had of myself before.

since most of my life i have been told i am selfish and think only of myself and never think of others, which i have always thought totally untrue (aspie miscommunications), this really was balm to my soul and wonderful to hear.

and as for the second, same thing. It seems that an Aspie way of looking at the world - the childlike wonder that often comes along with it - can actually be appreciated by some people. It is so nice to be liked, to think of myself as someone who people might actually want to be around and appreciate, for the first time in my life. Apply positive labels to msyelf instead of negative. What a gift.

****

Popcorn analogy:

Great analogy from the other night: RM said she was going to make some popcorn and asked if the smell would bother me. I automatically assumed she meant that terrible Orville Redbacher microwave popcorn, which has a totally toxic smell when microwaved. All kinds of chemicals. I said, "Popcorn smell doesn't bother you?" and she asked me how I was used to it being cooked. I said in the microwave. She then explained that she had actual corn which she pops in some kind of kettle and then puts melted butter on. REAL popcorn, not chemical. I said, "I should have figured you had a natural way to do it!" Ha. It was a bit of an epiphany for me, though: Just because something has been done a thousand times before the same way, just because every experience in your life has been the same way, doesn't mean there isn't the potential for things to change. Just because you've been hurt a million times doesn't mean there isn't the potential for healing and happiness. Just because the only thing you ever thought existed in the world was microwave popcorn - doesn't mean you won't get lucky and find people who do kettle popcorn. They do exist in the world. Do you follow that - an analogy - just saying- Things aren't always as you think they are. I liked it.

Maybe I can find other "Kettle Popcorn People" in the world.

Maybe just maybe it is worth exploring to see.

Ok this was rushed as I need to go to bed to get up semi early.

More later.

It's a start.

I am learning how to Bend.... My long journey will be complete in only a few days. I am leaving on Monday.

The third stage of the journey.

Kate