Happiness and Where Should I Live?

I was thinking more on the topic of how to define happiness tonight and if I'm experiencing it or not.

Happiness. I want to define different levels of happiness. I want to try to figure out if I am happy or not by doing this. It is a hard thing to figure out.

When I was in college, happiness was such an intense thing. I was both ecstatic and very depressed many times throughout the same day. I swung back and forth all day long, all week long, etc etc. Happiness was a visceral thing for me. When I was happy, usually because of a song on the radio, I felt it intensely, in every corner of my body. My mind would open up, my body would feel free, I felt a burning sense of joy, I felt light, I felt powerful. I felt like dancing, and laughing, and I did. My joy consumed all parts of my body. I felt on top of the world. I felt connected to the world, to some kind of, dare I say it, higher power? I don't believe in God or really any kind of spirituality, but maybe this kind of joy was like something spiritual. I don't know.

My lows were equal to the highs, usually when I'd get depressed after comparing myself to others and sob for a while and feel as if the world had ended.

Until another good song came on the radio and I was in ecstacy again, until I thought I made a gaffe in a conversation with someone and I was plunged back into depression, until I had a smoothie and I was on top of the world, until I observed three girls laughing and wished I could be like them and was in despair again, until......Well, you get the picture.

It sounds exhausting just thinking about it, actually, but it seemed so normal then. And the lows were usually worth it for the highs - well, not that I had much time to think of it. There was no middle ground. When I was happy I was happy, when I was sad, I wasn't. I did actually not like the yo-yoing so much but it just was. And the highs at least did compensate nicely for the lows.

Anyway, moving on. My next point of reference is after college, before the MCS got bad. I remember thinking, well, my highs aren't as intense, I don't feel as incredibly joyous when something good happens, but my lows aren't nearly as low, and my highs are still pretty good, so overall I've mellowed out but am still able to enjoy myself, so all is good.

When I was living in South Portland, the highs got a little higher and the lows a little lower but not too much different - the result of more stimulation, I suppose, more of a life - I was able to be independent and do stuff on my own which made me feel great but still had some problems.

After MCS, though...... Well. I should not spend too much time dwelling on what happened as it is very depressing. But all I know, is. After that third apartment, my whole life changed, and I lost half my functionality in an instant - literally one day. I went to bed feeling one way and woke up feeling broken. The brain fog that I had never experienced before, the feeling very, very, VERY VERY far away from everything, almost like looking at it through a 50 feet tunnel - that was the most terrifying experience I have ever had, that first day of it I mean. Not that it's not still scary but the first time was obviously the worst, and most severe, too. I think the scariest most traumatic thing I have ever experienced was walking up Congress St the day after I woke up in that apartment and feeling like I couldn't even think straight enough or function well enough to even walk, to do anything, just "what's happening to me??" and then to be all alone when experiencing it, was just awful.

It had been humid for months before that so I had expected during the summer to lose my ability to enjoy anything much.
Always happened. Didn't like it but dealt with it. Most of my joy comes from listening to music and singing to bit and experiencing it at a very deep level. In the summer with the humidity, I can hardly breathe, and certainly can't sing or experience anything other than discomfort - but again - expected. What was NOT expected, when the humidity FINALLY started to break, I think it was mid to late September - I think I had a week in between where I was feeling okay again, feeling like myself again, able to connect with that feeling of joy when listening to music in the right circumstances, so I did have it back - but after the apartment, and after the initial shock of the intense brain fog had passed and I got a little more functional and was able to figure out how to navigate the world in my more impaired state - the ability to enjoy things and to enjoy the music was lost again. I was pissed about that. I was PISSED. I had waited all summer to be able to enjoy music, or anything, and to get it for a few days and then lose it to some terrifying, nameless thing - I was pissed.

But as the months passed I got used to it. You get used to it almost anything, right? Given enough time.

I wasn't able to really sing to songs again after this, not like I did before. It hurts to say that and think about it but I did get used to it more or less. When faced with a crisis, you can't focus on what you've lost; you've got to focus on what you still have or you won't get through it. Survival was more important than being happy. So, I found I could still get some enjoyment out of listening to songs and connecting to them that way. And maybe singing a verse or two every once in a while. Wasn't like it was before but it was still fun, right. It was still fun. It still made me happy.

It is hard to explain what happens when I try to do this. I don't have the breath to do it, for one, where I always did before - I'd dance around singing every single word, every single line exactly in time with the song - for four or 5 songs in a row if they were good ones. It was exhilarating. But I became lucky to get out a couple lines. Also, there is a pressure on my head when I try to do it. It is hard to explain. But it's like either emotionally, cognitively, or from a sensory perspective or SOMETHING, the act of singing and connecting to the music is a complete overwhelm and makes my head feel like it is going to burst. So obviously I don't do it. Who wants that feeloing? But I don't know why.

I was still able to dance a little when the mood struck and sing maybe half a song at times, once in a great while a whole song, and then the dog shampoo incident occurred at my dad's house. After that I couldn't , my body felt very out of sync, hard to move around, unbalanced, I couldn't dance, I couldn't sing half as much as I could before, which still wasn't much then.

Again, I adjusted. Listen to it and get the joy that way.

I am trying to think if I was ever really happy in....well there were some times in Missoula, yes. Where I was able to connect to the joy. One particular moment I remember at Bernice's where I hadn't been to town in several days and got there and got to Bernice's and to "my" picnic table, sun was shining, sat on it, felt so good, put on the radio and an amazing song was on..... and I was able to sing the entire song. And felt it, and felt really good. And maybe even another song - Ican't remember. But a lot more than usual. I couldn't figure out why I was able to do it then, and never again or before. But I still had it in Missoula, the ability for joy.

Did I in Liberty? I was probably too caught up in survival. But I think I did, I remember a few good songs coming on that made me happy, yeah I did.

Did I in Maine? Not as much, it is hard to remember. Again, more survival. Took walks every day but hard to enjoy them. I
don't remembner. So dependent on circumstances. Didnt have that much time in portland alone where it might happen. i thnk i did those times though. probably I did .

So that brings us to the present. it frustrates me . My experience of joy has changed, I feel. All of my emotions feel deadened. I do not feel like I feel joy as intensely as before. That worries me. I do not think my worries have been as intense either, which is good, but not at the price of not feeling joy!!

When good things happen I feel too often like they are happening from far away. I feel like I don't FEEL them. I have to tell myself to be happy about them. I tell myself, this is a beautiful town and you have a great roommate and yada yada , so you should be happy.

And in one way, I am. I do enjoy the conversations I have with my roommate. I know I do feel emotionally fulfilled and intellectually stimulated to a degree - but it's just the degree is a quarter of what I would have felt before. I am pretty sure of that. Don't get me wrong, they're better conversations than I've ever had in my life, and I love them, it's just I'm paying attention to how I'm feeling on a more ... subtle, nuanced level and I'm feeling like I should be feeling more. About that and about Newport.

I do get satisfaction out of walking around Newport, and I do enjoy seeing the boats and the town and ice cream and so on, but I don't feel joy. I do get a sense of achievement out of figuring out directions and how to get places, though. Thats more of an accomplishment related thing, so it makes sense.

I define joy I guess as a somewhat visceral, all consuming feeling. It makes you feel light and wonderful and connected to the world. And until recently I think I still felt it in the right situations.

And maybe my standards are too high and maybe I was just lucky before, maybe most people don't feel this way, but I have felt that way all my life, alongside the crippling anxiety and depression, and took it for granted to some degree. That was what happiness meant to me, as true as the sky is blue and water is wet. My feeling of connection that comes only in certain circumstances but comes pretty often - that is what I have lived for all my life. That is what I look forward to.

So that is why it feels so wrong not to experience it.
It is all very well to enjoy something I suppose, but why I can't I feel this feeling of joy? Should I be worried?

What does happiness mean, what does enjoyment mean, etc? Probably I shouldnt work so hard to label it but like I said the feeling that it is lacking when it has no reason to be is what is worrying me.

It is what is creating the massive feeling of cognitive dissonance in my head. The one that is saying, you have everything you have ever wanted pretty much in your life, you have a great relationship with someone and all the social contact and input you had always wanted, and a stunningly beautiful town to live in, and it's all MCS safe which is all you really wanted anyway. So why no joy? I should be happy - I can't even tell if I'm happy or not. I don't think happy feels this way. But maybe it does to other people? Is this just a dumbed down version of happy?

I know I am glad to be here. I know I like Newport and I like my roommate. Maybe I am stressed out by the other things though. Getting used to sharing space w someone and all the other minor changes that are not bad per se but just a big adjustment.

In reality I still have a lot left to worry about and desire. It would theoeretically be nice to have things like transportation into a town whenever I wanted it, friends, a social life, a purpose in life , such as a job or hobbies or something.... not to have MCS... and so on. I realize my life is far from perfect. But I have conditioned myself not to want those things and not to even notice they're not there most of the time, except in the background. So they shouldn't play a role into whether or not I am happy, I feel. I think.

I feel like I should be happy with just the survival issues I have worked so long to achieve: a chemically and emotionally safe place to live.

But it seems that humans need more than that, huh?
Not to survive, but to be happy, I guess.

Adrenaline....It seems I almost do better when I'm in crisis situations to some degree because then the adrenaline takes over and I don't have to think about the small things because I'm so engrossed in survival. Don't have to think about anything but the big issues at hand and getting through the moment and can then be proud of myself for it.

But that's not a healthy way to live by far. I don't want crises by any stretch of the imagination. They wear me out. Two years of constant crises has worn me out and they get harder every time.

But it seems w/ all the survival needs removed I am focusing too much on the other worries that have been shelved for two years. It was easy not to think of petty thngs when you have survival needs. But now I'm left to have the time and brainspace to think of the trauma of what MCS has done to me, of my social issues, of my future, and most of all my lack of anything meaningful to do with my time - that is the hardest one of all. How can you be satisfied without anything to do? I should be grateful for survival and safety, and I AM, believe me, I am. That is really the most important thing of all. Nothing matters besides that.

But it is hard to actually be happy without anything to do.

So all those people who say I must be so happy, that I have finally found my place, that I am the happiest I've ever been in my life.... they're wrong. I am the safest chemically and emotionally in terms of the people surrounding me that I have been in my life, and those things are good, but they don't equal happiness. They equal survival. I think. Do I have this right?

In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs of course Survival needs come before psychological and self actualization needs. I think a person needs them all to be happy. Which is a shame!!!! Because the first couple levels were damn hard enough to attain! I don't know how I'm going to attain the next few. I just don't know. I need to somehow. Talk about climbing a ladder, it's the perfect analogy.

I also feel like it's peeling away the layers of an onion. You get rid of one set of worries just to find a whole new set of them underneath. It feels like it will never end sometimes. To get to a place where I feel secure and satisfied and safe and happy, it seems an elusive goal. Safe and secure I suppose meaning referring to my emotions, and not having to be afraid of the huge emotional upsets and lows I have, and just being afraid of how my functionality level will be and my ability to deal with the world, etc.

When I was living in South Portland, my first living solo experience after college and the only one pre-acute MCS, I really did have it all. Just about. I had a job, independence, transportation, got to wander my favorite city all the time, whenever I wanted to, had money, got to do things I enjoyed, had a good living situation, didnt have MCS. It should have been everything I ever wanted, but again, I was miserable a lot of the time. I remember sitting on the couch crying my eyes out and not being able to figure out why.

I call that the South Portland effect now because it is so obvious what happened. I finally had the time and emotional energy free from survival needs (of a different kind, then) to think about what I *didn't* have in my life. And, althougj my life was a lot fuller than it is now, Ididn't have many friends, hardly any; I didn't have any of my social needs met. And I didn't really have any meaningful activity or purpose other than shops, sweets and music. It made me happy but was a transitory kind of happiness. So I focused on that. It might have been thefirst time in mt life where I ever felt clearly that, well, my life had no purpose. And that realization hurt.

When I got (severe) MCS after that, I was again thrown into pure survival mode for a long time. I had no time to think about silly things like social issues or anything else.

Okay so the computer shut down in the middle of writing this. I have no idea how much if any I lost and am getting really tired and cant focus much longer. So. I'm going to write the conclusions that I came up with when I was standing at the counter eating half a box of rice crackers while I tried to calm my nerves and wait fo the computer to come back on.

Conclusions if I can remember them: 1. You can;t be happy without self actualization. And. I thought back to all the times in my life when I have been the happiest and they have all been times when I had some degree of independence. My happiest most joyous moments of life, strangely enough , have been walking back from the Towson grocery store in college, a bag in each hand, walkman on, smoothie in one hand, singing, on top of the world because I was being independent and getting groceries and it just felt so good . Same thing in South Portland. Walking back from the grocery store even in the bitter cold winter with a reduced ability to carry things....felt really good.
We won't even go into how much I loved that Hannaford and spent hours in there because I could, how much I loved grocery shopping and being ablr to buy things for myself. At least I have Whole Foods, right? I love Whole Foods...my last measure of independence in food shopping.

Anyway. So. Back to topic at hand. The lack of expected happiness is probably due to lack of purpose; because even when you spend 2 yrs focused on survival, you have purpose then. Your purpose is to survive and as such you feel damn good when you do. And sometimes that's all you need. Not that I like crisis , again, but.

The lack of purpose is, well, brings all kinds of other problems.

So that brings me to my next question and what the real reason in writing this was.

When to go to Bend. And which situation will be better? And should I go in one week week, or in 4? Those are my two choices and I can't decide and need to soon.

I think that boils down to one thing, and it's simple but complicated.

In most ways Bend sounds like it is the more ideal situation for me because it does have that potential for independence, and since I have identified that that is what makes me happiest, by all means that is what I should be going for. And with a Whole Foods a mile away, as long as the path to get there is okay, I can see myself enjoying going there, picking up a thing or two,walking back and feeling good. And then hopefully bus if tolerated or some other method of getting into town. Maybe Amber, the Aspie I met. And I am hoping the weather will make me happier and I will be able to take more walks, but of course that is a huge wild card, but hopefully. I know I do not do well with humidity or with rain, both drive me crazy as I can't go outside. So that's 2 huge reasons for Bend; likely will have far less of both of those things.

But quite simply the only reason that this isn't an easy decision, and I love easy decisions, is Kit. How can I leave behind the only person in my life who has ever understood, respected, cared for me to the degree in which she has? How can I leave behind someone who I admire so much, who I have such a connection with? I have spent my entire life trying to find a person like her and have a connection such as we have been having. How can I leave such a good thing behind? I feel like I have much to learn socially and emotionally and just by observing her and talking to her about everyday things I feel I am learning so much. Am I stunting my possible social growth by leaving? Am I foolishly leaving behind a once in a lifetime thing?

But on the other hand, your life can't resolve around a single person. That's not fair to either you or the other person, I don't think. It's too much pressure to put on a person. And it's not a stable way to live. Your enjoyment and satisfaction from life should come from you and your experiencces, not a person, right? But on the other hand isnt that the basis of why people have relationships - intimate relationships - not that this IS by any means such a thing - but people base their happiness on their partners. But, they also have lives and other things that make them happy. Maybe that's the difference. But, what if I find that the social contact I get from this relationship beats whatever form of happiness I can find elsewhere? I don't think it will though. It makes me calmer, certainly, and I love it, but true happiness has to come from doing things, from lifestyles with .... something in them, I suppose.

So it comes down to: the only truly good social relationship I have ever had in my life, or independence and good weather? Hahaha. I dunno.

Another factor is: I don't like to think this but I am afraid something in the house is making me worse. I always had trouble with the bedroom of course but I just feel more brain foggy in weird in here. This may not be true and it may not be the house at all. Or it may be I'll feel the same anywhere indoors. But it's driving me crazy, the worry of it and the experience of it. And I think it is responsible for the extreme morning brain fog I sometimes get; I'm always bad in mornings but never have I ever been THIS bad. And that is so scary each time and makes me panic each time and I am really kind of getting worn down by it. I mean it's tolerable and mild overall in comparison with what I've dealt with in the past, but it's maybe another reason to leave on the earlier date? I don't know.

Maybe it's better not to have the extra time of waiting and wondering what Bend will be like.

Maybe I should just be thankful I had a great time, had a great relational experience, saw some amazing things, and move on.

But try as I might, I don't want to leave Kit, and I am naturally afraid of new situations.

Also add to it: This is the first time in my life I think that I havent moved somewhere out of necessity or out of crisis. Every other time, the situation I left was so bad, that I was extremely motivated to go to and do well in the new situation. That adrenaline and motivation helped a LOT. In this situation having a choice unfortunately makes me less likely I am afraid to be able to adapt to the new situation as well or as quickly because I don't have that adrenaline of there being no choice.

I still think maybe the adrenaline will kick in actually when I get there and want to make it work, but it won't be as much as usual maybe, or at least it's certainly not present now.

When it comes down to it, I'm not using to havign to make choices. Usually every decision of any kind in my life is made out of necessity. So I don't do too well it seems with a choice between 2 viable options!

I think that's about as far as I am going to get with this tonight. At least I have identified , for the most part, the source of my unhappiness or lack of joy, and thought more on the Bend dilemma.

I wouldn't be ready to go by next week, but part of me doesn't want to wait three weeks, or a month from yesterday. That's kind of what I am thinking. I don't know. I kind of feel like I could do it without too much problem a week from this weekend but that three might be stretching it. I don't know. Not that this place is intolerable by any means! And if I didnt have a choice to think of I'd probably be a lot more satisfied. It's just the wanting to know what else is out there, the wondering if the othet thing would be better, it makes me restless and impatient to find out. And I have too much time on my hands to think about it is the thing.

Another perfect example of how some level of challenge or accomplishment or purpose is what brings joy into my life: in college I would listen to the Hot 9 at 9 onthe radio every night on WAYZ (how I miss it) in the same place, on the steps in the library, at 9:00pm. If I was working on a paper before hand (I'd almosrt always stop to listen to it and take a breaK) then the songs would make me really happy and I'd get excited and feel good. If I was just wandering around and notdoing much thesongs wouldn't excite me nearly as much. Again: having work of some sort to do makes a person feel better about themselves and their life.

Do most people think this deeply about things? Argh.

Okay. Enough for now. Bed soon.