When Mothers Come to Town

I hate when my mood changes so much. I felt good when I got home from my day out with my mom. So good in fact I even attempted to wash my clothes which, long story, has been a MAJOR STICKING POINT that my life revolves around and is a major problem. Long story. But I did, for the first time in way too long, attempt to wash my clothes. And it wasn't nearly as hard as last time, and I got it done. And I felt a sense of satisfaction. And then I came in the living room. And crashed.

Booom CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH ding ding falls to floor

I do not like it when my brain takes leave of me that fast.

Crashed emotionally and cognitively....not physically.

And binged on cookies which is bad because I need to be eating healthy so I can have a stomach that you know actually works?

But not half as many cookies as last time, and healthier ones, so that's an improvement, right?

By the way, my mom totally agrees with me that health food store cookies suck. lol. It's good to have some agreement with people.

Ya know I love RM and all, I really do, and I love talkign to her, being around her, but when it gets to a certain point, say 11:00 at night, I wish she would go to bed so I could have my space to think and relax , and have the radio on low so I can think. Just saying . And I know she feels the same way about mornings to herself so it's not bad to say I don't think.

But. I need to write about today. I want to.

I keep turning the heater on and off thinking maybe the noise will make me able to think more. Usually it's the opposite way but.

So, we got into town at about noon. I went to the farmer's market quickly. They had no tie dye. Oh well. The brisk walk and the song 'Soldier Boy' on the radio woke me up. I met my mom about twenty minutes later at Oceana as I was getting a chocolate chip cookie. She hugged me and said "Look at you" and seemed happy to see me. Which was nice. She seemed to be happy to be there. We went to the back to meet RM and my mom said "Thank you" to her, "for all you've done," I guess giving me a place to live, and RM said it was nothing, and my mom said "she sounds so happy." More emotion than I'm used to seeing from her, but I like it. I like the new more emotional side of her. I can actually tell what she's thinking then.
They chatted for a couple minutes. My mom paid for my groceries which was nice. I got some soup, toothpaste, that was about all, some water.

We went back to the farmer's market so my mom could see it. She really liked the crafts and jewerly. I had a sudden vision of just how many crafts and jewerly there are in this town and was afraid we'd never get anywhere because she'd be looking at it all. Luckily she only looked at a few places, and bought a beautiful red necklace that went perfectly with her red shirt and coat.

Then we headed from Oceana down to the bayfront. Came out by coffee shop. Showed her all the boats in the harbor. Made our way down the street. More people than usual cus it was a Saturday. I asked if she wanted some salmon on a stick, but she declined. Ha. She stopped in a few artsy places along the way and I waited outside, she was pretty good about not taking too long. I was a little impatient because I was afraid it was going to start raining before we got anywhere. It was on the verge of raining all day but never did. It was misting for most of it so you kind of got wet without being rained on, but that was tolerable. It was warm enough that it was okay. So we finally got to the end of the street and turned up the street to go to the state park. I hate that hill going up there. Saw the beautiful view along the way, which I have to say wasn't nearly as stunning in clouds and fog and light drizzle, but still nice. We sat at the bench when we got there for a bit and talked. About the difference between "beach" and ocean" lol one refers to sand I suppose and the other to water. I was using them interchangeably. We then went down to the beach itself . There were several other people there despite the weather. When we finally got past the sand duney part and were on level ground and walking in the right direction into the wind, it was actually quite pleasant. Nice to walk in, beautiful to see, and easy to have conversation in. So we walked for a good while and talked and then we were nervous about going back because we'd be going against the wind and the mist and wind was blowing water into our faces, a sensation I hate.

I remembered that there was that cookie shop I liked somewhere in that general area when you went up the stairs. That's where I was when I got lost the first time. So I told her about the cookie shop, and let's just say she took a bit of convincing. "Katie," she said to me, "you're trying to tell me there's a cookie shop at the top of those stairs?" but she said it in that really funny voice I love she uses when she's trying to make a joke. Anyway, she was soon convinced by the increasingly unpleasant weather conditions on the beach to go up the stairs and walk back on the road rather than on the beach. "Okay, Hotshot," she said, "Find the cookie shop," when we were at the top. So we walked a bit till we came to Georgie's where I remembered it being near. Also I realized we were on Elizabeth Street which is what RM said you took to get to Nye Beach, but I hadn't had any idea where it was, I never pay attention to street names anyway. So I realized we could get to Nye Beach that way, but then I was conflicted because I was way too tired to go to Nye Beach and wanted to go back to the van. But walking back by way of the bay front would have taken almost half an hour and quite a ways. I finally realized it was ten minutes to Nye Beach and ten minutes from Nye Beach to the van so that would be the quicker way. Mom went into Georgie's to make sure E. Street would indeed take us to Nye Beach and also to ask where the cookie shop, Dutch Brothers', a coffee shop actually, was. It turned it out it was like two blocks away so we found it and Mom bought me some cookies, three, actually. Which I had too many of earlier. Gotta stay away from that stuff, lol, I dunno.
Anyway so then we started walking to Nye Beach. We were pretty tired and it was kind of rainy so I was looking forward to getting there. We finally did and found a bench by a resteraunt at the bottom of Nye Beach that I was very thankful for. We sat on it for a while to get our energy back and exchanged horrible flight stories. She got stuck I think in two different cities trying to get back from San Francisco, and my luggage got stuck in two different cities, lol. And we had the cookies, which were a bit on the sugared up side, but better than the health food store cookies.
Haha. Anyway so then all we had to do was walk all the way up the street we were on to get back to Oceana to the van. And I managed to convince her to stop to get some expresso ice cream along the way. We shared it, even though she had three times before we got there that she didn't want any ice cream and she wouldn't have any. I think she liked it. :) She said it was very good. It is. Their homemade stuff is out of this world.

Then it was a few blocks over back to Oceana. I almost had an Oops moment when I realized that RM was going to take the car back to where we just came from at 4 and it might not be there when we got there, but fortunately, it was only 3:30 so we still had time. And it worked out well because RM it gave me a ride to Cafe Mundo where she was going too, and Mom took her car. RM was meeting someone for dinner at 4 at same place.

The best part was when my mom saw what Cafe Mundo looked like though lol. I had only seen it myself for the first time on Thursday. It truly cannot be described in words, so that means I'll have to take my camera sometime. Haha. I will try though. Well, RM said to me before I saw it, "It's kind of artsy and hippie, I don't know if your mom will like it," and I was thinking, how can an outdoor seating area of a cafe be artsy and hippie? Well, it definitely was, beyond belief.
I can't find a picture by Googling it. Oh well.

At the center is a large, gnarled tree. It's a large courtyard, larger than it looks from the (fenced in) outside. Inside is a VERY eclectic mix of objects, art, a woodstove, paintings, and the occasional table and chair. At the center is a marble table and chairs with a canopy of sorts over it. To one side is a stage for performances. At the other side is another canopy with two tables, one made out of wood I believe, with a bench and marble or was it wood? rocks for chairs. And some green plastic chairs. I mentioned the wood stove in the front with an assortment of lawn chairs and plastic chairs. There are many haphazard decorations, such as a set of stairs that lead to nowhere, and things made out of clay. It is like stepping into some kind of magical fairy tale land, an enchanted forest of sorts, and you get to sit there and have dinner. There is a peace sign that says Peace Is Political.

It will make your mouth drop open - it certainly did mine. I never in my life ever saw or imagined a place like that.

Anyway, so the most fun part was my mom's reaction to Cafe Mundo. I hope I can remember exactly what she said. Her mouth definitely dropped open. She said something like "This is unbelievable, this is like - no, it's like..." and she didn't quite know how to describe it but kept staring around in awe, and told RM that she had described it exactly right.

And all throughout dinner, she kept saying how amazing it was, and she's not one given to emoting as I said, so yeah, I think she liked it. :)

Since we got there early, there wasn't much of a wait. We were the very first people to come.
I got a chicken ceaser and Mom got some kind of shrimp dish. It was quite good. I also decided to get some albacore tuna halfway through because I wanted some fish as well. I was too full to eat it at the time but it made a delicious snack later.

She then said something like "This is perfect. It was a perfect day, everythign about it was perfect. I loved it. Thank you for planning it so well, I appreciate it." I wanted to try to remember the words she said exactly because, well, it's awfully nice when a parent actually tells you you did something right :) but I might not have gottne them exactly right. But it was good to hear. Although, I'm not sure exactly why she was thanking me, she's the one who drove 2 hours to get here from Eugene and paid for dinner and food all day.

So we chatted a bit and she told me how nervous she was about getting the job. I do hope she gets it, because she wants it so much, for one, and for two, I think it might actually be fun having her nearby - either 2 or 2.5 hrs depending on what city I end up in - assuming her car is okay, which I really hope to hell it is, then we could meet and go hiking together, and would probably really enjoy that. But, not going to get my or her hopes up.

She left a little after 5 because she had to drive back to Eugene and had an early, 6am flight the next day. So all in all much better than expected even with the drizzly, but thankfully not raining, weather.

Two things in particular stand out: One, that I was able to share something positive and joyous with someone close to me, my mom, for one of the first times in my life; my life has really been, well, more than its fair share of problems up until now and I've seldom had anything I could be really proud of, hate to say it. College, I guess, but that was a long time ago. Anyway so this town is something I can be proud of. And it was nice to share it with someone I love. Much better than sharing anguish. lol. So over that - I hope.

Second, it for once gave my mom a chance to see that I could have a somewhat happy and satisfied life even despite MCS and being so limited in what I could do. I might not be able to go
into any or most stores, but hey, there are oceans to be explored, beaches to walk on, sights to see, stores to look at from the outside, health food stores to explore, music to listen to..... Towns are fun to walk around and look at even just from the outside. Sure, I'd rather be inside, but I'm going to make the most out of it just walking around and looking from the outside.

I think I seemed a little more confident of myself, a little happier, a little peppier. And I am glad that she could see for herself that was happiness was possible even despite severe limitations. Also, she could see that RM could have a, to use the cliches, "happy and productive" life even despite having the same limitations, and I have to believe that made an impression on her. If she isn't as worried about me then she will hopefully relax and we will have better conversations. When she is stressed out worrying about me it comes across pretty much like she's angry at me, even if she doesn't intend it, and she doesn't say much and the conversation gets pretty strained. So, I hope this will help that.

Too bad my dad and stepmom couldn't see what a beautiful town it is, but maybe someday, and we do need a little space from each other right now. It had been about seven months since I'd seen my mom, though. I do hope to see my brother some time, at some point, it's been I think two years since I've seen him. He needs to hop a flight from San Fran to here or drive, it's about 10 hrs....I think anyway lol.

Okay, good, I was able to write about all that.

There is so much to worry about and I am trying not to worry about it. I did do good tonight and when my mood plummeted when we got home , not immediartely but an hour or so after, I said to myself and even wrote down, "This is just a mood. It is only temporary. It will go away and I will feel better and functional again. I will be patient and wait for it go away." over and over. To remind myself not to panic and wait for it to pass. So maybe I'm doing better with the whole mood regulation thing but it still drives me crazy.

RM and I both were tired and zonked out tonight.

Tomorrow is another day, though.

She just went to bed. She didn't say goodnight though. She probably didn't want to bother me, but I like it when people say good night. It has a nice feeling of closure to the day. It's a final connection to sustain you through the night. Would it be stupid to ask her to say goodnight? I would have said it first except by the time I realized she was downstairs she was already gone.
We are both in an open area where a goodnight could be heard no matter where she is so it's not a matter of being in a different room./

12:47. Well that killed an hour or two. Should go to bed by 2 or 3 I suppose.

Damn countdowns on Sunday morning instead of evening so I can't listen.

I am thinking of Bend vs here. and when to go . still. It all comes down to this I guess, I am afraid sometimes, ok most of the time, that something in the house is making me react/sick as I feel pretty icky when I walk into the living room area (which is most of house due to open plan). I get used to it and can tolerate it most of the time....it usually works out ok....but it still scares me.
Get foggy and lately a couple times I have even had trouble physically speaking which is a really scary thing. It doesn't last long, but still. It doesn't seem right.

But I can't tell if my doubts are valid or not, if it'd be like this or some similar problem anywhere, if it's worth making a fuss over.

On the other hand, I love RM so much I feel if I stick around for another month there are so many lessons about social relationships and emotions and friendships and communications that I can learn, that I need to learn, that I want to learn. And maybe hopefully master the washing your clothes thing. I dunno. I feel like it would be a crime to leave her now.

And of course there is the humidity but not as bad last 2-3 days and tolerable so far.

My mom thinks I should give Bend a try but make sure to try to leave this option open unless I want to come back, if I do. I don't know if that will work with RM and her getting or not getting other roommates but I shall certainly try and we shall see.

I think I am becoming rather paranoid about mold which is not a good thing.

I do not like that it will be rainy all week this week . Cold , miserable, and not sure if we have enough wood to make fires to heat the house.

I want to write more but enough for now. It is important to me to write down every detail so I remember . I write about the good things as if my life depended on it, sometimes it feels , becaise I have this feeling in me "What if I am never able to have good moments again" what if it all falls apart etc what if this is the last one? all kinds of disaster, crisis, maladaptive thinking. So I cherish and treasure every moment, or try very hard to, to take me through the blach abyss that so oftten comes in between good moments. I want to havbe it to look back on.

I just did word count on this , 3329 words. If I could only focus that much to do the same for the ebook Im supposed to be writing I would have made $40. Man I hope I can focus on that soon. I need to make money. Ha.

Ok...Night
Kate