Ramblings for a Tuesday

Well, I have a million thoughts flying thru my head as usual so I will try to write them out.

I just had a good long conversation with my roommate. My, it was great and we laughed and I felt connected and in awe as usual but the problem was there was so many switches in topics that my mind went on overload a bit - it can process a long convo on one topic pretty well, but too many topics at once and it fizzles. Luckily we stopped before it got to that point. I had to sit quietly and let my brain process it for a while after, though. Definitely worth it. :)

ANyway. My mom is coming on Saturday like I said. She got a job offer in Eugene. 2 hrs from here. I was super nervous about it because I wasn't gonna be able to go into the rental car, and therefore not really be able to do anything with her. Super nervous about telling her that. BUT, it turns out, that RM is working at the co-op Saturday afternoon! WOOHOOO! AND, is having dinner with a friend. So, she will be going in at the exact time I was hoping to meet my mom, and staying until about the time my mom wanted to leave - perfect! So now we can have a day together with no hassles and no worries (of the rental car kind anyway) Haha. No obvious ones anyway.

So, here is what I plan to do. Oh yeah I forgot about the farmer's market. I need to get a tie dye shirt there. Yes. So we will meet at the farmer's market at noon. I will get my tie-dye. Then I will use my magical directional skills to take us to the bayfront. We will walk around the bayfront and see the sights. And the wharfs and hopefully some fishermen skinning fish, as a bonus. I will make sure she tries the salmon on a stick and/or the salmon candy. Then we we will walk to the state park, which is about 10 minutes away and has some of the most stunning views I have ever seen of the bay along the way. I mean, I never get tired of those views. Just unbelievable. Then, we get to the state park. Hopefully she won't want to walk on the beach too much because I am so sick of walking through sand. But maybe a little bit. Then, RM said you can get to Nye Beach on Elizabeth Street directly from the SP, so I will have to try that out on Thursday to make sure I can do it, I only know the long way. We will go to Nye Beach and see that beach. That one is maybe better to walk on, but it depends on the wind. We could go into the bakery perhaps. That is where Cafe Stephanie is that I went the other day. I hope she won't want to go into shops because I can't, but I suppose if she really wanted to I could wait out on the sidewalk for her for a few minutes. Might make me jealous, though. Maybe I should tell her if she wants to go into shops, she should do it in the morning before I get there. Or maybe I should just wing it. That's better.

Then we have to find a place for dinner, she wanted Local Ocean but there's a weird smell on that side of the Bayfront so I don't think that's a good idea. Her other idea was Sharks and their menu looks okay and maybe we could do take out or sit on the wharf. Otherwise RM suggested either Canyon Way or someplace I can't remember in Nye Beach, I need to check out those 2 places on Thursday.

Stop the presses! lol. I just looked up the website of Cafe Mundo. Omg I NEED TO GO THERE. lol. Everyone has told me how wonderful it is but it isn't open till 4 and I am never in Nye Beach that late. Of course the chicken ceaser that RM got me from the airport was just decent but who needs more than that....the dressing was good but the chicken was kind of weird. Anyway whatever.

They have a grilled mesquite steak on the menu, I could so go for that. And outside seating, and a creme brulee. Mmmm I could go for a creme brulee.

AND, Rm said the floors downstairs are concrete. I kind of wish she had told me that earlier, I die for places with concrete floors, they are usually the only places I can tolerate..... I would have made a much bigger effort to get there earlier if I knew :) But of couyrse she didn't know to tell me. Anyway so on Thursday I will try Mundo out and see. It would be cool if I could tolerate it, if not outside seating.

So if my mom isnt too freaked out by my email abpit the renral car problems...should be good.

Man, I had other things I wanted to write about but they may have to wait. I was going to do some more reflection of the meaning of joy question. But that cna wait.

Keep zizagggin in deccision about when to go to Bend. At this point it looks like it will be end of the month or first week of July.

I love RM so much that despite the things I do like it does seem wiser. Valuing relationships over materialistic things - isn't that what's important in life?

I still have to post my pictures from Seal Rock 2 days ago. Tomorrow.

Also I am just beginning to get really familiar with and enjoy Newport so anothe reason t ostay. Weather is wild card. Plus tourists.

RM got email tonight that said somehting about a seminar on invasive coastal species. I said, "Oh, do you mean tourists?" Hahahah. I gotta remember that one.

Anyway where was I, getting distracted here.

I have to do my writing for the e-book I was hired to write at some point too. Not sure when. Maybe Sunday night. Dah. Not good. I'd like to get a chapter a week out but that just might not happen.

Tomorrow we are going to have company over. RM's friend and her 2 kids are coming.
Wonder if weather will be nice to me and let me go outside. I should clean out the fridge.
And load pics.

You know it's amazing. RM wanted me to wash a knife with some soap tonight.... I am nervous about soap and etc so asked if I could use something to cover my hands... But the whole interaction....so respectful, so easy, so drama free.... I keep having these angry voices in my head...every time I do anything. They are the voices of all my family.....judging everything I do.... yelling at me about God knows what. And I keep expecting RM to be the same way, but time after time after time again she proves that she is not like that all. I keep expecting all the negative comments, but she's not like that. She's a real class act. No problem is too big for her - NOTHING! She works EVERYTHING out calmly, rationally, with respect. I love her! I have never had so much respect or admiration for someone in my life. She'll get frustrated over something and be laughing 2 minutes later.

You know, theory of mind - so important in autism. I'm starting to realize - maybe a LITTLE bit - that people can be angry, stressed or frustrated over things not relating to me. I'm so used to having people get stressed out because of me and in my presence as a result of me, and so I just kinda automaticallt assume anyone stressed out is so because of me. Self cewntered I know bit true for most of my life. But I realized tonight, when she was frustrated over something, that I inadvertently had a part in, (she's a vegetarian and I eat nothing but chicken so...) but then was laughing like I said 2 minutes later.... showing me that ..... yes, people can be bothered by somethign but it's not like an end all be all of things... it's not like....they don't hate you because of one little thing. They can be frustrated but move on. Things can be bad without being horrible. Being upset or frustrated is not the end o the world.

It made me feel just a little bit lighter. It feels like my whole world is coming to an end when I sense someone is unhappy with me - but just maybe, living around RM will change that. Maybe I will start to realize social truths that have thus far eluded me. I hope so , anyway, but like she said, I will not put her on a pedestal - she's just human and no one's perfect- but I'll take i t any day.

That in itself is the best reason for staying. I feel like more of a person, more of a human, when I'm with her. I almost feel like I'm learning to *become* more human. Slowly - oh so slowly - but surely.

Maybe little by little I will be able to realize that not everything is a crisis - I have had so much crises and crisis thinking over the last 2 yrs that I am afraid my brain has become a little addicted to it and it's hard not to think about everything in that way.

But time heals all, right?

For what it's worth, KNOCK ON WOOD, certain health problems, such as the severe brain fog, have not been unwelcome visitors for the entire last week, and I have been very happy about that. While I still worry and have some problems I have not had obsessive, acute worry about health problems in almost a week and I need to be thankful for that.

I did stop a particular medication around the time things got better, and I have to wonder if that was what was to blame, but it had never given me that problem before.

I still have some brain fog but not the disabling kind or nearly as much as before. So that is good.

Okay I have emails to write before bed and its 2am.... RM stayed up a bit late due to us talking and her getting home late and some other things so I got a late start, too.

She cares about me so much. She cares about my needs. She respects me. I have never heard the words "I'm going to work around your needs" in my life I don't think. It is amazing and fills in some way that craving I have had for so long for someone to put me first just once in a while and to care about my needs.

Okay - bed now. Thurs aft go out .

Kate