Christmas lessons about sensory integration

I am going to kill someone if I hear one more reference to Jesus, angels, stables, come all ye faithful, or anything else remotely related to Christmas.

Which means I can't turn the radio on. Which is somewhat difficult.

Luckily, I have had online radio on all night and it has saved at least part of my sanity. Thank God for online stations. Okay, wait, who's bringing God into this?

I am so braindead I can't believe what I did. My computer froze and I had to reboot it. Hate when that happens. So while I was waiting, I thought I'd surf the radio dial to see how many different Christmas songs I would hear, and maybe do a summary of them or something. Instead of music, however, when I started surfing, I heard voices. A movie. Something decidedly non music. It turned out it was a radio drama. Not a book on tape but like a real movie, only on the radio. I thought that was kind of cool. Since I can't watch movies or TV anymore, I am a sucker for the human voice, I guess. The radio drama drew me in. I had no idea what it was about or what it was, but it sucked all my attention. I couldn't focus or think about anything else but the voices on the radio. Now, in some cases, this is a good feeling, because, you know, it means you're relaxed and all that jazz. But. This wasn't a good feeling.

So I continued to listen. It was like watching a movie, only listening to it on the radio. I am well aware this was the primary form of entertainment in the olden days, radio dramas, before TV came about. So, I felt like I was paying homage to the past or something like that. I figured it must be some kind of Christmas story on the religious station, but it wasn't overtly religious at first.

Well, it got religious pretty fast, but at first it wasn't. Something about a kid who had no name and he's traveling to Bethlehem to find out who his family is. Not a kid, a 30 yr old. He was raised by a merchant who found him on the side of the road. (At first I thought this must mean he was Jesus, but apparently not.) So he goes to Bethlehem to find out the truth. Turns out 30 yrs ago there was a big massacre, and all the infant sons were killed. Still not sure why. I think it's because the sheperds told everyone the son of God had been born and the king was afraid of competition, so he killed all the infant babies. Seriously. That's what they said.

So, everyone hated the shepards because their news made the king kill everyone. When this guy, called Anom because he has no name (I'm assuming short for anonymous), comes and shows this blanket that he was born with everyone gets really mad and tells him to get the hell out. Because the blanket talks about Jesus, whose name was responsible for all the babies getting killed.

So then he goes to see the shepards. They tell him the full story. The sheperd knew his dad so yada yada many stories about that. He finally finds out his name. It's Steven. (Guess he wasn't Jesus after all.) Then he's about to leave town having filled his mission, but he gets word that Jesus is in town performing miracles. So he goes back to the sheperd. Jesus comes, they're all amazed, wanna hear his words of wisdom, yada yada. That's the point at which I stopped listening.

I can't figure out if the story would have made more or less sense if I was better acquainted with the actual Christmas story, Bible, etc. It took place in Israel though. Yay Israel. Seems weird to me that all the Christmas stuff took place in a Jewish state. But whatever. I'm really not religious at all.

In fact, since I hate religion and Christmas so much, I can't figure out why I listened to that for an hour. When I had other things I really wanted to be doing. It destroyed my concentration. It was the first time in two days I felt able to get things done. I was about to do so. But then that came on and out the window went my concentration.

In fact, it put me in a state of sensory overload. Apparently, that's not hard to do these days. I think I am suffering from a combination of sensory overload and sensory deprivation. You might think those are contradictory, and opposites, but when you think about it, not really. If you read about the theory of sensory integration, you know that people need the exact right amount of stimulation to thrive and be able to function. People with sensory problems either are too sensitive to stimuli and need less, or too undersensitive and don't get enough. But the two are not mutually exclusive. Everyone needs the right *kind* of stimuli to be able to function. Some examples of stimuli that are good for most people are: talking to another human being, interacting with another human being, various physical movements or exercise, visual stimuli as in not seeing the same four walls every minute of every day, gustatory stimuli (taste, eating); intellectual stimuli; and all other kinds that can be felt through the five senses.

Everyone is different in how much is enough and optimal. But I think when you live alone, don't talk to people very much, can't go hardly anywhere, have a very limited diet, and do pretty much the same one or two activities every day, you are losing brain cells and connections, unfortunately. Your brain is losing the ability to do a wider amount of activity and handle and process a larger amount of activity or stimuli that it once did. And you are more apt to feel "turned off," or brain dead, or just plain blah. Because you're not getting enough stimuli.

At the same time, you can be very over-responsive to the stimuli you do have: music, smells, the feel of clothing, even the thoughts in your head. If you go out, you can easily be overstimulated by people, conversation, cars wooshing around you, the smell of exhaust, smells in the environment, multitasking, and yes, the thoughts in your head.

So I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Except to say that it appears that having too little stimuli not only leaves you feeling far less than your best and somewhat non-functional at times, but it also makes you far, far more reactive to stimuli when you do get it. And I think that's a really bad combination. Hmm. I can't say this would be true for everyone. But I think it would be. Because while most autistic people like to be alone a good part of the time, and to control their environment and not have too much sensory stimulation, there is a difference between being "alone" and in a calm environment and being able to relax and be happy because you have the optimal amount of stimulation, and between having a calm environment but still feeling blah because you don't have enough stimulation. And I think anyone who got far less than their ideal amount of stimulation would eventually lose some of their ability to deal with more.
It's like pruning brain cells or something. You have to use them, or you'll lose them. Theoretically, you could probably get them back and retrain the brain cells, but it would probably be hard and distressing.

I can't tell if it's that theory or a chemical reaction or something else that is making me feel so non functional and completely brain fogged and out of it most of the time. But it is an extremely frustrating feeling.

Back to our Christmas story as it is relevant. So, as I was listening to this crazy overly religious radio story, my mind was reacting to the emotion and tone of the narrator's voices, and wanting more. It wanted the emotional connection of listening to nuanced human voices. So I listened.
(I do think that is why movies used to overwhelm me so much. Before the physical problems of movie watching started. The actors were too nuanced; too much sensory and emotional information; between that and the music, it was an emotional roller coaster.)

Then I thought to myself, well Gosh, I haven't watched a movie in so long, maybe if I lie down I can get into this story and be able to relax for once, and it will be like watching a movie, even if it is about Christmas. So I debated it for a few minutes and decided to try. But I was overwhelmed when I lied down and listened to it. Who knew you could get sensory overload from lying in a bed listening to the radio? It is so hard to explain. But I couldn't relax. The voices on the radio overwhelmed me. The music, the nuances of the voices, trying to follow the words and the story, it was too much. Perhaps it is harder to process information when in a less alert state such as being prone. Sometimes I swear I have an overload just sitting in an empty quiet room. Perhaps it is my thoughts and feelings, my worries, and my sensory interpretation of say, the clothes on my skin, the way the air feels and smells, and so on. But all I can say is, damn, sensory integration problems are a real challenge, to put it mildly, when you can feel overwhelmed in an empty room. I am beginning to hate it.

So, I listened for an hour, giving it a try, thinking, hey, at least I'm doing something different than being on the computer. I tried to go back on the computer when I got up. I had two important things I wanted to do. But I couldn't. I had lost all focus and concentration, and the brain fog had taken over again. I was so frustrated. I had some ideas for writing that I have wanted to follow up on, but I couldn't. The hours when I am functional enough to do anything seem way too few and far between, and my worrying about how and when I'm going to be functional enough to do anything sometimes seems out of control. Even though I use every mental strategy in my disposal to control them, sometimes it's not enough when you really don't have anything else to focus on.

I want to get things done so I will feel meaningful and useful and productive. So I will feel some kind of worth. But then I think to myself, you know, how long again until my problems overtake me? How long until I have to give up the ploy that my life is you know worth something?
Why try so hard. It's just so frustrating to have so many problems that affect every single area of your life almost every single minute of the day. You try and try to just overcome it and not think about the things that bother you and not be overwhelmed and be productive anyway. So that you can you know be a not miserable person and try to find some value in your life and keep living life even though you don't really want to. Because one really has no choice; one has to live the life they have; opting out is not an option. But is just so hard, and so frustrating. Especially when things go wrong. I have found I have a very low stress tolerance for anything going wrong. If I prepare for it, of course, I can usually handle it; (hence the success of "social stories" used in autism); I can handle quite a lot, it seems, given adequate time to prepare for it. But it's the things that strike you out of the blue that really put you in a million pieces until you can figure out how to reassemble them again.

So I say in closing then that the lack of any meaningful stimulation is getting to me and perhaps all the negative stimulation of my problems is getting a bit much. I sincerely hope I can find some kind of positive stimulation to distract from problems soon, which could only come in the form of someone visiting me and opening my world a little so I can get beyond the confines of Main Street. There are several MCS people who have said they want to visit me and will try to visit me, but in two months it has not yet happened. I can only hope it will soon. I can't imagine how much I will appreciate being in a car again and seeing scenery that is not downtown Liberty again. Not to mention communication, conversation, and food that hopefully tastes good. If, of course, I am not too overwhelmed by such things to enjoy them, which I hope I will not be.

One person told me she might be able to visit after January 4. One person has told me she would visit for six weeks now. She "might" over break. Another said they would come this weekend but with no details planned or further email to communicate, I doubt it. One is most likely going to come January 20 when she drops her daughter off at school, but that is a long time away.

Oh, and there's another potential opportunity that I met recently, but she keeps saying she will call me and hasn't yet. I mean, I know it's the holidays, people are busy, I don't blame her. But I will be really happy if she does, and if we get along. And I am finding it hard to be patient. And would like something to look forward to. How hard it is to be motivated to do anything and to have a positive attitude and overcome challenges when you don't have anything to look forward to!

Especially since I seem to not be able to eat any of the food I used to enjoy without adverse reactions, when, of course, I can even get said food, finding something I enjoy is becoming quite a bit more difficult.

I do of course take walks every day, and the stimulation and excercise is usually invigorating, and at least temporarily puts me into a much better mental state, cognitively and emotionally. I wouldn't be able to survive this pseudo-imprisonment (yes, I know, it's a chemically safe place, mostly, and I am thankful for that, but it doesn't make not having a life all that much easier) if I didn't take walks every day. Even when it's raining or snowing or sleeting or 10 degrees or whatever. I have gone out for at least 10-15 minutes every day (on the worst of days), and usually more like 30 or 40 if the temperature is closer to 30. And I do go to the natural food store, so I have somewhere to go at least, it's a lot better than nothing, but , there is obviously not a lot to do there, and it would just be nice to have something else. And of course they are closed Thursday through Sunday for Xmas, so, the lack of stimulation will be staggering.

Now excuse me while I try to solve half a dozen problems before I go to sleep. At least I'll probably get up late enough that the Xmas music SHOULD be over by then. By 6 at the latest I am sure. What a relief that will be. And if I'm really lucky hopefully I will be able to get the stuff I was going to do tonight done tomorrow. Ya know, if I've managed to keep my sanity that long.
I did start it at least, before that show came on. And writing this did make me feel slightly better.

I hate Christmas.

Kate