I am back in Maine!

First things first: it is much easier to type on the computer than sitting on the floor. I am in a much more natural position, and it just flows. Sitting on the floor to use the computer is apparently a no no. No wonder I got so much done in Eugene and struggled so much in NY.

I am actually happy to be back at my dad's house. I never thought I'd say that in a million years. But, Danielle's house was dark, cold and had some mold issues I believe. I NEVER felt right, I never felt alert, or awake, or functional in that house. I just couldnt function without, well most of all light . Dark and dim places just make my brain shut down. The house was nice but .... a cold, dark and maybe moldy room, not so much. And the water of course.

My dad's house is so wonderfully lit, light everywhere. It's WARM . And I just took the most wonderful shower with non toxic water. So those things are good.

The trip actually went quite well. I was VERY surprised! 5.5 hours door to door. EXACTLY like Mapquest predicted, and not a minute longer. No traffic, didnt even have to make any bathroom stops. No public bathroom, no trauma. Almost no stress. Amazing. Kellie and her grandparents were fine and no fragrances. Talked to them for most of it, slept for maybe an hour listenng to cd. Stopped 20 min at rest stop outside of Worcester in Ma.

Far different from how I had imagined - I had imagined trauma beyond belief, not being able to tolerate the car for 5 min, being toxed by public bathrooms and justr generally not coping. Also afraid trip would take hours more cus of traffic.

It's wonderful when things turn out better than you expect. Reminder that you never know; you can be SURE the worst will happen in mind but if you're patient and calm enough to wait and see what happens, you might be surprised.

But had mini breakdown last 20 min. I woke up and lo and behold we were in Scarborough already! My God! 20 min left and I started to panic. I didnt want to go to my dad's. I was really panicked about it. I just couldn't imagine how it was going to work. I had to talk myself down for it for 20 min and I was still scared.

But you know what, it went okay. I made sure to make conversation and keep my fears at bay. I walked in the house and didnt let any smells get to me. I was patient with myself. Made small talk even if uncomfortable. Went for short walk. Talked a little more after, dinner although nothing I could eat but was okay, the point is everything was civil. We made civil conversartion. No meltdowns, no criticisms, civilness. I was glad.

I thought about it and I don't want to push my luck past 24 hrs so I am moving to Falmouth tomorrow. But I am immensely relieved that at least so far I have managed 8 hours or so in my dad's house without any emotional regressions, breakdowns or conflicts. I don't want to push it though. We're leaving at 1 tomorrow so it will be an early night for me, plus I am tired from trip.
Going over there, goign to be calm, going to walk around Portland if it's nice out, going to meet Rob for dinner and go to to Whole Foods. I am actually feeling a little bit hopeful. And thankful for my parents helping me as much as they have so far.

Bent my back out of shape but other than I am feeling hopeful. And had a great, great shower, it felt so good to be clean! lost my shampoo so thats damn annoying and will have to mail order some more. But I stood in the hallway in my towel after the shower for must have been 20 minutes just enjoying the sensation of being clean, and in a well lit hallway that just made me feel good....and reflected on how important environment is...and mindset .

May I have the patience to keep achieving my goals. Maybe if you dont try to predict so much what will happen things will happen in their own time? If only I could learn that lesson, I try so much. The only good thing about moving so much is it forces my brain into different places it wouldnt go otherwise. I get stuck in thought patterns and moving shakes me loose of them and lets me think of things in a new light. That's not why I move of course; I'd rather not move. I move because of MCS. But it's an interesting and welcome side effect.

Here's to hope.
Kate