Anatomy of a Thought Process

Anatomy of a Thought Proccess

QUICK background: due to not having heat in the room here and not being allowed a space heater, and generally not getting along well with living with non MCS roommates (even if mostly fragrance free but not all FF which is a problem), as well as two small kids, I have had to look for other arrangements, yes, again. But this time still in same state at least. Remembered I knew a MCS woman in Rhinebeck, 2 hrs from here, and contacted her and by chance she had a room she wanted to rent, a large one with more privacy than I am used to, so I am hoping that works out. I need to live with MCS people to be MCS safe. Anyway I have been trying to get there and the person who was going to take me didn't show up today; we had been planning it for most of the week. This was written in reflecting on the events of the day.

I was supposed to go to Rhinebeck to see a place to live today and had made plans with someone who was going to take me. I had been preparing for it and building up for it all weekend and for most of the week before. I had spent much worrying, thought, anticipation, etc on it. I made a point to go to bed hours earlier than normal and get up for me rather early to go, and believe me, I didnt really want to get out of bed. So when the appointed hour of 12:30 came, and I was tired and cranky and wanted to get on with it, I was a little peeved when no one showed up. And even more so when I couldn't get her on the phone. When the half an hour mark passed and she still wasn't there, I was more than a little upset. But looking back on the whole thing provides interesting insights on the process of dealing with change and the basic flexibility that we have to exercise as human beings. I would guess that everyone must go thru a similar process like this to adjust to new things in life, but perhaps people with Asperger's have it a bit harder than others. I wonder if anyone else's thought process looks like this. It seemed a good way to illustrate a very common process in life.

12:30pm: I hope she comes

12:40pm Well, I have to give her 15 min to be late...

1pm OMG, My world will be over if she doesn't come; I HAVE to get to Rhinebeck today!

1:05 pm calling woman whose house it is, who knows K "Surely she can do something and get a hold of K for me"

1:20pm If I call the other people I know from Craigslist ,someone will be able to take me

2pm Okay, well, I guess it's not the end of the world if I don't go today. I guess I can find other things to do to fill the day. I guess I can be okay with going tomorrow.

2:30pm Made plans with someone else to go tomorrow and am somewhat ok with it

It is interesting to me to observe so specifically and in detail the process of going from a state of panic and not being able to accept or even entertain an idea ("She's not coming") to being able to come to terms with and accept the idea. I wish I knew how to speed up the process, but it ocurs to me you need to go thru all the stages - Worry (that it might or is happening), Denial (no, this can't be happening, I won't let it), Bargainning ("Surely there is something I can do to avoid this, if I just...") and finally Acceptance and Finding Other Alternatives ("Well, I guess this isn't so bad, I can deal with this, and I'll have to do X instead.")

Sometimes the process happens so quickly, from near panic to almost total acceptance in a little more than an hour, that you can really observe all the different stages and be amazed that you can feel each one so acutely, and yet, they change. Most of the time especially with more difficult events in life, this process takes a LOT longer to go thru, and you can be stuck in one stage for a very, very long time. But the important thing to remember is you do eventually go thru the stages, and acceptance of whatever the problem is and ways to work around it will eventually come. Things will change. But rarely have Iseen this so well illustrated as I did today.

Really, I have to go thru this process everytime anything bothersome happens to me, to try to accept it. Often I have to do it verbally with someone or online with someone. People tell me they dont understand what the purpose of me "hashing things out" is when I need to talk about them, and that drives me crazy. I never put it into words before but I realize now - every conversation where I talk about problems - I am going through these four stages. I can be an absolute mess at the beginning, in a complete panic, but by the end, I have worked through it and managed to accept it .I guess I just need the space to be able to do that. I wish it was quicker sometimes but at least I am able to work it out. Some people just get stuck in anger or worry I guess but I can't stand those states for long soI do try to come to peace about things.

Can anyone relate?