Going back to Maine

From Portland to Portland and beyond. That was the name I gave this blog when I left Maine to go to Oregon seven months ago. Little did I know how true that would end up being. I have been to the farthest reaches of the West coast - a small town on the Pacific coast - to more central parts of Oregon, to New York state, and now I am fulfilling the second part of the destiny and coming back to Maine, back to Portland. Who says you can't go home again, indeed.

I found a fragrance free person on Craigslist, who lives in Falmouth. Falmouth is the next town over from the town I grew up in, Cumberland. The house this guy lives in is right by Town Landing Market, which I biked to several times a week as a kid growing up. Lots of nostalgia there. I love it. I love the idea of going back to where I grow up. I am hoping it will feel like "home," a sense of belonging and rightness that has been absent for so long, that I have been seeking and feeling the absence of so acutely.

I know when I came back from Montana, I couldn't believe how good it felt to be back in Maine. In fact, every time I have come back to Maine, I have remarked that it feels like home, so good, so right.

So I am hoping this time will be no exception. I'm tired of New York, and tired of moving.

That I could find a place to live near Portland but not at my parents' seems something of a miracle. I must remember to be thankful for that. When there was no other option - something came up. I was provided for.

Somehow. I know there will be oh so many problems. There already are! But maybe I have a chance. I know there will be so much to get over. The clothes are the biggest problem. I am worried to death over my clothes situation. Having 2 pairs of clothes just doesn't work, especially when no good way to wash them. But I have to make it work some how.
There are many areas of my life where I am not functioning very well at all in right now. But I have to be patient as I figure out ways to overcome these obstacles.

Maybe the memories and thought of the sea breeze, getting roast beef, grilled veggies and other goodies at Whole Foods and wandering around, walking around Portland, seeing Town Landing, walking to the ocean, and just being in a place I can call home will overcome the worry and anxiety about whether or not my clothes smell, and how long I will feel sick from whatever I just got toxed from, and how I am going to function without, well, any functional clothes save two.

Maybe it can give me the strength I need to fight my battles. I hope so.

Dare I say it, maybe even a sense of adrenaline. I want this, I want to do this. I want Maine, in whatever form I can get it in .Do I wish I had more concrete ways of .... functioning? More concrete things to ....look fwd to? Yes. But I know I want Maine. I will make it work, right? Maine is Maine is Maine is Maine.

Even to just go out for a walk with my music will be good enough.

I need to get myself excited. Okay. I will not let the incident from tonight bother me. Was toxed tonight byt something.
I will think of the good.
I am going to go to bed, not get much sleep but oh well, I am going to get up and I will be excited. Maine! I will get msyelf up. I will go eat. I have red pepper AND garlic hummus. Yum! I love hummus I. I made cute rice cracker and roast beef and hummus sandwhiches. So cute, so good. The beef, cracker and hummus flavor all meld together perfectly. Okay, I will get up and eat . I will Calmly, Patiently figure out what the last minute things I need to do to be ready are. I will calmly, patiently roll the pillow and blanket in foil and put in trash bag and close. I will put last minute things in suitcase and make them fit somehow. I will have salad before I go. I will make sure to give D a check before I go. I will ask her about the clothes and donating them. Calmly. When Kellie comes I will calmly help her figure out how to fit all the stuff into the car. Calmly and not worriyng about what goes where and how mcuh can fit. We will figure it out. I will remember stuff from porch. I will not freak out about smells in the car, or on her. I will not freak out about smells in the kitchen or other possible belongings. I can wash them if have to. I will make sure I have all my food accessible. I will remember the good, how kind Jill and Josh were to help me out so much at the health food store. What a beautiful lovely town this was. I will calmly get in and we sill start driving. We will pick up her grandparents. I will be calm. I will talk to Kellie, listen to music if can, look at scenery, play games with her maybe. I will eat my food, crackers, meat and so on. I have bison, half got cooked well, the other half too pink but whatever, will eat other half. Steak that tastes terrible. So worried I am completely spoiled by the Nature's Place organic beef. Must not think of that. More roast beef than I can possibly eat. THREE QUARTERS of a lb of roast beef. Sheesh. Like I really needed that much. lol, I won't go hungry, thats for sure. So, be calm, try to sleep, take lorazepem to calm if needed. When go to public restroom stay calm and don't freak out. Go in quickly, come out, dont worry about being toxed, know reaction will pass. I have trisalts I bought, so hopefully I can take those and it will help with reaction. Distract. Distract self until get to Maine, and be glad to get to Maine

listen to my im a survivor cd

I've got to keep my sense of humor, I've got to find things to laugh about.
Music.

I was born three months to early, but must have had my mama's will and God's amazing grace, I think I'll keep on living, because ...something....I'm a survivor (Reba McEntire)

It is worth it for Whole Foods. I need something concrete to look fwd to so that is it. WF and Portland.

When I get to my dad's I will be calm. I will not be over emotional when I go inside. I will not freak out over smells. I will not let emotional memories of the past overtake me. I will use bathroom, put stuff in, make small talk. I hope I can tolerate living room and kitchen, couldnt last time due to remodeling. Been 7 months so I sure hope so. If not, dont panic. I will sit on couch if can make small talk tell about adventures, trip, Daniele, PJ, all the interesting people I met here. Hopefully there will be something to eat. Eat it, dont worry. Hopefully can go on compuyter. Don't worry about sleeping situation Just sleep. Take shower, that will feel so good after no decent shower water fora while. Don't take criticisms to heart. Know you have always found a way to survive before and you always will again. Get good sleep, take walk Monday if not raining. Find things to do. Ask if she can take me to WF for groceries after Falmouth so have food. Ask ifany winter thjngs can borrow if need them, ask for something to wash clothes in, dont worry, dont take thingsseriously. Food will be worked out. I hope. Make the best fof it . Go to Falmouth either Mon or Tues. Don't let any smells there bother you; nothing is permanent. Be calm, relaxed, courteous. Don't let yourself feel anythign too much at first give time to get used to it. Make do with what you have. Remember the alternatives. There ARE no alternatives. Altern is worse than can imagine so try to make best of it.
Go to Portland, I hope, walk around and enjoy it! Go to Portland, WF, meet Rob for dinner, enjoy it as much as possible.
Walk to ocean and let that relax you.
Call therapists re in house meeting.
Mariane re meds.
Yarmouth Taxi re taxi maybe
Case managers
warm line
Friends

There are options, possibilities, choices in Maine. I will do whatever it takes to get there. I will calm myself enough to know there is always a solution. I am strong enough and brave enough to be calm enough to wait for that solution, while I try to figure out asolution. It isn't the end.

I will keep fighting on.

Life is worth it.

I hope. :)

Washing clothes worries me, but somehow I will find a way to have clean clothes, somehow! How ironic that that is basically my single biggest problem in life, everyone needs something right?

I will do it. I will slay this dragon. And I will be proud of myself because I don't need anyone else to do it for me, right? I can be.

(However will gladly accept other people being proud and happy and so on if they so desire)

Okay..... I will do it .

Just had to write that all out and get my mind in a better place.

I will be strong against what happened tonight with toxedness and when I go into kitchen ignore the feeling, I can do this, I will do this

Kate