College roommates come to visit; thoughts on where to live

10pm Friday night, long day, thoughts going all over place

1. Old college roommates came today. Man oh man. It was a good day but a long one. Got myself out of bed , waited for them to come, oh but it really was so nice to see them. I love them. I love Allison's face. I mean just looking at it. She radiates care, concern, sympathy, comfort, and just familiarity - she radiates Allison. She radiates ...... this personthat I feel so comfortable with. How could I have forgotten how comfortable I feel with her? How could I have forgotten how good being with her makes me feel? How safe? I had forgotten because I took it for granted, back when I was in college and had her as much as I wanted, all the time. I hadn't seen her since then. We've kept in touch over the years, certainly, on the phone. Sometimes months would go by but we always stayed in touch. She always supported me and understood me and accepted everything, even the most bizarre and quirky parts of MCS, without a second thought.
And I missed Claire's easy humor, the way she puts things, just again that "Claire"ness. She can always make you laugh. She brought her 9 month old baby girl who was adorable to look at and play with. And take pictures of - she was VERY photogenic.
It was great to be in the same room as them. It was great to see them... Allison, with her long blonde curly hair - she's grown it out since college! - her glasses and inquisitive eyes that don't miss anything; Claire with her easy laugh, her straight brown hair, Miriam on her shoulder or lap... all three of us together.
We talked for a while but it was somewhat stilted at first as these things usually are, and I was feeling brain fogged and out of it as usual, nervous at laundry detergent roommate had used, and a million other things; plus my RM was moving out and that was a distracting level of chaos and activity around us. The babysitter kept the kids blessedly quiet though and I appreciated that.
The air was bothering me outside again, so I didn't want to go out at first. That was fine. We sat and talked and took lots and lots of baby pictures. Reminsced about college memories. it was an effort to speak at times due to feeling foggy but it went okay. I love taking pictures so that part was fun. Then we decided to go out, air wasnt so bad once in it later inday, and I actually felt better , so good. Felt good to be walking down street with college roommates - lived togerther sophomore year at Goucher in Baltimore- with the baby. Went to Front st, drugstore for Allison, got some good pictures of them under the Ballston Spa sign. Hope her pics of me turn out good too, one of me on Front St looked great on the camera; I could really use a good pciture of me. Anyway. Went to health food store, looked at spices, got some crackers, talked about thefood. Got some ginger chews for Allison.
Walked back, talked some more on way back. Had mini meltdown over something at door but got over it and Claire helped a lot. Took a while to get oriented when back inside. And the damn Internet stopped working because roommate who left had taken ethernet cord with her and it took a while to re set it up - tried to do it then and there as Claire offered to help if it didnt work. So... that was stressful but worked eventually. Sat and talked with them, just enjoying being in their presence, I miss that about college, you know, having easily accessible friends? Didnt realize how good it was or I had it because I wanted so much more then, don't we all ?
They had to go...wasgetting late . I showed them my room... we did a prayer before they left. It was beautifu. I used to think I couldnt meditate, or listen to meditation stuff, until like a week ago.
I just had to get up and stretch and I shouldnt have because it totally made me lose train of thought but oh well I will try.
Allison said the most beautiful heartfelt prayer that included things like there being a safe place for me somewhere and me being provided for and lifted up when I needed it. I am not religious but I have come to see that from the right person it doesn't matter what God they pray to, what deity they call theirs, it is the sentiments, thoughts and ideas that matter. They can pray to a God that is not mine and I still feel just as comforted as if I believed in him, because it is coming from their hearts, and it is just nice to believe or imagine that such a thing existed. I suppose it is this same reasoning that allows me to listen to and enjoy country music, lol. And Claire gave a similarly thoughtful but also humorous prayer that had me laughing out loud as well as nodding in agreement and understanding.
I should get into this prayer thing, I don't find it meaningful to do myself but I do find it meaningful to listen to someone else do it.
Maybe a meditation tape would help after all.
Then we sang 'There more we are together the happier we will be" which I suggested because it makes me happy to sing that and it drove home that we were together.
Then they had to go.
Then I had another mini meltdown over something else which was much worse than first and scary but thankfully got over it with phone call relatively quickly.
Then...I called well. Now I am getting too tired to type ths. There is a potential living opportunity in western Ma.
MCS bed and breakfast. Called out of blue to ask if they would do monthly rate. B and Bs dont usually but. He surprised me by saying maybe for January since he is on vacation then. Told me to call back in a couple days and did tonight. Surprised me further by being amenable to what I was asking. Asked if it would be possible to do December 1 since technically that is when I am supoosed to be out. At first said no, but then seemed to change his mind and say that could work. Suggested price to him , again first he said that's too low, but then seemed to change his mind and say, well, you know I could probabyl do that. Is goign to talk to his wife, nothinf definite yet.
So hung up phone stunned and discombulated, amazed that it seemed like I had maybe been able to talk this guy into letting me rent the suite for 2 months, when I totally didn't expect to get anywhere near what I wanted, or that he'd even consider it. There would be several benefits to living in Amherst... it's a great college town with lots of funky shops, or was last time I was there anyway... been a long time. My grandparenrts live by Springfield, 30 min away. There is an Aspergers group there but not sure if accessible due to mcs. There is supposed to be mcs grp but never have found contact info/. There is a therapist who is trained as psych nurse who has MCS and does mcs consulting , from mcs safe home office - that would be REALLY good as I really need therapy of some kind, and I havent gotten it the entire 3 yrs Ive had mcs. I just hope she is still available I am pretty sure she takes Medicare but we'll see.
Thoguth was mcs dr who took insurance too but am told waiting list till May, maybe his partner is better, who knows.
So lots of good things, but it does still leave me feeling apprehensive and not quite sure why. Maybe cus any change is hard. Maybe because even though 2 months is a lot better than 1 , it's still 2 months - and I am tired of having to move eevry 2 months. I have been herew 2 mos. Um I dont know. Not definite yet. Would be weird to live in MA after it being the place Ivisit for so long or have connotations of my grandparents for so long. I am sure they would be delighted. I wonder if I would be able to tolerate their house.

But other thing is, there might be a possibility of a place in Vermont; a roommate situation with another mcs person I found on Craigslist. Part of me is saying can I really give up what could be a long term situation in favor of one that wll last only 2 months? But, roommate situations are really far from the ideal situation for me, let's just say, and if I could have my own place for 2 months I think I should probably take that. I basically decided to start on a medication for my anxiety, Lexapro, that dr suggested as has low side effects and supposed to work more quickly, and damn it, if I could have somewhere safe to go for two months while I waited for the medication to HOPEFULLY work so I could cope better and hopefully deal better with the whole looking for my own space or apt thing, it might really be a good thing. My stepmom thinks I will be in a "much different space" if I do this, and that things will "fall in place." I would hope so.
I mean I know I cant go back to my parents' due to all the conflicts there, so I really need to take anything I can get.
If I could find mcs drs covered by insuance in W.MA I'd do that too of course. Have to hire someone to do driving etc etc but have been able to do that before so . hopefully this time too.
Just so much to think about.
I wonder if the woman who runs the AS group there could help me.
I wonder if my cousin is still in the area.
Oh yea and I almost forgot WHOLE FOODS. Best WF I have ever been to is in Hadley right near there. I really miss and love WF. My budget doesnt but I do lol. mmmmm.
Granted I cant eat most things anymore and so it is not as fun but am sure there is *something* I could find in there to tempt me.
Well anyway.
If I really did leave in 2 weeks thats awfully soon and a lot of preparations would need to be made ahead of time that I am not really surre I could handle, but onthe other hand mayeb is better than waiting and wondering if RM will have room rented on 1st, she doesn't know, and if well if then I'd have to leave anyway so better to know I have a place to go of course. And waiting and wondering if the heat situation is going to get much worse or how much worse amnd when.

But I talk to the Vermont person on Monday so should know more then. I guess it's good to have an option, even tho it's not sure yet, even tho it kind of overwhelms me in other ways, bcs it's better rthan the panic and despair of not knowng whee you are going.

I am so tired...and so overloaded by everthing that happened todat even tho ir was a good day.
Ate dinner early at 8 so that felt weird. 11 now. Will go for snack later. D wnants me t unload dishwasher which i never do at night usually and tired dotnt want to but ewill have to
I want t oload pics tonighjt but dont know
Would be nice to go to bed earlier but dont know
Not sure what tomorow will bring but hopefully rest and less panic I am so tired of the emotion of panic
I hope rest and better air.... is what I hope ha.
Supposed to rain tomorow
Need to email ...family..call...something
Would be good to get writing done by way too out of it for that
Insyrance company didnt approve medication i wanetd to start so not sure if that wll hapen or when
Worried about medical issues and how long I can hold on and keep functioning
Of course dont know for sure I czan tolerate b and b without going there but it was built to be mcs friendly so I imagine it would be ok, but of course dont know. Need to ask more detailed quesitons when I talk to him next.
trying to do food stamp application in ny state but if i leave i iamgien wont be able to but they do phone interviews so i need to. need birth crrtificate, SS card that I dont have rth. damn that ro hell. and i dont think they will accept a copyu. call all offices to see on monday. take a t least 1-2 wks to ge that stuff I'd imagine. Cant do both but. Need to do that before leave. Ugh.
Wonder if Daniele doesnt find someone if maybe we could agree on Dec 7.... the b and b and her. that would give extra week to get ready.
But he's notgoing to rent past end of Jan so.. need to keep that in mind too.
If i could get myself i nbetter shape then it would be great but who knows what woll happen.
i am so tired of craigslist.
okay think I need to go zone out I will survive this all somehow
I am strong
Roomwas bothering me a lot today but a little better now
Damn, will this all work, who knows.
If rented it from him would need specific lease so as nto to run into trouble of some sort..who knows.
if dont load pics can tomorrow i guess
Ok...end of mind dump for now ha
And I would really miss this area nd the health food store and Daniele if I was to leave; after 2 months I have gotten quite used to it and like all of it and Daniele so much. How will I leave it? I hate having to move so much. If it weren't for heat issue I would consider staying. But does not seem wise. To live in such uncertainty. And I will miss my friend PJ very much who I met here. I wis hI could stay somewhere long enuf to put down roots. It's not fair to have to move every 2 months, to live a life constantly dedicated to survival, to just existing, for years on end. Sometimes just want to give up but that wouldnt work either. So I keep moving. It just doesnt work. I dont want to have to move again but no choice. Room downstairs has essential oils l;eft by previous RM and right next to noisy kids playroom; she suggested moving there as it has heat but bcs of those 2 things I dont think it would work. Wish I could stay somewhere here but no place for me here. And I still dont know if I can get country radio stns in Amherst....important to me.May or may not. Would like to visit first but have to pay someone to drive me there and no money unless can borrow it .how much more can my body handle i wonder. Someone in MA, Longmeadow actually wherer my g-parents live, said that you can qualift in ma for caretakers ... housing paid etc.... with AS...but doubt it.... usualyl need low IQ etc sever autism to qualify... call him tomorrow. ned t ostop thinkliung.

Kate