Meeting with Mark and Scott, pictures included

Lighting the candles! Who says you can't celebrate Hanukkah in January?

Me, Mark and Scott (my mom's first cousin and his partner)

Ok I cant think about today unless I write about today.
So, what happened today. Well, Mark and Scott came about 1:30. I was ready in time as I had gotten up early than expected since I was having trouble sleeping which hopefully will not be repeated tonight. I got some chocolates and peanut butter and chocolate pretzels together. When they came I put the groceries they got in the fridge. They got some apple sauce, soup, water, and some challah and rugelah. I have managed not to eat the rugelah and challah yet since it gave me such awful brain fog for 2 days after last time. I figured I wanted to be functional for today and tomorrow at least to get things I need done. What a joke that is! you call this functional? Maybe I should just eat it. But I won't. I'm sure it would be worse.

We started out for a walk and it was an absolutely beautiful, bright as hell sunny day. It was about 30 degrees with a light wind. It wasn't that cold. It wasn't warm either but it wasn't that cold. The sun was so bright the glare of it actually hurt my eyes in my apt. Quite a change for someone who hasn't even been out in daylight in a week; it was nice. I could even feel the sun on my face; it's been a very long time since the sun was strong enough to feel that.

We had a nice walk to the health food store. Unfortunately, they didn't want to go further than that, and I was just getting into it and enjoying talking to them. Eight minutes is a rather short walk. J had said we could use the conference room above the health food store; so we did, but it was too smelly, so I thought we were going to walk some more but she said we could actually sit in the health food store itself instead, since it was closed today. It was awfully nice of her to come from her home and open the store just for us. Very kind. One good thing about a small town, I guess. But I was a little bit frazzled by that because I thought the plan had been if the conference room didn't work to walk around for a bit. The store smelled worse than usual because of a new product they just got, and that was unfortunate. It was tolerable but not great.

They brought some salads from Hannaford. It made me immensely homesick. Reason being, besides just the name of Hannaford, that they got the chicken ceaser I used to get there. I used to go to the South Portland Hannaford behind the Maine Mall and Borders several times a week when I lived in Portland and was amazed that their salad bar and chicken were EXCELLENT. Not just edible or decent, but excellent. The quality of the salad, the dressing, and the chicken especially, all good. Grocery stores almost never have decent salad bars, and that was the only Hannaford I had been into that actually had a salad bar. When Mark said he would try to pick up some salads from Hannaford I thought they would be awful and had completely forgotten how much I used to enjoy their chicken ceasers until I saw it there lying on the table. It made me very sad and very home sick. When I tasted that unique blend of juicy chicken and just right ceaser dressing, I thought I was in South Portland again. I thought I was at Border's, I thought I was at Panera, I wanted that back. It felt so cruel to be sitting in the middle of nowhere New York and eating that South Portland ceaser salad.

And why the hell can't you get ceaser dressing as good as that in stores? Or can you? The little packets of ken's ceaser? never found anything similar in bottles, or maybe I just havent looked in the right places. Thats a joke of course, I havent LOOKED in a freaking normal grocery store in about a year because I havent been able to, but you know what I mean. If i knew it was available I would try to get it. Those Ken's packets are such a staple of salad bars. Think Shaw's might have had them to because I remember Jake getting them when we were kids and how good they were.

Not to mention the insanity of having a grocery store make a $4.99 salad better than one from a fancy Italian resteraunt, which I got last week when Eric came. Sheesh!! Yea Hannaford I'm glad you're such a good company but could you come, I dunno, a little closer?

***

So, I was glad for something decent to eat, but so mournful I couldn't really enjoy it. And I was a little frustrated about having to be in the health food store where I couldnt focus much or talk much. It was much harder to experience a feeling of connection when your brain has turned to so much mush that all you can do is respond with one word or one sentence replies, when you can't be excited, when you can't think about anything but the physical mechanism of talking.

As I said, I usually do okay in the health food store when I am chatting with M and J. But, they got some new products in Friday that have bothered me; not made it impossible to be in there or talk, but certainly made it a lot harder, and made it hard to think about anything but superficial conversation. And I was hoping to have something deeper than superficial conversation; of course I have to learn, I suppose, that casual meetings are supposed to be just that, casual. It's hard, I suppose, to be anything but casual with someone you haven't seen in several years and are meeting for two hours. But there is still a big difference between casual and connected; casual and energetic and spirited; and casual and blase, disconnected conversation (not on their part; on mine.)

But we have to make the best of what we have I suppose.
So we stayed for maybe an hour and then left and walked some more, which was good. I wonder if they could tell a difference between the level at which I was able to communicate inside and outside? Because I sure felt it. As soon as we stepped outside, I was able to relax, I was able to think, I was able to ask questions, I was able to give detailed answers, I was able to smile and laugh and in short be who I am. Inside I could barely answer questions with short, defeated replies. If I ever find out what causes that difference, specifically and chemically, I'll give whoever tells me a million bucks (although I'm sure to do the procedure it will already have cost a million bucks.)

So we walked to the graveyard, but it was too snowy. Still nice and brilliantly sunny, though.

Oh, this is funny. When we walked back, they wanted to go a different way, because they said there was a temple right off my street. I said, what are you talking about, there's not a temple off my street, wouldn't I have seen it? No, they said, if you go this way XYZ it turns into (my street) and there's a temple there. I didn't believe them and didn't really want to go that way but I gave it a try. It was right by where the movie store is at the first intersection of Main - I've been up that road a little ways but not very far at all and always in the dark. At first I thought we had to go down Main St to get there but we didnt. We just walked up that street a little, not very far, and lo and behold there was a HUGE synagogue standing there, basking in the sun. One of the more beautiful ones I've seen too. It had a huge engraving of a menorah on the front of the building! What do you know, trust someone from out of town to teach you about your own town, those New Yorkers, they know how to find everything. :)
They suggested I try to ask people there for help with grocery shopping or other needs, and to try to find a community there - which I think is a great idea. Who knows, I wonder, maybe if it has old wooden floors or concrete floors I could even go in, although it's doubtful. I'll look for a website after I write this.

So I still didnt know where we were, but then we saw the post office - so THAT'S where the post office is, it was huge as well and 5 min away - and I realized it was the end of our street in the opposite direction that I usually go into town. I remember John said the other side of our street hit into the post office and went into town. I had never tried it though, mostly because it was always dark and I dont feel like exploring new things in the dark.

I had gone down to the very EDGE of the street, but all I could see in the dark was another (at the time muddy, uninviting looking) street. Now I know the post office and synagogue is there. So we walked back (the back entrance of the synagogue, which I HAD walked past, is actually on our street). You don't know what it is from behind, though.

When we got back, we found that their car was blocked in and had a note on it that said this was a private parking spot. oops. So we knocked on J's door and S answered and said he would move it. It's actually good that S answered as he hung around for a while and I got to talk to him for a bit which I always enjoy. He said he did not know of the synagogue either, nor of the biking trail that I found online that's on Chestnut. I think it's on Chestnut? I'm actually confused because if I remember right, and I think I do, the map online said the biking trail was at the end of Chestnut. And Chestnut is the street we walked on FROM Main st to get here. Therefore, one would perhaps only have to walk up a small portion of Chestnut to get there, I wonder? I just looked on the website again. It is very frustrating. It does not tell you how to get there or where it is, other than there is an entrance point on Chestnut. That is a huge street. Why aren't they more specific? For all I know it could be on the side of Chestnut that runs opposite to Main St, not the part the borders our street. I emailed them to ask. It would be really, really nice to have somewhere good to walk. Somewhere with no exhaust fumes, no uphills (we're assuming it's flat here, i guess) and that doesn't end after 5 minutes!

So, anyway. This is getting on too long. S was on the porch with us. I gave everyone chocolates and chocolate covered pretzels. Then we lit the menorah! The menorah was my idea. Yes, I know Hanukkah is over. But it doesn't matter. One of the first things I thought about when I thought about coming here after ya all know all the basics and details, was that Mark and Scott lived in NYC, and how much fun it would be to see them again after 5 yrs or so of not seeing them. The second thing I thought about was how it would be the most meaningful thing in the world to get to light the Hanukkah candles with then, to do such a symbolic and enjoyable thing with family who actually cared about it. My family stopped lighting Hanukkah candles years ago, for the most part. I didn't get to do in college (seeing them lit at Hillel, alone, really wasn't the same) and last Hanukkah I think I was in New Hampshire.
So, I got them to bring a menorah, and find four candles. The rest of their candles were in NYC but they had four, so we made that do. They were pretty candles, too. And we lit the menorah and said the prayer, and told Stephen about what it meant.
And then the wind blew the candles out, so we lit them again. And again. And again. (Without saying the prayer.) Kind of defeats the message of resillience and strength, lol. No, but it was pretty, and I liked it. I was excited to light them. They left the menorah with me so I could light them again, which was nice. And they left. They took a picture of me and S took a picture of the three of us with his cell phone camera before they left.
Stephen and I stayed on the porch and talked for a while after they left. That was nice. I liked that. I gave him a rugelah.
Which I still want but shouldn't have. He liked it.
He just got into City College in NYC and was happy about that.
I would ask him to take a walk sometime or something but not sure what his schedule is like or if he would even want to. Or if we'd have enough to talk about. Probably, though. He has a good personality and generally interesting things to say.

So, I did achieve my goal of lighting candles with (interested) Jewish family. That was good. But yeah the visit was kind of anticlimatic and I had too high expectations. But overall it was good to do, just to get out in the sun for a while and have some social interaction, and have some food. And to find the temple. Yeah. I gotta google that.
Update: Googled. No website. Found phone number. Have no idea when one should call a synagogue ie when people are there. Have to remember to call them.

So, it was nice to see them, as the last time was probably either Passover or that get together at Rosalie's that I hated. I don't know what the occasion was. Mark said he thought the last time was Grandma's 75th birthday which I have no recollection of so that is probably what it was.
The reason I hated it was I was seeing all these people from Passover I hadnt seen in years, and I was extremely, deeply, completely dissapointed when I didn't manage to have a meaningful conversation with a single one of them.

After that I learned a lesson about not expecting to have meaningful conversations with 98% of the population in 98% of circumstances. Not that it was any of their faults or that they're shallow people; it's just, you can't have meaningful conversation at parties or in short conversations. You have to do small talk. I hate it.

Anyway. It was good to see them.

Kate