Bend-t out of shape

Tried to go to farmer's mkt. Got there too late. Cookie stand not there this time Bakery hd no baked goods Potatoes were conspicious absent Band had already stopped playing

Ventured into downtown . Yick. Despicable place I havr to say.

Maybe more pleasant if I got there early enough so stores were still open but. So many people, and so many fragranced people walking around, it will make you dizzy.

Too exhausted to enjoy Drake Park when I got there, too many people anyway.

Every time I do something and it fails, which is about every single experience I've had in this town, well, tonight I told myself "By the time I actually DO find something I enjoy, ya know, its gonna be ten times as good for waiting..."

I did climb the volcano. It didn't go well . lol.

Or at least that's the optimistic way of looking at things. It's like some evil fairy godmother standing over me and turning everything I attempt into a near disaster.

But at least I can try to laugh. Try. Haven't succeeded yet.

Basically I can't breathe the air very well, and I can't be out in the sun, and walking is not the release I need it to be due to the difficulty of it in this air, and those are by far the biggest problems. Smaller problems include the large number of highly fragranced people walking around downtown, some recent disagreements with my roommate that got a bit dicey, and not having a great place to use the computer since it got hot enough that we need to open doors and do fans at night which I can't tolerate so have no place I feel comfortable going to use the computer at that time/. These are problems I am trying to find ways around so they are less overwhelming and I can be more calm and stable. It ain't working.

I wish I could be funny like Mama Mara and make up a story about the Evil Fairy Godmother that has cursed everything I've done for the last 2 and a half weeks, but I don't have the energy.

At this point it is unfortunately about survival. Whatever. Tomorrow we are going to meet Leslie, a friend I have known for 2 years online, in her straw bale house. We may play some games and have some dinner. If I can be in a calm state of mind it should be fun. I hope to God. Because I need something to be fun. But if I put too much pressure on msyelf, it won't be.

Might have found a therapist to see outside and a slight chance of a dr in Portland (OR) to see.

There are a lot of outside seating areas here. Because of the good weather I suppose. Every single one was filled tonight. Never seen so many people out and about. People were walking down the street wearing dresses (!!) and necklaces and oh so coiffed up. You just don't see that in Maine, or most of New England, or Montana, or anywhere else I've been. It's their choice but it grates on me; so far from what I'm used to, where I came from, who I identify with. Just not me. I could never go to NYC or some big city. If there's one thing I can't stand it's pretentiousness.

I'm sure it's a nice city for some but I've seldom had one disagree with me this much. Nothing personal to any particular person. Just the way it is.

In a bit of flux and trying to decide next steps. Probably stay for now but maybe go back to Newport if that seems feasible aftet talking to K but that is not a good long term situation either so I hope to hell maybe she can help me find an MCS safe apt in Newport or on the coast somewhere. Or someome suggested Ashland...That sounds like a cool town if I had a place to live there....and knew someone there. I want good air and a place that doesn't rain 300 days of the year. I want a small downtown, some nice places to walk, a natural food store if possible. And of course an MCS safe apt. Not too much to ask except for the last one I don't think.

Kate