Memorable Day Out

The first time I've has time in Portland to myself in probably 4-6 weeks - and it was great. I was lucky. Nate picked me up at 12 noon. It was so warm I only needed a sweatshirt, no coat - 54 degrees it said.

First I walked around Portland for 90 minutes, and the air didnt bother me like I was afraid it would. I went from Monument Sq to the bakery and back and basked in the sun. Then I walked to Whole Foods and wasn't winded like I usually am for some reason. I was smiling a lot because of the weather.

Then when I got there, Kristen, who I was supposed to meet there,
left me a message saying she couldn't meet me after all. That was fine, though, because I ran into another old friend, who I met 3 yrs ago in a cab, there. We sat and talked for 90 min! Her and her co worker; it was like a business meeting of some sort which she had me be part of, which was way cool. I listened to her business with him and then we talked about my book. And she even wants to try to pitch it as a documentary to someone, can you believe that? Maybe even make it a documentary about toxins and mcs. She knows the guy who made "supersize me, so she knows a few people. It was one of those times when I was talking and thinking way faster than my brain could keep up with, but I was so energized to be with her talking about these ideas. I liked it, but I was so overwhelmed from the fast pace of conversation afterwards I needed an hour wandering around Whole Foods doing nothing but nervously munching on crackers for my brain to catch up and relax.

Which it did just in time for Nate to come. We went to the light house in South Portland,
and walked on the rocks that lead to it, which took about 40 minutes or so. It was absolutely beautiful with the sun going down. I got to meet two people from the AS group I'd never met, who I liked. I talked to them on the rocks. Isn't Maine a great state to be able to do all this on a whim? There is no better city than Portland - Portland, Maine.

Then we all had dinner together at Whole Foods. I was afraid 6 people would be too much to have dinner with, and would be too overwhelming, too hard to keep up with and be a part of the conversation, but it went well. We started out with 4 to a table, so it was less overwhelming. I sat with Ryan, Sarah and Reid. No one was dominating the conversation, so it was easy to make conversation and include everyone, or easier than I would have thought. We all seemed to like each other.

Right before we were going to sit down, my mouth dropped open, as I saw John walking towards us, having just bought some groceries. John used to be in the AS group way back when, isn't now, and I hadn't seen him 2 or 3 years. It used to be that we ran into each other rather frequently at Borders or Panera, back when I could still go to those places, but it had been ages. We talked for a good 5 or 10 minutes before he left.

I told the other people at dinner I was going to tell a joke, and
said "Well, Nate's probably already heard it 5 times before," as it was my favorite one, and he knew exactly which one I was talking about. Now that's a friend - someone who knows your jokes before you tell them. :)

I saw the girl from the bus I sometimes see at Whole Foods and chatted with her for a bit. Seldom a time ever goes by when I don't see her when I'm at Whole Foods, actually.

Then I spent anotjher 90 min grocery shopping, and got some ymmy things, including some lasagna for my roommate that I think she'll like, and we went home. I asked the manager about speaking there about autism and she gave me a name to contact.

Nice to have good things happen to you for once and gives you hope that the future can't be completely bleak and depressing if things like this can happen.

It felt good to be part of a (well functioning, friendly) group.

Fore River Sanctuary

Alright, I am frazzled as usual. What else is new. Went on winter hiking expedition with Nate and Rob today. Found trail in middle of busy intersection on Westbrook Portland line. Nate and I thought there was no way a trail existed there but Rob found it! Man he was good. He found it. We walked it for about half an hour. Varried terrain, not as flat as I might have wanted but not steep either, a bit icy, but it worked. Saw a frozen Fore River. Heard ice cracking. Beautiful to be out in nature like that even if a bit cold. Nice to do something together. When we crossed a stream frozen over or a puddle or whatever I said "But is it safe?" And Nate said "Only if you don't walk on it!" Ha, I thought that was funny. We found a non icy spot to cross. So. Then we had dinner at Whole Foods. I am thankful for them. Much of my life is in dissaray and I am faced with lots of issues that I need to take action on but at least there are bright spots. Going to visit my parents tomorrow. For a couple days. Hope that goes okay. Night.

Portland Day Two, and meeting Curry

Curry, the MCS person I found, took me into Portland today. The day got off to a not so good start due to some things happening in the house. We talked for 90 minutes. It was good to talk. Then I only had 90 min till I was going to meet Nate and Rob. But even though it was dark I still enjoyed Portland. At first I wonderd if I would but it is impossible not to. I got into it. I went from, the Eastland on upper Congress, down to Monument Square, down to Exchange, and of course stopped at the park by O'Naturals and did some curb walking. Love those curbs. White Liar came on and I did genuinely enjoy myself for those 5 in or so. Then continuing down Exchange, Moulton, the water, and over to Standard Baking on Commercial, but I didn't stop there. The new shoes are working great - last time I had HAD it by then and it took like a long time. This time it went by like nothing. I continued walking past SB on Commercial, not even sure or remembering what I'd find; turned to walk back up by the hotel and was surprised to see the huge indoor swimming pool at the hotel that stretches the full length of one wall. Walked up, turned when I got to the street where Fore Street (the restaurant) is, walked down there a while, my body enjoying the intuitive feel of turning corners and alleyways that it's done so many times they are inscribed in my heart and brain automatically. It was dark, I could hardly see, there weren't as many lights as in some parts and with my glasses the way theey are - but my body knew these streets intuitively. My mind didn't remember where I was going other than vaguely , but my body did. It was a great feeling. These are my streets. Bon Jovi - Who says you cant go home. I heard it when I got to Whole foods. So, down Fore Street, all the way; in fact when I got back to Moulton I decided to keep going, all the way past the candy shop, peer in the window, all the way till it met with the street that intersects with Wharf, down there, across Wharf, got to see all the restaurants back doors , peek in their kitchens, past Chocolate Bar Cafe, down the cobblestones, walk on the curb, till I ended back on Moulton again - how's that for a perfect square! Up Exchange and decided to do a right on Middle all the way down where Maple's and Movie Exchange is, and back again, up exchange, to the beautiful building with the clock on it, making sure to go three or so blocks EAST this time, past the City Hall even, looking for Pearl as I remembred that's the street that goes to Whole Foods directly. Dark and could hardly see where I was going , but a feeling of confidence in my heart. This is my city. I am going down to the water, what could go wrong, I know about where I'm going. :) WF directly at bottom. Love it - inuitive, effortless, walking around Portland is just like I said before, a mandala.

So at least one hour good. Worried about several other things but what can I do? Worried about smell downstairs but it will go away I know it; worried abiut computer and being abel to use it; worried about othet things; they will be fine, it will be fine, I will find a way to make it ok. Need to make appt with dr and see if they can help me. Call food stamps. Do SOEMTHING proactive tomorrow. Driving me insane not to. We'll see what happens. I can't freak out. Take one day at a time. Not everyday will besame as last.

Nate is getting me a toaster ovenwith broil function from CL, Oh, and it's all metal and glass, and metal doesnt offgass, so thats very good. I hope it doesn't offgass. And I hope it works. It would be great to have an easy way to cook things. Stick a steak in there and take it out ten minutes, now thats the easy way of cooking. Hope the smell does not bother Michael as it did last time.

That would be nice to hsve one thing solved

Need to have hope and not give int oworry
Kate

On Being with Other People and Liking It

I seriously need some water but I am resisting going downstairs because I really want to get something done and if I leave, well, there goes my focus. So, hello focus, where are you? I want to try to write about Marion. Why am I so thirsty? I don't know.

On Being with Other People and Liking It

I have never exactly been the kind of person who can "hang out" with other people. My Asperger's makes me more than a little bit socially inept, and makes it difficult for me to figure out how to make small talk and conversation appear natural. I have to put a lot of effort into everything I say, and it takes a lot of energy to think out what I want to say, and how to say it. It takes a lot of energy to make things flow. Therefore, conversations can be exhausting. I like them; I am something of an extrovert in some ways. Conversation is often difficult for me but I cherish it. I seek it out. I start conversations with everyone who seems the least bit willing. I get a lot out of conversations. But that doesn't mean they're not work for me. Once I've had my fill, I want to leave as soon as possible; I can get overloaded easily. As for just "hanging out"? I can't do that. I need to be having an active conversation, I need to have things planned. I have never been good at "hanging out."

There's more to it, though. I have a lot of anxiety around people for other reasons. I get very worried about what they are thinking of me. I get worried about people criticizing me. I worry about getting into serious or emotional discussions I am not prepared for. I worry about getting yelled at. Sometimes I feel like I am always doing something wrong, and the more time I spend around people - and in this case I am talking about mostly family or people I know - the more chance I will get yelled at for somthing. It makes me nervous, skittish, uncomfortable. I feel often as I can't sit and relax around people I know because I just know the conversation is going to turn to something I've done wrong. Call me paranoid, call me whatever you want, maybe it 's true and maybe not, but that's how I feel. I can't sit and relax because I am too afraid of what will come next, and I didn't realize quite how many people I felt that way with. I also interpret what people say to be far more judgemental than it may be. In my mind, people will do nothing but judge me, (and I realize in this case I am most likely over reacting but it's not something I can turn off), so I just can't have a decent conversation with most people I know, between these two issues. I often interpet things in a very negative way and it keeps me rather on the edge. I get very defensive many times. When I do have conversations, it takes a lot of energy to try to keep these demons at bay. Because of these things and other reasons, I find myself spending a lot of time in my room at most places I've lived. I just can't emotionally deal with being with people for more than a short time. I need to feel safe in my room. It's just how I am.

But the oddest thing has happened since I moved back to Maine two weeks ago, to a house in Falmouth near where I grew up. I am living with a 92 year ol woman and her adult son. The woman is still very active, still very sharp, and can only be described as vibrant and passionate and, well, animated. Marion is, in a word, animated. And I love her for it. I love the emotion in her voice. I love the stories she tells. I love how she has an opinion on everything. There is passion and feeling in her voice when she tells her stories, and that is something missing from most people's communications these days. She likes to tell stories from her life or just opine on a topic from the news. I find myself drawn to her. Her hearing is not great but she can hear well enough to make conversation. I do a lot more listening than I do talking, though, which is somewhat unusual for me. I sit there, in a large, comfortable armchair in the living room, for up to an hour, soaking in her warmth, enjoying her presence. Today, I found myself sitting on the armchair reading the Sunday paper, while she read the other half in the chair across from me. Then I lied on the couch for a bit, resting, enjoying the comforting sound of her paper rustling. Afterwards, I leaned back in the chair and we talked for an hour. She flipped through the TV channels, and made comment about what she saw. I can't watch the TV as it hurts my eyes but I can listen, so I commented back. And I thought to myself, what am I doing? I'm sitting on a chair, relaxing, with someone. I am (kind of) watching TV with them, reading the paper with them. I am doing everything my parents wanted me to do with them the last time I was there, but I couldn't even fathom it, couldn't fathom how anyone did it with anyone else. I think I did use to do it when I was younger, but it's been years and years, so long that the experiences are buried in my memory. I thought, I like this. I like being with her. What is it about her that is allowing me to not only be able to spend this much unstructured time with another person, but actually to make me want to seek it out?

So I thought about it and I came up with a rather sad but, I feel, accurate conclusion. I realized, as I said above, that with most people, I am so damn afraid of them, I can't often stand to be in the same room as them. Yes, I know it sounds...unfortunate. But, I put so much energy into overcoming those feelings, and I do interact with others, but seldom if ever in a relaxed way. Somehow, maybe because she's 92 and "above it all," Marion does not seem to hold any judgement in her voice or being; she does not want to "change" me, like so many have before. She's not trying to mold me in any way. She just wants company and someone to tell her stories to. And, when you get right down to it, that's really all I want too. So we work well together. I often in the past read stories of the elderly; about how lonely they were, about how few things they had to look forward to, about how difficult being homebound was. I'd read them and think, Man, I can relate to these stories from 80 and 90 year olds better than I can from anyone else. I shared the same feelings. I often thought, I bet I might get along with someone like this; we'd maybe see the world in some of the same ways. It seems maybe that I was right.

Of course, it's also the simple things. I enjoy the emotion and excitement in her voice when she greets me every day; I soak it up. When she puts her attention on me I feel like she really wants to talk to me, she really is happy that She say "How are you" like she really means it, and I soak that up too. She always seems genuinely glad to see me; there is a warmth in her voice that I have experienced with few others. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who was glad to see them?

The book "Tuesdays with Morrie" keeps coming to mind. I would not say it is like that; we are not engaged in any formal lessons, teaching, or whatnot. But maybe you can say, in a way, that it is more like that than I thought. Maybe without even meaning to, she is teaching me the meaning and value of companionship; the meaning and value of "just being" with another person. She is showing me it is possible to want to "hang out" with another person. Hang out! Never thought I'd see the day. I only wonder if there is a way I can transfer this feeling to other people and find ways to be more comfortable with them. Humans are subjective and highly variable, which is a problem, at least for me; this situation could change more easily than I would like. Anything could happen. I hope it doesn't. But for now, I am enjoying it. I feel more centered and far calmer after sitting down for half an hour to chat with her, and I hope it never changes. There's just something about her. I can only imagine the perspective one must have at that age. I hope I get to experience it one day.

Nature, Friends and Food: The Holy Triad

Okay, I am trying to focus on writing a short description of today, and it has proven somewhat hard to focus. So here goes. Ha. I just tried to write two newsletter topics for my ghost writing job. Good, yes, but wish I could have gotten more done. A little bit low on energy tonight. Had a great weekend though.

Rob and Nate picked me up at 1:30 to go to Wolfe's neck to hike. man but I feel guilty cus I was pretty late getting ready. Ha. I said it;d be 2 min I obsessed over what clothes to wear for half an hr. Not having been in Nate's car in 7 mos I wasn't sure if well how fragrant it would be and didnt want to weaer good clothes if it was and so on. Whatever. Got otu eventually.

Wolfe's Neck was so beautiful. We hiked alonga trail by the water. I was also worried because I got new shoes yesterday. Big step big deal for me. I was quite worried if I would be able to walk in them comfortably or not but luckily it went well - I hardly noticed them - they werent 100% completely comfortable but they were pretty good. So that was good. Between worrying about Nate's car, the shoes, and the fact that I didnt know what we were doing,. the weather etc I was a bundle of nerves at first. Had a little agitation to start but was ok.

And we did have fun. Trail goes by ocean; hiked for an hour; saw sun set over ocean on way back; enjoyed the freshly fallen snow. First snow of the season! Luckily wasn't too deep. Took some pics with Nate's camera phone.

I even remembered the way to get back, if we had gone the way Nate wanted we would have been walking a long time, ha.

The house was on our way back to Portland so stopped in to use the bathroom on the way back. No Whole Foods bathroom, hoorway. I suppose I will have to sometime but man I hate public bathrooms. Worry about that another week. If we do Bradbury that is also in Freeport so the house would be on the way. Don't know if Nate will want to do someting next weekend or not. Stop thinking. Ha.

Okay so then we went to Portland and walked down Commercial St tothe ferry terminal to see the ocean. Man it was beautiful. That is our spot so to speak - the place we always go - Nate showed me it. I stood there before I went to Oregon ponderng hwat the other coast would be like and I stood there with my 2 friends once aghain when Iretuened home.

It felt so good to be out in the fresh air, walking. Walking with my friends. Rob made me laugh. It feels so good to be in joint conversation with 2 people, so comfortable, so familiar, so wrapped in a warm cocoon. Love it. Somtimes hard to get good convo going but good when it happens. Talked about what states we had been to as we walked along Commercial. Nate and Rob have been to more but I have lived in more as far I as know.

They both lked the rice crackers, will have to give them more some time. I am addicted to them.

Went to Whole Foods for dinner. They had steak and onions/peppers again in prepared foods section so I got that. Yum. Then I realized not till later Gosh! Should have looked ! Oh well - that they had GARLIC BRISKET which is to die for . They only had spiced before but today they had garlic. Oh my freaking God it tasted to die for. The meat guy cut it to the EXACT right thickness, length, style, all uniform dangle in your mouth to die for pieces. All I said was between thin and medium and he got it right. Normally dont like theguy he has a smirk on his face and is uncommunciative but he can cut meat.

So gave Rob the spiced brisket I had left cus I didnt want it and Nate the hummus I had that I didnt want. I want him to try the garlic hummus though. That stuff is really, really good. I'll have him try it next time. I want to do the cracker, roast beef and hummus sandwhich for him and Rob. next time at whole foods we can. I hope thehummus I gave him was still ok it said dec 16 tho. I didnt like the taste but he might.

Anyway focus. So. Got some meat. Lots of meat. To be honest I over did it a bit. Okay a lot. Whole Foods is really hard to stay in budget in. There is just too much good food and it's all expensive. Ha. What else is new? I got a lot of crackers, more hummus than was probably necessary, and more meat than was probably necessary, but I will refine my process. It's only the second week right?

I have all this food in my fridge because I can only shop once a week and was afraid of running out. I am sure in a week's time I will eat it but in the meantime it's hard having so much food in my fridge - because I just have this compulsion to eat it all rigut now and yet it has to last me a week. That's going to take some time to figure out how to manage better I think. But damn I should try to enjoy having so much good food in the fridge.

In NY i only shopped once a week for most things BUT, but, I had the deli I could call and have deliver roast beef whenever I wanted, and could get as much crackers and hummus as I wanted. So I only bought what I needed because if I ran out , I could get almost anything I needed at either the health food store or deli. They didnt have what a grocery did but had most. So, here I can't get anything if I run out, so hence the compuslsion to try to buy a week's worth. And the roast beef won't stay good long - I got so used to having it 3x a week or so in NY that I don't want to give it up here, but you can't put a pound of RB in the fridge and expect it to last all week. So I don't quite knowwhat to do about that. Maybe get 1/2 lb and have ir the first few days. I don't know if it can be frozen . Also, the RB at WF is DAMN expensive. I really shouldn't be buying that much. I mean it's like $13 a lb. It was 10 in NY. That's getting a bit up there.

And I bought too many bananas last week and not enough this week. I only have like 10 or so left and that's enough only for 5 days. I have to get a prescription at Hannaford though so maybe can get some more there then.

But whatever. I will figure it out. Yeah, somehow. Man, the garlic hummus from Jorgo's is plain out of this world, you would not freaking believe how amazing it tastes. I am going to get spoiled from all this good food but it makes me happy and a person needs something to hold on to, right?

The Good Neighbors hummus they have here is quite good. They don't have Tribe organic but the GN red pepper is as good orbetter. Only natural , doesnt taste as good, got it anyway, not sure why, well cus it was big container, thoughti itd last.

Anyway stop rambling . It felt good to be among friends. And nature. Friends, nature, and good food: three of the few things left I can still enjoy with MCS, and I got all three today. Being in nature is good for the soul, and being among friends is a balm to the soul. I hope I can remember this day and look forward to it hapening ahain, I hope I can use it to get through all the difficult things that surely will come and are presernt at moment.

I hope I can figure out how to better take care of myself. Doctors and so on. Damn it all. Frustrating. Need to get courage. Take action.ETc.

Getting new shoes was good for me. Showed I can accomplish things I tyhoiught not possible.

Wantd to write this eartliet. Not much energy for typing. Rationing it . Frustrated I didnt write morer but I got 2 done. Emails left. Break after. So many .... I need to be strong in face of challenges.

Kate

Portland, Maine: Who says you can't go home again

Portland, Maine: Who Says You Can't Go Home Again
December 2009

Sometimes, you just need something to get you going on a cold, blustery day. Even when you're in a city as great as Portland. As I stood there on the sidewalk just above Monument Square in Portland, Maine, I felt a bit disoriented. It was the first time I had been back in Portland in seven months. When a Blaine Larsen song I hadn't heard in ages came on the radio, it thankfully kicked me into gear. (Thank you WPOR for all the Blaine Larsen songs you've been playing!) I walked a couple blocks down Congress to the heart of Monument Square. The wind played with my hair, the Time and Temperature sign, symbol of all things Portland, loomed ahead reading 38 degrees, 12:30 pm; Blaine Larsen sang "How Do You get That Lonely" on the radio, and I was in Portland. I felt a rush of adrenaline and happiness. Finally. I dropped my bag in Monument Square. Looked around me. Realized, Wow. This place is beautiful. All the open space! All the beautiful buildings! Spun around and watched the buildings spin with me - kind of like being in a snow globe. The coffee and gelato shop was still there; Shay's was still there; the huge elegant buildings still towered over me. The library was closed for renovation; but everything else was the same.

I ran to the curb by the grassy area outside of Longfellow Books - many happy hours of my life have been spent walking up and down this curb, entranced by the music on the radio and the wonderful feeling of balancing as I walked on the curb. For some weird sensory reason I can't quite describe, my body and mind feel centered, balanced and at ease walking on curbs - and so I walk on any I can find, which is not many, except for in Portland. I grabbed my bag again and continued down the gently sloping brick walkway, past the tea shop and bookstore, crossing the street by Dunkin Donuts and hitting another curb (they plant trees and have little grassy areas all over Portland with a curb around them, much to my pleasure), crossing the intersection by where Smoothie King used to be, by the classic Nickoledeon movie theatre, and ran into yet another park area - Portland is full of little areas with benches, grass and trees where you can just sit and take in everything around you. Portland is a far more beautiful city, just in its architecture and the way it was planned, than I had remembered or ever given it credit for; probably was too busy looking for the nearest sweet shop. I have lived in many cities in the past seven months; four, to be exact; and they all had their good points, but none could come even close to what Portland's downtown area is like.

From here you enter the heart of the Old Port shopping area; Cold Stone Creamery, Stonewall Kitchen and Starbucks are lined up neatly on your right; another park area with benches are your left; straight ahead is upper Exchange and where O'Naturals used to be - and another large park, beautiful park, which I almost cried with delight when I saw. All this open space! Most cities just have old, run down. monstrous towering buildings after towering buildings, traffic, congestion, air pollution; Portland has all these built in spaces for people to gather, skateboard, sell crafts, do outdoor performances, or just eat lunch outside. Portland is a people-sized city. Many happy hours also spent in this park outside O'Naturals, walking on the curbs, listening to music and just wandering around.

And just when you think it can't get better - down Exhange Street you go! The cobblestone streets stood out after so long an absence. How quaint, how picturesque, how charming. Most of Portland's streets, which all lead down to the ocean, in the Old Port section are cobblestone, something I am told is reminscent of European cities. All the usual suspects remained on Exchange, the coffee shops, the clothing shops, the gift shops. At the bottom you can go left or right for more shops, or continue down the short, a bit steeper cobblestone section to the ocean and Commercial Street. I smiled when I saw the small one man smoothie shop the Maine Squeeze was still in business. I looked through the window and saw all the chalkboards with their colorful chalk menus. Mexicali Blues and my childhood favorite Communiques was still there.

When you get to Commercial, which runs parallel to the ocean, you take a left to get to more restaurants and shops. I kept walking until I got to Standard Baking Company, the best bakery in Portland. What a beautiful walk. I had been afraid I would need sugar and junk food to energize me enough to enjoy myself; I no longer eat sugar so that was not an option. The only place I had been able to go into, O'Naturals, had closed. I was afraid there was nothing left. But I found that Portland is beautiful on its own. Walking through it still energizes me and fills me with awe. It is , as I had said once before, like a mandala; a mandala is a circular pattern which is supposed to symbolize wholeness and oneness with some kind of greater force or energies. Walking a mandala is supposed to bring inner peace. Portland is in many ways like that for me.

After attempting to go in the bakery I lost most of my energy and mood, plus it had gotten rather chilly. So, it wasn't quite the hours of euphoria I had experienced in the past, but I hadn't expected that. With the weather and how I was feeling, I was content with one good half hour, and hoped I would have more in the future. Something to hold on to, anyway. I was in a hurry to get to somewhere I could sit down after the bakery, so headed to Whole Foods. From the ocean, I walked back up Exchange... all the way to Congress, which was a longer walk than I remembered. And then back down again to Whole Foods...Never can remember what street to take so I always end up a few streets away. I wandered around to look at all the food and got some groceries; satisfied I hd at least gotten to experience my hometown once again.

More Maine thoughts

More thoughts.. It feels good, to some extent, to sit here and reflect. I started from this place seven months ago, so nervous, creating this blog about moving to Oregon, and learning how to Bend. I left with high hopes. I couldn't wait to get out of this place. I was desperate. Well, what a summer it was. Newport, Bend, Eugene, and New York in the fall. But now I am back, seven months later. And I am just going to do the best I can. I have a better relationship with my parents - I think - for now anyway - that does seem to change quite frequently, lol. But they have been very supportive tonight. And that makes me feel good. It is what I wanted. So, I am just going to do the best I can. Que sera, sera. I am a little nervous right now because my dad has his music on loud. And I need to go to sleep early to get up for tomorow. But whatever. If thats the worst of it thats okay right? I will be creative. Okay. Well, quite a day today with that trip but I did it. I should be proud of myself. I did something difficult.

I was going to Falmouth Tues but really dont want to push it that far. Am afraid will go crazy with nothing to do here tomorrow. Dont want to lose my independence. Too many opportunities to get into conflict or get depressed by things here. Part of me does want to stay, but the other part of me says "you had a good evening with them, better quit while you're ahead," and that is the part I am going with. Anyway the decision is made so. I think I need to keep riding on that adrenaline anyway.

So. I will be okay. The plan is , I hope I can get to sleep and get seven hours of sleep. And feel somewhat rested. Normally after a long trip I would not attempt to do something diffficult the next day but doing nothing would be worse so , so be it. Yea. Be brave.

At 1, we will leave for Falmouth. I will be calm patient etc . Put all stuff in there. Talk to him. Then head to Portland. Walk around if nice out. Hope I am feeling well enough to. Shop at Whole Foods, see Rob for dinner, go back, hope I can sleep good and long tomorrow night. Walk by Town Landing and the ocean Tuesday I hope.

Worried about my back, but hopefully it will get better. I'll take the magnesium if it doesn't maybe? I don't know. I am out of magnesium need to get more. I have trisalts tho.
If it doesn't tomorrow then I need to be patient until it does.

I am worried about being able to tolerate the sheets to be able to sleep. I usually have trouble tolerating other people's sheets. But I need to, right? I was worried abou that before I came. Jus be patient, you can tolerate them, might take a few days to get used to them. But you will. Other idea is to maybe wash sheets I have or rewash these. Need laundry det. for that, hmm.
You can tolerate them. Just try to sleep for a few hours. Then get up and go see your beloved city, finish the job.

Worrying doesnt do any good but having a comfortable bed is very importanrt to me and I get very nervous worrying I won't. But worrying will do no good. I will find a way. I just need sheets I can tolerate.

If you don't feel good when you go to sleep , or when you wake up, be patient and know you will feel better later. You will find a way to get decent sleep. You will find away to feel good. Be patient.

And go to sleep because you had a long day and you deserve and ned it.

Okay, ned food, some more crackers, banana, rb, and bed

Need to remember all stuff in room, food in cabnet and fridge, other stuff on list, and be strong

Getting kidn of tired of thisd but is ok

Kate




I need to