Walkabout

My, my. I do like going out but I don't like how tired I get doing so. Suppose you have to pay the price!

I'm not tired during the day when doing stuff, it's just later that I am.

It's still rather cold in here. Oh well. Better than hot I suppose!

So, I just read some blogs. I am trying to focus on writing mine. I am tired lol And it is cold. Man. I'd put on the portable heater but I feel somewhat guilty doing that in June. Not supposed to need it right?

The problem is I sit by the window. Cold air comes thru. RM's computer is upstairs away from window; she is warmer. Oh well.

Nowhere else to use it .

Hard enough to focus when tired but cold takes the cake.

So focus

Town today, Newport

Left 8:30am, got there 9am
Walked to Bayfront, needed bathroom, so walked back up to Oceana
Got banana and ran into C on the way out. C is my RM's son who is home from college but living in town. Only met him once. Had very nice chat with him for 20-30 min. Enjoyed it quite a bit. Very polite, kind, amiable guy. Don't find that much in this age group.

Going to Oceana worked well because I figured I might go to Nye Beach next which I don't usually do or haven't recently. And because I knew if you went from Oceana two blocks over, you'd hit the highway and ice cream place and all you had to do was go down that road to get to Nye Beach.

And I was RIGHT!

Woohoo!

And so when I got there I was in a different part than I've usually been in. And I realized, lo and behold, there was a part of Nye Beach I had not explored yet. Whee! And lo and behold it was the best part of Nye Beach. Don't you hate when that happens?

If you go all the way to the east, the right, over a street from the bakery, there is a viewing platform of sorts for the ocean. There are concrete benches there, pretty ones adorned with the words Nye Beach and a symbol of a crab if I remember right. And OMG, the view, the view, the waves, it never stops being amazing. And so I didn't really feel like dealing with a sandy beach again as me and Sandy Beaches do NOT get along well. But just to sit and watch the beach and the waves roll in, it was like being at some kind of IMAX movie but in real life ya know...just beautiful. To sit and listen to the music and see this stunning sight from such a comfortable vantage point. Wow. Will have to go back there. Is usually windy down there but wasn't tomorrow, will have to check wind forecasts more often. Lots of people.

Anyway so tried to go to group of rocks but a stream of sorts seperated me from it. So lacking time as I was supposed to meet RM at 12 to go to Seal Rock, I left. And immediately got drawn into a street of shops I missed - this one much prettier and more enticing and charming than the other streets. The cobblestones - were they? I can't remember - maybe maybe not - reminded me almost of a street in the Old Port which made me feel very at home. It was but it wasn't. Anyway. A couple seafood resteraunts , one had a steak and shrimp combo that looked rather enticing. Got to the end of the street, nothing interesting, one more block, then I would figure out how to get back to Oceana to meet RM.

And then I saw it. Cafe Stephanie, Eat In or Take Out, it said. I figured any place already set up for take out was a good bet for being able to , well, take out something.... and I saw the open doorway in the back. People were bustling about so I asked for a take out menu. I was given one and looked at it.... Oh, heaven, chicken ceaser. Also had blackened salmon, remind me, I have to try that one next time - this one was so good I bet that would be even better - although they do tend to do really weird things to salmon here. I don't even know how salmon would taste in ceaser. Never tried it. But anyway. I digress. I was planning to make a note of it to come back to later as I was already late in meeting RM, but then I figured, how long could a chicken ceaser take? 10 min at most? I could still get back to Oceana by our planned leaving time of 12:30 if I waited ten minutes, so I decided to go for it, since it was lunch time and I was hungry.

I went back to the open door and lingered for a minute while I tried to figure out my game plan of how I was going to make my request in the somewhat unorthodox way of ordering through the delivery door. Screwing up the courage, I called through the door, "Excuse me. Is there any chance I can place an order?" The waitress didn't even blink or seem to think the request was odd, or ask me to come in. She asked what I wanted, and I said chicken ceaser; she said it'll be ready in two minutes. She came back out to give me the check to sign and get my card from me, and then a few minutes later came back out with the food. Talk about service! Service with a smile, prompt, quick, easy, and most amazing of all: the food was actually good. With a two minute prep time you'd think it would be cold, thrown together, unappetizing. And most chicken ceasers are a crapshoot at best; you never know what the quality of the chicken is going to be. Which reminds me, I don't think I ever ordered a chicken ceaser at Whole Foods in Portland. I should have. Theirs is good. Kept forgetting. Oh well. I knew I had had a good chicken ceaser somewhere in Portland. I wonder if the one in Bend will have one? Mmmmm. Anyway. Back to the story.

So, usually either the dressing is gross or the chicken is; some are edible but not remarkable. Most fall into that category.

This was actually GOOD! I opened the to-go container, wondering what I would find. The salad was visually pleasing; I grabbed a fork and started eating. The sharp, poignant, pleasant flavors of the ceaser dressing hit my mouth immediately. I tried the chicken. Hot and with a slight grilled flavor, tender, tasty! A miracle had been born: a chicken ceaser with decent chicken AND dressing and presentation .... an all around great salad. Newport, you're doing all right if you got me a decent chicken ceaser. I give much kudos for that.

So I sat at the sidewalk table and ate it. All of it. Every last morsel. I don't usually eat so much salad but that was damn good. I'll have to get it again.

Not that I like walking all the way to Nye Beach especially if it's windy out but that's a pretty good reason.

Oh yeah and then some woman with a dog came up immediately after that, peered thru the open delivery door, and said "Can I order from here? I have a dog so I can't come in." I said to her, "Hey, I just did that!" and she said, "Oh, do you have a dog, too?" I said no. She asked me if I ordered the chicken ceaser when she saw how much I liked it, and I said yes, and she ordered it too. I told her it was a good choice.

So I called RM to see when she wanted to go to Seal Rock, which we were going to do during her 12-4pm break from clients. A town 15 min away with a new beach. She said 1 would be fine so I made my way back slowly - and figured out how to get back from Nye Beach to Oceana, that's quite a feat, lol.
Remembered to go back up the street straight up from the PAC sign, and passed where I would turn off for her office, and kept going to the ice cream place. Then crossed the very difficult to cross highway, turned right, went down the street a little, and boom, I was at Oceana! It's so fun to actually know your way around and be able to figure out how to get places. It is such a feeling of satisfaction, I can't tell you.

So, RM's plans got changed a little as she had a client scheduled last munute for 2:45, but we still had a little time for Seal Rock. So off we went and got there by about 1:30, about 45 min to spend there.

Ugh, I just got all distracted. By happenings in the house. It hadnt broken my focus completely until the Internet stopped working. Dang Internet. Focus again.

Seal Rock: Beautiful beach as usual. Took some pictures I'll put up tomorrow. I don't always remember to put link in here but between Facebook and emails I think most of you see them, if not, just go to one of my albums already listed and on the top left hand it shoudl list any new ones I've put up. Original album is www.photobucket.com/newportoregon

Lots of rocks, pretty waves, some wave rock interaction....Not a whole lot to see to be honest in comparison with the other places but beautiful in its own way. Camera batteries died AGAIN after like half an hour so ran to get spare ones. Missed great shot of fisherman on the rocks against the ocean though. Oh well, got other ones.

Had only a short time but it was nice to see another beach. Heard Simon and Garfunkel's I am a Rock.

We thought we'd go toa a nearby cookie shop but they were closed.

When we got back to town, I sat in the car to make a phone call and rest. Called my friend D in New Hampshire, she is planning on coming out here in the middle of the month sometime. That will be good, I think. If she really comes, we shall see, and if I am still here, which is something I can't decide, which is somewhat driving me crazy.

We got back about 3, at 4 I set out my last mission for the day: getting ice cream. Mmmm. I
asked RM how to get to the ice cream place from Oceana and her directions didnt make sense to me verbally but when I tried to do what she said, it all fell into place and made sense! I got there without getting lost once! Perfect. You go down the street south of the office and it leads into the highway with the shops eventually. All these places are interconnected! The directions are starting to make sense! lol

I love that place more each time I go in... for some reason I can tolerate it, and it is so much fun being in an ice cream shop, especially one as good as this one. The expresso ice cream, which is homemade, has got to be a serious contender for the best ice cream I have ever had in my life. I was hesitant about giving it this title the first time or two I had it, but now that I've had it three times, I think I can honestly say this may be the case. The expresso flavor is strong and robust and HITS you in the mouth the SECOND you put it in your mouth, which is a sign of any good ice cream. And it never stops, the flavor is rich and amazing.

Their non homemade but still local to Oregon ice creams were good, but not a quarter as good as this one. There was no comparison. I sampled many of them. It was the first time I felt comfortable enough to stay in the store long enough to do any samples, and I was glad for that. The guy who waited on me was very nice.

Mmmm and then I decided I would go back to Oceana before meeting her at the office at 5, and I ACTUALLY KNEW HOW TO GET THERE TOO! Wooohoo, lol. Cross the highway and two blocks east. Used the bathroom, bought some cheap raspberries and vegetable rice crackers (my new favorite snack, but theyre addictive), and I KNEW HOW TO GET TO THE OFFICE FROM THERE! lol see a theme here? it's so fun to know how to navigate different parts of town on my own. I've always loved that about new cities or any city. Go down to where the flag is down the street, bear left, walk straight till you come to the intersection, go up a block...Something like that. Easy.

So, I now know how to get to Oceana, the office, the bayfront and Nye Beach to and from various points. The good part is not just knowing how to get to points A, B, C, and D from Point A; the good part is when you can generalize and get to B from C and C from D and A from B and so on. So that's kind of cool.

Left about 6.

I was afraid the humidity would be a problem as that has been a big problem for me lately; I didn't go outside for three days in a row because of it. It seems to be much worse here where the house is, inland, than it is on the ocean in Newport. There is no doubt it still bothered me in Newport today, but it was entirely tolerable, as long as I lowered my expectations waay down and didn't expect myself to do anything other than, well, walk. In other words if I had expected myself to enjoy it as much as I usually do I would have absolutely choked on the expectations. But if I just said "Go and do it" and did it, then I could pressure free. I sure wish I could do that with the rest of my life - free myself from expectations.

I had to keep moving more because sitting in one place and thinking about the air and the way it made me feel too much was not good....but it was okay - the important thing is to tailor each day to your individual needs that day. I had some ideas of what I wnated to do before I came but the ychanged as I realized what my needs and wants were - which is good .

I am struggling to decide when to go to Bend, either June 14, 26, or July 5 are my options.

because of weather related reasons and other minor issues I had basically decided to go the 14th as originally planned, but now I am way leanng the other way as I don't want to leave RM, I feel like I have so much more I can benefit from and learn from and enjoy from her. As long as the humidity is tolerable I think I will wait out the month. Two months is a nice even time to be soemwhere. We shall see. Also, my mom is supposed to come, and I am a little nervous about that. She is interviewing for a job in, of all places in the entire country, Eugene, which is 2 hrs from here and 2.5 hrs from Bend. So if she came she'd be smack in the middle of the two cities, which is kind of funny and rather convenient. But I am a little overwhelmed at the prospect of managing and navigating her stay, mainly because she will want to go places in a rental car and because of MCS I can't tolerate rental cars. I am very nervous about breaking this to her. She should know from previous experience, of course, but I don't expect her to remember. It's not much notice, it's either this Friday or next Friday I think. I hope it's next. Or maybe this Saturday. Who knows. It might be nice if she lived 2 hrs away and we could go hiking together sometimes, but I am a little nervous about this visit. Whatever, we shall see.

Okay I gave in and put the heater on, but at least I waited three hours to do so. I really do wish it was warmer in here at night. It would make focusing and relaxing so much easier. But what can you do right. I don't like this heater, it makes me somewhat groggy and hard to focus, but being cold is worse. And I'm not sure I should be asking RM to make a fire in June....but it is probably 50 degrees or so outside and no heat inside,so, it happens. Whatever.

My friend Deb said to me on the phone today "Kate, do you want to have happiness or peace?"
She was referring to my by now age old dilemma of trying to label things too much to decide for sure if I am happy or not - and she's probably right. I guess. Labeling is good for certain things and certain times but you can certainly go too far. In deciding that you don't need to label something and just want to experience it, whatever it is, then you will have peace.

I can do that sometimes and in some areas of my life but overall I find it a dificult task because the only way I make sense of my life is to label, describe, analyze, and so on.

But sometimes...Just being ok with whatever happens.....is much more peaceful.

Anyway something I'll have to remember and think about later.

Something I'm wondering about the leaving issue, you know, how much emotional growth will I miss out on with RM if I leave early? Balance that against humidity, no cell phone, so on.... I can't even remember....it's just that I need distraction on the days Im home.

But whatever....one day at a time.

Yawning, heat is making me super sleepy. Need to keep believing, be patient, it will come together. Do some writing if I can tomorrow. We will see. One day at a time.

I should be proud of msyelf for going out and having fun on a somewhat humid day where I had to get up early. I did good.

One day at a time.

Goodnight
Kate

Aspie Communication: On Emotions and Understanding

I just realized something rather interesting.

I was thinking more about RM and the way she communicates with me and everyone else in the world. (She does the same on the phone and etc so it's not just special for me as far as I can tell.) And I realized something.

It clicked when she said something like "Just so you know, you probably shouldn't leave the chicken out for too long," telling me I should put the chicken we just bought away.

Once again, I noted the way in which she said it. She takes such care to say *everything* in such a non-offensive, friendly way. Adding the "Just so you know" or "I thought I should tell you that" or whatever it is before telling me something she wants me to do makes it again sound less like a demand or something one should be resentful for and more like just.... what it is. No drama, just... I don't know....respect?

Similarly, I realized fully for the first time how her style of communication satisfies every emotional need I have ever had in every way I ever dreamed of someone communicating - and how that completely changes the way *I* communicate with her, and my personality in doing so - for the better.

I have a tendency it seems to get angry, annoyed, irritated, whatever at people awfully fast. Faster than I would like. People just often drive me crazy. The communication gap has always seemed too wide - I just could never quite get what they were saying, and I always seemed to reply to what they said in a way that angered them, for reasons I could never quite understand. To make it simple: other people angered me and I couldn't understand what they were trying to say; I angered them and they couldn't figure out what I meant to say. An impasse.

There are two chief reasons that just about every person in the world drives me insane.
They both stem from the Aspie lack of ability to understand and interpret nuance, especially nonverbal nuance or language in communications; to interpret intent; to read other people's desires or feelings without verbal language.

One is emotions. People are never emotional enough for me. That is, they do not show their emotions and feelings in verbal ways, or they do not show them in ways I can interpret nonverbally. I am a very emotional person who has a strong need to have my emotions validated and acknowledged by others. If I am communicating with someone and I tell a story, it's the emotional part of it that matters to me, not the practical part. I get very, very frustrated by people who do not respond to or acknowledge the emotions that I express. If I am sad, hurt, or otherwise seeking comfort, I have had a VERY VERY hard time with not being able to understand that other people might feel bad for me and have empathy or sympathy, but they refuse to show it. In other words, I can't tell someone else is acknowledging my emotions. nonverbally, or in an implicit (previously understood) way.
And so I keep on feeling isolated, miserable, and so on, only 10 times worse because I think the person doesn't care, is snubbing me ,a nd so on.

The second is understanding.
Many times I have said to people I am close to, when having a discussion about any of a variety of topics, if you would just say " I understand, BUT..." and then say what you're saying, I would be fine and the discussion would proceed normally. But if I say something and the other person doesn't acknowledge it and just follows with a statement that completely disagrees with what I just said, I will often go crazy. I will start yelling or crying - it feels like I have just been completely misunderstood and what I said disregarded. I don't understand that them understanding what I said is supposed to be implicit. I can't know if they understood me unless they say so. And I cannot tolerate being misunderstood. Emotionally it plunges me into despair.
It is just one of those triggers. I had a childhood with a speech impediment and a social development disorder - therefore I grew up used to people not physically understanding what I was saying, and definitely used to people not emotionally understanding what I was saying. Add this to my theory of mind problems with Asperger's - I don't know what other people understand or know, I only know what is in my own mind - and I have NEVER taken someone understanding what I am saying for granted. Therefore, I really need people to interject those extra few words to acknowledge what I said - about any issue , really - before responding to it. If they don't, the vast majority of the time, I get very angry, upset or frustrated, as much as I try not to. This has led to trying to avoid a lot of communications due to this problem.

When I think back on it I think nearly all of my communication difficulties or tension with people, at least people I know well rather than just casual acquaintances, was due to this simple tenet: I tend to get very defensive very quickly, and I tend to be somewhat quick to anger if I think someone is not understanding what I am saying, or misinterpreting what I'm saying, or making incorrect statements about me. Part of that anger stems from the enormous amount of resentment I am carrying around from spending almost an entire lifetime being misunderstood, of being lonely, of not having anyone who I felt understood who I was. And of not being able to understand what they feel either. It is a feeling of being cut off from other people and the world that is quite unpleasant. And so when the inevitable miscommunication occurs, it reminds me of this, this bitterness, this resentment, and that makes me angry. Therefore my response to the person who made the gaffe might be or quite often will be out of porportion to what they actually sad or did. This is not something I like or am proud of but I am starting to realize why things happen the way they do.

It is possible that my tone of voice or attitude could be construed as a lot more negative, irritable and offensive than I ever realized it was, just because I'm in this constant state of frustration, anger and fear because I feel like no one ever is understanding the things I feel it is essential for them to understand - or the more likely scenario of they understand it fine but are not able to communicate that understanding in a way that I can pick up on. So they get hurt or offended that I didn't pick up on their positive, caring vibes and got offended instead; i get hurt and offended by interpreting the message wrong and thinkign they don't care or understand. It's a negative cycle to be sure.

This doesn't happen with EVERY single interaction, and rarely with strangers, but does a lot with people I know.

The reason I bring this up:

I realized that NONE of this , that is none of the negative reactions, have been happening with my roommate. I have been keeping mental note of all the amazing ways in which she communicates in exactly the way I need it. And I still can't quite believe it.

1. The emotional part - she acknowledges EVERY emotion, thought, feeling. Naturally. All of her statements and the very fiber of the way she communicates is designed to acknowledge and emotionally validate the person she is talking with. It is just the way she is, naturally - but I have never met anyone like that in my life. It is so ....calming and de-escalating to hear someone affirming me, understanding me, and to be able to *understand* her understanding. Her tone of voice is filled with empathy, joy, affirmation - I usualy can't understand anything but the most obvious tones of voice, but I can understand this, and it lifts my soul. Her face, too, displays nothing but empathy, concern, joy - acknowledgement - and again - the emotions are such in a way that I can read them. That has happened all too rarely in my life. It has kept me much more emotionally level - every time my emotions start to escalate, and I talk to her, it just makes me feel calm, centered, able to move on. Not that I don't have any anxiety because I do - but it makes it entirely manageable for the most part. And I appreciate the lighter burden to carry.
It's not even so much what she says, it's not what she does - it's that she's able to communicate that she cares, and that just means the world to me.

2. Understanding. Again, with everything she does, she shows that she understands everything I say. Every single word. You have no idea how refreshing and wonderful that is. When emotions have a hold of me they are like a savage beast that rips me apart and threatens to devour me. The loneliness and isolation feed the beast. The anxiety coming from containing the emotion or feeling within me is terrible. It needs to come out. When someone shows me they understand the emotion, they understand where it is coming from, they can even label it perhaps - it strips the beast of all its power. It takes the fear and overwhelmingness away. It makes me feel connected and wonderful and warms my heart. And again, she does this , it seems, so naturally it stuns me. I mean, I have felt pretty bad because of health stuff lately and am often rather brain fogged, but even through my fog, I'll hear the emotion, the understanding, the empathy in her voice and be amazed and appreciative. I spent years and years, in college, before college, after college, crying because I wanted this so bad but there was nowhere to get it. I wasn't getting it from my family, and attempts to do so resulted in being told I was "manipulating" them, which hurt me even more; I tried to get it from various teachers and professors in high school and college, and got very small amounts which I cherished, but I largely was left alone. Dreaming of, and trying to imagine, what it would feel like to communicate with someone who actually "got" me, who it didn't seem like pulling teeth to communicate with.

And now I have found it. It is of course tempered by all of the other problems I am having health-wise, and I am often mad that I feel I am not ableto appreciate it as much as I should. I feel like had this happened a few weeks ago I'd be just in love with the situation, relaxed, and joyful all the time. Instead, in some ways, my anxiety issues are at an all time high, and I really don't like that. My brain fog makes it so sometimes things seem too far away to process or appreciate. But through it all I remain determined to acknowledge and make sure to appreciate the good things that have befallen me.

It seems in part that I have found a partial answer to why I seem to have trouble relating to so many people. I need people who are much more emotional, much more expressive, and verbally express their understanding. And after meeting RM I know it is possible.

The question i,s, can I use this knowledge to help me not be pissed off by other people?

I a,m thinkingthat will be difficult. The response is too ingrained. Perhaps with therapy but that isnt an option due to MCS. for most paer. Can I try to seek out people who I can educate, who I can use this knowledge to show them how to best communicate with me in a way that will make me less likely to bite off their head? I hope so.

To be honest, I really do try to restrain myself. I do not consider myself a rude person, I do not attack people verbally, I'm not really that bad.... I think it's mostly my tone of voice that I am not aware of until after the fact that can take on an overly irritated tone that can be offensive to others. I do very closely watch my words so as not to be offensive but to monitor both that and be aware of my tone of voice and prevent hair trigger reactions to triggers is something I find very difficult.

So....some good lessons and understanding here tonight I think.

Kate

Strong in the Broken Places

The saying, "You get stronger in the broken places," is one that is sometimes difficult to take to heart. It's hard to think of ever being strong in a place that has hurt so much in the past. But it seems, I have found, that it can happen.

It seems that we do have the power to heal ourselves. The progress cannot be seen immediately. It cannot be easily measured by the day, month or even year sometimes. But over a span of several years, if we have the courage to keep trying and perservering despite our ghosts, we might find, as another famous quote goes, that we have lived our way into an answer.

Or to quote it fully, by Ranier Marie Rilke, a quote that really says it all: "I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

On a bright, sunny and beautiful afternoon, I was making my way up a busy road, headed for an ice cream place in Newport. I had my Walkman on and was enjoying the music, the sunshine, and the high that comes from actually knowing where I was going. It was a new town that I had just moved to, and I was used to getting lost. I had a smile on my face and was almost there, when someone shouted "Hey!" and I looked up, automatically. A derogatory comment followed, a man in a car with the windows down zipping by. Let's just say it started with weird and ended with a word that rhymes with witch.

My first reaction, I am happy to report, was of pity for the man. Here I was, walking to an ice cream place, enjoying a sunny day, enjoying life, and his life was obviously so miserable that he had to get joy out of yelling insults at strangers. I mean, honestly, how happy can a man who needs to entertain himself by yelling at strangers from moving cars be? Such a person obviously has major insecurities, major self esteem issues, major satisfaction with life issues. It's pitiful, really, it's a shame. It's degrading - to him, not me. It's a reflection on the kind of person he is and the life that he leads - not on me.

It was at that moment that I realized my life was rich - and that his was not. It was that point I realized, I had found ways to make myself happy in life, despite my many challenges. I didn't need much. I just needed a sunny day and an ice cream place. He, on the other hand, our nameless road rage guy, needed to put down others to get his jollies. Again, what a miserable existence. I thought I was poor, yet I found I was rich.

I also can't pretend the comment didn't hurt at all. That would be foolish to do. It still did, a little, but it was maybe 70% feeling sorry for him and even amused that someone would find it necessary to do such a thing - is my joy threatening to him? Does the prospect of happiness in the world, the idea of happiness overtly expressed, scare him? I have come too far in my life, I have worked way too hard on accepting myself, on finding ways to access the world, to accomodate my difficulties and find ways to participate, and even participate happily, in the world to let someone rain on my parade now.

And that is the other thing that I realized as I thought about this incident (but not, of course, until after I had made my way to the ice cream place and enjoyed some expresso ice cream and some more sunshine). Pride in realizing how far I have come, and pride in realizing that I am indeed strong in the broken places. It is not so much of a stretch to remember what I used to be like. I don't like to do it, but I can. I can remember the me who used to be terrified of others, terrified of everyone I met, sure that every one of them was laughing behind my back, telling stories about me to their friends, about to turn on me in any second. I lost my trust in people for a good long time after my junior high and early high school experiences. I was traumatized and afraid. Years of bullying had left its mark. I had no self-esteem, I was afraid to breathe wrong, walk wrong, talk wrong, and so on. I was paranoid about what people thought about me.

But, you know what I think saved me is my basic sense of integrity to myself. I always knew there was no sense in changing yourself to please others. The reasons are obvious. So I didn't. I withdrew from people, became terribly isolated, lonely and depressed, but I never stopped being true to who I was. I never stopped expressing my thoughts, wearing what I wanted to wear, listening to what I wanted to listen to, thinking what I wanted to think. And years later, when I finally got around a group of people who could accept me for who I was, accept every quirk, accept every difference, they healed the broken spots. They restored my ability to trust in people again. They restored my sense of self-esteem, my sense of connection to others. And they gave me permission to be myself and be proud of it. I learned not to be ashamed of myself.

See, I never lost myself. Some people do, I know. I have heard so many stories of chamaeleons, teenagers who want so badly to fit in with their peer group they go through a million different incarnations, trying to please others so hard that when they finally come up for air, they can't remember who they are anymore. I never lost myself, I just lost my ability to trust other people, to have friendships and relationships with other people. I lost my ability to be a part of the world around me, in a sense.
I wasn't an exceedingly social person before this happened, a lot which could be attributed to my (late in life) Asperger's diagnosis, but the peer abuse took away my ability to see myself as a person in relation to others.

So what happened, and how did I find my way back? It was such a long process, that I couldn't have told you it was happening when it was. My first year or two of college, I was scared and skittish and had awful flashbacks of mistreatment by peers in previous times whenever I'd get near, well, anyone my age. Which, you know, is kind of a hard thing to deal with in a college environment when you're surrounded by other college students. I had massive self-esteem issues and regularly entertained sobbing fits when I compared myself to others.

By my junior year or so, I realized something. No one had made fun of me in two years. No one had given any indication of being uncomfortable around me. Hell, people had even given me compliments. They said my dancing was beautiful. They said my joy was contagious. They said I was smart, I was a good person to be around. I realized, I could be as quirky as I wanted, I could wander around singing at the top of my lungs, I could do whatever, be whatever, and no one would give me a second glance. No one ever commented on how weird or strange I was. Hell, I used to hold my breath when I heard someone coming, convinced they were talking about me and laughing at me. And one time, my fears were confirmed. A group of guys, one saying something along the lines of "Isn't it a little bit odd that she does X?" and the other one saying "No, I think it's great/beautiful/etc." I don't remember the exact conversation. I just remember being so surprised that this guy thought so well of me.

In four years, four years!!, I got maybe 2 remarks that were at all negative. One was made by a group of drunk kids coming back from a party one night. I paid them no mind; I knew they were drunk, and I knew they weren't usually like that sober. True to form, the next day one of the kids came up to me and apologized. Apologized! I loved Goucher; where else do drunks harass you and then apologize the next day? I couldn't even remember what he was talking about when he did so, at first; and then I just laughed at the kindness.

I stopped looking behind my back; I stopped worrying about what people thought; I gained my sense of my self back. I became far more confident about engaging in conversations, about participating in anything social. I began to think when someone talked to me, it was because they actually WANTED to talk to me, not because they were dared to talk to me by their friends. Seriously, it's bizarre to think about, but I would watch anyone who came over to talk to me when they went back to their friends and wait for them to burst out in laughter, sure they were laughing about me. These are thoughts I haven't thought about in a while and perhaps it's best that I didn't; but like I said before - I'm stronger in the broken places. The fact that I can even write about this without becoming as emotional or feeling as much pain as I did a few years ago, when I used to write about it incessantly to try to find some kind of closure - is a wonderful thing in itself.

I realized finally that I was an okay person. I was a good person. Sure, I had my strengths and weaknesses like any other person. I was far from perfect. But I was okay. I was a worthy person. I was worth talking to. And somewhere along the way, I decided, Life is short, there are few pleasures in life, and one of the pleasures is in being myself and in following my heart. In being myself and doing things that I enjoy, even if they're not done the way others do them, even if they don't make sense to others, even if they look weird to others. If it ain't hurting them, then I don't care. Life is short and you have to enjoy it however you're able to. It's too short to give away your ability to enjoy things to others, to give them the power to dictate that.

My freshman year roommate said something I will always remember that sums things up nicely. She said during one of my self-pity "why am I different" sobbing fests, "Kate, I don't care if you do cartwheels backwards down Van Meter Highway singing country songs as long as you're happy." I might not have been able to take the message to heart at the time it was given, but I sure did remember it later.

So when that idiot in a speeding car felt the need to increase his self-esteem bank by taking from mine, I didn't fall for that trap. In high school, years after the peer abuse had stopped, I was so paranoid about it happening again that I absolutely fell to pieces at any suggestion of it. Eight years later, I know that my value is not measured by someone else's actions. My value is measured by what I think about myself; by how I treat others; by the abilities, thoughts, actions, and so on that *I* value, and I find important. There are many things I like about myself. And several I don't. But I have realized that my way of doing things is as good or bad as anyone else's, and I don't need to change just because someone who doesn't even know me cries wolf.

It's not to say everything's perfect; I still have self-esteem issues, like many do. I still sometimes wonder about my value in other's eyes. I still have relational troubles, connecting with others at times. There's a lot I still need to work on. But I have a basic level of comfort with myself that I would have never thought possible before college. I am more okay with myself than I thought I ever could be.

Do I like the illnesses that I have, that limit and restrict my world in so many ways? No. Do I like the personality qualities I have that enable me to deal with these limitations with humor and perservarance? Do I like my ability to connect with others in the ways I have developed, even as I wish for more? Yes. Do I like how I keep trying, and keep growing? Yes. I like who I am at heart; I don't like my life circumstances. There is a difference. But I have something to be proud of.

Those broken places have come a long way to healing, and the guy in the car today was a good reminder of that. Even if there is some discomfort in the reminder, it is a good one to realize that I have healed myself from much trauma in my past; perhaps, then, I can do the same for the equally daunting challenges that lie in my present and future. I have new broken places that need healing, and I am oh so impatient with the pace. But if my past is any indication, then, perhaps, I will find a way to heal these, too. Perhaps I will find a way to live my way into an answer.

Meanwhile, I need to keep enjoying my sunny days and ice cream, and say to hell with anyone who has a problem with that. I need to celebrate what I have, and celebrate that I am able to do this in the first place.

Of Salmon, Sand and Sun: Newport, again

So, I have a question for anyone who knows anything about Blogger.

I have set it to private but for 5 or 6 people. The reason is I am afraid of the Liberty debacle happening again - the reason I left Liberty, or had to leave, was because my landlord found my blog and didn't like what was in it one bit. Never mind that all I did was complain about the lack of food in the town and that can hardly construed to be offensive....Never said anything bad about any people, just about the food... Whatever.... He was a small town mind. But even though I have nothing negative to say about anyone here, and am mostly just writing my thoughts about places and experiences and such, I decided to be smart and restrict it to just a few people who I knew liked the blog and regularly commented. That way no one could stumble upon it and cause trouble in any way. It also probably helps that I'm not advertising it on lists and MCS chat rooms like last time, but that's another story .

But the gadget that tells you where people are from is still showing people from states that I don't know people in. So that is telling me that maybe it is not working. I keep seeing MA show up, and I think somewhere in the midwest, and it just showed Eugene, Oregon. Which is iffy because anyone from Oregon except for Tanya could be someone who knows me or someone I know which would probably not be good, again, not that I'm hiding anything, I'm not writing anything I wouldn't want to get out, but I still would like to know who's reading this.

Tanya is far away enough from Eugene that I assume Blogger wouldn't list her as being frm there, but who knows. It seems to list me as being from Illinois - why I have no idea - so maybe the gadget is just wacko.

I have people from let's see, Ontario, southern Oregon, Vermont, (maybe that person is close enough to MA that it reads it as that, but that would seem weird, it never gets the cities exactly right though), Tuscon, Montana, Baltimore, and New Orleans. So anything that is not near those cities, does not belong. I think there's one from the Midwest somewhere too.

Anyway I won't worry too much about it but if anyone knows anything about that, let me know.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

There is a printer going upstairs, it is very noisy. So it will be hard to focus but I will try.

OKAY. Like an hour later. Printer is done. Kate is tired. Time to write now. Chest is bothering me now. I wanted to write when first got home so had energy. But what else is new? I will push thru the fatigue to bring you all the writing I need to get done in order to maintain my sanity, lol.
I wonder why my chest is hurting now. I just ate stuff. Maybe that, who knows? I do like those vegetable crackers thougj.

Okay, FOCUS. I need to start with 2 things, which are mostly reminders to myself.

Today has proven that:

1. No matter how bad you think it is, it will ALWAYS, ALWAYS get better. No matter how bad it seems, it will get better. Change the environment and change the feelings. Be patient while waiting for different environment to change things. Just try to remember that things can better and with an environment change you will be and can be functional again. Just have patience and wait for things to click.

I tell myself that over and over again. The message never sinks in. Everything time I overcome all odds to actually enjoy myself, I write about it, I tell it to myself, I say it loud. It never sticks. The next time I feel bad, I panic all over again - but I keep hoping - if I write it enough times, if I experience it enough, one day it will stick. I wish I wasn't so traumatized from my 3rd apartment experience - if it wasn't for that I could probably believe that I'm not going to be permanently damaged by X, Y, or Z symptom I am having. But then kind of shook me to put it mildly. Whatever....

Anyway. So , today RM had 10:30 appt and lasted till 6:30, which was perfect as I do better with longer days so I have a few hours to relax and ease into the day - when I'm rushed I can't enjoy anything. And getting up at 8:30 was MUCH more favorable than 7, let me tell you - I got out of bed much more easily and was moire awake etc.

Anyway. So got to town at 10:15 or so. Day started off badly as I realized when I stepped out of the van - it was a little humid. For the first time in Newport (but not Siletz) the air felt thick and hard to breathe in. I thought I was screwed, can't walk all over town if I can't breathe. But I set out anyway, had a hell of a time walking down to the Bayfront and then around the Bayfront, chest was hurting and each step felt so heavy and labored, I was not enjoying myself at all and was thinking, what if this is the end of it all? what if the air never gets better, if i stop being able to even walk? I know, I know, I'm the queen of disaster, crisis thinking. I can't seem to stop. Oh well. Anyway, to my credit, I do one thing well, and that is realize the importance of routines and plans: No matter how crappy you feel, if you have a routine to follow, you know what to do and can kind of push yourself thru the motions. Now, even if you still feel crappy at the end of the day you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you got what you wanted done, and in the best case scenario, the activities will distract you from how you're feeling so given enough time you will start to feel good again. The latter is what usually happens, eventually anyway, and I am thankful for that.

So I walked to the boats on one side and then the pier with the salmon restaurant on the other. Sat and watched the boats go by. At 12 I decided to walk back to ice cream pier. (pier with the ice cream shop) as the shop opened at 12. I saw all the people watching the fishermen skin their fish on tables below, which cheered me up a bit and was fun to watch. I decided not to get ice cream as didn't want somethng that sugary that early in the day. My next plan was to go to the state park, but I knew I needed something to eat before I did that. I didnt want candy , but I couldn't go into any of the restaurants. Dilemma as usual!! Plus at noontime they were all full to the brim with people. So I decided I would have to find something edible at the one outdside resteraunt, ie, they have tables and a window where you can order things from outside - my idea of heaven. This town is very MCS friendly in that way - order food outside, doors open everywhere, some shops small enough that you can stand in the doorway and tell the shop-person what you want without even having to go inside. Some of them might give you a dirty look (like the ice cream person by the bay) but others are very helpful and nice (like the woman at the fish market). Most seem helpful and willing, the ditzy 20 something at the ice cream shop today was an exception. Her friend took over for her and asked what I want and came to the door to take my money - see, there are intelligent life forms on this planet.
I mean she was 5 feet from the door - it wasn't really that hard. She didn't have any other customers.

Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, lunch. Yea so I scanned the menu very intently at the streetside food stand. What the hell is fish and chips anyway that I'd like to know.... lol. Most I didn't like.
I asked how the chicken was made and dismissed it as being way too iffy, they were out of crab which seemed safe, so there was only one thing left. The Salmon Sub. Now, I've had a lot of salmon in my life, but it's never been on a sub. Or in any other form than a fillet, or lox. So I'm getting a bit leery of the many things locals like to do to salmon here to make it taste, in my opinion, almost nothing like the salmon I'm used to.

I asked the guy, "Is it baked, grilled, how is it made?"
He said "Neither" and joked with me that it was raw.
Finally he said it was smoked and I said, do you mean like lox?
And he said no, thicker, like tuna (which meant nothing to me)
Finally he showed it to me as I had no idea what kind of mystery meat was used for the sandwhich and I wanted to know before I decided to eat it!
It looked edible so I got it.
It was soooo weird I still can't describe it. It was like, in little pieces. And it tasted kind of slimy and weird. The consistency was kind of slimy. Maybe like uh I don't know. It was just beyond words. It wasn't necessarily bad but it wasn't good either. But hey, at least it was protein and a decent, healthy meal. It did give me energy for hours later so I was glad I'd gotten it. I just wish to hell I could describe it. Salmon should not come in that form, lol.

So then I went to the state park and my Gosh was the view astounding, right before you get there under the bridge the view of the sandbar, the rocks jutting into the ocean, the sand dunes, beach, the little ...... inlet of South Beach jutting out into the water, the boats, the bridge..... all that in one view is just simply astounding, and put me in a good mood.

Walking down to the beach I heard California Girls by the Beach Boys on the radio and thought that was a very appropriate song.

I also heard Let it Be on the beach and several other great Beatles songs.

So, my objective was to walk out to that long rocky whatever you call it that jutted out way into the ocean - what do you call that?

It looked so fun from far away. But when I got there, it was like I was in the middle of a desert sandstorm. Omg! I've never experienced anything like that before. The wind was very strong, something I knew might happen, but what I didn't anticipate was the interaction of the sand and wind - the wind blew the sand in your eyes, stung your face, every which way. I realized as soon as I got on the rocks that it really wasn't safe and started to try to leave immediately, but it wasn't very easy at all. I felt stuck there for a few minutes - the sand wind was so strong as soon as I turned around to go down it struck my face immediately and I was afraid I'd get it into my eyes. I couldn't close my eyes because I needed to be able to see to get down the rocks. A dilemma indeed. Eventually I got down but the sand wind was almost as bad below, going back in the reverse direction, with the wind against me. I hate sand, I hate walking thru sand, I hate the resistance it gives you. That and the resistance from the wind made each step feel like a thousand steps, and I had quite a time getting back. When I finally did get back up, I collapsed into a picnic bench, holding my hand over my heart to feel how fast it was beating, thinking I'd never be able to breathe again, I was so winded. Within a few minutes I felt all right again but man that sucked. I'm so done with sand. I hate walking in sand. Hate it. I love rock beaches but hate sand.

Anyway called a friend for a few minutes and then was off back to town and less windier points.

Stopped at the bayfront ice cream place I had wanted to go before, ice cream was okay - not great but not bad - woman was a bit rude but no matter I got the ice cream - and it gave me energy to walk back.

Whee, I'm getting sleepy now, wish I didn't get sleepy so easily, there is so much to write about. Maybe I need to become a coffee drinker, lol.

Walked up to Oceana instead of back to the office so I could use the bathroom there. Opposite end of that part of town, so took a bit, but easier than going up the street to the office from the BF.

And this is where everything changed.

I sat on the bench outside Oceana when I got there. Didn't plan to, was just going into use the bathroom, but I did. It was beautiful, sunny, the sun was strong there. It felt good. I relaxed. I got into the music. I started singing along. I started enjoying myself. I sat there for around 20 minutes, then thought I was going inside, but it felt good to be outside in that empty parking lot, so much open space around me and so many good songs on the radio. I put my sweatshirt and bag down. I stretched and spun and tried to dance a little, but mostly just moved my body aroudn to feel the warm sunshine and beautiful air on them. And I was able to get lost in the music, for the first time since I got here, properly lost in the music for a good 20-30 minutes or so. Get lost in the music and just be into it and happy and connected to it, and the fresh air and sunshine and beautiful empty parking lot. Empty parking lots often seem to be where I come alive the most often, in the right circumstances I'm guessing, perhaps because on the one hand they suggest so much - a business is nearby, exciting. But the parking lot itself has no pressures, no expectations. If you're at a beach or scenic area, the expectation is to enjoy it. If you're in a parking lot there are no such expectations. But there's open, empty beautiful space, and I tend to feel very free and good when in an outside area with tons of empty space, yet still well defined and having boundaries to that open space - if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway, so Elvis's "In the Ghetto" came on and the last verse I closed my eyes and was able to completely lose myself and shut out everything, just for one verse. One verse but that was good enough to have a taste of that wonderful connected feeling I treasure so much.

I am obviously glad I haven't lost the ability to feel joy and that I was able to finally capture that long elusive feeling I have been seeking for so long. It is elusive as hell and you can't force it; the more you want it the less likely you probably are to get it. But it happens, when you least expect it, and then it is absolutely beautiful.

It only happens it seems when I'm a) not expecting it to (probably because lack of pressure) and when I've had lots of time already in the day to do my thing and to get to the point where I'm convinced myself I'm functional (every day I have to get up and convince myself the world hasn't fallen apart since I last went to sleep, that I am still intact mentally and physically, it's exhausting to say the least), so anyway if I've been out for a few hours and have managed to do enough to be able to relax and be secure in the fact that I have done stuff, then and only then can I start to, sometimes, relax and start to truly enjoy myself. And SOMETIMES, not often but sometimes, I can get lost in the music and wander around someplace in a happy daze.... Sometimes. But it's worth it's weight in gold when it happens and I need to remember this because it's proof that things can change on a dime, for the better.

I must have spent an hour wandering around outside Oceana and then went inside and didn't react hardly at all and spent a good long while looking at every product they carry.... (natural food store) and discovered their cookie aisle which was quite enticing, lol.

When I left there a little after 4 or so, I didn't want to go back to the car yet, even though I'd been out for almost six hours. Didn't feel like it! Add to that I didn't actually know HOW to get back to the office, Haha. So, my feet decided to point me in the direction of the ice cream shop I knew was up the street and a few blocks west. I mostly went because I wanted to see if I remembered how to get there from the one time I went and stumbled upon it accidentally. So I did. It feels so good to know how to get places, how to get around - Bayfront, State Park, Oceana, office, ice cream shop....They all connect to each other. Wander around enough and you'll realize the interconnectedness of it all and how to get from any given place to any other place using a number of routes. Hasn't happened yet completely but it is starting to and that is nice.

Anyway found the ice cream place, an idiot yelled some idioacy at me along the way, always good for a chuckle, but got over it. Expresso ice cream - to die for. Their expresso IC is homemade and so strong and flavorful. Might be best ice cream I have ever had. Not best gelato but IC. Conclusion, that shop is so much better than the one by the bay.

Anyway, so then I was happy to realize I knew how to get back to the office from there, down the street and then to the left a bit, so that made me happy. When I got back to the van at 4:30 I couldn't believe I had been out wandering around for 6 hrs! It sure didn't feel like it.

I rested and called my grandma for half an hour and then talked to my friend N for an hour. I love cell phone reception, and being ablet to t alkto people. 6:30 came really quickly and RM was back in the car. We went back to Oceana to shop, and I got some delicious tasty blueberriesd and raspberries among other things. I love their fruit. And then we went home by 7:30.

So, when the fog rolls back in, when the health stuff starts gtting to me, when I'm feeling frustrated, I just need to remember that all this is possible, that joy and happiness will happen again, and that I just need to figure out a way t obe patient.

Going in tomorrow for short time; afternoon appt at 2 and then going to a place called Otter Rock nearby for an appt that she has there. Then have to wash my clothes, always a challenging task, that will be interesting.

Hopefully I can use these memories to bolster me. Fridat will probably be home need to get writing done and sokme phone calls I hope.

It would be good to go in more as I feel so good there and so crappyhere most of the time but what can ya do we will see.

Okay i am falling asleep I am glad I got to write that :)

Night
Kate

Too many thoughts

I am so sleepy, for the second night in a row. It is way too early for me to be sleepy and it is not like I haven't gotten enough sleep . So that annoys me !!! Very much but I need to write about this so I will try.

I'd go eat someth ing which almost always gives me energy but it didn't work last night and probablt won't tonight.

This sucks.

Anyway.

****

Okay, so this won't be poetry or even particularly good. My brain won't think, can't think of the words needed to put it together in a way that sounds good or draws the reader in, a neat paragraph illustrating the concepts I want to illustrate. Where did this crushing fatigue come from? I rarely have a problem with this, ever. It scares me to have it two nights in a row. What am I going to do? How am I going to make a life out of all these problems? If I can't write about it, I can't process it; if I can't process it, then I am dead meat because that is what my life is about. I need to write to process to experience to understand. I need to be able to understand, I need to be able to feel. I'm useless when I get up. Am I now going to be useless at the end of the day too? I suppose that leaves the middle but RM is usually home then and I am distracted and then it's dinner time and am hungry....I dunno....I just don't know.

Everyone replied to my pictures today. Not everyone but a lot of people. Probably a dozen yesterday and a dozen today, and not all the same dozen either. Wonderful comments and it warmed my heart to get so many compliments, especially from the pictures yesterday, especially from people I hadn't talked to in a while that were so happy for me. It warmed your heart to see, like I said.

But today, most of the responses I got, while very well meaning and not seemingly harmful, enraged me instead of warming me. It wasn't the fault of the senders for anything they said, not at all. No, it was my fault for trying to perpetuate what sometimes seems a charade. The cognitive dissonance, as I said in a previous post, is killing me. Killing me. I live in a picture perfect fairy tale place with a woman who is seemingly perfect in every way and continues to amaze me in every way. Yet I just feel brain dead and unable to process or feel the joy of these good things most of the time; my anxiety over my health issues and the aforementioned health issues are at an all time high. The split between the two is pretty much unbearable most of the time. So when I got all of these comments in my email in which roughly half of the people said something like "I am so glad you are finally able to experience a sense of joy and vitality," "I am so glad you are happy, looks you found the perfect place" and other comments referring to finally finding a sense of peace and stability when that's anything but what I feel, especially when I feel that is the way I should feel, you can maybe see why I just about lost it and was completely enraged. Not at the people who sent the emails, like I said, what did they know? I was enraged at myself and the situation. I still am. I don't know what to do about it, really. The emotions need to be worked out in my head somehow. I need to be awake for that to happen. Hahahahaha.
I totally forget what I was going to write about this. I have been staring off into space all day thinking of things, mulling things over, and imagining what I might write about it later on, only to find I'm too sleepy and brain fogged to put into words what my brain so desperately needs to expel. That is FRUSTRATING!

I'd go stuff myself with junk food if I thought it would help but last night it didn't. I wish I had gotten the Trader Joe's stuff 2 weeks ago so maybe I would have felt better then. I will on Friday. Too long.

On the one hand I love feedback from people, especially positive, on the other hand it feels so hollow when they generalize from one instance - my day on the coast - to the whole living situation, I guess that is what bothers me.

Okay, focus. Back. What the fuck is the purpose of joy, I have been thinking....if it is followed by days of feeling like this? And then I thought, what the hell did I think. Um. Something about joy. Joy. About if feeling joy is real or not. If I was feeling joy. The dog is so loud, he is licking himself. I wish he would go back to sleep. Okay. If i was feeling joy..... because everyone said I was feeling joy.....but I don't think I was. Or if I was, it wasn't like it used to be. I know what joy used to feel like and this isn't it. I used to feel joy quite easily despite my difficult living circumstances. I felt it in my mind, my body, my soul. I felt it physically and emotionally. It made me dance and sing. It made me feel light and air. It made me feel connected. It was good. Now, I don't deny that I have enjoyed all of the outings I have been on. I have. I have soaked up every detail and I have enjoyed them. But I have done it all from a vantage point too far away. A mind too far away. I have felt like I was looking at most of it from afar, pushing my tired bloated body into doing what I knew it needed and wanted to do, and doing it, but with a sense of joy very dampened. I know intellectually that everything I have done is fun and great and beautiful; but the emotional is missing - or if it is there, it is at 10% of what it used ot be. Maybe, because I am used to feeling things so strongly, what I felt was equivalent to what most people feel and therefore would be deemed "good enough"? How would I know what people normally feel, so I don't know. But it's not me. I was thinking - in college I had an enormous amount of intense ups and downs. I would go from absolutely euphoric to severely depressed and nearly almost suicidal many, many timese each day. The feelings lasted a few minutes each, maybe an hour or two - and then switched back to the other. I didn't usually have any in betweens. It was exhausting on one hand, but exhilarating and wonderful on the other. And looking back - in my post college life depending on living sitution I was a little mroe I guess "mellowed out" in that neither the highs or lows were anywhere nearly as intense,and it was a little boring, a little depressing, to not havw those highsl. But I still had some so it was okay. And now to not be able to experience them at all it seems - and for some reason not as much, in some ways not as many lows either but - but - I don't like it . I would trade the extreme highs and lows for college, to have those highs. To feel that ecstacy, the feeling of pure bliss, the feeling of being alive and loving it, of feeling connected to the earth, the blue sky, the world, of being enveloped in bliss (usually found from wandering around the grounds with radio on, but high on the world), is worth it. It is worth the lows, which were usually depression from comparing myself to others which is particularly easy to do in a college environment. I want those back again. That is living, that is life . I want the emotional highs it doesn't matter how bad your life is and how much distress you have on a dailt basis if you have the highs too. this is frustrating.

So sleepy again Need to focus.

Most things I need to write about or relive to appreciate. So in writing it it might seem like the joy was more porportionate to what it was, because it is easier to experience or describe joy in things after the fact, for me. But what is joy? I mean can I honestly say ... God, i cant keep a thought in my head long enough to write it, so this isn't going os well to write about it. should stop while im ahead.

I can't figure out if i actually enjoyed what i purported to enjoy in my writings and pictures that my grandfather raved about. I know I enjoyed it a little but to what degree, to a degree acceptable? to a degree that makes the rest of life worth living? life must have value. lately i am feeling mine does not. this despite living in such a great environment. it's a bit worriesome. i dunno. i love RM, i love the ocean , but i cant stand the way im feeling.

In many ways I havent felt as many acutely negative emotions either tho. All the stuff with the lost bagggage and any of the many challenges Ive had since Ive come - no anxiety no worrying about them for most part. I attributer that mostly to RM's calming and grounding presence. But who knows maybe my emotions are so flatteened I cant feel acute good or bad and thats not good. I do still feel anxierty when I thibk of health stuff but its different from before. its more generalized, more free floatting general level all the time instead of acute. acute was maybe better because although it was really really bad for a short time it wenr away quickly and then i was fine, this kind seems to never go away and that's not good.

i have got to finish writing this.
i wanted to end this by putting something in perspective. that was put into perspective for me.
A woman I dont know well responded to my pictures on facebook by saying "Wow, you are so blessed to have seen that and captured its beauty!"

Not, "wow, your life is perfect now I'm so happy for you" but a comment instead that captured a very distinct and finite moment in time. In a sense - it was something I could understand. I mean. Something I could agree wirth. I AM blessed to have seen such an amazing sight. I AM blessed to have captured its beauty. That doesn't make any statements about the rest of my life or the quality of my life, just that I was blessed to have been able to experience that moment. That one moment. For better or for worse - it does not matter what comes before or what comes after, but that ONE MOMENT was good, and that, I suppose, is all that matters.

Man, I have worked myself into a tizzy over this huh. I wonder if it's an Asperger thing , to be so obsessed with the accuracy of statements made about you? I have always been like that. Can't stand if someone guesses mty feelings wrong or makes an incorrect statement about me. Can't stand it. As Aspies we need a way to make sense of the world. Maybe this is one way. I don't know. Doesn't seem to be serving me so well does it? But these are important questions, they would have come up one way or another.

I wonder if I'm reacting to my clothes. lately i have noticed i feel worse when i put them on after my shower. there is a smell of some sorts, i seem to be reacting to . but i need clothes. i cant freak out about my clothes or i wont be able to function at all. hmm what a dilemma. clothes suck. did i mention i have 1-2 pairs? sensory issues + MCS reactions to clothes = really suck.

Em so this was about the most disjointed post I have ever written.

That wasn't even what i wanted to write about too. Go figure.

i wanted to write about, well. i like my roommate so much and i wanted to write somethign to let her know how amazing i find her to be. i have pointed out things i like about her verbally sometimes so she knows i think but i just feel like. well. if everything goes to hell like most of my friendships/livin situations do i want her to know beforehand how amazing she is. i dont know. i just feel like it should be commemorated.

she gave me 2 compliments today. that made me feel really good. 1) was she asked me to take out the compost and I asked if it could wait an hour as I needed my alone time on the computer to wake up, had just gotten up. She said that was okay and then several minutes later said "I said that was okay because I know you'll actually do it, you do things when you say you will." And I felt so good because no one has ever said that to me in my life, usually people tell me I don't do things or some other similarly negative comments, I don't think I've ever got such a positive compliment in my life. It made me feel good about myself. And I did take the compost out later, when I was more awake and the air had gotten better. :)

2) we were discussing music and she said she had a simon and garfunkel cd i could listen to, i said would be happy to listen to it when she was gone one day since she doesn't like music or noise of any kind in the house usually, and so i dont listen to the radio or any music when she's home and awake, which is kind of a big sacrifice for me as i usually listne to the radio 24/7 but is more than worth it to be able to live her, and i understand sensory issues so i want her to be comfortable too. anyway so she said after i said that about the cd "well we could listen to it when im here too" and i said "well i thought you didn't like music in the house" and that led into her compliment of "you're doing a great job being careful with the music, i really appreciate it, thank you" i said thank you back for the compliment and she said "no thank YOU" and i felt good that i was able to do this thing that made her happy and to be a good roommate.

***

The compromise thing - it's actually happening. I'm compromising on the not playing music, she is on the windows. I can't stand open windows most of the time. The air has been humid and that means I can't breathe. Not east coast humid but still . She hates not having the windows open, she wants air circulating. So she opens the upstairs ones but leaves the downstairs ones closed for me when I want them closed. We are bending to fit each other's needs, and I think that is a beautiful thing.

If she has some food she thinks I'll like, she offers it to me. If I cook something, I always make enough for her, because I like to make people happy and food is a good way to. Usually I make baby potatoes with olive oil and spices, and make enough for her as well, and she likes them a lot. I made a lot of fish in the first two weeks which I shared as well. She made some wheat and dairy free pizza the other day, rice crust, pesto, olives, bell peppers, goat cheese , and she offered me some. I decided to try it and i actually loved it - never thught i would have in a million yrs. i've also tried vegetable rice crackers (good but addictive) , licorice root tea, steamed veggies, oitehr things I can't remmeber. This recriprocity is also really nice.

Finally, the laughter, I want to mention. I love the laughter. I love that we both can use it. We both use humor to spin negative things into positives. We can both appreciate bizarre humor, making jokes out of difficultt subjects. She laughs at everything and I love the sound of her laugh. She doesn't give me a weird look when I'm trying to make a joke out of some problem I'm having so as not to think about it; she laughs. She gets the joke. And I get hers. And laugh at them. That is another kind of recriprocity, and I love it.

Usually I am a very defensive and somewhat quick to anger person. I don't like this but I am, with most people. Not all the time but a lot. Most people just piss me off. I know they don't mean to. It's mostly communication difficulties, misunderstanding, nonverbal language, whatever. But I get annoyed easily if I feel someone is not understanding me correctly. And with my ASD difficulties, I feel that way almost all the time. And I show it more than I would like. So it is amazing to say that I have not felt that way once in the entire almost month I have been here with RM. Not once. I talk to my grandfather and as much as I love him I feel that way 10 times in 20 minutes. Most people I have to bite my tongue after spending half an hour with them. Not once that I can remember in a MONTH have I felt that way with her. I feel thoroughly understood by her and we communicate so well that I never have once feel attacked or misunderstood or defensive. That is really weird but really nice. Sure makes our relationship better too. I am afraid I will not be able to communicate with anyone else after being spoiled by her: I was impatient enough before, how impatient will I be after knowing what is possible? I suppose I'll just have to find a way t oput up with it again. Add to it the plus that she hasn't seemed annoyed by ME, either, and that's even more of a miracle. That's like front page new york times news. First time in my life that has happened. See my dilemma here? See the cognitive dissonance? I have found a person so perfect, yet I think her house may be making me sick . DAH. Not good. I don't know that for sure but I know there are a lot of mold issues in this part of the country with all the rain and etc and the room I am staying in had mold issues recently which she tried to take care of with ozone, and so I have to wonder in the back of my mind.

In regards to the first three items: people with autism and AS as I am sure anyone with any familiarity with ASD knows , have enormous, enormous problems with recriprocity. I know I always have. Both with feeling connected to others, with ever feeling in the same rhtym or being able to show R... I can;t even explain it, I don;t have the words but you know what Imean. So this feels kind of amazing.

It needed to be recorded.

But now I need to go to bed and hope the world looks brighter tomorrow .

Wed going to newport.

Am still planning on going to Bend in either mid or late June so that's another change. Gah. A change I think I want, but it's hard figuring out for sure.

night
Kate

Yachats Pictures

My Yachats and Cape Perpetua pictures can be found here:

http://s579.photobucket.com/albums/ss236/kgoldfie/Yachats/

Enjoy!

I got some really good ones, I think. Pretty cool place.

Newport, Oregon in Pictures

TA DA!

My pictures are done! My pictures are done!

I lied. I decided to finish the pictures anyway. After three weeks of getting the camera, figuring out how to use it, how to load pictures on the computer, save, upload, find a photo sharing site that actually works, etc etc etc the album is done and ready to be viewed!

So go over to Photobucket:

http://photobucket.com/newportoregon?albumview=grid

and take a look!

Then come back here and tell me what you think :)

And then read my post about Yachats below if you haven't seen it yet (I always worry people will miss a post I just wrote if I post one right after it...)

and have a good day!

Kate