Since I was on a roll for once I wrote a second essay tonight. Any comments or insight welcome. Especially from AS people or parents who can tell me if any of this sounds familiar. But comments from all welcome.
Assembling the Pieces of a Broken Past
It is hard to figure out sometimes, isn't it, what made you the person that you are. You can look at your faults, you can look at the unique issues only you have, and you ask yourself, what went wrong? Or, at least, why am I the person I am today - good and bad combined?
I was never comfortable around other kids. Not for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories revolve around feeling left out, abandoned, picked on and isolated. Not a happy tale, but a true one nevertheless. I can't isolate individual incidents that caused this, because as far as I can remember, it was always this way. It might be perhaps that I was just far too sensitive to everyday childhood teasing and roughness. There is no excuse for bullying, but it is possible that normal childhood behavior can be misinterpreted by one who is overly sensitive and lacks the ability to understand human motives and intentions very well (perhaps due to something like Asperger's.)
All I remember about other kids is being scared of them. I just remember a palpable fearing of fear around them from first grade on. They were so loud and unpredictable; they laughed in my face; they were fast-moving and boisterous. They didn't make sense. And I, I am sure, did not make sense to them either.
If you didn't put your name on your homework in Mrs. Himmler's first grade class, she would make you stay in for reccess. Other kids would steal my worksheets from me before I had the chance to put my name on them. They'd put them in the basket and make my name go on the board. The blackboard listed the names of the kids who had to stay in because they did something wrong. I didn't mind staying in for reccess because I never went out anyway. I did mind the feeling of helplessness and indignition that came from being framed for something I didn't do.
The halls of the elementary school were big and imposing. I'd go to the school store during recess and lunch and hang out there, buying an eraser for 50 cents or a pencil sharpener for a dollar. Perhaps buying things was a tangible reminder that I could have an effect over something; two quarters gave me an eraser that I could touch and feel and hold on to; but all the effort in the world couldn't make another kid or adult listen to me when I wanted to talk. My shyness and fear of others trapped me when I was in school.
I had a relatively severe speech impediment. I'm just remembering that now; I had forgotten. Maybe that was the difference that set me apart. Maybe that's why I had such a hard time getting any one to listen to me or understand me. Maybe that's why I became so sensitized to the looks of disgust and perplexment on the faces of others. Over and over again I got the message: You make no sense. I don't understand what you're saying. I don't understand *you.*
That is, of course, when people were patient enough to try to figure out what I was saying in the first place. A child doesn't know what a speech impediment is; they only know that no one is listening to them, and everyone seems frustrated by them. That can do things to your self image and understanding of yourself that are pretty ingrained at that age.
I got speech therapy in the later grades and was told I improved greatly; but, of course, I could never tell the difference; I sounded the same to me.
My elementary school memories are filled with memories of not belonging, of being bewildered and overwhelmed by all the people around me. I simply did not fit into any social scene there was. I didn't understand the meaning of social. I didn't understand the meaning of other people. All I knew was that other people were scary, and I had to protect myself from them.
I sometimes hid in the closet during recess so that I wouldn't have to go outside. Most of the time, though, I went to the library instead. The playground was full of rambunctious kids playing, yelling and loudly laughing. They made no sense to me. It could as well been another universe; it felt like an alien universe. I sometimes sat on the cold concrete pavement, reading a book. Sometimes I'd go talk to the librarian, who was friendly and kind and was one of the few people I felt safe talking to. She would share her pretzels with me, and I would feel special.
That's the other thing I did. I'd walk down the hallways of the school reading a book. Literally reading it as I walked - everywhere. It must have seemed so odd. I could never do it now. But I could then. I felt so vulnerable and unprotected in the hallways, this was my way of shutting the world out so I could be calm enough to function.
I remember only a few teasing incidents from these years, strangely enough. There must have been more to have created such a strong sense of fear and otherness from people - or maybe that was always there, a result of my Asperger's, who knows? I often wonder - but I can only remember a few incidents. I know I wrote in my diary about people who were mean to me or who tried to steal my stuff, but it was nothing compared with what happened to me in later years. So why I was so traumatized, I don't know. But it was just the way I was.
And I didn't realize I was, didn't know I was, obviously couldn't put any words to it - it was the only thing I had ever known, the only way I had ever felt, how could I know it was different? All I knew was the feeling of wanting to be away from people, or at least people my own age (I seemed to get along well with babysitters, parents well enough, and some teachers). I couldn't relate to other kids in the least. I spent my time reading, writing, and playing endless board games with my babysitters. As well as just getting lost in my own head.
Speaking of that, that was another coping mechanism I had. Getting lost in my own head. I developed the most complex and intricate games to play in my head whenever I had any downtime. I remember being on the school bus and playing "Guess how many kids will be at the next stop" or playing the ABC game - I would try to make sentences where each word started with the same letter of the alphabet, starting from Anna Ate An Apple all the way to X, Y and Z. I had a complex scoring and point system based on the number of letters used in each word and the length of each sentence. I had several similar word games I played in my head. I played them constantly whenever I was in a scary, unfamiliar or boring situation; I needed to occupy my thoughts and feelings to numb the pain of the outside world, I think. Funny thing is I don't remember labeling it as such; I don't remember ever thinking "I'm sad," "I'm in pain," or any such thing other than "I'm scared," but even then I didn't really label it as such as much as feel it and act in ways to try to mediate it or get away from it (reading, games in my head, staying away from other kids). I even had an index card taped to my desk in sixth grade. I'd write down my "points" on it. All day I'd keep track and gave myself arbitrary points whenever I did something "right" or had courage in a difficult moment or whatever I felt like. And I'd add the scores of my games for the day. I tried to get to a certain level every day. I was so socially unaware that I didn't even realize it looked weird to have an index card with random numbers on it, taped to your desk; when other kids got curious about it and asked repeated questions, it felt very intrusive and scary.
I had a game I played with a teacher in third grade. I'd hold a kickball to my chest and wrap my arms around it, holding it as tight as I possibly could. He'd try to get it from my arms. I always liked this game until the day when I burst into tears and he stood there looking mortified, not being able to figure out what he did wrong. I think I liked the sensory input of the pressure of holding the ball tight to my chest; and maybe I liked it that no one could ever get it from me. Maybe it made me feel safe. Maybe the day I cried was the day they tried a bit too hard to get it - I don't know. It seems almost like it was a physical acting out of the way my life was going - every day I would try so hard to hold everything in and to hold on to my safety and not let other people get to me. It felt like it took as much energy as holding onto that kickball did - holding on for dear life.
I did well in school academically. I followed directions. I was a good and compliant student. I participated in all mandatory activities, like plays and such. But I did it all from a million miles away. I didn't feel connected to anyone. I just felt this all encompassing sense of, when with adults, "What do I have to do to make this person like me/not be mad at me" and with kids "What do I have to do to make them be nice to me." Or, more often "How soon can I get away from them?"
In sixth grade, a classmate tried to pay me seven dollars not to sit next to him. Or perhaps I paid him seven dollars not to be mean to me? I don't remember. I remember that the amount was seven dollars; I remember that it was an ethically dicey situation; and I remember the teacher broke off the deal before it could be completed, and how mad I was about that, even whole realizing in the back of my mind that it kind of compromised my integrity. I didn't care. I was in survival mode. Paying seven dollars for someone to be nice to me was a small price for the reward, and I had no idea how else to go about the task.
In first grade, I was sitting on a bus, and I asked a seventh or eighth grader in a completely sincere tone, "Do you want to be my friend?" Everyone laughed. I had no sense of social norms; I had no sense of who you were supposed to be friends with (age appropriateness) and HOW you were supposed to go about it. I only knew it was something people wanted and did. I think that is the last time I ever asked anyone that question for many, many years.
I'd write in my diary on the bus on the way home, or at lunchtime or recess. I read an average of 5 books a DAY - those puny Babysitter's Club books that I read over and over again and always carried in my backpack. When I got older, into late elementary school and junior high, I'd go home just so utterly exhausted. I'd walk in the door, go up to my room, and just lay on the floor. For hours. That was all I could do after a day spent at school. Lay on my floor. I couldn't, it seems, even make it to the bed. Or for some reason, the floor was more comforting. I don't know.
I was reasonably happy and bubbly enough at home, if I remember right, so I suppose no one really had reason to suspect all the social problems I was having at school. They knew I didn't have friends, but since I had other pursuits such as reading and writing that I was good at, and did well at school, I suppose they just figured it'd come with time. But it didn't. Well, not until the last two years of high school, and that is a hell of a long time to wait to start figuring out how to make friends. Too long. Too much silence in the meantime. Too scarring.
The thing is, despite all this anxiety and fear that came so naturally, I didn't even realize that I didn't have friends until the start of junior high. The concept had never really occurred to me! It would be like someone asking me "Do you want to go to the moon," that's how relevant having friends seemed. Someone once tried to put me in a book club in fifth grade, thinking I could make friends with similarly intellectual peers. I read the book in the first night. When the club met the next month, I had completely forgotten about it and the other kid hadn't read it. Didn't work so well.
When I entered seventh grade, then, I was just starting to awaken to the realization of what friends were. It was like I was becoming awake and aware to the world for the first time. For the first time, I noticed other kids doing things together. I noticed how kids were always in pairs, talking. I noticed laughing and groups of kids. And I began to think "Wait, why aren't I like that? I want to be in a pair like that, and have someone to do stuff with. How do I get that?" I began to realize what a friend was, and realize I wanted one. But I had NO idea, not the slightest idea, how to go about getting one. Thus ensued three years of depression and eventually suicidal idealation as I for the first time in my life realized how different I was, and had no explanation for it.
Eighth grade was my hell on earth year; it was a year full of intense bullying, both physical and verbal; I won't go into specifics. It was constant and never ending, and mostly done by the same two guys. I was extremely scarred by it and what little of my self esteem I had went out the window. But, still, I never labeled it as wrong; I never told anyone; it never occured to me that it was wrong. I hadn't ever known anything else. I didn't like it, sure, but I didn't know that it was wrong. I didn't know that I deserved more, that it could maybe be stopped. How sad is that? I'd go home and lie on the floor and cry for hours on end. I'd think about suicide, but never seriously, just kind of in the way that someone imagines a vacation they'd like to take but know they never will.
It was a hellish year, but it did end eventually. When ninth grade came around, I was withdrawn, isolated and depressed - and more scared than ever. The bullying had almost completely stopped, but in my mind it hadn't. I was scared of everything. I had a Walkman at that point and listened to the oldies station at every waking moment to drown out other people and my anxiety and fear. It worked, quite well. People actually thought I was happy - when I was listening to my music, I was. When I was around other kids without it, I felt naked and vulnerable and afraid. I spent all my time at home surfing depression and suicide websites. They made me feel not alone. They made me feel understood. They were eventually a really bad habit I had to break.
My anxiety manisfested sophomore year in what would later be labeled as OCD; an obsessive need to control everything, plan everything, and get everything 100% right. Small wonder, considering what had happened to me. I had to have some way of putting order into my world.
The end of sophomore year also, however, gave me my first real friend. The biggest blessing of my life. I'll call her Beth. Beth had a difficult life, too. She was being abused by her parents and had been for most of her life. Something about this must have given her compassion for and a radar for others who were also suffering. I don't remember how the friendship started - I think she had class right after me in the same classroom, and would talk to me when saw me. Just "Hi" or "How are you" or small talk, but it was more than I had ever had. I really appreciated it. After a while, I grew more comfortable with her;
we spent time talking in the hallways after school when they were empty, got to know each other a little. It was just so nice to have someone who cared, someone who recognized me as a person. It made me feel a little more safe.
The first time she came over to my house was excruciating. I liked her and I wanted to be her friend, but I had NO IDEA what to do with her! I couldn't fathom what friends did together. Talking was so much work. We had nothing real in common. I didn't have the interests that most people my age had. I wasn't into popular culture. I remember sitting in my room thinking "It's only been five minutes, but it feels so LONG."
The one thing we had in common though was a love of music. And even though I liked oldies and she liked country, it was okay. We'd listen to each other's music. We could talk about that. Eventually, she got me from being a steadfast oldies fan to a diehard country fan, but that's another story. She would coax me to listen to these songs, promising I'd like them, and I remember being amazed when I actually did. Maybe even more than her, sometimes.
We had a bond originally based on our shared pain. She'd sleep over and we'd stay up late into the night talking about our stories and our pasts. Somehow, we started to heal each other by doing this. Just having the company was something else..... we still to this day have very little in common in terms of interests, but we're both compassionate, caring, intelligent people who somehow get along great even despite the lack of shared interests - I have never really in my life understood why, but I am thankful for it. I have never been able to make friends with someone so "normal" seeming (someone social and interested in the things most people of that age are interested in) since. I am thankful beyond belief that she showed me what it meant to have a friend, she let me feel what it meant to have a friend, she let me experience this thing that in many ways was my saving grace and my social awakening.
The summer before junior year, I went to a sleepaway summer camp for three weeks at Amherst College. The students were al chosen by application process so had a maturity level and intelligence higher than any I'd ever encountered. I begged my mom screaming and crying not to make me go to this camp. I couldn't imagine living with other kids, being alone with other kids, for three weeks. But something amazing happened when I got there. People said hi to me. People talked to me. People actually seemed interested in me. They said I was funny; smart; nice; they wanted to be around me. They LISTENED to me. No one made fun of me. No one even seemed to be in the least mocking me. It was a revelation. Those three weeks were probably the happiest of my life, because I had never felt so included in my life.....before or probably since. I walked to town with other kids; I had conversations with them; sat with them at meals. I didn't even care what we talked about, so happy was I to just be talking to someone.
When I got back to school the next year, I was a changed person. I said hello to every single person I saw in the halls. I talked to kids and teachers alike. I didn't care what I talked about, again, as long as I was talking to people. I made some casual friends who seemed a bit quirky and a bit different from my math class; we hung around in the cafetaria after school and during study hall and talked and even laughed together. I didn't go to people's houses much, but at least I did have some social inclusion in the hallways after school. I got into the habit of going to talk to teachers after school, hang out in the guidance office and talk to the secretary, whoever I could find to engage in conversation. I went home as late as possible. I craved conversation and socialness; it filled me up and killed the lonely black hole in me. I couldn't get enough of it. Someone who is now a good friend of mine said the first time we ever seriously talked, "You sound like you haven't talked to anyone in ten years." She had no idea how right she was. Scary, in fact, how accurate that comment was. I'd say pretty much dead on.
So, in the end, I was able to make a few friends in high school and a few in college. College led to me accepting myself to a much higher degree and becoming much more comfortable with myself; the tolerant and open minded student body, and the fact that no one made fun of me hardly at all in four years, finally erased some of the pain and the fear and made me more far more functional around other people my age. I could finally walk by a group of people and not be scared of them. It was, again, quite a relevation, and quite a welcome one.
But I always struggled with the superficialness of my friendships. They were never as deep as I wanted them to be. I felt like I could never get close to anyone. It frustrated me to no end. It still does, but I'm not surrounded by people my age on a daily basis anymore so I don't have to get as depressed and frustrated and isolated by it as I did when I was in college. Over time I have to some degree accepted the level of socialness I am able to operate at, even if becoming wistful about wanting more at times. And of course the Asperger's diagnosis was a major turning point for me and in learning to accept myself, and find other Aspies who accepted me, and who I saw myself in, and could feel comfortable around. Being able to relate to people for the first time in my life, being able to feel comfortable around people for the first time in my life.
And then MCS, chemical sensitivities, came and that was pretty much the end of thinking about my social problems for two years, because I was so busy being focused on survival, and finding a safe place to live and moving all over the country to do so. Every other problem seemed petty in comparison.
But now, being at a place where I am more stable chemically speaking at least and in a living situation than I have been in years, the social worries are flooding back. And I am realizing and being told that a lot of the way I operate socially is rather maladaptive and can occasionally turn people off. And I am realizing that some of these experiences are causing me to still, twenty years later, be extremely defensive with people, automatically assume the worst, affect my ability to see the true intent in others and to realize when someone wants to help me or at least doesn't hate me. My default reaction to other people is still to believe they hate me unless proven wrong, and that is not really a healthy assumption to act on. I realize that the closeness of my relationships is affected by the fear I still have of people. That's not something I want. I want to figure out how to have healthy, close relationships with people, but damned if I know how. I do the best I can but apparently there are still gaps, large ones, that need to be worked on, and it leaves me scared. Scared because I don't want to lose people after all these years and all the work I've done to be able to be as socially functioning as I am. Scared because I have such a desire for social interaction and I'd really like it if it went well. Scared because I have so many other problems, between MCS and health problems and living situations, that it's just too much to even comprehend dealing with sometimes. Not that I don't want to or won't try to (work on it), but it is a bit scary.
I try to assimilate all the memories I have shared, to make sense of them. What kind of person does all that make me? What does it say about me? What is the root of my problems? Is there some way I can frame these that other people can relate to, that I can maybe find solace out of sharing them in a way that other people can understand? I'm still not sure, but at least it doesn't hurt to write about them quite as much as it used to. I suppose that is one consolation. Although a relativelt small one. These experiences made me stronger internally, but I have to figure out a way to interact with the outside world better.
I find myself in this situation, of trying to figure out MCS, health, how to make my life meaningful, how to solve every day problems, how to manage my anxiety, and then adding my social issues on top of everything is just a bit overwhelming.
I think it would be great if I could find a therapist who could help me work through all this stuff but I don't know if it's possible, and I am slightly afraid of re-experiencing all the emotional pain of social issues that I did in the past while at the same time trying to deal with MCS and everyday survivial issues.
But, if it can be done, I will, because I am tired, so tired, of carrying around all this pain, hurt, anger and resentment. It's a heavy load. It sure would make life easier to be without it. But I know I have to be patient with whatever happens. I have to learn to accept whatever happens. That's the best survival skill a person could ever hope to have. Accept what it is while working in whatever way possible to improve it - but accept it as fully as possible, because wanting is the root of the most profound misery that is, and acceptance at least brings enough calm to function on.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Life Ain't Always Beautiful (The Moving Game)
Essay I wrote tonight.
The Moving Game
"The struggles make me stronger, and the changes make me wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time..... No, life ain't always beautiful, tears will fall sometimes, but it's a beautiful ride..."
.....Gary Allan, Life Ain't Always Beautiful
I remember listening to this song when it came out, and being so soothed by its message, and so able to relate to the angst in the singer's voice. It gave me such hope. There is a reason to my struggles, I thought. They make me stronger. Happiness will come.
Years later, I'm still waiting - but I'm still trying to take the message of the song to heart. It is such a poignant song.
Nowhere has this been more evident in my life than in the struggles of the past two years. I started experiencing symptoms of multiple chemical sensitivity in the winter of 2006. I had to eventually leave college because of them. My MCS became acute and quite serious in the fall of 2007, after having been exposed to several toxic apartments in a row and immediately after one particularly bad one. My life was never the same again.
I lost the ability to have a normal life. The reasons, symptoms and experiences most who are reading this (if on the Planet Thrive blog), will be familiar with so I won't elaborate too much; doing so to me feels like diving into a pity party. I'm more interested in considering the ways I have been able to cope rather than the ways it destroyed my life - when I can.
In short, I became no longer able to tolerate simple things such as walking into a store to buy groceries, or the simply joy of walking into a store to browse. I started having enormous, scary reactions no matter where I went - Starbucks, Borders, boutique shops downtown, the grocery store. So I stopped going into them. The reactions were too intense, too debilitating, and too frightening to consider otherwise.
I stopped being able to use public transit or take taxis, which, since I don't drive, were primary means of getting around for me - when I lived in cities that had them.
I stopped being able to be around any kind of fragrance, wood smoke, personal care products, laundry products, any of the staples of everyday life. Living with my family became a lot more difficult as I couldn't tolerate their products and they didn't particularly want to change them.
So, at age 23 or so, with very little resources, very little money, far more dependence on others than I would have liked, and oh yeah, Asperger's Syndrome, I started the moving game.
Asperger's makes it difficult for me to filter and tolerate sensory information. It makes it hard for me to effectively communicate with others and causes lots of misunderstandings. It gives me very high anxiety levels that can be hard to tolerate - both for other people and myself! Because of AS, I tend to like to have a routine and to be able to plan everything out ahead of time. I like predictability. Anyone with MCS knows that these things are just not possible a large degree of the time when you live with an illness that can make you so sick without warning.
Despite these dubious cards, I knew I had to do something to get myself into a better living situation, because I couldn't tolerate the chemicals around me, and those living with me couldn't tolerate these new issues that I suddenly had.
So a series of cities and experiences ensued. In the last two years, I have lived in Maine (my home state), Portsmouth, New Hampshire; Burlington, Vermont; Missoula, Montana; Liberty, New York; Siletz, Oregon; and now, where I currently am, Bend, Oregon. All for varying amounts of time in different kinds of situations. All trying to find a chemically safe place to live.
All in a desperate bid for survival and safety.
Despite having to move so much and be uprooted so much, I have come to realize that moving so much has taught me things that I never would have learned otherwise; has helped me to grow immeasurably; has pushed me to stretch my boundaries and improve myself in ways that I never would have otherwise considered. In some ways, the challenges that have been imposed on me because of my MCS have been good for me in pushing me to learn things I never would have otherwise been exposed to; and helping me get out, a little bit, of the rigid mindset that can sometimes come with AS.
But mostly, I learned about the world, and little tips on how to cope with it. My time in New Hampshire, with an MCS woman who I had met on an online MCS email group, exposed me to the wonders of a health food store and the very necessary items that can be found in one; it was there that I found the MCS safe olive oil shampoo that I still use (and have found nowhere else). It was there that I found the support and caring of a fellow MCS woman who patiently listened to me rant and ramble and try to figure out all the new problems that MCS had caused for me. This support was invaluable.
My month in Burlington, Vermont, short as it was, also taught me a few things. I found the man who I shall call Edward through a Craigslist ad I posted asking for fragrance and chemical free housing. In Burlington I noticed that I didn't seem to have chemical reactions in shops and buildings that had concrete floors, something that has given me hope of someday being able to find safe permanent living quarters for myself, and the promise of occasional accessibility of some shops.
Burlington taught me what I didn't want in a city - crowded college towns with people every square inch weren't for me. It taught me a little about what it was like to live with a roommate. Even if it didn't ultimately end well, the experience, again, was invaluable. You can't learn these lessons in a book, you have to go out and experience them.
In Missoula, staying with my mom for several months, I learned that hey, yes, there could be a climate that I could tolerate and actually thrive in. The lack of humidity in the Missoula summer made it so that, for the first time in my life, I could go out and enjoy summer weather. It was a big difference from the stiffling, soupy summers of the East coast and my childhood. I was also exposed to several new foods that I continue to enjoy at the large natural food store there.
Liberty, New York, a very small town in the southern part of the Catskills, was the most challenging experience. I found this MCS-safe apartment on a different MCS email list. I moved from Montana to New York sight unseen. And what a sight it was! While the apartment was more or less okay, the town was tiny and the polar opposite of every town I had ever lived in before. My landlords and I eventually had serious problems and I had to leave to protect my safety. But, oh, the coping skills I learned here! I wanted this situation to work so badly that I was able to put up with large number of irritants and factors that I never in a million years thought I would be able to tolerate before. This made me a much stronger person, a much calmer person, and a much more capable person. It also showed me how much I could get through and survive if I needed to - it showed me my inner strength.
After time back at my dad's house in Maine, I found an ad on an MCS email group for a living situation with an MCS woman in Bend, Oregon. Through that, I was given the opportunity to live with a different woman for six weeks beforehand in Siletz, Oregon, near the coastal town of Newport. In Newport, I learned what emotional safety felt like; I learned what it felt like to feel truly understood and appreciated for the first time in my life. I learned how feeling emotionally fulfilled and supported could really help you overcome physical or health challenges to achieve a feeling of safety. I also saw some of the most beautiful scenery and outdoor environments that I have ever seen, walking for hours among the many beaches and oceanfront property of Newport; all of this beautiful nature calmed my soul and enriched my spirit.
Three weeks ago, I made the trek across the Cascades to Bend, Oregon, my final destination. Bend is in many ways the polar opposite of Newport and has taken some getting used to. I find the air hard to breathe for reasons I have not yet figured out, and the intensity of the sun in this high desert climate is something else I am unused to and have difficulty tolerating. Despite these problems, though, there are always positives.
I have found a woman determined to find a way to help me with my many issues, and I have gratitude that a perfect stranger would want to go so far out of their way to try to help me - and I have hope that it will eventually succeed in making progress with these issues. I have learned how to cook here; I experimented in Newport, but with access to a Whole Foods and a kitchen, and the presence of mind to be able to think clearly (some of the time!), I have learned to cook fish, potatoes, rice, and other things that I never would have been able to before. Until I came here, I cooked a week's worth of chicken breasts and ate them every single day to the exclusion of almost anything else; not the healthiest of choices. Here, I have been able to move in healthier directions.
My point is that moving to new situations seems to loosen something in my brain and make me more adaptable and willing to make changes. I tend to get lost in thought patterns of how I can't do something or can't change something that I need to change for my health. I tend to be prone to feelings of hopelessness and depression, feeling vulnerable in the face of such illness and so little idea of how to combat it. I often have a hard time thinking of ways to broaden my horizons and experience new things. But moving so many times and soaking up the wisdom of what so many different people and experiences have taught me, broadens my concept of what is possible and what is not considerably. It exposes me to things I never would have been exposed to before, and shows me different ways I can do things. I may be slow to catch on but I get the hang of things eventually. While I still have immeasurable problems and issues to deal with, both from my Asperger's and my MCS, I know one thing for sure: No one wants to have to move so much. No one wants to have that sense of stability be so elusive, to have to worry about where they are going to live next. But if I hadn't moved so much, my worldview would be tiny, cramped, restricted; I would know so few things abou the world - and about myself. I would know only the misery that comes of not having had the opportunity to explore and experience one's world and one's self. Having chemical sensitivities limits what we are able to do in the world so much. The last thing we need is a mindset that is limited, too. I hadn't experienced much of the world prior to becoming disabled at 22, but thanks in part to my struggles with chemical sensitivities, I have now. And I am a better person because of it.
No matter what happens to me in the future, I can cling to these experiences and memories of self-sufficiency and exploration, and know that I tried my very best to live my life in the best possible way I could.
The Moving Game
"The struggles make me stronger, and the changes make me wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time..... No, life ain't always beautiful, tears will fall sometimes, but it's a beautiful ride..."
.....Gary Allan, Life Ain't Always Beautiful
I remember listening to this song when it came out, and being so soothed by its message, and so able to relate to the angst in the singer's voice. It gave me such hope. There is a reason to my struggles, I thought. They make me stronger. Happiness will come.
Years later, I'm still waiting - but I'm still trying to take the message of the song to heart. It is such a poignant song.
Nowhere has this been more evident in my life than in the struggles of the past two years. I started experiencing symptoms of multiple chemical sensitivity in the winter of 2006. I had to eventually leave college because of them. My MCS became acute and quite serious in the fall of 2007, after having been exposed to several toxic apartments in a row and immediately after one particularly bad one. My life was never the same again.
I lost the ability to have a normal life. The reasons, symptoms and experiences most who are reading this (if on the Planet Thrive blog), will be familiar with so I won't elaborate too much; doing so to me feels like diving into a pity party. I'm more interested in considering the ways I have been able to cope rather than the ways it destroyed my life - when I can.
In short, I became no longer able to tolerate simple things such as walking into a store to buy groceries, or the simply joy of walking into a store to browse. I started having enormous, scary reactions no matter where I went - Starbucks, Borders, boutique shops downtown, the grocery store. So I stopped going into them. The reactions were too intense, too debilitating, and too frightening to consider otherwise.
I stopped being able to use public transit or take taxis, which, since I don't drive, were primary means of getting around for me - when I lived in cities that had them.
I stopped being able to be around any kind of fragrance, wood smoke, personal care products, laundry products, any of the staples of everyday life. Living with my family became a lot more difficult as I couldn't tolerate their products and they didn't particularly want to change them.
So, at age 23 or so, with very little resources, very little money, far more dependence on others than I would have liked, and oh yeah, Asperger's Syndrome, I started the moving game.
Asperger's makes it difficult for me to filter and tolerate sensory information. It makes it hard for me to effectively communicate with others and causes lots of misunderstandings. It gives me very high anxiety levels that can be hard to tolerate - both for other people and myself! Because of AS, I tend to like to have a routine and to be able to plan everything out ahead of time. I like predictability. Anyone with MCS knows that these things are just not possible a large degree of the time when you live with an illness that can make you so sick without warning.
Despite these dubious cards, I knew I had to do something to get myself into a better living situation, because I couldn't tolerate the chemicals around me, and those living with me couldn't tolerate these new issues that I suddenly had.
So a series of cities and experiences ensued. In the last two years, I have lived in Maine (my home state), Portsmouth, New Hampshire; Burlington, Vermont; Missoula, Montana; Liberty, New York; Siletz, Oregon; and now, where I currently am, Bend, Oregon. All for varying amounts of time in different kinds of situations. All trying to find a chemically safe place to live.
All in a desperate bid for survival and safety.
Despite having to move so much and be uprooted so much, I have come to realize that moving so much has taught me things that I never would have learned otherwise; has helped me to grow immeasurably; has pushed me to stretch my boundaries and improve myself in ways that I never would have otherwise considered. In some ways, the challenges that have been imposed on me because of my MCS have been good for me in pushing me to learn things I never would have otherwise been exposed to; and helping me get out, a little bit, of the rigid mindset that can sometimes come with AS.
But mostly, I learned about the world, and little tips on how to cope with it. My time in New Hampshire, with an MCS woman who I had met on an online MCS email group, exposed me to the wonders of a health food store and the very necessary items that can be found in one; it was there that I found the MCS safe olive oil shampoo that I still use (and have found nowhere else). It was there that I found the support and caring of a fellow MCS woman who patiently listened to me rant and ramble and try to figure out all the new problems that MCS had caused for me. This support was invaluable.
My month in Burlington, Vermont, short as it was, also taught me a few things. I found the man who I shall call Edward through a Craigslist ad I posted asking for fragrance and chemical free housing. In Burlington I noticed that I didn't seem to have chemical reactions in shops and buildings that had concrete floors, something that has given me hope of someday being able to find safe permanent living quarters for myself, and the promise of occasional accessibility of some shops.
Burlington taught me what I didn't want in a city - crowded college towns with people every square inch weren't for me. It taught me a little about what it was like to live with a roommate. Even if it didn't ultimately end well, the experience, again, was invaluable. You can't learn these lessons in a book, you have to go out and experience them.
In Missoula, staying with my mom for several months, I learned that hey, yes, there could be a climate that I could tolerate and actually thrive in. The lack of humidity in the Missoula summer made it so that, for the first time in my life, I could go out and enjoy summer weather. It was a big difference from the stiffling, soupy summers of the East coast and my childhood. I was also exposed to several new foods that I continue to enjoy at the large natural food store there.
Liberty, New York, a very small town in the southern part of the Catskills, was the most challenging experience. I found this MCS-safe apartment on a different MCS email list. I moved from Montana to New York sight unseen. And what a sight it was! While the apartment was more or less okay, the town was tiny and the polar opposite of every town I had ever lived in before. My landlords and I eventually had serious problems and I had to leave to protect my safety. But, oh, the coping skills I learned here! I wanted this situation to work so badly that I was able to put up with large number of irritants and factors that I never in a million years thought I would be able to tolerate before. This made me a much stronger person, a much calmer person, and a much more capable person. It also showed me how much I could get through and survive if I needed to - it showed me my inner strength.
After time back at my dad's house in Maine, I found an ad on an MCS email group for a living situation with an MCS woman in Bend, Oregon. Through that, I was given the opportunity to live with a different woman for six weeks beforehand in Siletz, Oregon, near the coastal town of Newport. In Newport, I learned what emotional safety felt like; I learned what it felt like to feel truly understood and appreciated for the first time in my life. I learned how feeling emotionally fulfilled and supported could really help you overcome physical or health challenges to achieve a feeling of safety. I also saw some of the most beautiful scenery and outdoor environments that I have ever seen, walking for hours among the many beaches and oceanfront property of Newport; all of this beautiful nature calmed my soul and enriched my spirit.
Three weeks ago, I made the trek across the Cascades to Bend, Oregon, my final destination. Bend is in many ways the polar opposite of Newport and has taken some getting used to. I find the air hard to breathe for reasons I have not yet figured out, and the intensity of the sun in this high desert climate is something else I am unused to and have difficulty tolerating. Despite these problems, though, there are always positives.
I have found a woman determined to find a way to help me with my many issues, and I have gratitude that a perfect stranger would want to go so far out of their way to try to help me - and I have hope that it will eventually succeed in making progress with these issues. I have learned how to cook here; I experimented in Newport, but with access to a Whole Foods and a kitchen, and the presence of mind to be able to think clearly (some of the time!), I have learned to cook fish, potatoes, rice, and other things that I never would have been able to before. Until I came here, I cooked a week's worth of chicken breasts and ate them every single day to the exclusion of almost anything else; not the healthiest of choices. Here, I have been able to move in healthier directions.
My point is that moving to new situations seems to loosen something in my brain and make me more adaptable and willing to make changes. I tend to get lost in thought patterns of how I can't do something or can't change something that I need to change for my health. I tend to be prone to feelings of hopelessness and depression, feeling vulnerable in the face of such illness and so little idea of how to combat it. I often have a hard time thinking of ways to broaden my horizons and experience new things. But moving so many times and soaking up the wisdom of what so many different people and experiences have taught me, broadens my concept of what is possible and what is not considerably. It exposes me to things I never would have been exposed to before, and shows me different ways I can do things. I may be slow to catch on but I get the hang of things eventually. While I still have immeasurable problems and issues to deal with, both from my Asperger's and my MCS, I know one thing for sure: No one wants to have to move so much. No one wants to have that sense of stability be so elusive, to have to worry about where they are going to live next. But if I hadn't moved so much, my worldview would be tiny, cramped, restricted; I would know so few things abou the world - and about myself. I would know only the misery that comes of not having had the opportunity to explore and experience one's world and one's self. Having chemical sensitivities limits what we are able to do in the world so much. The last thing we need is a mindset that is limited, too. I hadn't experienced much of the world prior to becoming disabled at 22, but thanks in part to my struggles with chemical sensitivities, I have now. And I am a better person because of it.
No matter what happens to me in the future, I can cling to these experiences and memories of self-sufficiency and exploration, and know that I tried my very best to live my life in the best possible way I could.
Friday, July 3, 2009
I'll Huff and I'll Puff and I'll Blow Your House Down....
Well, isn't that what the three little pigs said about straw bale houses? Or am I mixing up my fairy tales? :)
I was about to meet a friend I had known online for about two years, in person. I was about to realize in person an idea and goal I had pursued in my mind and imagination for roughly two years. I was nervous. I realized I had little experience going to other people's houses.
As soon as I saw the cute little house, though - set out from the other houses in the congested neighborhood by its style, grace, down to earthness - I was calmed. The house looks beautiful, I thought. It's a straw bale house built to be completely non toxic for MCS people. I had been in contact with L about the possibility of renting it on and off for 2 yrs. Then it turned out I moved to Bend anyway, lol.
Inside it was a bit smaller than I had anticipated, but I soon adjusted. There really is only a small room that is a couch by day and bed by night, and a small kitchen, and bathroom. But it was homey, cheerful, and cozy just the same. The floors were concrete, everything was nontoxic, it was a good environment to be in.
We all sat around a small wooden table and ate salad, shrimp and pasta. I really liked both L and T quite a bit. I was particularly drawn to T. He reminded me of Luke from college. Gentle, funny, goofy, compassionate, caring,intelligent, light and easygoing - someone you can just relax around, someone who makes you smile inside the minute you meet him.
And L - she reminds me of my friend and reader of this blog Rachel (Hi Rachel!) from online. I've never met Rachel in person but I am awed by her spirit and by the person she so bravely allows us to get to know through her thought provoking blog.
L embodied grace, compassion, joy. The wisdom and spirit that comes from having lived through it all and learned from it, but retained your sense of joy and wonder at the world. She has a quiet wonder and joy about her that I love.
But what most impressed me about her is her willingness and ability to respect her sensory limits. She is able to step outside if the noise is getting to her too much, she is able to ask people to talk lower, she is able to do it with a smile on her face and a twinkle to her words. She accepts herself and her limits and it's a wonder and an inspiration as a person with so many sensory challenges myself to see a model of how you can graciously ask for accomodations for your sensory needs without seeming a party pooper.
It reminds me of Rachel because that is what she has been working so hard on - accepting herself and her limits and advocating for them and realizing that as she ages she needs to take better care of herself - and doing it wirth such grace.
L seemed like what I'd imagine Rachel would be like embodied in person- and that's a good thing! :)
Anyway we sat and talked for 2 hrs. I was given lots of space to jump in so I didnt feel shut out of the convo, I got to tell lots of stories. we talked about 60s music and various cities. about earlham and feminist seders and how depressing the midwest was. briefly about baltimore and missoula. She has an aunt in Hamilton she might visit at some point. Where was I. Oh, she went to Oberlin, I have to remember to ask more about that later. A nyway what else. I cant remmeber. I was afraid I was talking too much but I really just enjoy telling stories so much and they were such a receptive audience. It made me feel emotionally filled up to look at T and L's faces and bask in their receptiveness and their warmth, their openness and connecteness. It killed the loneliness for a couple hrs, which was great, but then it filled with a short lived kind of desperate loneliness just as we were about to go - the feeling I used to get when leaving Portland after having spent a fun filled day there - the feeling of having experienced soemthing so great that you can't possibly imagine having to leave it and live without it. But knowing you have to carry it with you and look forward to it when you are able to have it again.
We played 'Adrenaline Scrabble', which I didnt really have enough processing or brain ability to be able to learn.... well.... Tony was really good at teaching me but my brain just didnt want to go there. So I sat and got lost in thought about the night and rested while they played, and I didn't mind at all. I love hearing them laugh. I love their playfulness. I love their absolutely, 100% evident care for, respect for, and love
for each other. That was so touching. What a gift, what an absolute gift that kind of relationship would be.
Got to talk to her a few min alone but was too thirtsty to talk much lol Forgot ot bring mty water in I hope I get to see her again and hang out with her more.
Pretty out of it otnight. Bedtime soon.
Kate
I was about to meet a friend I had known online for about two years, in person. I was about to realize in person an idea and goal I had pursued in my mind and imagination for roughly two years. I was nervous. I realized I had little experience going to other people's houses.
As soon as I saw the cute little house, though - set out from the other houses in the congested neighborhood by its style, grace, down to earthness - I was calmed. The house looks beautiful, I thought. It's a straw bale house built to be completely non toxic for MCS people. I had been in contact with L about the possibility of renting it on and off for 2 yrs. Then it turned out I moved to Bend anyway, lol.
Inside it was a bit smaller than I had anticipated, but I soon adjusted. There really is only a small room that is a couch by day and bed by night, and a small kitchen, and bathroom. But it was homey, cheerful, and cozy just the same. The floors were concrete, everything was nontoxic, it was a good environment to be in.
We all sat around a small wooden table and ate salad, shrimp and pasta. I really liked both L and T quite a bit. I was particularly drawn to T. He reminded me of Luke from college. Gentle, funny, goofy, compassionate, caring,intelligent, light and easygoing - someone you can just relax around, someone who makes you smile inside the minute you meet him.
And L - she reminds me of my friend and reader of this blog Rachel (Hi Rachel!) from online. I've never met Rachel in person but I am awed by her spirit and by the person she so bravely allows us to get to know through her thought provoking blog.
L embodied grace, compassion, joy. The wisdom and spirit that comes from having lived through it all and learned from it, but retained your sense of joy and wonder at the world. She has a quiet wonder and joy about her that I love.
But what most impressed me about her is her willingness and ability to respect her sensory limits. She is able to step outside if the noise is getting to her too much, she is able to ask people to talk lower, she is able to do it with a smile on her face and a twinkle to her words. She accepts herself and her limits and it's a wonder and an inspiration as a person with so many sensory challenges myself to see a model of how you can graciously ask for accomodations for your sensory needs without seeming a party pooper.
It reminds me of Rachel because that is what she has been working so hard on - accepting herself and her limits and advocating for them and realizing that as she ages she needs to take better care of herself - and doing it wirth such grace.
L seemed like what I'd imagine Rachel would be like embodied in person- and that's a good thing! :)
Anyway we sat and talked for 2 hrs. I was given lots of space to jump in so I didnt feel shut out of the convo, I got to tell lots of stories. we talked about 60s music and various cities. about earlham and feminist seders and how depressing the midwest was. briefly about baltimore and missoula. She has an aunt in Hamilton she might visit at some point. Where was I. Oh, she went to Oberlin, I have to remember to ask more about that later. A nyway what else. I cant remmeber. I was afraid I was talking too much but I really just enjoy telling stories so much and they were such a receptive audience. It made me feel emotionally filled up to look at T and L's faces and bask in their receptiveness and their warmth, their openness and connecteness. It killed the loneliness for a couple hrs, which was great, but then it filled with a short lived kind of desperate loneliness just as we were about to go - the feeling I used to get when leaving Portland after having spent a fun filled day there - the feeling of having experienced soemthing so great that you can't possibly imagine having to leave it and live without it. But knowing you have to carry it with you and look forward to it when you are able to have it again.
We played 'Adrenaline Scrabble', which I didnt really have enough processing or brain ability to be able to learn.... well.... Tony was really good at teaching me but my brain just didnt want to go there. So I sat and got lost in thought about the night and rested while they played, and I didn't mind at all. I love hearing them laugh. I love their playfulness. I love their absolutely, 100% evident care for, respect for, and love
for each other. That was so touching. What a gift, what an absolute gift that kind of relationship would be.
Got to talk to her a few min alone but was too thirtsty to talk much lol Forgot ot bring mty water in I hope I get to see her again and hang out with her more.
Pretty out of it otnight. Bedtime soon.
Kate
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Bend-t out of shape
Tried to go to farmer's mkt. Got there too late. Cookie stand not there this time Bakery hd no baked goods Potatoes were conspicious absent Band had already stopped playing
Ventured into downtown . Yick. Despicable place I havr to say.
Maybe more pleasant if I got there early enough so stores were still open but. So many people, and so many fragranced people walking around, it will make you dizzy.
Too exhausted to enjoy Drake Park when I got there, too many people anyway.
Every time I do something and it fails, which is about every single experience I've had in this town, well, tonight I told myself "By the time I actually DO find something I enjoy, ya know, its gonna be ten times as good for waiting..."
I did climb the volcano. It didn't go well . lol.
Or at least that's the optimistic way of looking at things. It's like some evil fairy godmother standing over me and turning everything I attempt into a near disaster.
But at least I can try to laugh. Try. Haven't succeeded yet.
Basically I can't breathe the air very well, and I can't be out in the sun, and walking is not the release I need it to be due to the difficulty of it in this air, and those are by far the biggest problems. Smaller problems include the large number of highly fragranced people walking around downtown, some recent disagreements with my roommate that got a bit dicey, and not having a great place to use the computer since it got hot enough that we need to open doors and do fans at night which I can't tolerate so have no place I feel comfortable going to use the computer at that time/. These are problems I am trying to find ways around so they are less overwhelming and I can be more calm and stable. It ain't working.
I wish I could be funny like Mama Mara and make up a story about the Evil Fairy Godmother that has cursed everything I've done for the last 2 and a half weeks, but I don't have the energy.
At this point it is unfortunately about survival. Whatever. Tomorrow we are going to meet Leslie, a friend I have known for 2 years online, in her straw bale house. We may play some games and have some dinner. If I can be in a calm state of mind it should be fun. I hope to God. Because I need something to be fun. But if I put too much pressure on msyelf, it won't be.
Might have found a therapist to see outside and a slight chance of a dr in Portland (OR) to see.
There are a lot of outside seating areas here. Because of the good weather I suppose. Every single one was filled tonight. Never seen so many people out and about. People were walking down the street wearing dresses (!!) and necklaces and oh so coiffed up. You just don't see that in Maine, or most of New England, or Montana, or anywhere else I've been. It's their choice but it grates on me; so far from what I'm used to, where I came from, who I identify with. Just not me. I could never go to NYC or some big city. If there's one thing I can't stand it's pretentiousness.
I'm sure it's a nice city for some but I've seldom had one disagree with me this much. Nothing personal to any particular person. Just the way it is.
In a bit of flux and trying to decide next steps. Probably stay for now but maybe go back to Newport if that seems feasible aftet talking to K but that is not a good long term situation either so I hope to hell maybe she can help me find an MCS safe apt in Newport or on the coast somewhere. Or someome suggested Ashland...That sounds like a cool town if I had a place to live there....and knew someone there. I want good air and a place that doesn't rain 300 days of the year. I want a small downtown, some nice places to walk, a natural food store if possible. And of course an MCS safe apt. Not too much to ask except for the last one I don't think.
Kate
Ventured into downtown . Yick. Despicable place I havr to say.
Maybe more pleasant if I got there early enough so stores were still open but. So many people, and so many fragranced people walking around, it will make you dizzy.
Too exhausted to enjoy Drake Park when I got there, too many people anyway.
Every time I do something and it fails, which is about every single experience I've had in this town, well, tonight I told myself "By the time I actually DO find something I enjoy, ya know, its gonna be ten times as good for waiting..."
I did climb the volcano. It didn't go well . lol.
Or at least that's the optimistic way of looking at things. It's like some evil fairy godmother standing over me and turning everything I attempt into a near disaster.
But at least I can try to laugh. Try. Haven't succeeded yet.
Basically I can't breathe the air very well, and I can't be out in the sun, and walking is not the release I need it to be due to the difficulty of it in this air, and those are by far the biggest problems. Smaller problems include the large number of highly fragranced people walking around downtown, some recent disagreements with my roommate that got a bit dicey, and not having a great place to use the computer since it got hot enough that we need to open doors and do fans at night which I can't tolerate so have no place I feel comfortable going to use the computer at that time/. These are problems I am trying to find ways around so they are less overwhelming and I can be more calm and stable. It ain't working.
I wish I could be funny like Mama Mara and make up a story about the Evil Fairy Godmother that has cursed everything I've done for the last 2 and a half weeks, but I don't have the energy.
At this point it is unfortunately about survival. Whatever. Tomorrow we are going to meet Leslie, a friend I have known for 2 years online, in her straw bale house. We may play some games and have some dinner. If I can be in a calm state of mind it should be fun. I hope to God. Because I need something to be fun. But if I put too much pressure on msyelf, it won't be.
Might have found a therapist to see outside and a slight chance of a dr in Portland (OR) to see.
There are a lot of outside seating areas here. Because of the good weather I suppose. Every single one was filled tonight. Never seen so many people out and about. People were walking down the street wearing dresses (!!) and necklaces and oh so coiffed up. You just don't see that in Maine, or most of New England, or Montana, or anywhere else I've been. It's their choice but it grates on me; so far from what I'm used to, where I came from, who I identify with. Just not me. I could never go to NYC or some big city. If there's one thing I can't stand it's pretentiousness.
I'm sure it's a nice city for some but I've seldom had one disagree with me this much. Nothing personal to any particular person. Just the way it is.
In a bit of flux and trying to decide next steps. Probably stay for now but maybe go back to Newport if that seems feasible aftet talking to K but that is not a good long term situation either so I hope to hell maybe she can help me find an MCS safe apt in Newport or on the coast somewhere. Or someome suggested Ashland...That sounds like a cool town if I had a place to live there....and knew someone there. I want good air and a place that doesn't rain 300 days of the year. I want a small downtown, some nice places to walk, a natural food store if possible. And of course an MCS safe apt. Not too much to ask except for the last one I don't think.
Kate
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Definitely better than Starbucks: Bend Farmers Market
Not feeling so great but wanted to write about today
Font is mesed up!
Anyway miserable when I wopke up.... weather killing me...... so we planned to find some cookies as a pick me up..... I used to Yelp to research every bakery within Bend city limits while M looked up the map to see where they were... we concluded on what we thought were the best... Something called Le Cakery we should go to at some point .... and something that started with S looked the best.....but all closed by 5 or 6. Went to pharmacy and took a long time so even the one that closed at 6 was closed. It was hot as hell. I resigned myself to a crappy Starbucks cookie and maybe Cold stone ice cream. M went down the street where the good closed bakeries were located, and on the way we saw the farmer's market. D'oh! I wasn't going to go because of sun heat humidity etc but when we werer there I couldn't resist. Decided I'd brave the sun to check it out. I simply can't resist any kind of outdoor market. I love, love them.
I grabbed a paper bag to shield my eyes from the sun as it was the only thing I could find. I was being creative, and it actually worked realtivelty well.,
Well, I was amazed. I had read bad reviews of the market and was expecting very little. But it was far and beyond the best farmer's market I have ever been to.
Everything you could want....meat, fish, a large selection of fruit and veggies, pastries, mushrooms, coffee, various other things..... folk music being performed....I had been wanting fingerling potatoes and poof therre they were! Got a lot of potatoes and way too many really good cookies which I had also been craving. Elk, buffalo, pig's ears, tuna, lemonade, all kinds of things. Farmers mkts in Maine = 20 tables all selling the exact same uninteresting things. Not the case at all here.
Got some fingerling potatoes and purple ones, i had been craving them just last night and was amazed to find the one thing I had hoped to find .
And, my cookie cravings were more than satisfied as I found towards the end a stand with TEN DIFFERENT FLAVORS of really big, really good cookies. Oh my God. heaven. 5 for 5 dollars.... a dollar each....and thgey were huge anf good qualkity. I got lemon white chocolate - THAT was to die for - chocolate chip, peanut butter choco chip, and peanut butter.
Nothing like a sugar high to make you feel good - don't worry I didnt eat them all at once.
They were doing live music which wold normally kill me for sensory reasons but it was actually at a reasonable level - take THAT, missoula (could never play things at normal decibel levels) and was folk music and actually sounded really good! I have seldom ever enjoyed live music before but I enjoyed that. I swear he sounded exactly like Gordon Lightfoot. At one point I was so sure he was about to play a Gordon Lightfoot song I ran across the market to see and hear.... I don't know what it was.....but it sure sounded good.
It was at that point that I met L. The woman who I've known online for 2 yrs from Bend.... who also has MCS..... who I'd been waiting to meet.... it was so funny....she came up to me and said "Are you Kate?" and I said yeah, took me a minute to figure out who she was.... Ha! And I explained why I had the paper bag to shield the sun and she said "Yeah, that's kind of why I thought it might be you" LOL. She seems very nice and I liked her. I went off to buy some potatoes and then made sure I didnt miss anything and then I saw the very last stand I didnt see was the best, it was Sparrow Bakery, which was one of the bakeries we had looked at that looked really good but was closed - what synergy! We set out to look for bakeries that were closed but found them anyway.
And OH MY GOD. They had some kind of chocolate bundt cake type thing. It looked liket the chocolate corks I used to get that I loved at Standard Baking Company in Portland. I hoped it would be similar. And cookies. I got both. I was trying to fill cravings I've had for 2 months lol.
Oh and also the very nice woman who manned the booth had parents who lived in Missoula so we had a very nice conversation about the difference between Bend and Missoula which I very much enjoyed.
Anyway the chocolate cake, it was a mix between a cake and a brownie kind of:
One of the most amazing chocolate things I have ever had. It was a chocolate expresso bundt type cake. With some salt crystals on top I think.
So you took a bite and immediately you had the tastes of really good quality salt, chocolate, and expresso combining in your mouth - AMAZING! The texture was very dry (but not too dry), a really good texture, kind of crumbled and melted in your mouth, the flavor started out low and then built in intensity, it was sweet without being overly sweet, the salt and the chocolate and the expresso and the texture .... sweet, crumbly, can;t even describe it....was the mosrt amazing thing. Beat the one on Fore St I think for sure. It was sublime and heaven. Never had anything like it.
So that made me happy and gave me energy to shop at Whole Foods, which I HATE, because it really smells very bad here. And I spent an insane amount of money there and I really need to cut that down. Damn being tempted by everything. need to reduce impulse buying.
But how can you resist rosemary roasted garlic salad dressing? :)
So the first time I've actually enjoyed myself , which is good, but my teeth are killing me now, which is NOT good, and yes I know Is shouldnt eat sweets but I dont more thsan once a week and I need them to be happy.... and usually cookes dont bother my teeth much, musta been the cake.
So hopefully rhat will get better.
Mountains tomorrow exhausted so goin to sleep
Night
Kate
Font is mesed up!
Anyway miserable when I wopke up.... weather killing me...... so we planned to find some cookies as a pick me up..... I used to Yelp to research every bakery within Bend city limits while M looked up the map to see where they were... we concluded on what we thought were the best... Something called Le Cakery we should go to at some point .... and something that started with S looked the best.....but all closed by 5 or 6. Went to pharmacy and took a long time so even the one that closed at 6 was closed. It was hot as hell. I resigned myself to a crappy Starbucks cookie and maybe Cold stone ice cream. M went down the street where the good closed bakeries were located, and on the way we saw the farmer's market. D'oh! I wasn't going to go because of sun heat humidity etc but when we werer there I couldn't resist. Decided I'd brave the sun to check it out. I simply can't resist any kind of outdoor market. I love, love them.
I grabbed a paper bag to shield my eyes from the sun as it was the only thing I could find. I was being creative, and it actually worked realtivelty well.,
Well, I was amazed. I had read bad reviews of the market and was expecting very little. But it was far and beyond the best farmer's market I have ever been to.
Everything you could want....meat, fish, a large selection of fruit and veggies, pastries, mushrooms, coffee, various other things..... folk music being performed....I had been wanting fingerling potatoes and poof therre they were! Got a lot of potatoes and way too many really good cookies which I had also been craving. Elk, buffalo, pig's ears, tuna, lemonade, all kinds of things. Farmers mkts in Maine = 20 tables all selling the exact same uninteresting things. Not the case at all here.
Got some fingerling potatoes and purple ones, i had been craving them just last night and was amazed to find the one thing I had hoped to find .
And, my cookie cravings were more than satisfied as I found towards the end a stand with TEN DIFFERENT FLAVORS of really big, really good cookies. Oh my God. heaven. 5 for 5 dollars.... a dollar each....and thgey were huge anf good qualkity. I got lemon white chocolate - THAT was to die for - chocolate chip, peanut butter choco chip, and peanut butter.
Nothing like a sugar high to make you feel good - don't worry I didnt eat them all at once.
They were doing live music which wold normally kill me for sensory reasons but it was actually at a reasonable level - take THAT, missoula (could never play things at normal decibel levels) and was folk music and actually sounded really good! I have seldom ever enjoyed live music before but I enjoyed that. I swear he sounded exactly like Gordon Lightfoot. At one point I was so sure he was about to play a Gordon Lightfoot song I ran across the market to see and hear.... I don't know what it was.....but it sure sounded good.
It was at that point that I met L. The woman who I've known online for 2 yrs from Bend.... who also has MCS..... who I'd been waiting to meet.... it was so funny....she came up to me and said "Are you Kate?" and I said yeah, took me a minute to figure out who she was.... Ha! And I explained why I had the paper bag to shield the sun and she said "Yeah, that's kind of why I thought it might be you" LOL. She seems very nice and I liked her. I went off to buy some potatoes and then made sure I didnt miss anything and then I saw the very last stand I didnt see was the best, it was Sparrow Bakery, which was one of the bakeries we had looked at that looked really good but was closed - what synergy! We set out to look for bakeries that were closed but found them anyway.
And OH MY GOD. They had some kind of chocolate bundt cake type thing. It looked liket the chocolate corks I used to get that I loved at Standard Baking Company in Portland. I hoped it would be similar. And cookies. I got both. I was trying to fill cravings I've had for 2 months lol.
Oh and also the very nice woman who manned the booth had parents who lived in Missoula so we had a very nice conversation about the difference between Bend and Missoula which I very much enjoyed.
Anyway the chocolate cake, it was a mix between a cake and a brownie kind of:
One of the most amazing chocolate things I have ever had. It was a chocolate expresso bundt type cake. With some salt crystals on top I think.
So you took a bite and immediately you had the tastes of really good quality salt, chocolate, and expresso combining in your mouth - AMAZING! The texture was very dry (but not too dry), a really good texture, kind of crumbled and melted in your mouth, the flavor started out low and then built in intensity, it was sweet without being overly sweet, the salt and the chocolate and the expresso and the texture .... sweet, crumbly, can;t even describe it....was the mosrt amazing thing. Beat the one on Fore St I think for sure. It was sublime and heaven. Never had anything like it.
So that made me happy and gave me energy to shop at Whole Foods, which I HATE, because it really smells very bad here. And I spent an insane amount of money there and I really need to cut that down. Damn being tempted by everything. need to reduce impulse buying.
But how can you resist rosemary roasted garlic salad dressing? :)
So the first time I've actually enjoyed myself , which is good, but my teeth are killing me now, which is NOT good, and yes I know Is shouldnt eat sweets but I dont more thsan once a week and I need them to be happy.... and usually cookes dont bother my teeth much, musta been the cake.
So hopefully rhat will get better.
Mountains tomorrow exhausted so goin to sleep
Night
Kate
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Hippies, Yuppies, and Preps: The Naming of a Town
So, I'm going to attempt to write an actual post even though I kind of don't feel like it but I kind of don't like this whole not documenting my life thing so. It is needed.
I don't like cooking sole. It is too thin and breaks into little pieces and I can never tell when it's done.
I don't like cooking at all actually but since I seem to have become completely intolerant of chicken (or at least cold chicken breasts cooked several days earlier, but most chicken in general) it means I actually have to a) cook and b) find things to cook, both which are very time consuming and energy consuming processes that should not be done at the same time one is trying to settle into a new and very bizarre place.
The salmon I did was okay. Potatoes were not. I did some chicken thigh pieces with Briggs sauce rhat were okay but again were chicken. I might try a take out place one night.
The sole was much better the first time.
Anyway. Enough about cooking.
Went to downtown Bend tonight. First of all the air is totally bothering me. I can't figure out if it's humidity, elevation, something else or neither but I feel like I can't breathe in it. That doesn't exactly make for relaxing walks and I need walks to relax, right, so, Well, huh. Not good.
Bend has two main streets for its downtown, Bond and Wall, I think they were. Bend is a very yuppified place. Now, usually I like yuppie towns, but this one just irritated the hell out of me. I like SMALL, CHARMING, somewhat hippieish yuppie towns I think it is.... Maybe this was too big and too ... Presumptious is the word I used to describe it earlier for me. Or maybe not being able to breathe was just getting on my nerves, lol, I don't know which.
It has everything a good yuppie could want.... I saw a fancy wine tasting shop, a very fancy looking gourmet chocolate shop, at least three or four independent coffee shops plus a Starbucks,
outdoor shops, a couple candy and ice cream shops, a crepe place, several bars, a couple disco like places that scared me to even walk past, several resteraunts, most of looked rather seedy, actually.... a few chains like Subway.... a few chains I'd only seen in the west like Pita Pit andI can't remember what else... My memory is failing me, what else? I can't remember. But you get the picture. It had stores to fit most every need I am sure. I walked down the first street, tried not to get blinded by the sun as I crossed on to the second street....feeling kind of faint and dizzy even without the sun suggesting that it might be the air in combination with the sun that gave me problems the other day.... then got to this huge, huge candy shop that advertised gelato...
A woman was outside taking out the trash so I asked her their flavors and asked if she could bring some outside, which she obliged to.
I will give them credit for one thing: It was the fanciest and best presentation of gelato or any ice cream I have ever seen. I asked for half expresso and half cookies and cream, and they did it side by side instead of one on top of the other which I hate because you can't access the bottom one....Blended perfectly, with a wafer cookie stick stuck in the middle, in a fancy dish! It was perfect synergy with the two flavors and cookie in middle. Cookie tasted great. Gelato was just okay in flavor, the expresso ice cream in Newport and Eugene was much better. Cookies and cream was better.
Tried to get dinner from 2 different places that had outdoor seating or to go capabilities, and in both cases, well, first one, guy comes out to take my order, STRONGEST COLOGNE I have experienced in a very long time, couldn't stand next to him for a minute. Decided to go elsewhere. Walked to other resteraunt I was interested in. Finally got their phone number to call them to order. Woman walked out to take my order, STRONGEST PERFUME I have experienced in a long time, I gave up on the idea of dinner and beat a hasty retreat out of there.
Everyone walking around downtown was highly, highly scented. I am used to people being mildly scented, but never in recent memory have I experienced people so offensive in odor as the people at those two resteraunts; and usually walking around downtown is not so offensive as this was.
Between the air and scented people I needed a break so I went to Drake Park. That proved a much more enjoyable experience. I was too overwhelmed to enjoy it at first but I sat down for 10 min and felt better and decided t o walk around. It was beautiful. Huge river with great walking path all around it. Ducks float by in huge numbers. People float by on rafts and canoes.
It is really quite pleasant to walk around, as loing as you avoud the large groups of pot smoking teenagers gathered at strategic places around the river.
I managed to feel more relaxed after walking around the river and sat for a while contemplating life in the company of a homeless man sleeping nearby. I didn't actually realize he was homeless till he lied down and put a blanket around him, but he seemed harmless enough.
Needless to say , if this is a big enough city to have pot smoking teenagers and homeless people out in the open, it's a lot bigger than anything I'm used to, but , something to get used to, I suppose.
For some reason the homeless guy didn't bother me nearly as much as the pot smoking teenagers, but he was a very docile and calm looking guy. He actually reminded me of half the people in Missoula. He just looked like a hippie with the long unwashed hair look; like I said, I didn't know he was homeless till the blanket.
Preppy - that's the other word I was looking for. All the teenagers and young people walking around looked very preppy , and there is nothing that I hate more than preppy, pretentious people, especially such people under the age of 30, especially, well, any people under the age of 30.
lol. I jest but I am serious. I hate cities with high percentags of young people walking around. Wehther or not this is one of them remains yet to be seen but I far far prefer the tie dyed hippies walkin around Newport. THOSE people I could be comfortable with.
I felt a certain kinship with the homeless guy actually.... a sense of differentness and out of placeness. I wouldn't have engaged him in conversation but I didnt mind sitting next near him.
The teenagers, on the other hand.... Man, there are too many little, hidden ,out of the way places where teens can go to smoke, drink and party.... I saw the evidence in many places and stumbled upon one such get together on one part of the river which I beat a hasty retreat from. Isn't a shame when people have to ruin perfectly good nature with drunken debauchery? That's how forest fires get started and it isn't pretty.
I suppose I should stick to places more off the beaten path. Or at least places to walk rather than downtown. I liked the dog park we went to last night; it had some good walking trails and beautiful scenery with lots of sagebrush and small desert trees populating the landscape everywhere....kind of fascinating to see and the air felt much better last night so better to walk around.
I need something to look forward to. As I haven't found anything I actually really enjoy yet I need to be patient and hopeful and look forward to finding good places to walk and perhaps cookies from Trader Joe's if we ever get there.
I got lost on an extinct volcano a few nights ago, that was an adventure. Tried to go up the trail we had driven up , up the walking path, too many paths jutting off the one I was on, nothing was marked, got horribly lost and didn't enjoy it so much. But I think I know what I did wrong and now I want to try it again later in the week because if you do it right I think it could be fun and you get an amazing view. Only I want to start from the top, not the bottom.
Downtown Bend reminded me a little of Burlington VT. Burlington was full of yuppie shops and WAY TOO MANY COLLEGE STUDENTS. I hated it with a passion. Seriously. Whoever knew you could get road rage when you're not driving? That was me. I wanted those people out of my way. Five minutes ago. Man, I felt I was drowning in college students. I hated that city.
They did however have amazing apple cinamon crepes and maple cream puffs, which was Burlington's saving grace.
Anyway, this city doesn't have a quarter the college students but it still seems to have the same yuppie air and too many stuck up young people floating around. (Predjucied? Me? Noooo lol)
But this where I run into trouble with definitions. I always thought I *LIKED* yuppie towns. I do.
I am looking up the definition of yuppie. I realized I use it a lot without really knowing what it means. Here are some definitions I am googling:
Acronym for Young Urban Professional. Group whose culture blends the hippie/counterculture values of the 60s and the materialistic monetary-based values of the 80s. Usually congregate in Starbuck's, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and a wide variety of vintage clothing boutiques. Includes both moderate Liberals (Majority of yuppies), and moderate Conservatives (smaller group of yuppies), although both the far left and the far right enjoy dissing them.
That makes sense I guess. It's kind of like a hippie blended with the more materialistic values of the current times.
I don't like to consider myself matieralistic, but I do like "yuppie" things like boutiquey shops, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, ice cream shops, so on.....
But there is a HUGE difference between yuppie towns like Portland (Maine), Portsmouth, Missoula, Newport (okay, Newport is more hippie than yuppie) and then towns like Burlington and what I think so far Bend is. I can't quite put my finger on it.
But one is more materialistic, more trendy, more "hip" than the others.
The "yuppie" towns I like are more on the quirky and hippie side, I suppose. They have cute little shops of all kinds and sorts but both the shops and people seem unpretentious and down to earth. The people walking around are not dressed up and do not reek of money. There is tie dye thrown in occasionally.
All the definitions I am googling about yuppies seem to have do with materialism, arrogance, and most of all, money. I would argue that's "preppy," not 'yuppie', but what do I know, lol
If a yuppie is someone who spends a lot of money on materialistic things.....well, I do on food, but that's the only thing. A person can spend more money on one class of items and still have good values and be a good person etc
YUPPIE: Young Urban Professional
http://www.acronymfinder.com/af-quer...Acronym=YUPPIE
HIPPIE: Helper In Promoting Peaceful Individual Existence
http://www.acronymfinder.com/af-quer...Acronym=HIPPIE
I think I'd much rather be a hippie than a yuppie.
http://www.nytimes.com/1985/09/09/us/in-arizona-mining-town-it-s-yuppies-vs-hippies.html
Maybe being a yuppie is or can be a bit like being culturally Jewish .... you like some aspects of the definition but disregard most.
So called yuppie stores and products are part of my upbringing, a part of my heritage, a part of me. They are the places I feel most comfortable around because I grew up around yuppie stores, resteraunts, and consumer products.
So therefore I feel most comfortable in towns that have these things in them.
But just because I have a familiarity and appreciation for these things doesn't mean I'm materialistic or "upwardly mobile" , hell, I'm on Social Security, lol.
But it does mean I'll spend $4 on a smoothie, buy organic food, shop at Whole Foods, frequent coffee shops (at least when I used to be able to go in them).... because I just like these things.
Maybe I should just stop analyzing myself... We are what we are and we shouldn't question the things we like because there are too few joys to be found in this world.
"First there came the hippies, politically and culturally rebellious participants in the counterculture of the Sixties. And then there were the preppies, materialistic and upscale, obsessed with status, who believed the privileges they took for granted were due them thanks to an accident of birth. Yuppies melded what they deemed the best of both worlds -- the materialism of the preppies absent the snobbery and the self-absorbed perfectionism of the hippie without the anti-establishment mindset. The term "Yuppie" was first used in print by Chicago Tribune columnist Bob Greene in a March 1983 piece on Jerry Rubin, a hippie-turned-yuppie, and was bandied about extensively in the 1984 presidential campaign in which Colorado senator Gary Hart, a contender for the Democratic nomination, seemed tailor-made to appeal to the fiscally conservative but socially liberal yuppie voter."
According to that paragraph, a yuppie is a mix between a hippie and a preppy.
That works, I guess.
Hippies seem more peaceful and grounded, back to the earth values, value emotional well being, people, the environment, etc more, whereas yuppies value money and materialistic things more.
To call a town yuppie, then, is maybe referring to the fact that it has upscale shopping, culture, theater, cutesy little shops, coffee shops, smoothie shops, stores and experiences that cater to needs other than the essential - more than just grocery stores, hardware stores, car dealerships, dollar stores, drugstores, etc.
Liberty was definitely not a yuppie town.
But every other town I have lived in - Portland, Portsmouth, Burlington, Missoula, Newport - as far as I can tell, using that definition, is.
And I do like towns like that.
But I think one can define the difference between more of a "hippie yuppie" and a "preppy yuppie."
Burlington fell into the latter, and like I said, I think Bend does too.
Newport was definitely all hippie :)
Okay now that my brain is about to explode I think I'm going to end this post....
Any opinions?
When you live in this many cities you need some way to judge them against each other, lol
Kate
I don't like cooking sole. It is too thin and breaks into little pieces and I can never tell when it's done.
I don't like cooking at all actually but since I seem to have become completely intolerant of chicken (or at least cold chicken breasts cooked several days earlier, but most chicken in general) it means I actually have to a) cook and b) find things to cook, both which are very time consuming and energy consuming processes that should not be done at the same time one is trying to settle into a new and very bizarre place.
The salmon I did was okay. Potatoes were not. I did some chicken thigh pieces with Briggs sauce rhat were okay but again were chicken. I might try a take out place one night.
The sole was much better the first time.
Anyway. Enough about cooking.
Went to downtown Bend tonight. First of all the air is totally bothering me. I can't figure out if it's humidity, elevation, something else or neither but I feel like I can't breathe in it. That doesn't exactly make for relaxing walks and I need walks to relax, right, so, Well, huh. Not good.
Bend has two main streets for its downtown, Bond and Wall, I think they were. Bend is a very yuppified place. Now, usually I like yuppie towns, but this one just irritated the hell out of me. I like SMALL, CHARMING, somewhat hippieish yuppie towns I think it is.... Maybe this was too big and too ... Presumptious is the word I used to describe it earlier for me. Or maybe not being able to breathe was just getting on my nerves, lol, I don't know which.
It has everything a good yuppie could want.... I saw a fancy wine tasting shop, a very fancy looking gourmet chocolate shop, at least three or four independent coffee shops plus a Starbucks,
outdoor shops, a couple candy and ice cream shops, a crepe place, several bars, a couple disco like places that scared me to even walk past, several resteraunts, most of looked rather seedy, actually.... a few chains like Subway.... a few chains I'd only seen in the west like Pita Pit andI can't remember what else... My memory is failing me, what else? I can't remember. But you get the picture. It had stores to fit most every need I am sure. I walked down the first street, tried not to get blinded by the sun as I crossed on to the second street....feeling kind of faint and dizzy even without the sun suggesting that it might be the air in combination with the sun that gave me problems the other day.... then got to this huge, huge candy shop that advertised gelato...
A woman was outside taking out the trash so I asked her their flavors and asked if she could bring some outside, which she obliged to.
I will give them credit for one thing: It was the fanciest and best presentation of gelato or any ice cream I have ever seen. I asked for half expresso and half cookies and cream, and they did it side by side instead of one on top of the other which I hate because you can't access the bottom one....Blended perfectly, with a wafer cookie stick stuck in the middle, in a fancy dish! It was perfect synergy with the two flavors and cookie in middle. Cookie tasted great. Gelato was just okay in flavor, the expresso ice cream in Newport and Eugene was much better. Cookies and cream was better.
Tried to get dinner from 2 different places that had outdoor seating or to go capabilities, and in both cases, well, first one, guy comes out to take my order, STRONGEST COLOGNE I have experienced in a very long time, couldn't stand next to him for a minute. Decided to go elsewhere. Walked to other resteraunt I was interested in. Finally got their phone number to call them to order. Woman walked out to take my order, STRONGEST PERFUME I have experienced in a long time, I gave up on the idea of dinner and beat a hasty retreat out of there.
Everyone walking around downtown was highly, highly scented. I am used to people being mildly scented, but never in recent memory have I experienced people so offensive in odor as the people at those two resteraunts; and usually walking around downtown is not so offensive as this was.
Between the air and scented people I needed a break so I went to Drake Park. That proved a much more enjoyable experience. I was too overwhelmed to enjoy it at first but I sat down for 10 min and felt better and decided t o walk around. It was beautiful. Huge river with great walking path all around it. Ducks float by in huge numbers. People float by on rafts and canoes.
It is really quite pleasant to walk around, as loing as you avoud the large groups of pot smoking teenagers gathered at strategic places around the river.
I managed to feel more relaxed after walking around the river and sat for a while contemplating life in the company of a homeless man sleeping nearby. I didn't actually realize he was homeless till he lied down and put a blanket around him, but he seemed harmless enough.
Needless to say , if this is a big enough city to have pot smoking teenagers and homeless people out in the open, it's a lot bigger than anything I'm used to, but , something to get used to, I suppose.
For some reason the homeless guy didn't bother me nearly as much as the pot smoking teenagers, but he was a very docile and calm looking guy. He actually reminded me of half the people in Missoula. He just looked like a hippie with the long unwashed hair look; like I said, I didn't know he was homeless till the blanket.
Preppy - that's the other word I was looking for. All the teenagers and young people walking around looked very preppy , and there is nothing that I hate more than preppy, pretentious people, especially such people under the age of 30, especially, well, any people under the age of 30.
lol. I jest but I am serious. I hate cities with high percentags of young people walking around. Wehther or not this is one of them remains yet to be seen but I far far prefer the tie dyed hippies walkin around Newport. THOSE people I could be comfortable with.
I felt a certain kinship with the homeless guy actually.... a sense of differentness and out of placeness. I wouldn't have engaged him in conversation but I didnt mind sitting next near him.
The teenagers, on the other hand.... Man, there are too many little, hidden ,out of the way places where teens can go to smoke, drink and party.... I saw the evidence in many places and stumbled upon one such get together on one part of the river which I beat a hasty retreat from. Isn't a shame when people have to ruin perfectly good nature with drunken debauchery? That's how forest fires get started and it isn't pretty.
I suppose I should stick to places more off the beaten path. Or at least places to walk rather than downtown. I liked the dog park we went to last night; it had some good walking trails and beautiful scenery with lots of sagebrush and small desert trees populating the landscape everywhere....kind of fascinating to see and the air felt much better last night so better to walk around.
I need something to look forward to. As I haven't found anything I actually really enjoy yet I need to be patient and hopeful and look forward to finding good places to walk and perhaps cookies from Trader Joe's if we ever get there.
I got lost on an extinct volcano a few nights ago, that was an adventure. Tried to go up the trail we had driven up , up the walking path, too many paths jutting off the one I was on, nothing was marked, got horribly lost and didn't enjoy it so much. But I think I know what I did wrong and now I want to try it again later in the week because if you do it right I think it could be fun and you get an amazing view. Only I want to start from the top, not the bottom.
Downtown Bend reminded me a little of Burlington VT. Burlington was full of yuppie shops and WAY TOO MANY COLLEGE STUDENTS. I hated it with a passion. Seriously. Whoever knew you could get road rage when you're not driving? That was me. I wanted those people out of my way. Five minutes ago. Man, I felt I was drowning in college students. I hated that city.
They did however have amazing apple cinamon crepes and maple cream puffs, which was Burlington's saving grace.
Anyway, this city doesn't have a quarter the college students but it still seems to have the same yuppie air and too many stuck up young people floating around. (Predjucied? Me? Noooo lol)
But this where I run into trouble with definitions. I always thought I *LIKED* yuppie towns. I do.
I am looking up the definition of yuppie. I realized I use it a lot without really knowing what it means. Here are some definitions I am googling:
Acronym for Young Urban Professional. Group whose culture blends the hippie/counterculture values of the 60s and the materialistic monetary-based values of the 80s. Usually congregate in Starbuck's, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and a wide variety of vintage clothing boutiques. Includes both moderate Liberals (Majority of yuppies), and moderate Conservatives (smaller group of yuppies), although both the far left and the far right enjoy dissing them.
That makes sense I guess. It's kind of like a hippie blended with the more materialistic values of the current times.
I don't like to consider myself matieralistic, but I do like "yuppie" things like boutiquey shops, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, ice cream shops, so on.....
But there is a HUGE difference between yuppie towns like Portland (Maine), Portsmouth, Missoula, Newport (okay, Newport is more hippie than yuppie) and then towns like Burlington and what I think so far Bend is. I can't quite put my finger on it.
But one is more materialistic, more trendy, more "hip" than the others.
The "yuppie" towns I like are more on the quirky and hippie side, I suppose. They have cute little shops of all kinds and sorts but both the shops and people seem unpretentious and down to earth. The people walking around are not dressed up and do not reek of money. There is tie dye thrown in occasionally.
All the definitions I am googling about yuppies seem to have do with materialism, arrogance, and most of all, money. I would argue that's "preppy," not 'yuppie', but what do I know, lol
If a yuppie is someone who spends a lot of money on materialistic things.....well, I do on food, but that's the only thing. A person can spend more money on one class of items and still have good values and be a good person etc
YUPPIE: Young Urban Professional
http://www.acronymfinder.com/af-quer...Acronym=YUPPIE
HIPPIE: Helper In Promoting Peaceful Individual Existence
http://www.acronymfinder.com/af-quer...Acronym=HIPPIE
I think I'd much rather be a hippie than a yuppie.
http://www.nytimes.com/1985/09/09/us/in-arizona-mining-town-it-s-yuppies-vs-hippies.html
Maybe being a yuppie is or can be a bit like being culturally Jewish .... you like some aspects of the definition but disregard most.
So called yuppie stores and products are part of my upbringing, a part of my heritage, a part of me. They are the places I feel most comfortable around because I grew up around yuppie stores, resteraunts, and consumer products.
So therefore I feel most comfortable in towns that have these things in them.
But just because I have a familiarity and appreciation for these things doesn't mean I'm materialistic or "upwardly mobile" , hell, I'm on Social Security, lol.
But it does mean I'll spend $4 on a smoothie, buy organic food, shop at Whole Foods, frequent coffee shops (at least when I used to be able to go in them).... because I just like these things.
Maybe I should just stop analyzing myself... We are what we are and we shouldn't question the things we like because there are too few joys to be found in this world.
"First there came the hippies, politically and culturally rebellious participants in the counterculture of the Sixties. And then there were the preppies, materialistic and upscale, obsessed with status, who believed the privileges they took for granted were due them thanks to an accident of birth. Yuppies melded what they deemed the best of both worlds -- the materialism of the preppies absent the snobbery and the self-absorbed perfectionism of the hippie without the anti-establishment mindset. The term "Yuppie" was first used in print by Chicago Tribune columnist Bob Greene in a March 1983 piece on Jerry Rubin, a hippie-turned-yuppie, and was bandied about extensively in the 1984 presidential campaign in which Colorado senator Gary Hart, a contender for the Democratic nomination, seemed tailor-made to appeal to the fiscally conservative but socially liberal yuppie voter."
According to that paragraph, a yuppie is a mix between a hippie and a preppy.
That works, I guess.
Hippies seem more peaceful and grounded, back to the earth values, value emotional well being, people, the environment, etc more, whereas yuppies value money and materialistic things more.
To call a town yuppie, then, is maybe referring to the fact that it has upscale shopping, culture, theater, cutesy little shops, coffee shops, smoothie shops, stores and experiences that cater to needs other than the essential - more than just grocery stores, hardware stores, car dealerships, dollar stores, drugstores, etc.
Liberty was definitely not a yuppie town.
But every other town I have lived in - Portland, Portsmouth, Burlington, Missoula, Newport - as far as I can tell, using that definition, is.
And I do like towns like that.
But I think one can define the difference between more of a "hippie yuppie" and a "preppy yuppie."
Burlington fell into the latter, and like I said, I think Bend does too.
Newport was definitely all hippie :)
Okay now that my brain is about to explode I think I'm going to end this post....
Any opinions?
When you live in this many cities you need some way to judge them against each other, lol
Kate
Friday, June 19, 2009
Finally a little bit centered
View from Pilot Butte, Bend, OregonAlthough I lost the centered feeling hours ago, but it's worth documenting...
Been nothing but emotional chaos and turmoil ..... whole foods was ick.... Bend has humidity after all.... the sun is way too strong and wasted me ..... etc etc etc dont want to thik about it
I am trying to find a stable place and state of mind
This helped a lot tonight:
We went up to Pilot Butte, an extinct volcano. A mile away from here.
Stunningly beautiful, you could see everything for a hundred miles probably, you could see the Cascade Mountains in the background.... there was a lovely walking path..... viewing area at the top w/ 360 degree panoramaic view.... sun was gone THANK GOD , air was good..... felt centered..... connected.....free.... the agitation of the past few days gone temporarily finally....able to feel centered and connected...... I needed that so bad. Wanted to walk walking trail all theway down but M was waiting so will hav to do another day.
Something to look forward to.
Also I cooked wild copper river sockeye salmon and it came out GOOD....olive oil, basil, thyme, lemon.... Perfect end to the outing. Trying to avoid chicken. Chicken not agreeing w me anymore. Fish, salad, potatoes, fruit, and got a steak to make another night, is my meal plan for the
moment. More variety than chicken.
This is what it looked like:
Two accomplishments but now I feel a bit wasted again cus I spent so long making photo album of pics from Eugene and tonight:
www.photobucket.com/bendoregon
So pls be sure to go look at it and leave me comments here, please....I love your comments, and would appreciate if people would leave them when they could..... just any old random thing that pops into your head....makes me feel less lonely :)
Anyway here's hoping less chaotic things will happen but I will focus on the good....
Sorry for incoherenre, am tired...
yay for cell phone reception:)
Kate
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