Well, it's been a long three months, or however long it was since I first met M and devised the plan of going to Bend. A long, long time. A lot of waiting. A lot of planning. A lot of wondering. A lot of worrying. A lot of conversations. And a lot of traveling!
But after three months or so of planning, the time is finally here. The moment has arrived. The reason this blog came into existence is finally being fulfilled. Tomorrow, I AM GOING TO BEND!
I am learning how to bend, in Bend, tomorrow, on the big screen :)
I am fulfilling the goal of a year ago when I sat on the picnic blanket with my friend L and talked about how I yearned to move to an MCS safe opportunity I had found in Bend, which fell through.
A year later, ironically enough, I have found a different opportunity in Bend, and tomorrow, I am going to fulfill that destiny. I am moving to Bend.
Man, it feels good to have history, even if it's just having the image of a city in my head for so long. I don't know what it will be like in reality, but it will be fun to see.
I met M, my new roommate tonight. She came over for dinner. We had salmon and ceaser salad (take out), my absolute favorites. Yum! (They sure don't like to cook the salmon much here, lol, it was very pink.... Nah, but it was still good, but still a bit different than what I am used to...closest yet, though, since it was a salmon fillet...grilled.... yum I love salmon)
ANYWAY. I liked M. I liked her more than I thought I would, even if at first I was very nervous and frustrated because it was hard to get a word in edgewise with the conversation she and RM were having. But then it got better and I was able to join convo. M seems calm and centered and aware of my needs and so far not overwhelmed by me so all good things.
So, tomorrow at noon we leave for my great adventure. Wish me luck! I have go to bed now so I can get some sleep. Should have written this an hour ago, lol.
The Rascal Flatts song "Here" comes to mind. I should bring that CD with me so we can listen in the car. I have an inspirational (not religious but just songs I like) country CD someone burnt for me that always makes me feel better.
Please wish me luck!! Talk to you from Bend next time!!
Until then -
Learning how to bend,
Kate
Monday, June 15, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
When Popcorn Isn't Popcorn
I have only a few minutes to write. I need to write though and wish I had more time.
The short version is that I had another two hour conversation with RM tonight. We discussed the Bend situation and when I should go.
The short answer is she is cleaning the mold upstairs and cleaning the carpets next Wednesday, and doesn't want me in the house when she does it because of health reasons and more mold in the air when she does it, etc.
So that really seems to lead to going on June 14. Sunday. Obviously it's a lot sooner than I expected. The original date was that yes but then we changed it several times and ended on July 7. So I wasn't prepared at all. It is quite a struggle to get my mind all of a sudden wrapped around the idea that I am leaving here, moving, in just a few short days. But I need to do it. So I will. I will finally be Learning How to Bend, huh?
I have never been so conflicted in my life. Never. Ugh. I just... Every time I wrote a list of pros and cons for Bend vs here, and when to go, it came out strongly in Bend's favor. Logically speaking. And I said, well, that is what I should do, then. But my heart wasn't in it. I panicked at the thought of leaving RM.
I am not used to feeling this emotion. I have never felt it in my life. I have never gotten close enough to someone to actually miss them, I mean really miss them, as sad as it sounds. And I am already missing her. Hard.
It came down, for me, to a choice between fulfilling emotional needs and material needs. Bend has every material need I have been lacking here: transportation, sunny non humid weather, cell phone reception, a chemically safer house most likely, more people that I might know, even. But Newport has RM. I don't even care about the ocean; it's great but I don't mind leaving it.
But RM. I feel such a sense of loss.
I know it's not forever. I know we can phone and email. But it's not the same.
When you've been in pain all your life because you've never met a single person who you felt understood you; when you've been lonely and isolated all your life because you could never find anyone to have conversations with; when you've had lousy self esteem all your life because you could never find a single person who seemed to be able to put up with you; when you've had a gaping wide emotional hole that you dreamed would one day be filled - and then you FIND all of those things, you find someone who understands you, respects you, cares about you, and lights up your life - when your emotional needs are being filled for the first time in your life - how the HELL can you leave that??? Seriously. I am feeling aches just thinking of it.
The sound of her voice, the smile on her face, all of it, fills my empty spaces.
And I am supposed to leave?
What is more important? The emotional fulfillment, the material stuff? I don't know. I did commit to trying Bend. I am looking forward to Bend. I do need to leave because of mold cleaning here. The decision has been made. But. I am just. I usually stand behind my decisions. This one is harder to.
Thoughts, opinions from anyone reading??
I need to accept it. I am trying. I wrote a list of evetything I am looking forward to there. I will get msyelf into a better headpace to accept it. And I can always come back but who knows how and if the dynamics will change? There will most likely be a roommate then too so of course it won't be the same. But I can come back if I need or want to. But, it rains all winter and that would drive me insane. Bend is sunny all year.
I am NOT used to having choices. I am NOT used to leaving places without having them be a crisis situation I am leaving. Usually the adrenaline from leaving crisis situations makes decisisons easy. Not this time.
I am glad and thankful for what I have. I am just trying to figure out how the hell to deal with the emotion of actually missing someone, of how to leave someone who has meant more than words can express to me.
Bend may be better. bend may be fine. who knows. the unknown is hard.
am i making the right decision to go, and can anyone understand why i feel so strongly about leaving her despite all the other negatives about the situation?
***
To remember note to self:
in conversation tonight she told me that i made the perfect roommate and that she would have a hard time finding someone else who worked half as well! she said because i am very considerate of her ( examples, coming to the door to tell her about chicken , making her food, not playing radio, respecting her space and need for quiet, etc) and because I had a "childlike inquisitiveness and curiousity without the responsibility of taking care of a child."
wonderful words that i want to remember for the rest of my life. start to heal from the images i had of myself before.
since most of my life i have been told i am selfish and think only of myself and never think of others, which i have always thought totally untrue (aspie miscommunications), this really was balm to my soul and wonderful to hear.
and as for the second, same thing. It seems that an Aspie way of looking at the world - the childlike wonder that often comes along with it - can actually be appreciated by some people. It is so nice to be liked, to think of myself as someone who people might actually want to be around and appreciate, for the first time in my life. Apply positive labels to msyelf instead of negative. What a gift.
****
Popcorn analogy:
Great analogy from the other night: RM said she was going to make some popcorn and asked if the smell would bother me. I automatically assumed she meant that terrible Orville Redbacher microwave popcorn, which has a totally toxic smell when microwaved. All kinds of chemicals. I said, "Popcorn smell doesn't bother you?" and she asked me how I was used to it being cooked. I said in the microwave. She then explained that she had actual corn which she pops in some kind of kettle and then puts melted butter on. REAL popcorn, not chemical. I said, "I should have figured you had a natural way to do it!" Ha. It was a bit of an epiphany for me, though: Just because something has been done a thousand times before the same way, just because every experience in your life has been the same way, doesn't mean there isn't the potential for things to change. Just because you've been hurt a million times doesn't mean there isn't the potential for healing and happiness. Just because the only thing you ever thought existed in the world was microwave popcorn - doesn't mean you won't get lucky and find people who do kettle popcorn. They do exist in the world. Do you follow that - an analogy - just saying- Things aren't always as you think they are. I liked it.
Maybe I can find other "Kettle Popcorn People" in the world.
Maybe just maybe it is worth exploring to see.
Ok this was rushed as I need to go to bed to get up semi early.
More later.
It's a start.
I am learning how to Bend.... My long journey will be complete in only a few days. I am leaving on Monday.
The third stage of the journey.
Kate
The short version is that I had another two hour conversation with RM tonight. We discussed the Bend situation and when I should go.
The short answer is she is cleaning the mold upstairs and cleaning the carpets next Wednesday, and doesn't want me in the house when she does it because of health reasons and more mold in the air when she does it, etc.
So that really seems to lead to going on June 14. Sunday. Obviously it's a lot sooner than I expected. The original date was that yes but then we changed it several times and ended on July 7. So I wasn't prepared at all. It is quite a struggle to get my mind all of a sudden wrapped around the idea that I am leaving here, moving, in just a few short days. But I need to do it. So I will. I will finally be Learning How to Bend, huh?
I have never been so conflicted in my life. Never. Ugh. I just... Every time I wrote a list of pros and cons for Bend vs here, and when to go, it came out strongly in Bend's favor. Logically speaking. And I said, well, that is what I should do, then. But my heart wasn't in it. I panicked at the thought of leaving RM.
I am not used to feeling this emotion. I have never felt it in my life. I have never gotten close enough to someone to actually miss them, I mean really miss them, as sad as it sounds. And I am already missing her. Hard.
It came down, for me, to a choice between fulfilling emotional needs and material needs. Bend has every material need I have been lacking here: transportation, sunny non humid weather, cell phone reception, a chemically safer house most likely, more people that I might know, even. But Newport has RM. I don't even care about the ocean; it's great but I don't mind leaving it.
But RM. I feel such a sense of loss.
I know it's not forever. I know we can phone and email. But it's not the same.
When you've been in pain all your life because you've never met a single person who you felt understood you; when you've been lonely and isolated all your life because you could never find anyone to have conversations with; when you've had lousy self esteem all your life because you could never find a single person who seemed to be able to put up with you; when you've had a gaping wide emotional hole that you dreamed would one day be filled - and then you FIND all of those things, you find someone who understands you, respects you, cares about you, and lights up your life - when your emotional needs are being filled for the first time in your life - how the HELL can you leave that??? Seriously. I am feeling aches just thinking of it.
The sound of her voice, the smile on her face, all of it, fills my empty spaces.
And I am supposed to leave?
What is more important? The emotional fulfillment, the material stuff? I don't know. I did commit to trying Bend. I am looking forward to Bend. I do need to leave because of mold cleaning here. The decision has been made. But. I am just. I usually stand behind my decisions. This one is harder to.
Thoughts, opinions from anyone reading??
I need to accept it. I am trying. I wrote a list of evetything I am looking forward to there. I will get msyelf into a better headpace to accept it. And I can always come back but who knows how and if the dynamics will change? There will most likely be a roommate then too so of course it won't be the same. But I can come back if I need or want to. But, it rains all winter and that would drive me insane. Bend is sunny all year.
I am NOT used to having choices. I am NOT used to leaving places without having them be a crisis situation I am leaving. Usually the adrenaline from leaving crisis situations makes decisisons easy. Not this time.
I am glad and thankful for what I have. I am just trying to figure out how the hell to deal with the emotion of actually missing someone, of how to leave someone who has meant more than words can express to me.
Bend may be better. bend may be fine. who knows. the unknown is hard.
am i making the right decision to go, and can anyone understand why i feel so strongly about leaving her despite all the other negatives about the situation?
***
To remember note to self:
in conversation tonight she told me that i made the perfect roommate and that she would have a hard time finding someone else who worked half as well! she said because i am very considerate of her ( examples, coming to the door to tell her about chicken , making her food, not playing radio, respecting her space and need for quiet, etc) and because I had a "childlike inquisitiveness and curiousity without the responsibility of taking care of a child."
wonderful words that i want to remember for the rest of my life. start to heal from the images i had of myself before.
since most of my life i have been told i am selfish and think only of myself and never think of others, which i have always thought totally untrue (aspie miscommunications), this really was balm to my soul and wonderful to hear.
and as for the second, same thing. It seems that an Aspie way of looking at the world - the childlike wonder that often comes along with it - can actually be appreciated by some people. It is so nice to be liked, to think of myself as someone who people might actually want to be around and appreciate, for the first time in my life. Apply positive labels to msyelf instead of negative. What a gift.
****
Popcorn analogy:
Great analogy from the other night: RM said she was going to make some popcorn and asked if the smell would bother me. I automatically assumed she meant that terrible Orville Redbacher microwave popcorn, which has a totally toxic smell when microwaved. All kinds of chemicals. I said, "Popcorn smell doesn't bother you?" and she asked me how I was used to it being cooked. I said in the microwave. She then explained that she had actual corn which she pops in some kind of kettle and then puts melted butter on. REAL popcorn, not chemical. I said, "I should have figured you had a natural way to do it!" Ha. It was a bit of an epiphany for me, though: Just because something has been done a thousand times before the same way, just because every experience in your life has been the same way, doesn't mean there isn't the potential for things to change. Just because you've been hurt a million times doesn't mean there isn't the potential for healing and happiness. Just because the only thing you ever thought existed in the world was microwave popcorn - doesn't mean you won't get lucky and find people who do kettle popcorn. They do exist in the world. Do you follow that - an analogy - just saying- Things aren't always as you think they are. I liked it.
Maybe I can find other "Kettle Popcorn People" in the world.
Maybe just maybe it is worth exploring to see.
Ok this was rushed as I need to go to bed to get up semi early.
More later.
It's a start.
I am learning how to Bend.... My long journey will be complete in only a few days. I am leaving on Monday.
The third stage of the journey.
Kate
Monday, June 8, 2009
Happiness and Where Should I Live?
I was thinking more on the topic of how to define happiness tonight and if I'm experiencing it or not.
Happiness. I want to define different levels of happiness. I want to try to figure out if I am happy or not by doing this. It is a hard thing to figure out.
When I was in college, happiness was such an intense thing. I was both ecstatic and very depressed many times throughout the same day. I swung back and forth all day long, all week long, etc etc. Happiness was a visceral thing for me. When I was happy, usually because of a song on the radio, I felt it intensely, in every corner of my body. My mind would open up, my body would feel free, I felt a burning sense of joy, I felt light, I felt powerful. I felt like dancing, and laughing, and I did. My joy consumed all parts of my body. I felt on top of the world. I felt connected to the world, to some kind of, dare I say it, higher power? I don't believe in God or really any kind of spirituality, but maybe this kind of joy was like something spiritual. I don't know.
My lows were equal to the highs, usually when I'd get depressed after comparing myself to others and sob for a while and feel as if the world had ended.
Until another good song came on the radio and I was in ecstacy again, until I thought I made a gaffe in a conversation with someone and I was plunged back into depression, until I had a smoothie and I was on top of the world, until I observed three girls laughing and wished I could be like them and was in despair again, until......Well, you get the picture.
It sounds exhausting just thinking about it, actually, but it seemed so normal then. And the lows were usually worth it for the highs - well, not that I had much time to think of it. There was no middle ground. When I was happy I was happy, when I was sad, I wasn't. I did actually not like the yo-yoing so much but it just was. And the highs at least did compensate nicely for the lows.
Anyway, moving on. My next point of reference is after college, before the MCS got bad. I remember thinking, well, my highs aren't as intense, I don't feel as incredibly joyous when something good happens, but my lows aren't nearly as low, and my highs are still pretty good, so overall I've mellowed out but am still able to enjoy myself, so all is good.
When I was living in South Portland, the highs got a little higher and the lows a little lower but not too much different - the result of more stimulation, I suppose, more of a life - I was able to be independent and do stuff on my own which made me feel great but still had some problems.
After MCS, though...... Well. I should not spend too much time dwelling on what happened as it is very depressing. But all I know, is. After that third apartment, my whole life changed, and I lost half my functionality in an instant - literally one day. I went to bed feeling one way and woke up feeling broken. The brain fog that I had never experienced before, the feeling very, very, VERY VERY far away from everything, almost like looking at it through a 50 feet tunnel - that was the most terrifying experience I have ever had, that first day of it I mean. Not that it's not still scary but the first time was obviously the worst, and most severe, too. I think the scariest most traumatic thing I have ever experienced was walking up Congress St the day after I woke up in that apartment and feeling like I couldn't even think straight enough or function well enough to even walk, to do anything, just "what's happening to me??" and then to be all alone when experiencing it, was just awful.
It had been humid for months before that so I had expected during the summer to lose my ability to enjoy anything much.
Always happened. Didn't like it but dealt with it. Most of my joy comes from listening to music and singing to bit and experiencing it at a very deep level. In the summer with the humidity, I can hardly breathe, and certainly can't sing or experience anything other than discomfort - but again - expected. What was NOT expected, when the humidity FINALLY started to break, I think it was mid to late September - I think I had a week in between where I was feeling okay again, feeling like myself again, able to connect with that feeling of joy when listening to music in the right circumstances, so I did have it back - but after the apartment, and after the initial shock of the intense brain fog had passed and I got a little more functional and was able to figure out how to navigate the world in my more impaired state - the ability to enjoy things and to enjoy the music was lost again. I was pissed about that. I was PISSED. I had waited all summer to be able to enjoy music, or anything, and to get it for a few days and then lose it to some terrifying, nameless thing - I was pissed.
But as the months passed I got used to it. You get used to it almost anything, right? Given enough time.
I wasn't able to really sing to songs again after this, not like I did before. It hurts to say that and think about it but I did get used to it more or less. When faced with a crisis, you can't focus on what you've lost; you've got to focus on what you still have or you won't get through it. Survival was more important than being happy. So, I found I could still get some enjoyment out of listening to songs and connecting to them that way. And maybe singing a verse or two every once in a while. Wasn't like it was before but it was still fun, right. It was still fun. It still made me happy.
It is hard to explain what happens when I try to do this. I don't have the breath to do it, for one, where I always did before - I'd dance around singing every single word, every single line exactly in time with the song - for four or 5 songs in a row if they were good ones. It was exhilarating. But I became lucky to get out a couple lines. Also, there is a pressure on my head when I try to do it. It is hard to explain. But it's like either emotionally, cognitively, or from a sensory perspective or SOMETHING, the act of singing and connecting to the music is a complete overwhelm and makes my head feel like it is going to burst. So obviously I don't do it. Who wants that feeloing? But I don't know why.
I was still able to dance a little when the mood struck and sing maybe half a song at times, once in a great while a whole song, and then the dog shampoo incident occurred at my dad's house. After that I couldn't , my body felt very out of sync, hard to move around, unbalanced, I couldn't dance, I couldn't sing half as much as I could before, which still wasn't much then.
Again, I adjusted. Listen to it and get the joy that way.
I am trying to think if I was ever really happy in....well there were some times in Missoula, yes. Where I was able to connect to the joy. One particular moment I remember at Bernice's where I hadn't been to town in several days and got there and got to Bernice's and to "my" picnic table, sun was shining, sat on it, felt so good, put on the radio and an amazing song was on..... and I was able to sing the entire song. And felt it, and felt really good. And maybe even another song - Ican't remember. But a lot more than usual. I couldn't figure out why I was able to do it then, and never again or before. But I still had it in Missoula, the ability for joy.
Did I in Liberty? I was probably too caught up in survival. But I think I did, I remember a few good songs coming on that made me happy, yeah I did.
Did I in Maine? Not as much, it is hard to remember. Again, more survival. Took walks every day but hard to enjoy them. I
don't remembner. So dependent on circumstances. Didnt have that much time in portland alone where it might happen. i thnk i did those times though. probably I did .
So that brings us to the present. it frustrates me . My experience of joy has changed, I feel. All of my emotions feel deadened. I do not feel like I feel joy as intensely as before. That worries me. I do not think my worries have been as intense either, which is good, but not at the price of not feeling joy!!
When good things happen I feel too often like they are happening from far away. I feel like I don't FEEL them. I have to tell myself to be happy about them. I tell myself, this is a beautiful town and you have a great roommate and yada yada , so you should be happy.
And in one way, I am. I do enjoy the conversations I have with my roommate. I know I do feel emotionally fulfilled and intellectually stimulated to a degree - but it's just the degree is a quarter of what I would have felt before. I am pretty sure of that. Don't get me wrong, they're better conversations than I've ever had in my life, and I love them, it's just I'm paying attention to how I'm feeling on a more ... subtle, nuanced level and I'm feeling like I should be feeling more. About that and about Newport.
I do get satisfaction out of walking around Newport, and I do enjoy seeing the boats and the town and ice cream and so on, but I don't feel joy. I do get a sense of achievement out of figuring out directions and how to get places, though. Thats more of an accomplishment related thing, so it makes sense.
I define joy I guess as a somewhat visceral, all consuming feeling. It makes you feel light and wonderful and connected to the world. And until recently I think I still felt it in the right situations.
And maybe my standards are too high and maybe I was just lucky before, maybe most people don't feel this way, but I have felt that way all my life, alongside the crippling anxiety and depression, and took it for granted to some degree. That was what happiness meant to me, as true as the sky is blue and water is wet. My feeling of connection that comes only in certain circumstances but comes pretty often - that is what I have lived for all my life. That is what I look forward to.
So that is why it feels so wrong not to experience it.
It is all very well to enjoy something I suppose, but why I can't I feel this feeling of joy? Should I be worried?
What does happiness mean, what does enjoyment mean, etc? Probably I shouldnt work so hard to label it but like I said the feeling that it is lacking when it has no reason to be is what is worrying me.
It is what is creating the massive feeling of cognitive dissonance in my head. The one that is saying, you have everything you have ever wanted pretty much in your life, you have a great relationship with someone and all the social contact and input you had always wanted, and a stunningly beautiful town to live in, and it's all MCS safe which is all you really wanted anyway. So why no joy? I should be happy - I can't even tell if I'm happy or not. I don't think happy feels this way. But maybe it does to other people? Is this just a dumbed down version of happy?
I know I am glad to be here. I know I like Newport and I like my roommate. Maybe I am stressed out by the other things though. Getting used to sharing space w someone and all the other minor changes that are not bad per se but just a big adjustment.
In reality I still have a lot left to worry about and desire. It would theoeretically be nice to have things like transportation into a town whenever I wanted it, friends, a social life, a purpose in life , such as a job or hobbies or something.... not to have MCS... and so on. I realize my life is far from perfect. But I have conditioned myself not to want those things and not to even notice they're not there most of the time, except in the background. So they shouldn't play a role into whether or not I am happy, I feel. I think.
I feel like I should be happy with just the survival issues I have worked so long to achieve: a chemically and emotionally safe place to live.
But it seems that humans need more than that, huh?
Not to survive, but to be happy, I guess.
Adrenaline....It seems I almost do better when I'm in crisis situations to some degree because then the adrenaline takes over and I don't have to think about the small things because I'm so engrossed in survival. Don't have to think about anything but the big issues at hand and getting through the moment and can then be proud of myself for it.
But that's not a healthy way to live by far. I don't want crises by any stretch of the imagination. They wear me out. Two years of constant crises has worn me out and they get harder every time.
But it seems w/ all the survival needs removed I am focusing too much on the other worries that have been shelved for two years. It was easy not to think of petty thngs when you have survival needs. But now I'm left to have the time and brainspace to think of the trauma of what MCS has done to me, of my social issues, of my future, and most of all my lack of anything meaningful to do with my time - that is the hardest one of all. How can you be satisfied without anything to do? I should be grateful for survival and safety, and I AM, believe me, I am. That is really the most important thing of all. Nothing matters besides that.
But it is hard to actually be happy without anything to do.
So all those people who say I must be so happy, that I have finally found my place, that I am the happiest I've ever been in my life.... they're wrong. I am the safest chemically and emotionally in terms of the people surrounding me that I have been in my life, and those things are good, but they don't equal happiness. They equal survival. I think. Do I have this right?
In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs of course Survival needs come before psychological and self actualization needs. I think a person needs them all to be happy. Which is a shame!!!! Because the first couple levels were damn hard enough to attain! I don't know how I'm going to attain the next few. I just don't know. I need to somehow. Talk about climbing a ladder, it's the perfect analogy.
I also feel like it's peeling away the layers of an onion. You get rid of one set of worries just to find a whole new set of them underneath. It feels like it will never end sometimes. To get to a place where I feel secure and satisfied and safe and happy, it seems an elusive goal. Safe and secure I suppose meaning referring to my emotions, and not having to be afraid of the huge emotional upsets and lows I have, and just being afraid of how my functionality level will be and my ability to deal with the world, etc.
When I was living in South Portland, my first living solo experience after college and the only one pre-acute MCS, I really did have it all. Just about. I had a job, independence, transportation, got to wander my favorite city all the time, whenever I wanted to, had money, got to do things I enjoyed, had a good living situation, didnt have MCS. It should have been everything I ever wanted, but again, I was miserable a lot of the time. I remember sitting on the couch crying my eyes out and not being able to figure out why.
I call that the South Portland effect now because it is so obvious what happened. I finally had the time and emotional energy free from survival needs (of a different kind, then) to think about what I *didn't* have in my life. And, althougj my life was a lot fuller than it is now, Ididn't have many friends, hardly any; I didn't have any of my social needs met. And I didn't really have any meaningful activity or purpose other than shops, sweets and music. It made me happy but was a transitory kind of happiness. So I focused on that. It might have been thefirst time in mt life where I ever felt clearly that, well, my life had no purpose. And that realization hurt.
When I got (severe) MCS after that, I was again thrown into pure survival mode for a long time. I had no time to think about silly things like social issues or anything else.
Okay so the computer shut down in the middle of writing this. I have no idea how much if any I lost and am getting really tired and cant focus much longer. So. I'm going to write the conclusions that I came up with when I was standing at the counter eating half a box of rice crackers while I tried to calm my nerves and wait fo the computer to come back on.
Conclusions if I can remember them: 1. You can;t be happy without self actualization. And. I thought back to all the times in my life when I have been the happiest and they have all been times when I had some degree of independence. My happiest most joyous moments of life, strangely enough , have been walking back from the Towson grocery store in college, a bag in each hand, walkman on, smoothie in one hand, singing, on top of the world because I was being independent and getting groceries and it just felt so good . Same thing in South Portland. Walking back from the grocery store even in the bitter cold winter with a reduced ability to carry things....felt really good.
We won't even go into how much I loved that Hannaford and spent hours in there because I could, how much I loved grocery shopping and being ablr to buy things for myself. At least I have Whole Foods, right? I love Whole Foods...my last measure of independence in food shopping.
Anyway. So. Back to topic at hand. The lack of expected happiness is probably due to lack of purpose; because even when you spend 2 yrs focused on survival, you have purpose then. Your purpose is to survive and as such you feel damn good when you do. And sometimes that's all you need. Not that I like crisis , again, but.
The lack of purpose is, well, brings all kinds of other problems.
So that brings me to my next question and what the real reason in writing this was.
When to go to Bend. And which situation will be better? And should I go in one week week, or in 4? Those are my two choices and I can't decide and need to soon.
I think that boils down to one thing, and it's simple but complicated.
In most ways Bend sounds like it is the more ideal situation for me because it does have that potential for independence, and since I have identified that that is what makes me happiest, by all means that is what I should be going for. And with a Whole Foods a mile away, as long as the path to get there is okay, I can see myself enjoying going there, picking up a thing or two,walking back and feeling good. And then hopefully bus if tolerated or some other method of getting into town. Maybe Amber, the Aspie I met. And I am hoping the weather will make me happier and I will be able to take more walks, but of course that is a huge wild card, but hopefully. I know I do not do well with humidity or with rain, both drive me crazy as I can't go outside. So that's 2 huge reasons for Bend; likely will have far less of both of those things.
But quite simply the only reason that this isn't an easy decision, and I love easy decisions, is Kit. How can I leave behind the only person in my life who has ever understood, respected, cared for me to the degree in which she has? How can I leave behind someone who I admire so much, who I have such a connection with? I have spent my entire life trying to find a person like her and have a connection such as we have been having. How can I leave such a good thing behind? I feel like I have much to learn socially and emotionally and just by observing her and talking to her about everyday things I feel I am learning so much. Am I stunting my possible social growth by leaving? Am I foolishly leaving behind a once in a lifetime thing?
But on the other hand, your life can't resolve around a single person. That's not fair to either you or the other person, I don't think. It's too much pressure to put on a person. And it's not a stable way to live. Your enjoyment and satisfaction from life should come from you and your experiencces, not a person, right? But on the other hand isnt that the basis of why people have relationships - intimate relationships - not that this IS by any means such a thing - but people base their happiness on their partners. But, they also have lives and other things that make them happy. Maybe that's the difference. But, what if I find that the social contact I get from this relationship beats whatever form of happiness I can find elsewhere? I don't think it will though. It makes me calmer, certainly, and I love it, but true happiness has to come from doing things, from lifestyles with .... something in them, I suppose.
So it comes down to: the only truly good social relationship I have ever had in my life, or independence and good weather? Hahaha. I dunno.
Another factor is: I don't like to think this but I am afraid something in the house is making me worse. I always had trouble with the bedroom of course but I just feel more brain foggy in weird in here. This may not be true and it may not be the house at all. Or it may be I'll feel the same anywhere indoors. But it's driving me crazy, the worry of it and the experience of it. And I think it is responsible for the extreme morning brain fog I sometimes get; I'm always bad in mornings but never have I ever been THIS bad. And that is so scary each time and makes me panic each time and I am really kind of getting worn down by it. I mean it's tolerable and mild overall in comparison with what I've dealt with in the past, but it's maybe another reason to leave on the earlier date? I don't know.
Maybe it's better not to have the extra time of waiting and wondering what Bend will be like.
Maybe I should just be thankful I had a great time, had a great relational experience, saw some amazing things, and move on.
But try as I might, I don't want to leave Kit, and I am naturally afraid of new situations.
Also add to it: This is the first time in my life I think that I havent moved somewhere out of necessity or out of crisis. Every other time, the situation I left was so bad, that I was extremely motivated to go to and do well in the new situation. That adrenaline and motivation helped a LOT. In this situation having a choice unfortunately makes me less likely I am afraid to be able to adapt to the new situation as well or as quickly because I don't have that adrenaline of there being no choice.
I still think maybe the adrenaline will kick in actually when I get there and want to make it work, but it won't be as much as usual maybe, or at least it's certainly not present now.
When it comes down to it, I'm not using to havign to make choices. Usually every decision of any kind in my life is made out of necessity. So I don't do too well it seems with a choice between 2 viable options!
I think that's about as far as I am going to get with this tonight. At least I have identified , for the most part, the source of my unhappiness or lack of joy, and thought more on the Bend dilemma.
I wouldn't be ready to go by next week, but part of me doesn't want to wait three weeks, or a month from yesterday. That's kind of what I am thinking. I don't know. I kind of feel like I could do it without too much problem a week from this weekend but that three might be stretching it. I don't know. Not that this place is intolerable by any means! And if I didnt have a choice to think of I'd probably be a lot more satisfied. It's just the wanting to know what else is out there, the wondering if the othet thing would be better, it makes me restless and impatient to find out. And I have too much time on my hands to think about it is the thing.
Another perfect example of how some level of challenge or accomplishment or purpose is what brings joy into my life: in college I would listen to the Hot 9 at 9 onthe radio every night on WAYZ (how I miss it) in the same place, on the steps in the library, at 9:00pm. If I was working on a paper before hand (I'd almosrt always stop to listen to it and take a breaK) then the songs would make me really happy and I'd get excited and feel good. If I was just wandering around and notdoing much thesongs wouldn't excite me nearly as much. Again: having work of some sort to do makes a person feel better about themselves and their life.
Do most people think this deeply about things? Argh.
Okay. Enough for now. Bed soon.
Happiness. I want to define different levels of happiness. I want to try to figure out if I am happy or not by doing this. It is a hard thing to figure out.
When I was in college, happiness was such an intense thing. I was both ecstatic and very depressed many times throughout the same day. I swung back and forth all day long, all week long, etc etc. Happiness was a visceral thing for me. When I was happy, usually because of a song on the radio, I felt it intensely, in every corner of my body. My mind would open up, my body would feel free, I felt a burning sense of joy, I felt light, I felt powerful. I felt like dancing, and laughing, and I did. My joy consumed all parts of my body. I felt on top of the world. I felt connected to the world, to some kind of, dare I say it, higher power? I don't believe in God or really any kind of spirituality, but maybe this kind of joy was like something spiritual. I don't know.
My lows were equal to the highs, usually when I'd get depressed after comparing myself to others and sob for a while and feel as if the world had ended.
Until another good song came on the radio and I was in ecstacy again, until I thought I made a gaffe in a conversation with someone and I was plunged back into depression, until I had a smoothie and I was on top of the world, until I observed three girls laughing and wished I could be like them and was in despair again, until......Well, you get the picture.
It sounds exhausting just thinking about it, actually, but it seemed so normal then. And the lows were usually worth it for the highs - well, not that I had much time to think of it. There was no middle ground. When I was happy I was happy, when I was sad, I wasn't. I did actually not like the yo-yoing so much but it just was. And the highs at least did compensate nicely for the lows.
Anyway, moving on. My next point of reference is after college, before the MCS got bad. I remember thinking, well, my highs aren't as intense, I don't feel as incredibly joyous when something good happens, but my lows aren't nearly as low, and my highs are still pretty good, so overall I've mellowed out but am still able to enjoy myself, so all is good.
When I was living in South Portland, the highs got a little higher and the lows a little lower but not too much different - the result of more stimulation, I suppose, more of a life - I was able to be independent and do stuff on my own which made me feel great but still had some problems.
After MCS, though...... Well. I should not spend too much time dwelling on what happened as it is very depressing. But all I know, is. After that third apartment, my whole life changed, and I lost half my functionality in an instant - literally one day. I went to bed feeling one way and woke up feeling broken. The brain fog that I had never experienced before, the feeling very, very, VERY VERY far away from everything, almost like looking at it through a 50 feet tunnel - that was the most terrifying experience I have ever had, that first day of it I mean. Not that it's not still scary but the first time was obviously the worst, and most severe, too. I think the scariest most traumatic thing I have ever experienced was walking up Congress St the day after I woke up in that apartment and feeling like I couldn't even think straight enough or function well enough to even walk, to do anything, just "what's happening to me??" and then to be all alone when experiencing it, was just awful.
It had been humid for months before that so I had expected during the summer to lose my ability to enjoy anything much.
Always happened. Didn't like it but dealt with it. Most of my joy comes from listening to music and singing to bit and experiencing it at a very deep level. In the summer with the humidity, I can hardly breathe, and certainly can't sing or experience anything other than discomfort - but again - expected. What was NOT expected, when the humidity FINALLY started to break, I think it was mid to late September - I think I had a week in between where I was feeling okay again, feeling like myself again, able to connect with that feeling of joy when listening to music in the right circumstances, so I did have it back - but after the apartment, and after the initial shock of the intense brain fog had passed and I got a little more functional and was able to figure out how to navigate the world in my more impaired state - the ability to enjoy things and to enjoy the music was lost again. I was pissed about that. I was PISSED. I had waited all summer to be able to enjoy music, or anything, and to get it for a few days and then lose it to some terrifying, nameless thing - I was pissed.
But as the months passed I got used to it. You get used to it almost anything, right? Given enough time.
I wasn't able to really sing to songs again after this, not like I did before. It hurts to say that and think about it but I did get used to it more or less. When faced with a crisis, you can't focus on what you've lost; you've got to focus on what you still have or you won't get through it. Survival was more important than being happy. So, I found I could still get some enjoyment out of listening to songs and connecting to them that way. And maybe singing a verse or two every once in a while. Wasn't like it was before but it was still fun, right. It was still fun. It still made me happy.
It is hard to explain what happens when I try to do this. I don't have the breath to do it, for one, where I always did before - I'd dance around singing every single word, every single line exactly in time with the song - for four or 5 songs in a row if they were good ones. It was exhilarating. But I became lucky to get out a couple lines. Also, there is a pressure on my head when I try to do it. It is hard to explain. But it's like either emotionally, cognitively, or from a sensory perspective or SOMETHING, the act of singing and connecting to the music is a complete overwhelm and makes my head feel like it is going to burst. So obviously I don't do it. Who wants that feeloing? But I don't know why.
I was still able to dance a little when the mood struck and sing maybe half a song at times, once in a great while a whole song, and then the dog shampoo incident occurred at my dad's house. After that I couldn't , my body felt very out of sync, hard to move around, unbalanced, I couldn't dance, I couldn't sing half as much as I could before, which still wasn't much then.
Again, I adjusted. Listen to it and get the joy that way.
I am trying to think if I was ever really happy in....well there were some times in Missoula, yes. Where I was able to connect to the joy. One particular moment I remember at Bernice's where I hadn't been to town in several days and got there and got to Bernice's and to "my" picnic table, sun was shining, sat on it, felt so good, put on the radio and an amazing song was on..... and I was able to sing the entire song. And felt it, and felt really good. And maybe even another song - Ican't remember. But a lot more than usual. I couldn't figure out why I was able to do it then, and never again or before. But I still had it in Missoula, the ability for joy.
Did I in Liberty? I was probably too caught up in survival. But I think I did, I remember a few good songs coming on that made me happy, yeah I did.
Did I in Maine? Not as much, it is hard to remember. Again, more survival. Took walks every day but hard to enjoy them. I
don't remembner. So dependent on circumstances. Didnt have that much time in portland alone where it might happen. i thnk i did those times though. probably I did .
So that brings us to the present. it frustrates me . My experience of joy has changed, I feel. All of my emotions feel deadened. I do not feel like I feel joy as intensely as before. That worries me. I do not think my worries have been as intense either, which is good, but not at the price of not feeling joy!!
When good things happen I feel too often like they are happening from far away. I feel like I don't FEEL them. I have to tell myself to be happy about them. I tell myself, this is a beautiful town and you have a great roommate and yada yada , so you should be happy.
And in one way, I am. I do enjoy the conversations I have with my roommate. I know I do feel emotionally fulfilled and intellectually stimulated to a degree - but it's just the degree is a quarter of what I would have felt before. I am pretty sure of that. Don't get me wrong, they're better conversations than I've ever had in my life, and I love them, it's just I'm paying attention to how I'm feeling on a more ... subtle, nuanced level and I'm feeling like I should be feeling more. About that and about Newport.
I do get satisfaction out of walking around Newport, and I do enjoy seeing the boats and the town and ice cream and so on, but I don't feel joy. I do get a sense of achievement out of figuring out directions and how to get places, though. Thats more of an accomplishment related thing, so it makes sense.
I define joy I guess as a somewhat visceral, all consuming feeling. It makes you feel light and wonderful and connected to the world. And until recently I think I still felt it in the right situations.
And maybe my standards are too high and maybe I was just lucky before, maybe most people don't feel this way, but I have felt that way all my life, alongside the crippling anxiety and depression, and took it for granted to some degree. That was what happiness meant to me, as true as the sky is blue and water is wet. My feeling of connection that comes only in certain circumstances but comes pretty often - that is what I have lived for all my life. That is what I look forward to.
So that is why it feels so wrong not to experience it.
It is all very well to enjoy something I suppose, but why I can't I feel this feeling of joy? Should I be worried?
What does happiness mean, what does enjoyment mean, etc? Probably I shouldnt work so hard to label it but like I said the feeling that it is lacking when it has no reason to be is what is worrying me.
It is what is creating the massive feeling of cognitive dissonance in my head. The one that is saying, you have everything you have ever wanted pretty much in your life, you have a great relationship with someone and all the social contact and input you had always wanted, and a stunningly beautiful town to live in, and it's all MCS safe which is all you really wanted anyway. So why no joy? I should be happy - I can't even tell if I'm happy or not. I don't think happy feels this way. But maybe it does to other people? Is this just a dumbed down version of happy?
I know I am glad to be here. I know I like Newport and I like my roommate. Maybe I am stressed out by the other things though. Getting used to sharing space w someone and all the other minor changes that are not bad per se but just a big adjustment.
In reality I still have a lot left to worry about and desire. It would theoeretically be nice to have things like transportation into a town whenever I wanted it, friends, a social life, a purpose in life , such as a job or hobbies or something.... not to have MCS... and so on. I realize my life is far from perfect. But I have conditioned myself not to want those things and not to even notice they're not there most of the time, except in the background. So they shouldn't play a role into whether or not I am happy, I feel. I think.
I feel like I should be happy with just the survival issues I have worked so long to achieve: a chemically and emotionally safe place to live.
But it seems that humans need more than that, huh?
Not to survive, but to be happy, I guess.
Adrenaline....It seems I almost do better when I'm in crisis situations to some degree because then the adrenaline takes over and I don't have to think about the small things because I'm so engrossed in survival. Don't have to think about anything but the big issues at hand and getting through the moment and can then be proud of myself for it.
But that's not a healthy way to live by far. I don't want crises by any stretch of the imagination. They wear me out. Two years of constant crises has worn me out and they get harder every time.
But it seems w/ all the survival needs removed I am focusing too much on the other worries that have been shelved for two years. It was easy not to think of petty thngs when you have survival needs. But now I'm left to have the time and brainspace to think of the trauma of what MCS has done to me, of my social issues, of my future, and most of all my lack of anything meaningful to do with my time - that is the hardest one of all. How can you be satisfied without anything to do? I should be grateful for survival and safety, and I AM, believe me, I am. That is really the most important thing of all. Nothing matters besides that.
But it is hard to actually be happy without anything to do.
So all those people who say I must be so happy, that I have finally found my place, that I am the happiest I've ever been in my life.... they're wrong. I am the safest chemically and emotionally in terms of the people surrounding me that I have been in my life, and those things are good, but they don't equal happiness. They equal survival. I think. Do I have this right?
In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs of course Survival needs come before psychological and self actualization needs. I think a person needs them all to be happy. Which is a shame!!!! Because the first couple levels were damn hard enough to attain! I don't know how I'm going to attain the next few. I just don't know. I need to somehow. Talk about climbing a ladder, it's the perfect analogy.
I also feel like it's peeling away the layers of an onion. You get rid of one set of worries just to find a whole new set of them underneath. It feels like it will never end sometimes. To get to a place where I feel secure and satisfied and safe and happy, it seems an elusive goal. Safe and secure I suppose meaning referring to my emotions, and not having to be afraid of the huge emotional upsets and lows I have, and just being afraid of how my functionality level will be and my ability to deal with the world, etc.
When I was living in South Portland, my first living solo experience after college and the only one pre-acute MCS, I really did have it all. Just about. I had a job, independence, transportation, got to wander my favorite city all the time, whenever I wanted to, had money, got to do things I enjoyed, had a good living situation, didnt have MCS. It should have been everything I ever wanted, but again, I was miserable a lot of the time. I remember sitting on the couch crying my eyes out and not being able to figure out why.
I call that the South Portland effect now because it is so obvious what happened. I finally had the time and emotional energy free from survival needs (of a different kind, then) to think about what I *didn't* have in my life. And, althougj my life was a lot fuller than it is now, Ididn't have many friends, hardly any; I didn't have any of my social needs met. And I didn't really have any meaningful activity or purpose other than shops, sweets and music. It made me happy but was a transitory kind of happiness. So I focused on that. It might have been thefirst time in mt life where I ever felt clearly that, well, my life had no purpose. And that realization hurt.
When I got (severe) MCS after that, I was again thrown into pure survival mode for a long time. I had no time to think about silly things like social issues or anything else.
Okay so the computer shut down in the middle of writing this. I have no idea how much if any I lost and am getting really tired and cant focus much longer. So. I'm going to write the conclusions that I came up with when I was standing at the counter eating half a box of rice crackers while I tried to calm my nerves and wait fo the computer to come back on.
Conclusions if I can remember them: 1. You can;t be happy without self actualization. And. I thought back to all the times in my life when I have been the happiest and they have all been times when I had some degree of independence. My happiest most joyous moments of life, strangely enough , have been walking back from the Towson grocery store in college, a bag in each hand, walkman on, smoothie in one hand, singing, on top of the world because I was being independent and getting groceries and it just felt so good . Same thing in South Portland. Walking back from the grocery store even in the bitter cold winter with a reduced ability to carry things....felt really good.
We won't even go into how much I loved that Hannaford and spent hours in there because I could, how much I loved grocery shopping and being ablr to buy things for myself. At least I have Whole Foods, right? I love Whole Foods...my last measure of independence in food shopping.
Anyway. So. Back to topic at hand. The lack of expected happiness is probably due to lack of purpose; because even when you spend 2 yrs focused on survival, you have purpose then. Your purpose is to survive and as such you feel damn good when you do. And sometimes that's all you need. Not that I like crisis , again, but.
The lack of purpose is, well, brings all kinds of other problems.
So that brings me to my next question and what the real reason in writing this was.
When to go to Bend. And which situation will be better? And should I go in one week week, or in 4? Those are my two choices and I can't decide and need to soon.
I think that boils down to one thing, and it's simple but complicated.
In most ways Bend sounds like it is the more ideal situation for me because it does have that potential for independence, and since I have identified that that is what makes me happiest, by all means that is what I should be going for. And with a Whole Foods a mile away, as long as the path to get there is okay, I can see myself enjoying going there, picking up a thing or two,walking back and feeling good. And then hopefully bus if tolerated or some other method of getting into town. Maybe Amber, the Aspie I met. And I am hoping the weather will make me happier and I will be able to take more walks, but of course that is a huge wild card, but hopefully. I know I do not do well with humidity or with rain, both drive me crazy as I can't go outside. So that's 2 huge reasons for Bend; likely will have far less of both of those things.
But quite simply the only reason that this isn't an easy decision, and I love easy decisions, is Kit. How can I leave behind the only person in my life who has ever understood, respected, cared for me to the degree in which she has? How can I leave behind someone who I admire so much, who I have such a connection with? I have spent my entire life trying to find a person like her and have a connection such as we have been having. How can I leave such a good thing behind? I feel like I have much to learn socially and emotionally and just by observing her and talking to her about everyday things I feel I am learning so much. Am I stunting my possible social growth by leaving? Am I foolishly leaving behind a once in a lifetime thing?
But on the other hand, your life can't resolve around a single person. That's not fair to either you or the other person, I don't think. It's too much pressure to put on a person. And it's not a stable way to live. Your enjoyment and satisfaction from life should come from you and your experiencces, not a person, right? But on the other hand isnt that the basis of why people have relationships - intimate relationships - not that this IS by any means such a thing - but people base their happiness on their partners. But, they also have lives and other things that make them happy. Maybe that's the difference. But, what if I find that the social contact I get from this relationship beats whatever form of happiness I can find elsewhere? I don't think it will though. It makes me calmer, certainly, and I love it, but true happiness has to come from doing things, from lifestyles with .... something in them, I suppose.
So it comes down to: the only truly good social relationship I have ever had in my life, or independence and good weather? Hahaha. I dunno.
Another factor is: I don't like to think this but I am afraid something in the house is making me worse. I always had trouble with the bedroom of course but I just feel more brain foggy in weird in here. This may not be true and it may not be the house at all. Or it may be I'll feel the same anywhere indoors. But it's driving me crazy, the worry of it and the experience of it. And I think it is responsible for the extreme morning brain fog I sometimes get; I'm always bad in mornings but never have I ever been THIS bad. And that is so scary each time and makes me panic each time and I am really kind of getting worn down by it. I mean it's tolerable and mild overall in comparison with what I've dealt with in the past, but it's maybe another reason to leave on the earlier date? I don't know.
Maybe it's better not to have the extra time of waiting and wondering what Bend will be like.
Maybe I should just be thankful I had a great time, had a great relational experience, saw some amazing things, and move on.
But try as I might, I don't want to leave Kit, and I am naturally afraid of new situations.
Also add to it: This is the first time in my life I think that I havent moved somewhere out of necessity or out of crisis. Every other time, the situation I left was so bad, that I was extremely motivated to go to and do well in the new situation. That adrenaline and motivation helped a LOT. In this situation having a choice unfortunately makes me less likely I am afraid to be able to adapt to the new situation as well or as quickly because I don't have that adrenaline of there being no choice.
I still think maybe the adrenaline will kick in actually when I get there and want to make it work, but it won't be as much as usual maybe, or at least it's certainly not present now.
When it comes down to it, I'm not using to havign to make choices. Usually every decision of any kind in my life is made out of necessity. So I don't do too well it seems with a choice between 2 viable options!
I think that's about as far as I am going to get with this tonight. At least I have identified , for the most part, the source of my unhappiness or lack of joy, and thought more on the Bend dilemma.
I wouldn't be ready to go by next week, but part of me doesn't want to wait three weeks, or a month from yesterday. That's kind of what I am thinking. I don't know. I kind of feel like I could do it without too much problem a week from this weekend but that three might be stretching it. I don't know. Not that this place is intolerable by any means! And if I didnt have a choice to think of I'd probably be a lot more satisfied. It's just the wanting to know what else is out there, the wondering if the othet thing would be better, it makes me restless and impatient to find out. And I have too much time on my hands to think about it is the thing.
Another perfect example of how some level of challenge or accomplishment or purpose is what brings joy into my life: in college I would listen to the Hot 9 at 9 onthe radio every night on WAYZ (how I miss it) in the same place, on the steps in the library, at 9:00pm. If I was working on a paper before hand (I'd almosrt always stop to listen to it and take a breaK) then the songs would make me really happy and I'd get excited and feel good. If I was just wandering around and notdoing much thesongs wouldn't excite me nearly as much. Again: having work of some sort to do makes a person feel better about themselves and their life.
Do most people think this deeply about things? Argh.
Okay. Enough for now. Bed soon.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
When Mothers Come to Town
I hate when my mood changes so much. I felt good when I got home from my day out with my mom. So good in fact I even attempted to wash my clothes which, long story, has been a MAJOR STICKING POINT that my life revolves around and is a major problem. Long story. But I did, for the first time in way too long, attempt to wash my clothes. And it wasn't nearly as hard as last time, and I got it done. And I felt a sense of satisfaction. And then I came in the living room. And crashed.
Booom CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH ding ding falls to floor
I do not like it when my brain takes leave of me that fast.
Crashed emotionally and cognitively....not physically.
And binged on cookies which is bad because I need to be eating healthy so I can have a stomach that you know actually works?
But not half as many cookies as last time, and healthier ones, so that's an improvement, right?
By the way, my mom totally agrees with me that health food store cookies suck. lol. It's good to have some agreement with people.
Ya know I love RM and all, I really do, and I love talkign to her, being around her, but when it gets to a certain point, say 11:00 at night, I wish she would go to bed so I could have my space to think and relax , and have the radio on low so I can think. Just saying . And I know she feels the same way about mornings to herself so it's not bad to say I don't think.
But. I need to write about today. I want to.
I keep turning the heater on and off thinking maybe the noise will make me able to think more. Usually it's the opposite way but.
So, we got into town at about noon. I went to the farmer's market quickly. They had no tie dye. Oh well. The brisk walk and the song 'Soldier Boy' on the radio woke me up. I met my mom about twenty minutes later at Oceana as I was getting a chocolate chip cookie. She hugged me and said "Look at you" and seemed happy to see me. Which was nice. She seemed to be happy to be there. We went to the back to meet RM and my mom said "Thank you" to her, "for all you've done," I guess giving me a place to live, and RM said it was nothing, and my mom said "she sounds so happy." More emotion than I'm used to seeing from her, but I like it. I like the new more emotional side of her. I can actually tell what she's thinking then.
They chatted for a couple minutes. My mom paid for my groceries which was nice. I got some soup, toothpaste, that was about all, some water.
We went back to the farmer's market so my mom could see it. She really liked the crafts and jewerly. I had a sudden vision of just how many crafts and jewerly there are in this town and was afraid we'd never get anywhere because she'd be looking at it all. Luckily she only looked at a few places, and bought a beautiful red necklace that went perfectly with her red shirt and coat.
Then we headed from Oceana down to the bayfront. Came out by coffee shop. Showed her all the boats in the harbor. Made our way down the street. More people than usual cus it was a Saturday. I asked if she wanted some salmon on a stick, but she declined. Ha. She stopped in a few artsy places along the way and I waited outside, she was pretty good about not taking too long. I was a little impatient because I was afraid it was going to start raining before we got anywhere. It was on the verge of raining all day but never did. It was misting for most of it so you kind of got wet without being rained on, but that was tolerable. It was warm enough that it was okay. So we finally got to the end of the street and turned up the street to go to the state park. I hate that hill going up there. Saw the beautiful view along the way, which I have to say wasn't nearly as stunning in clouds and fog and light drizzle, but still nice. We sat at the bench when we got there for a bit and talked. About the difference between "beach" and ocean" lol one refers to sand I suppose and the other to water. I was using them interchangeably. We then went down to the beach itself . There were several other people there despite the weather. When we finally got past the sand duney part and were on level ground and walking in the right direction into the wind, it was actually quite pleasant. Nice to walk in, beautiful to see, and easy to have conversation in. So we walked for a good while and talked and then we were nervous about going back because we'd be going against the wind and the mist and wind was blowing water into our faces, a sensation I hate.
I remembered that there was that cookie shop I liked somewhere in that general area when you went up the stairs. That's where I was when I got lost the first time. So I told her about the cookie shop, and let's just say she took a bit of convincing. "Katie," she said to me, "you're trying to tell me there's a cookie shop at the top of those stairs?" but she said it in that really funny voice I love she uses when she's trying to make a joke. Anyway, she was soon convinced by the increasingly unpleasant weather conditions on the beach to go up the stairs and walk back on the road rather than on the beach. "Okay, Hotshot," she said, "Find the cookie shop," when we were at the top. So we walked a bit till we came to Georgie's where I remembered it being near. Also I realized we were on Elizabeth Street which is what RM said you took to get to Nye Beach, but I hadn't had any idea where it was, I never pay attention to street names anyway. So I realized we could get to Nye Beach that way, but then I was conflicted because I was way too tired to go to Nye Beach and wanted to go back to the van. But walking back by way of the bay front would have taken almost half an hour and quite a ways. I finally realized it was ten minutes to Nye Beach and ten minutes from Nye Beach to the van so that would be the quicker way. Mom went into Georgie's to make sure E. Street would indeed take us to Nye Beach and also to ask where the cookie shop, Dutch Brothers', a coffee shop actually, was. It turned it out it was like two blocks away so we found it and Mom bought me some cookies, three, actually. Which I had too many of earlier. Gotta stay away from that stuff, lol, I dunno.
Anyway so then we started walking to Nye Beach. We were pretty tired and it was kind of rainy so I was looking forward to getting there. We finally did and found a bench by a resteraunt at the bottom of Nye Beach that I was very thankful for. We sat on it for a while to get our energy back and exchanged horrible flight stories. She got stuck I think in two different cities trying to get back from San Francisco, and my luggage got stuck in two different cities, lol. And we had the cookies, which were a bit on the sugared up side, but better than the health food store cookies.
Haha. Anyway so then all we had to do was walk all the way up the street we were on to get back to Oceana to the van. And I managed to convince her to stop to get some expresso ice cream along the way. We shared it, even though she had three times before we got there that she didn't want any ice cream and she wouldn't have any. I think she liked it. :) She said it was very good. It is. Their homemade stuff is out of this world.
Then it was a few blocks over back to Oceana. I almost had an Oops moment when I realized that RM was going to take the car back to where we just came from at 4 and it might not be there when we got there, but fortunately, it was only 3:30 so we still had time. And it worked out well because RM it gave me a ride to Cafe Mundo where she was going too, and Mom took her car. RM was meeting someone for dinner at 4 at same place.
The best part was when my mom saw what Cafe Mundo looked like though lol. I had only seen it myself for the first time on Thursday. It truly cannot be described in words, so that means I'll have to take my camera sometime. Haha. I will try though. Well, RM said to me before I saw it, "It's kind of artsy and hippie, I don't know if your mom will like it," and I was thinking, how can an outdoor seating area of a cafe be artsy and hippie? Well, it definitely was, beyond belief.
I can't find a picture by Googling it. Oh well.
At the center is a large, gnarled tree. It's a large courtyard, larger than it looks from the (fenced in) outside. Inside is a VERY eclectic mix of objects, art, a woodstove, paintings, and the occasional table and chair. At the center is a marble table and chairs with a canopy of sorts over it. To one side is a stage for performances. At the other side is another canopy with two tables, one made out of wood I believe, with a bench and marble or was it wood? rocks for chairs. And some green plastic chairs. I mentioned the wood stove in the front with an assortment of lawn chairs and plastic chairs. There are many haphazard decorations, such as a set of stairs that lead to nowhere, and things made out of clay. It is like stepping into some kind of magical fairy tale land, an enchanted forest of sorts, and you get to sit there and have dinner. There is a peace sign that says Peace Is Political.
It will make your mouth drop open - it certainly did mine. I never in my life ever saw or imagined a place like that.
Anyway, so the most fun part was my mom's reaction to Cafe Mundo. I hope I can remember exactly what she said. Her mouth definitely dropped open. She said something like "This is unbelievable, this is like - no, it's like..." and she didn't quite know how to describe it but kept staring around in awe, and told RM that she had described it exactly right.
And all throughout dinner, she kept saying how amazing it was, and she's not one given to emoting as I said, so yeah, I think she liked it. :)
Since we got there early, there wasn't much of a wait. We were the very first people to come.
I got a chicken ceaser and Mom got some kind of shrimp dish. It was quite good. I also decided to get some albacore tuna halfway through because I wanted some fish as well. I was too full to eat it at the time but it made a delicious snack later.
She then said something like "This is perfect. It was a perfect day, everythign about it was perfect. I loved it. Thank you for planning it so well, I appreciate it." I wanted to try to remember the words she said exactly because, well, it's awfully nice when a parent actually tells you you did something right :) but I might not have gottne them exactly right. But it was good to hear. Although, I'm not sure exactly why she was thanking me, she's the one who drove 2 hours to get here from Eugene and paid for dinner and food all day.
So we chatted a bit and she told me how nervous she was about getting the job. I do hope she gets it, because she wants it so much, for one, and for two, I think it might actually be fun having her nearby - either 2 or 2.5 hrs depending on what city I end up in - assuming her car is okay, which I really hope to hell it is, then we could meet and go hiking together, and would probably really enjoy that. But, not going to get my or her hopes up.
She left a little after 5 because she had to drive back to Eugene and had an early, 6am flight the next day. So all in all much better than expected even with the drizzly, but thankfully not raining, weather.
Two things in particular stand out: One, that I was able to share something positive and joyous with someone close to me, my mom, for one of the first times in my life; my life has really been, well, more than its fair share of problems up until now and I've seldom had anything I could be really proud of, hate to say it. College, I guess, but that was a long time ago. Anyway so this town is something I can be proud of. And it was nice to share it with someone I love. Much better than sharing anguish. lol. So over that - I hope.
Second, it for once gave my mom a chance to see that I could have a somewhat happy and satisfied life even despite MCS and being so limited in what I could do. I might not be able to go
into any or most stores, but hey, there are oceans to be explored, beaches to walk on, sights to see, stores to look at from the outside, health food stores to explore, music to listen to..... Towns are fun to walk around and look at even just from the outside. Sure, I'd rather be inside, but I'm going to make the most out of it just walking around and looking from the outside.
I think I seemed a little more confident of myself, a little happier, a little peppier. And I am glad that she could see for herself that was happiness was possible even despite severe limitations. Also, she could see that RM could have a, to use the cliches, "happy and productive" life even despite having the same limitations, and I have to believe that made an impression on her. If she isn't as worried about me then she will hopefully relax and we will have better conversations. When she is stressed out worrying about me it comes across pretty much like she's angry at me, even if she doesn't intend it, and she doesn't say much and the conversation gets pretty strained. So, I hope this will help that.
Too bad my dad and stepmom couldn't see what a beautiful town it is, but maybe someday, and we do need a little space from each other right now. It had been about seven months since I'd seen my mom, though. I do hope to see my brother some time, at some point, it's been I think two years since I've seen him. He needs to hop a flight from San Fran to here or drive, it's about 10 hrs....I think anyway lol.
Okay, good, I was able to write about all that.
There is so much to worry about and I am trying not to worry about it. I did do good tonight and when my mood plummeted when we got home , not immediartely but an hour or so after, I said to myself and even wrote down, "This is just a mood. It is only temporary. It will go away and I will feel better and functional again. I will be patient and wait for it go away." over and over. To remind myself not to panic and wait for it to pass. So maybe I'm doing better with the whole mood regulation thing but it still drives me crazy.
RM and I both were tired and zonked out tonight.
Tomorrow is another day, though.
She just went to bed. She didn't say goodnight though. She probably didn't want to bother me, but I like it when people say good night. It has a nice feeling of closure to the day. It's a final connection to sustain you through the night. Would it be stupid to ask her to say goodnight? I would have said it first except by the time I realized she was downstairs she was already gone.
We are both in an open area where a goodnight could be heard no matter where she is so it's not a matter of being in a different room./
12:47. Well that killed an hour or two. Should go to bed by 2 or 3 I suppose.
Damn countdowns on Sunday morning instead of evening so I can't listen.
I am thinking of Bend vs here. and when to go . still. It all comes down to this I guess, I am afraid sometimes, ok most of the time, that something in the house is making me react/sick as I feel pretty icky when I walk into the living room area (which is most of house due to open plan). I get used to it and can tolerate it most of the time....it usually works out ok....but it still scares me.
Get foggy and lately a couple times I have even had trouble physically speaking which is a really scary thing. It doesn't last long, but still. It doesn't seem right.
But I can't tell if my doubts are valid or not, if it'd be like this or some similar problem anywhere, if it's worth making a fuss over.
On the other hand, I love RM so much I feel if I stick around for another month there are so many lessons about social relationships and emotions and friendships and communications that I can learn, that I need to learn, that I want to learn. And maybe hopefully master the washing your clothes thing. I dunno. I feel like it would be a crime to leave her now.
And of course there is the humidity but not as bad last 2-3 days and tolerable so far.
My mom thinks I should give Bend a try but make sure to try to leave this option open unless I want to come back, if I do. I don't know if that will work with RM and her getting or not getting other roommates but I shall certainly try and we shall see.
I think I am becoming rather paranoid about mold which is not a good thing.
I do not like that it will be rainy all week this week . Cold , miserable, and not sure if we have enough wood to make fires to heat the house.
I want to write more but enough for now. It is important to me to write down every detail so I remember . I write about the good things as if my life depended on it, sometimes it feels , becaise I have this feeling in me "What if I am never able to have good moments again" what if it all falls apart etc what if this is the last one? all kinds of disaster, crisis, maladaptive thinking. So I cherish and treasure every moment, or try very hard to, to take me through the blach abyss that so oftten comes in between good moments. I want to havbe it to look back on.
I just did word count on this , 3329 words. If I could only focus that much to do the same for the ebook Im supposed to be writing I would have made $40. Man I hope I can focus on that soon. I need to make money. Ha.
Ok...Night
Kate
Booom CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH ding ding falls to floor
I do not like it when my brain takes leave of me that fast.
Crashed emotionally and cognitively....not physically.
And binged on cookies which is bad because I need to be eating healthy so I can have a stomach that you know actually works?
But not half as many cookies as last time, and healthier ones, so that's an improvement, right?
By the way, my mom totally agrees with me that health food store cookies suck. lol. It's good to have some agreement with people.
Ya know I love RM and all, I really do, and I love talkign to her, being around her, but when it gets to a certain point, say 11:00 at night, I wish she would go to bed so I could have my space to think and relax , and have the radio on low so I can think. Just saying . And I know she feels the same way about mornings to herself so it's not bad to say I don't think.
But. I need to write about today. I want to.
I keep turning the heater on and off thinking maybe the noise will make me able to think more. Usually it's the opposite way but.
So, we got into town at about noon. I went to the farmer's market quickly. They had no tie dye. Oh well. The brisk walk and the song 'Soldier Boy' on the radio woke me up. I met my mom about twenty minutes later at Oceana as I was getting a chocolate chip cookie. She hugged me and said "Look at you" and seemed happy to see me. Which was nice. She seemed to be happy to be there. We went to the back to meet RM and my mom said "Thank you" to her, "for all you've done," I guess giving me a place to live, and RM said it was nothing, and my mom said "she sounds so happy." More emotion than I'm used to seeing from her, but I like it. I like the new more emotional side of her. I can actually tell what she's thinking then.
They chatted for a couple minutes. My mom paid for my groceries which was nice. I got some soup, toothpaste, that was about all, some water.
We went back to the farmer's market so my mom could see it. She really liked the crafts and jewerly. I had a sudden vision of just how many crafts and jewerly there are in this town and was afraid we'd never get anywhere because she'd be looking at it all. Luckily she only looked at a few places, and bought a beautiful red necklace that went perfectly with her red shirt and coat.
Then we headed from Oceana down to the bayfront. Came out by coffee shop. Showed her all the boats in the harbor. Made our way down the street. More people than usual cus it was a Saturday. I asked if she wanted some salmon on a stick, but she declined. Ha. She stopped in a few artsy places along the way and I waited outside, she was pretty good about not taking too long. I was a little impatient because I was afraid it was going to start raining before we got anywhere. It was on the verge of raining all day but never did. It was misting for most of it so you kind of got wet without being rained on, but that was tolerable. It was warm enough that it was okay. So we finally got to the end of the street and turned up the street to go to the state park. I hate that hill going up there. Saw the beautiful view along the way, which I have to say wasn't nearly as stunning in clouds and fog and light drizzle, but still nice. We sat at the bench when we got there for a bit and talked. About the difference between "beach" and ocean" lol one refers to sand I suppose and the other to water. I was using them interchangeably. We then went down to the beach itself . There were several other people there despite the weather. When we finally got past the sand duney part and were on level ground and walking in the right direction into the wind, it was actually quite pleasant. Nice to walk in, beautiful to see, and easy to have conversation in. So we walked for a good while and talked and then we were nervous about going back because we'd be going against the wind and the mist and wind was blowing water into our faces, a sensation I hate.
I remembered that there was that cookie shop I liked somewhere in that general area when you went up the stairs. That's where I was when I got lost the first time. So I told her about the cookie shop, and let's just say she took a bit of convincing. "Katie," she said to me, "you're trying to tell me there's a cookie shop at the top of those stairs?" but she said it in that really funny voice I love she uses when she's trying to make a joke. Anyway, she was soon convinced by the increasingly unpleasant weather conditions on the beach to go up the stairs and walk back on the road rather than on the beach. "Okay, Hotshot," she said, "Find the cookie shop," when we were at the top. So we walked a bit till we came to Georgie's where I remembered it being near. Also I realized we were on Elizabeth Street which is what RM said you took to get to Nye Beach, but I hadn't had any idea where it was, I never pay attention to street names anyway. So I realized we could get to Nye Beach that way, but then I was conflicted because I was way too tired to go to Nye Beach and wanted to go back to the van. But walking back by way of the bay front would have taken almost half an hour and quite a ways. I finally realized it was ten minutes to Nye Beach and ten minutes from Nye Beach to the van so that would be the quicker way. Mom went into Georgie's to make sure E. Street would indeed take us to Nye Beach and also to ask where the cookie shop, Dutch Brothers', a coffee shop actually, was. It turned it out it was like two blocks away so we found it and Mom bought me some cookies, three, actually. Which I had too many of earlier. Gotta stay away from that stuff, lol, I dunno.
Anyway so then we started walking to Nye Beach. We were pretty tired and it was kind of rainy so I was looking forward to getting there. We finally did and found a bench by a resteraunt at the bottom of Nye Beach that I was very thankful for. We sat on it for a while to get our energy back and exchanged horrible flight stories. She got stuck I think in two different cities trying to get back from San Francisco, and my luggage got stuck in two different cities, lol. And we had the cookies, which were a bit on the sugared up side, but better than the health food store cookies.
Haha. Anyway so then all we had to do was walk all the way up the street we were on to get back to Oceana to the van. And I managed to convince her to stop to get some expresso ice cream along the way. We shared it, even though she had three times before we got there that she didn't want any ice cream and she wouldn't have any. I think she liked it. :) She said it was very good. It is. Their homemade stuff is out of this world.
Then it was a few blocks over back to Oceana. I almost had an Oops moment when I realized that RM was going to take the car back to where we just came from at 4 and it might not be there when we got there, but fortunately, it was only 3:30 so we still had time. And it worked out well because RM it gave me a ride to Cafe Mundo where she was going too, and Mom took her car. RM was meeting someone for dinner at 4 at same place.
The best part was when my mom saw what Cafe Mundo looked like though lol. I had only seen it myself for the first time on Thursday. It truly cannot be described in words, so that means I'll have to take my camera sometime. Haha. I will try though. Well, RM said to me before I saw it, "It's kind of artsy and hippie, I don't know if your mom will like it," and I was thinking, how can an outdoor seating area of a cafe be artsy and hippie? Well, it definitely was, beyond belief.
I can't find a picture by Googling it. Oh well.
At the center is a large, gnarled tree. It's a large courtyard, larger than it looks from the (fenced in) outside. Inside is a VERY eclectic mix of objects, art, a woodstove, paintings, and the occasional table and chair. At the center is a marble table and chairs with a canopy of sorts over it. To one side is a stage for performances. At the other side is another canopy with two tables, one made out of wood I believe, with a bench and marble or was it wood? rocks for chairs. And some green plastic chairs. I mentioned the wood stove in the front with an assortment of lawn chairs and plastic chairs. There are many haphazard decorations, such as a set of stairs that lead to nowhere, and things made out of clay. It is like stepping into some kind of magical fairy tale land, an enchanted forest of sorts, and you get to sit there and have dinner. There is a peace sign that says Peace Is Political.
It will make your mouth drop open - it certainly did mine. I never in my life ever saw or imagined a place like that.
Anyway, so the most fun part was my mom's reaction to Cafe Mundo. I hope I can remember exactly what she said. Her mouth definitely dropped open. She said something like "This is unbelievable, this is like - no, it's like..." and she didn't quite know how to describe it but kept staring around in awe, and told RM that she had described it exactly right.
And all throughout dinner, she kept saying how amazing it was, and she's not one given to emoting as I said, so yeah, I think she liked it. :)
Since we got there early, there wasn't much of a wait. We were the very first people to come.
I got a chicken ceaser and Mom got some kind of shrimp dish. It was quite good. I also decided to get some albacore tuna halfway through because I wanted some fish as well. I was too full to eat it at the time but it made a delicious snack later.
She then said something like "This is perfect. It was a perfect day, everythign about it was perfect. I loved it. Thank you for planning it so well, I appreciate it." I wanted to try to remember the words she said exactly because, well, it's awfully nice when a parent actually tells you you did something right :) but I might not have gottne them exactly right. But it was good to hear. Although, I'm not sure exactly why she was thanking me, she's the one who drove 2 hours to get here from Eugene and paid for dinner and food all day.
So we chatted a bit and she told me how nervous she was about getting the job. I do hope she gets it, because she wants it so much, for one, and for two, I think it might actually be fun having her nearby - either 2 or 2.5 hrs depending on what city I end up in - assuming her car is okay, which I really hope to hell it is, then we could meet and go hiking together, and would probably really enjoy that. But, not going to get my or her hopes up.
She left a little after 5 because she had to drive back to Eugene and had an early, 6am flight the next day. So all in all much better than expected even with the drizzly, but thankfully not raining, weather.
Two things in particular stand out: One, that I was able to share something positive and joyous with someone close to me, my mom, for one of the first times in my life; my life has really been, well, more than its fair share of problems up until now and I've seldom had anything I could be really proud of, hate to say it. College, I guess, but that was a long time ago. Anyway so this town is something I can be proud of. And it was nice to share it with someone I love. Much better than sharing anguish. lol. So over that - I hope.
Second, it for once gave my mom a chance to see that I could have a somewhat happy and satisfied life even despite MCS and being so limited in what I could do. I might not be able to go
into any or most stores, but hey, there are oceans to be explored, beaches to walk on, sights to see, stores to look at from the outside, health food stores to explore, music to listen to..... Towns are fun to walk around and look at even just from the outside. Sure, I'd rather be inside, but I'm going to make the most out of it just walking around and looking from the outside.
I think I seemed a little more confident of myself, a little happier, a little peppier. And I am glad that she could see for herself that was happiness was possible even despite severe limitations. Also, she could see that RM could have a, to use the cliches, "happy and productive" life even despite having the same limitations, and I have to believe that made an impression on her. If she isn't as worried about me then she will hopefully relax and we will have better conversations. When she is stressed out worrying about me it comes across pretty much like she's angry at me, even if she doesn't intend it, and she doesn't say much and the conversation gets pretty strained. So, I hope this will help that.
Too bad my dad and stepmom couldn't see what a beautiful town it is, but maybe someday, and we do need a little space from each other right now. It had been about seven months since I'd seen my mom, though. I do hope to see my brother some time, at some point, it's been I think two years since I've seen him. He needs to hop a flight from San Fran to here or drive, it's about 10 hrs....I think anyway lol.
Okay, good, I was able to write about all that.
There is so much to worry about and I am trying not to worry about it. I did do good tonight and when my mood plummeted when we got home , not immediartely but an hour or so after, I said to myself and even wrote down, "This is just a mood. It is only temporary. It will go away and I will feel better and functional again. I will be patient and wait for it go away." over and over. To remind myself not to panic and wait for it to pass. So maybe I'm doing better with the whole mood regulation thing but it still drives me crazy.
RM and I both were tired and zonked out tonight.
Tomorrow is another day, though.
She just went to bed. She didn't say goodnight though. She probably didn't want to bother me, but I like it when people say good night. It has a nice feeling of closure to the day. It's a final connection to sustain you through the night. Would it be stupid to ask her to say goodnight? I would have said it first except by the time I realized she was downstairs she was already gone.
We are both in an open area where a goodnight could be heard no matter where she is so it's not a matter of being in a different room./
12:47. Well that killed an hour or two. Should go to bed by 2 or 3 I suppose.
Damn countdowns on Sunday morning instead of evening so I can't listen.
I am thinking of Bend vs here. and when to go . still. It all comes down to this I guess, I am afraid sometimes, ok most of the time, that something in the house is making me react/sick as I feel pretty icky when I walk into the living room area (which is most of house due to open plan). I get used to it and can tolerate it most of the time....it usually works out ok....but it still scares me.
Get foggy and lately a couple times I have even had trouble physically speaking which is a really scary thing. It doesn't last long, but still. It doesn't seem right.
But I can't tell if my doubts are valid or not, if it'd be like this or some similar problem anywhere, if it's worth making a fuss over.
On the other hand, I love RM so much I feel if I stick around for another month there are so many lessons about social relationships and emotions and friendships and communications that I can learn, that I need to learn, that I want to learn. And maybe hopefully master the washing your clothes thing. I dunno. I feel like it would be a crime to leave her now.
And of course there is the humidity but not as bad last 2-3 days and tolerable so far.
My mom thinks I should give Bend a try but make sure to try to leave this option open unless I want to come back, if I do. I don't know if that will work with RM and her getting or not getting other roommates but I shall certainly try and we shall see.
I think I am becoming rather paranoid about mold which is not a good thing.
I do not like that it will be rainy all week this week . Cold , miserable, and not sure if we have enough wood to make fires to heat the house.
I want to write more but enough for now. It is important to me to write down every detail so I remember . I write about the good things as if my life depended on it, sometimes it feels , becaise I have this feeling in me "What if I am never able to have good moments again" what if it all falls apart etc what if this is the last one? all kinds of disaster, crisis, maladaptive thinking. So I cherish and treasure every moment, or try very hard to, to take me through the blach abyss that so oftten comes in between good moments. I want to havbe it to look back on.
I just did word count on this , 3329 words. If I could only focus that much to do the same for the ebook Im supposed to be writing I would have made $40. Man I hope I can focus on that soon. I need to make money. Ha.
Ok...Night
Kate
Thursday, June 4, 2009
A Zest for Food
Did I already write in here today? I can't remember. It seems familiar, lol. I dunno.
I was just reading about New Hampshire and the gay marriage thing. Am very happy about them and it.
Man I am trying to write thi blog pos but its not happening. I knew pigging out on Trader Joes junk food wasn't a good idea, lol.
Was going to sleep 3 hrs ago but wanted to write about tonight, decided I needed jnk food to make em awake to do it, shoud have rethriought idea
Ok in short:
rm's friend S came tonight and cooked a delicious dinner, of sauteed tuna and rockfish, and rm made some rice i actually liked w/ something called briggs sauce on it. so nice to have something tat actuyally made mystomach feel good for once and tasted so good. so nice to have a real sit down dinner with other people for the first time in many , many, many months - probably been a year since I had a sit down dinner with other people. Didnt with either parent or in Liberty or Burlington. So felt really good. To sit with 2 people I liked very much and enjoy a delicious dinner and engage in stimulating but relaxing dinner time conversation. it's kind of like a dream. i miss those days, rhat used to be a staple of my childhood, long meal time conversations and good food.
i didnt expect much but i loved rm's friend S. Some people are open and most are closed I have concluded. Most seem to just send off this dont get near me or talk to me vibes. if they become open it's only because you hgad to pry them open and that takes mucho time.
Some on other hand are open and friendly and you get "i like you, talk to me" vibes right away. i like that very much.
A few things I noticed about him or night in general:
1. he put a lot of effort into making sure i was included in the conversation. since i have great difficulties keeping up in a 3 person convo i appreciated that more than you can imagine. my voice is soft and high and i talk too fast ...... people don't usually understand me and ignore me. To hear him on 2 occasions stop his conversation with RM to say "I heard you say XXX" which I had started saying but stopped as I felt I was interrupting their convo (my sense of timing isn't always great) and want to take the time to hear what I had to say was amazing. Very few if any people in my life have done that. This guy never met me before and had no obligsation to include me at all in convo but went out of his way to do it. Gotta love a guy like that.
2. 3 person convos. I usually suck at them. I can't break into a conversation to save my life. I can't keep up. I cant interject anything natural sounding. They usually drive me crazy, esp as I cantstand being left out eithe way
This one went fine! He would start telling a story, RM would join in, and when I had formulated a response in my head I would interject it and join in too. Often this would spark somehing else in S and he would reply and we'd get into a little repartee or banter for a bit , until the next subject, where K would say siomething, and if I could think of anything I woulkd, and S and so on....Seldom have I ever had a three person convsrsation go so well...ever!
It was like having some kind of forcefield - I felt relaxed and good and like nothing could hurt me, in a sense, because I was getting so emotionally filled up by the conversation. Such a wonderful feeling. Like I used to feel when having lunches with Michael and Allison at school .
3. Food
S is passionate about food, so this i somethong we had in common. He is also a natural born story teller, has a zest for life and likes to make jokes. All things I love ina person. When he talked, I noticed he talked about certain foods that had meaning for him with the same zest, joy, and body consuming joy and interest that I do - never have I met anyone as passionate about food as he and it was great to behold.
He mentioned flans so I mentioned the best flan/creme caramel I ever hd was at Fore St n Portland and was a lavender CC. Hence ensued a long covno on the use of lavender in cooking, such as for the Dagoba chocolate bars or the lavender ginger cookies at Geo's.
Somehow we got talking about fish of course - he mentioned sole,I think, so I mentioned Dad's flounder and crabmeat dish and how I tried to duplicate it once. We debated the merits of flounder versus sole versus tillapia, halibut so on. He even knew about Odwalla and Boltwood Farms, he brought some for us, and we discussed those places and Fresh Samantha.
When he talked about a dish he particularly liked or a food he had had in a resteraunt, his eyes got big, he used hand gestures, his voice enthusastic, and you could hear pure reverence, pure joy,. complete reveration and awe and delight in the food he wadt alking about - same as me.
Man was it fun talking to someonme as passionmate abiut food as mwe.
so was 3 hrs or so w. him and great = that sense of connection - the bubble wonderful relaxing feelin of being in a 3 person easy going enjoyable cnvo - gotta remember oit
bedtime now tho
Kate
I was just reading about New Hampshire and the gay marriage thing. Am very happy about them and it.
Man I am trying to write thi blog pos but its not happening. I knew pigging out on Trader Joes junk food wasn't a good idea, lol.
Was going to sleep 3 hrs ago but wanted to write about tonight, decided I needed jnk food to make em awake to do it, shoud have rethriought idea
Ok in short:
rm's friend S came tonight and cooked a delicious dinner, of sauteed tuna and rockfish, and rm made some rice i actually liked w/ something called briggs sauce on it. so nice to have something tat actuyally made mystomach feel good for once and tasted so good. so nice to have a real sit down dinner with other people for the first time in many , many, many months - probably been a year since I had a sit down dinner with other people. Didnt with either parent or in Liberty or Burlington. So felt really good. To sit with 2 people I liked very much and enjoy a delicious dinner and engage in stimulating but relaxing dinner time conversation. it's kind of like a dream. i miss those days, rhat used to be a staple of my childhood, long meal time conversations and good food.
i didnt expect much but i loved rm's friend S. Some people are open and most are closed I have concluded. Most seem to just send off this dont get near me or talk to me vibes. if they become open it's only because you hgad to pry them open and that takes mucho time.
Some on other hand are open and friendly and you get "i like you, talk to me" vibes right away. i like that very much.
A few things I noticed about him or night in general:
1. he put a lot of effort into making sure i was included in the conversation. since i have great difficulties keeping up in a 3 person convo i appreciated that more than you can imagine. my voice is soft and high and i talk too fast ...... people don't usually understand me and ignore me. To hear him on 2 occasions stop his conversation with RM to say "I heard you say XXX" which I had started saying but stopped as I felt I was interrupting their convo (my sense of timing isn't always great) and want to take the time to hear what I had to say was amazing. Very few if any people in my life have done that. This guy never met me before and had no obligsation to include me at all in convo but went out of his way to do it. Gotta love a guy like that.
2. 3 person convos. I usually suck at them. I can't break into a conversation to save my life. I can't keep up. I cant interject anything natural sounding. They usually drive me crazy, esp as I cantstand being left out eithe way
This one went fine! He would start telling a story, RM would join in, and when I had formulated a response in my head I would interject it and join in too. Often this would spark somehing else in S and he would reply and we'd get into a little repartee or banter for a bit , until the next subject, where K would say siomething, and if I could think of anything I woulkd, and S and so on....Seldom have I ever had a three person convsrsation go so well...ever!
It was like having some kind of forcefield - I felt relaxed and good and like nothing could hurt me, in a sense, because I was getting so emotionally filled up by the conversation. Such a wonderful feeling. Like I used to feel when having lunches with Michael and Allison at school .
3. Food
S is passionate about food, so this i somethong we had in common. He is also a natural born story teller, has a zest for life and likes to make jokes. All things I love ina person. When he talked, I noticed he talked about certain foods that had meaning for him with the same zest, joy, and body consuming joy and interest that I do - never have I met anyone as passionate about food as he and it was great to behold.
He mentioned flans so I mentioned the best flan/creme caramel I ever hd was at Fore St n Portland and was a lavender CC. Hence ensued a long covno on the use of lavender in cooking, such as for the Dagoba chocolate bars or the lavender ginger cookies at Geo's.
Somehow we got talking about fish of course - he mentioned sole,I think, so I mentioned Dad's flounder and crabmeat dish and how I tried to duplicate it once. We debated the merits of flounder versus sole versus tillapia, halibut so on. He even knew about Odwalla and Boltwood Farms, he brought some for us, and we discussed those places and Fresh Samantha.
When he talked about a dish he particularly liked or a food he had had in a resteraunt, his eyes got big, he used hand gestures, his voice enthusastic, and you could hear pure reverence, pure joy,. complete reveration and awe and delight in the food he wadt alking about - same as me.
Man was it fun talking to someonme as passionmate abiut food as mwe.
so was 3 hrs or so w. him and great = that sense of connection - the bubble wonderful relaxing feelin of being in a 3 person easy going enjoyable cnvo - gotta remember oit
bedtime now tho
Kate
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Ramblings for a Tuesday
Well, I have a million thoughts flying thru my head as usual so I will try to write them out.
I just had a good long conversation with my roommate. My, it was great and we laughed and I felt connected and in awe as usual but the problem was there was so many switches in topics that my mind went on overload a bit - it can process a long convo on one topic pretty well, but too many topics at once and it fizzles. Luckily we stopped before it got to that point. I had to sit quietly and let my brain process it for a while after, though. Definitely worth it. :)
ANyway. My mom is coming on Saturday like I said. She got a job offer in Eugene. 2 hrs from here. I was super nervous about it because I wasn't gonna be able to go into the rental car, and therefore not really be able to do anything with her. Super nervous about telling her that. BUT, it turns out, that RM is working at the co-op Saturday afternoon! WOOHOOO! AND, is having dinner with a friend. So, she will be going in at the exact time I was hoping to meet my mom, and staying until about the time my mom wanted to leave - perfect! So now we can have a day together with no hassles and no worries (of the rental car kind anyway) Haha. No obvious ones anyway.
So, here is what I plan to do. Oh yeah I forgot about the farmer's market. I need to get a tie dye shirt there. Yes. So we will meet at the farmer's market at noon. I will get my tie-dye. Then I will use my magical directional skills to take us to the bayfront. We will walk around the bayfront and see the sights. And the wharfs and hopefully some fishermen skinning fish, as a bonus. I will make sure she tries the salmon on a stick and/or the salmon candy. Then we we will walk to the state park, which is about 10 minutes away and has some of the most stunning views I have ever seen of the bay along the way. I mean, I never get tired of those views. Just unbelievable. Then, we get to the state park. Hopefully she won't want to walk on the beach too much because I am so sick of walking through sand. But maybe a little bit. Then, RM said you can get to Nye Beach on Elizabeth Street directly from the SP, so I will have to try that out on Thursday to make sure I can do it, I only know the long way. We will go to Nye Beach and see that beach. That one is maybe better to walk on, but it depends on the wind. We could go into the bakery perhaps. That is where Cafe Stephanie is that I went the other day. I hope she won't want to go into shops because I can't, but I suppose if she really wanted to I could wait out on the sidewalk for her for a few minutes. Might make me jealous, though. Maybe I should tell her if she wants to go into shops, she should do it in the morning before I get there. Or maybe I should just wing it. That's better.
Then we have to find a place for dinner, she wanted Local Ocean but there's a weird smell on that side of the Bayfront so I don't think that's a good idea. Her other idea was Sharks and their menu looks okay and maybe we could do take out or sit on the wharf. Otherwise RM suggested either Canyon Way or someplace I can't remember in Nye Beach, I need to check out those 2 places on Thursday.
Stop the presses! lol. I just looked up the website of Cafe Mundo. Omg I NEED TO GO THERE. lol. Everyone has told me how wonderful it is but it isn't open till 4 and I am never in Nye Beach that late. Of course the chicken ceaser that RM got me from the airport was just decent but who needs more than that....the dressing was good but the chicken was kind of weird. Anyway whatever.
They have a grilled mesquite steak on the menu, I could so go for that. And outside seating, and a creme brulee. Mmmm I could go for a creme brulee.
AND, Rm said the floors downstairs are concrete. I kind of wish she had told me that earlier, I die for places with concrete floors, they are usually the only places I can tolerate..... I would have made a much bigger effort to get there earlier if I knew :) But of couyrse she didn't know to tell me. Anyway so on Thursday I will try Mundo out and see. It would be cool if I could tolerate it, if not outside seating.
So if my mom isnt too freaked out by my email abpit the renral car problems...should be good.
Man, I had other things I wanted to write about but they may have to wait. I was going to do some more reflection of the meaning of joy question. But that cna wait.
Keep zizagggin in deccision about when to go to Bend. At this point it looks like it will be end of the month or first week of July.
I love RM so much that despite the things I do like it does seem wiser. Valuing relationships over materialistic things - isn't that what's important in life?
I still have to post my pictures from Seal Rock 2 days ago. Tomorrow.
Also I am just beginning to get really familiar with and enjoy Newport so anothe reason t ostay. Weather is wild card. Plus tourists.
RM got email tonight that said somehting about a seminar on invasive coastal species. I said, "Oh, do you mean tourists?" Hahahah. I gotta remember that one.
Anyway where was I, getting distracted here.
I have to do my writing for the e-book I was hired to write at some point too. Not sure when. Maybe Sunday night. Dah. Not good. I'd like to get a chapter a week out but that just might not happen.
Tomorrow we are going to have company over. RM's friend and her 2 kids are coming.
Wonder if weather will be nice to me and let me go outside. I should clean out the fridge.
And load pics.
You know it's amazing. RM wanted me to wash a knife with some soap tonight.... I am nervous about soap and etc so asked if I could use something to cover my hands... But the whole interaction....so respectful, so easy, so drama free.... I keep having these angry voices in my head...every time I do anything. They are the voices of all my family.....judging everything I do.... yelling at me about God knows what. And I keep expecting RM to be the same way, but time after time after time again she proves that she is not like that all. I keep expecting all the negative comments, but she's not like that. She's a real class act. No problem is too big for her - NOTHING! She works EVERYTHING out calmly, rationally, with respect. I love her! I have never had so much respect or admiration for someone in my life. She'll get frustrated over something and be laughing 2 minutes later.
You know, theory of mind - so important in autism. I'm starting to realize - maybe a LITTLE bit - that people can be angry, stressed or frustrated over things not relating to me. I'm so used to having people get stressed out because of me and in my presence as a result of me, and so I just kinda automaticallt assume anyone stressed out is so because of me. Self cewntered I know bit true for most of my life. But I realized tonight, when she was frustrated over something, that I inadvertently had a part in, (she's a vegetarian and I eat nothing but chicken so...) but then was laughing like I said 2 minutes later.... showing me that ..... yes, people can be bothered by somethign but it's not like an end all be all of things... it's not like....they don't hate you because of one little thing. They can be frustrated but move on. Things can be bad without being horrible. Being upset or frustrated is not the end o the world.
It made me feel just a little bit lighter. It feels like my whole world is coming to an end when I sense someone is unhappy with me - but just maybe, living around RM will change that. Maybe I will start to realize social truths that have thus far eluded me. I hope so , anyway, but like she said, I will not put her on a pedestal - she's just human and no one's perfect- but I'll take i t any day.
That in itself is the best reason for staying. I feel like more of a person, more of a human, when I'm with her. I almost feel like I'm learning to *become* more human. Slowly - oh so slowly - but surely.
Maybe little by little I will be able to realize that not everything is a crisis - I have had so much crises and crisis thinking over the last 2 yrs that I am afraid my brain has become a little addicted to it and it's hard not to think about everything in that way.
But time heals all, right?
For what it's worth, KNOCK ON WOOD, certain health problems, such as the severe brain fog, have not been unwelcome visitors for the entire last week, and I have been very happy about that. While I still worry and have some problems I have not had obsessive, acute worry about health problems in almost a week and I need to be thankful for that.
I did stop a particular medication around the time things got better, and I have to wonder if that was what was to blame, but it had never given me that problem before.
I still have some brain fog but not the disabling kind or nearly as much as before. So that is good.
Okay I have emails to write before bed and its 2am.... RM stayed up a bit late due to us talking and her getting home late and some other things so I got a late start, too.
She cares about me so much. She cares about my needs. She respects me. I have never heard the words "I'm going to work around your needs" in my life I don't think. It is amazing and fills in some way that craving I have had for so long for someone to put me first just once in a while and to care about my needs.
Okay - bed now. Thurs aft go out .
Kate
I just had a good long conversation with my roommate. My, it was great and we laughed and I felt connected and in awe as usual but the problem was there was so many switches in topics that my mind went on overload a bit - it can process a long convo on one topic pretty well, but too many topics at once and it fizzles. Luckily we stopped before it got to that point. I had to sit quietly and let my brain process it for a while after, though. Definitely worth it. :)
ANyway. My mom is coming on Saturday like I said. She got a job offer in Eugene. 2 hrs from here. I was super nervous about it because I wasn't gonna be able to go into the rental car, and therefore not really be able to do anything with her. Super nervous about telling her that. BUT, it turns out, that RM is working at the co-op Saturday afternoon! WOOHOOO! AND, is having dinner with a friend. So, she will be going in at the exact time I was hoping to meet my mom, and staying until about the time my mom wanted to leave - perfect! So now we can have a day together with no hassles and no worries (of the rental car kind anyway) Haha. No obvious ones anyway.
So, here is what I plan to do. Oh yeah I forgot about the farmer's market. I need to get a tie dye shirt there. Yes. So we will meet at the farmer's market at noon. I will get my tie-dye. Then I will use my magical directional skills to take us to the bayfront. We will walk around the bayfront and see the sights. And the wharfs and hopefully some fishermen skinning fish, as a bonus. I will make sure she tries the salmon on a stick and/or the salmon candy. Then we we will walk to the state park, which is about 10 minutes away and has some of the most stunning views I have ever seen of the bay along the way. I mean, I never get tired of those views. Just unbelievable. Then, we get to the state park. Hopefully she won't want to walk on the beach too much because I am so sick of walking through sand. But maybe a little bit. Then, RM said you can get to Nye Beach on Elizabeth Street directly from the SP, so I will have to try that out on Thursday to make sure I can do it, I only know the long way. We will go to Nye Beach and see that beach. That one is maybe better to walk on, but it depends on the wind. We could go into the bakery perhaps. That is where Cafe Stephanie is that I went the other day. I hope she won't want to go into shops because I can't, but I suppose if she really wanted to I could wait out on the sidewalk for her for a few minutes. Might make me jealous, though. Maybe I should tell her if she wants to go into shops, she should do it in the morning before I get there. Or maybe I should just wing it. That's better.
Then we have to find a place for dinner, she wanted Local Ocean but there's a weird smell on that side of the Bayfront so I don't think that's a good idea. Her other idea was Sharks and their menu looks okay and maybe we could do take out or sit on the wharf. Otherwise RM suggested either Canyon Way or someplace I can't remember in Nye Beach, I need to check out those 2 places on Thursday.
Stop the presses! lol. I just looked up the website of Cafe Mundo. Omg I NEED TO GO THERE. lol. Everyone has told me how wonderful it is but it isn't open till 4 and I am never in Nye Beach that late. Of course the chicken ceaser that RM got me from the airport was just decent but who needs more than that....the dressing was good but the chicken was kind of weird. Anyway whatever.
They have a grilled mesquite steak on the menu, I could so go for that. And outside seating, and a creme brulee. Mmmm I could go for a creme brulee.
AND, Rm said the floors downstairs are concrete. I kind of wish she had told me that earlier, I die for places with concrete floors, they are usually the only places I can tolerate..... I would have made a much bigger effort to get there earlier if I knew :) But of couyrse she didn't know to tell me. Anyway so on Thursday I will try Mundo out and see. It would be cool if I could tolerate it, if not outside seating.
So if my mom isnt too freaked out by my email abpit the renral car problems...should be good.
Man, I had other things I wanted to write about but they may have to wait. I was going to do some more reflection of the meaning of joy question. But that cna wait.
Keep zizagggin in deccision about when to go to Bend. At this point it looks like it will be end of the month or first week of July.
I love RM so much that despite the things I do like it does seem wiser. Valuing relationships over materialistic things - isn't that what's important in life?
I still have to post my pictures from Seal Rock 2 days ago. Tomorrow.
Also I am just beginning to get really familiar with and enjoy Newport so anothe reason t ostay. Weather is wild card. Plus tourists.
RM got email tonight that said somehting about a seminar on invasive coastal species. I said, "Oh, do you mean tourists?" Hahahah. I gotta remember that one.
Anyway where was I, getting distracted here.
I have to do my writing for the e-book I was hired to write at some point too. Not sure when. Maybe Sunday night. Dah. Not good. I'd like to get a chapter a week out but that just might not happen.
Tomorrow we are going to have company over. RM's friend and her 2 kids are coming.
Wonder if weather will be nice to me and let me go outside. I should clean out the fridge.
And load pics.
You know it's amazing. RM wanted me to wash a knife with some soap tonight.... I am nervous about soap and etc so asked if I could use something to cover my hands... But the whole interaction....so respectful, so easy, so drama free.... I keep having these angry voices in my head...every time I do anything. They are the voices of all my family.....judging everything I do.... yelling at me about God knows what. And I keep expecting RM to be the same way, but time after time after time again she proves that she is not like that all. I keep expecting all the negative comments, but she's not like that. She's a real class act. No problem is too big for her - NOTHING! She works EVERYTHING out calmly, rationally, with respect. I love her! I have never had so much respect or admiration for someone in my life. She'll get frustrated over something and be laughing 2 minutes later.
You know, theory of mind - so important in autism. I'm starting to realize - maybe a LITTLE bit - that people can be angry, stressed or frustrated over things not relating to me. I'm so used to having people get stressed out because of me and in my presence as a result of me, and so I just kinda automaticallt assume anyone stressed out is so because of me. Self cewntered I know bit true for most of my life. But I realized tonight, when she was frustrated over something, that I inadvertently had a part in, (she's a vegetarian and I eat nothing but chicken so...) but then was laughing like I said 2 minutes later.... showing me that ..... yes, people can be bothered by somethign but it's not like an end all be all of things... it's not like....they don't hate you because of one little thing. They can be frustrated but move on. Things can be bad without being horrible. Being upset or frustrated is not the end o the world.
It made me feel just a little bit lighter. It feels like my whole world is coming to an end when I sense someone is unhappy with me - but just maybe, living around RM will change that. Maybe I will start to realize social truths that have thus far eluded me. I hope so , anyway, but like she said, I will not put her on a pedestal - she's just human and no one's perfect- but I'll take i t any day.
That in itself is the best reason for staying. I feel like more of a person, more of a human, when I'm with her. I almost feel like I'm learning to *become* more human. Slowly - oh so slowly - but surely.
Maybe little by little I will be able to realize that not everything is a crisis - I have had so much crises and crisis thinking over the last 2 yrs that I am afraid my brain has become a little addicted to it and it's hard not to think about everything in that way.
But time heals all, right?
For what it's worth, KNOCK ON WOOD, certain health problems, such as the severe brain fog, have not been unwelcome visitors for the entire last week, and I have been very happy about that. While I still worry and have some problems I have not had obsessive, acute worry about health problems in almost a week and I need to be thankful for that.
I did stop a particular medication around the time things got better, and I have to wonder if that was what was to blame, but it had never given me that problem before.
I still have some brain fog but not the disabling kind or nearly as much as before. So that is good.
Okay I have emails to write before bed and its 2am.... RM stayed up a bit late due to us talking and her getting home late and some other things so I got a late start, too.
She cares about me so much. She cares about my needs. She respects me. I have never heard the words "I'm going to work around your needs" in my life I don't think. It is amazing and fills in some way that craving I have had for so long for someone to put me first just once in a while and to care about my needs.
Okay - bed now. Thurs aft go out .
Kate
Monday, June 1, 2009
Walkabout
My, my. I do like going out but I don't like how tired I get doing so. Suppose you have to pay the price!
I'm not tired during the day when doing stuff, it's just later that I am.
It's still rather cold in here. Oh well. Better than hot I suppose!
So, I just read some blogs. I am trying to focus on writing mine. I am tired lol And it is cold. Man. I'd put on the portable heater but I feel somewhat guilty doing that in June. Not supposed to need it right?
The problem is I sit by the window. Cold air comes thru. RM's computer is upstairs away from window; she is warmer. Oh well.
Nowhere else to use it .
Hard enough to focus when tired but cold takes the cake.
So focus
Town today, Newport
Left 8:30am, got there 9am
Walked to Bayfront, needed bathroom, so walked back up to Oceana
Got banana and ran into C on the way out. C is my RM's son who is home from college but living in town. Only met him once. Had very nice chat with him for 20-30 min. Enjoyed it quite a bit. Very polite, kind, amiable guy. Don't find that much in this age group.
Going to Oceana worked well because I figured I might go to Nye Beach next which I don't usually do or haven't recently. And because I knew if you went from Oceana two blocks over, you'd hit the highway and ice cream place and all you had to do was go down that road to get to Nye Beach.
And I was RIGHT!
Woohoo!
And so when I got there I was in a different part than I've usually been in. And I realized, lo and behold, there was a part of Nye Beach I had not explored yet. Whee! And lo and behold it was the best part of Nye Beach. Don't you hate when that happens?
If you go all the way to the east, the right, over a street from the bakery, there is a viewing platform of sorts for the ocean. There are concrete benches there, pretty ones adorned with the words Nye Beach and a symbol of a crab if I remember right. And OMG, the view, the view, the waves, it never stops being amazing. And so I didn't really feel like dealing with a sandy beach again as me and Sandy Beaches do NOT get along well. But just to sit and watch the beach and the waves roll in, it was like being at some kind of IMAX movie but in real life ya know...just beautiful. To sit and listen to the music and see this stunning sight from such a comfortable vantage point. Wow. Will have to go back there. Is usually windy down there but wasn't tomorrow, will have to check wind forecasts more often. Lots of people.
Anyway so tried to go to group of rocks but a stream of sorts seperated me from it. So lacking time as I was supposed to meet RM at 12 to go to Seal Rock, I left. And immediately got drawn into a street of shops I missed - this one much prettier and more enticing and charming than the other streets. The cobblestones - were they? I can't remember - maybe maybe not - reminded me almost of a street in the Old Port which made me feel very at home. It was but it wasn't. Anyway. A couple seafood resteraunts , one had a steak and shrimp combo that looked rather enticing. Got to the end of the street, nothing interesting, one more block, then I would figure out how to get back to Oceana to meet RM.
And then I saw it. Cafe Stephanie, Eat In or Take Out, it said. I figured any place already set up for take out was a good bet for being able to , well, take out something.... and I saw the open doorway in the back. People were bustling about so I asked for a take out menu. I was given one and looked at it.... Oh, heaven, chicken ceaser. Also had blackened salmon, remind me, I have to try that one next time - this one was so good I bet that would be even better - although they do tend to do really weird things to salmon here. I don't even know how salmon would taste in ceaser. Never tried it. But anyway. I digress. I was planning to make a note of it to come back to later as I was already late in meeting RM, but then I figured, how long could a chicken ceaser take? 10 min at most? I could still get back to Oceana by our planned leaving time of 12:30 if I waited ten minutes, so I decided to go for it, since it was lunch time and I was hungry.
I went back to the open door and lingered for a minute while I tried to figure out my game plan of how I was going to make my request in the somewhat unorthodox way of ordering through the delivery door. Screwing up the courage, I called through the door, "Excuse me. Is there any chance I can place an order?" The waitress didn't even blink or seem to think the request was odd, or ask me to come in. She asked what I wanted, and I said chicken ceaser; she said it'll be ready in two minutes. She came back out to give me the check to sign and get my card from me, and then a few minutes later came back out with the food. Talk about service! Service with a smile, prompt, quick, easy, and most amazing of all: the food was actually good. With a two minute prep time you'd think it would be cold, thrown together, unappetizing. And most chicken ceasers are a crapshoot at best; you never know what the quality of the chicken is going to be. Which reminds me, I don't think I ever ordered a chicken ceaser at Whole Foods in Portland. I should have. Theirs is good. Kept forgetting. Oh well. I knew I had had a good chicken ceaser somewhere in Portland. I wonder if the one in Bend will have one? Mmmmm. Anyway. Back to the story.
So, usually either the dressing is gross or the chicken is; some are edible but not remarkable. Most fall into that category.
This was actually GOOD! I opened the to-go container, wondering what I would find. The salad was visually pleasing; I grabbed a fork and started eating. The sharp, poignant, pleasant flavors of the ceaser dressing hit my mouth immediately. I tried the chicken. Hot and with a slight grilled flavor, tender, tasty! A miracle had been born: a chicken ceaser with decent chicken AND dressing and presentation .... an all around great salad. Newport, you're doing all right if you got me a decent chicken ceaser. I give much kudos for that.
So I sat at the sidewalk table and ate it. All of it. Every last morsel. I don't usually eat so much salad but that was damn good. I'll have to get it again.
Not that I like walking all the way to Nye Beach especially if it's windy out but that's a pretty good reason.
Oh yeah and then some woman with a dog came up immediately after that, peered thru the open delivery door, and said "Can I order from here? I have a dog so I can't come in." I said to her, "Hey, I just did that!" and she said, "Oh, do you have a dog, too?" I said no. She asked me if I ordered the chicken ceaser when she saw how much I liked it, and I said yes, and she ordered it too. I told her it was a good choice.
So I called RM to see when she wanted to go to Seal Rock, which we were going to do during her 12-4pm break from clients. A town 15 min away with a new beach. She said 1 would be fine so I made my way back slowly - and figured out how to get back from Nye Beach to Oceana, that's quite a feat, lol.
Remembered to go back up the street straight up from the PAC sign, and passed where I would turn off for her office, and kept going to the ice cream place. Then crossed the very difficult to cross highway, turned right, went down the street a little, and boom, I was at Oceana! It's so fun to actually know your way around and be able to figure out how to get places. It is such a feeling of satisfaction, I can't tell you.
So, RM's plans got changed a little as she had a client scheduled last munute for 2:45, but we still had a little time for Seal Rock. So off we went and got there by about 1:30, about 45 min to spend there.
Ugh, I just got all distracted. By happenings in the house. It hadnt broken my focus completely until the Internet stopped working. Dang Internet. Focus again.
Seal Rock: Beautiful beach as usual. Took some pictures I'll put up tomorrow. I don't always remember to put link in here but between Facebook and emails I think most of you see them, if not, just go to one of my albums already listed and on the top left hand it shoudl list any new ones I've put up. Original album is www.photobucket.com/newportoregon
Lots of rocks, pretty waves, some wave rock interaction....Not a whole lot to see to be honest in comparison with the other places but beautiful in its own way. Camera batteries died AGAIN after like half an hour so ran to get spare ones. Missed great shot of fisherman on the rocks against the ocean though. Oh well, got other ones.
Had only a short time but it was nice to see another beach. Heard Simon and Garfunkel's I am a Rock.
We thought we'd go toa a nearby cookie shop but they were closed.
When we got back to town, I sat in the car to make a phone call and rest. Called my friend D in New Hampshire, she is planning on coming out here in the middle of the month sometime. That will be good, I think. If she really comes, we shall see, and if I am still here, which is something I can't decide, which is somewhat driving me crazy.
We got back about 3, at 4 I set out my last mission for the day: getting ice cream. Mmmm. I
asked RM how to get to the ice cream place from Oceana and her directions didnt make sense to me verbally but when I tried to do what she said, it all fell into place and made sense! I got there without getting lost once! Perfect. You go down the street south of the office and it leads into the highway with the shops eventually. All these places are interconnected! The directions are starting to make sense! lol
I love that place more each time I go in... for some reason I can tolerate it, and it is so much fun being in an ice cream shop, especially one as good as this one. The expresso ice cream, which is homemade, has got to be a serious contender for the best ice cream I have ever had in my life. I was hesitant about giving it this title the first time or two I had it, but now that I've had it three times, I think I can honestly say this may be the case. The expresso flavor is strong and robust and HITS you in the mouth the SECOND you put it in your mouth, which is a sign of any good ice cream. And it never stops, the flavor is rich and amazing.
Their non homemade but still local to Oregon ice creams were good, but not a quarter as good as this one. There was no comparison. I sampled many of them. It was the first time I felt comfortable enough to stay in the store long enough to do any samples, and I was glad for that. The guy who waited on me was very nice.
Mmmm and then I decided I would go back to Oceana before meeting her at the office at 5, and I ACTUALLY KNEW HOW TO GET THERE TOO! Wooohoo, lol. Cross the highway and two blocks east. Used the bathroom, bought some cheap raspberries and vegetable rice crackers (my new favorite snack, but theyre addictive), and I KNEW HOW TO GET TO THE OFFICE FROM THERE! lol see a theme here? it's so fun to know how to navigate different parts of town on my own. I've always loved that about new cities or any city. Go down to where the flag is down the street, bear left, walk straight till you come to the intersection, go up a block...Something like that. Easy.
So, I now know how to get to Oceana, the office, the bayfront and Nye Beach to and from various points. The good part is not just knowing how to get to points A, B, C, and D from Point A; the good part is when you can generalize and get to B from C and C from D and A from B and so on. So that's kind of cool.
Left about 6.
I was afraid the humidity would be a problem as that has been a big problem for me lately; I didn't go outside for three days in a row because of it. It seems to be much worse here where the house is, inland, than it is on the ocean in Newport. There is no doubt it still bothered me in Newport today, but it was entirely tolerable, as long as I lowered my expectations waay down and didn't expect myself to do anything other than, well, walk. In other words if I had expected myself to enjoy it as much as I usually do I would have absolutely choked on the expectations. But if I just said "Go and do it" and did it, then I could pressure free. I sure wish I could do that with the rest of my life - free myself from expectations.
I had to keep moving more because sitting in one place and thinking about the air and the way it made me feel too much was not good....but it was okay - the important thing is to tailor each day to your individual needs that day. I had some ideas of what I wnated to do before I came but the ychanged as I realized what my needs and wants were - which is good .
I am struggling to decide when to go to Bend, either June 14, 26, or July 5 are my options.
because of weather related reasons and other minor issues I had basically decided to go the 14th as originally planned, but now I am way leanng the other way as I don't want to leave RM, I feel like I have so much more I can benefit from and learn from and enjoy from her. As long as the humidity is tolerable I think I will wait out the month. Two months is a nice even time to be soemwhere. We shall see. Also, my mom is supposed to come, and I am a little nervous about that. She is interviewing for a job in, of all places in the entire country, Eugene, which is 2 hrs from here and 2.5 hrs from Bend. So if she came she'd be smack in the middle of the two cities, which is kind of funny and rather convenient. But I am a little overwhelmed at the prospect of managing and navigating her stay, mainly because she will want to go places in a rental car and because of MCS I can't tolerate rental cars. I am very nervous about breaking this to her. She should know from previous experience, of course, but I don't expect her to remember. It's not much notice, it's either this Friday or next Friday I think. I hope it's next. Or maybe this Saturday. Who knows. It might be nice if she lived 2 hrs away and we could go hiking together sometimes, but I am a little nervous about this visit. Whatever, we shall see.
Okay I gave in and put the heater on, but at least I waited three hours to do so. I really do wish it was warmer in here at night. It would make focusing and relaxing so much easier. But what can you do right. I don't like this heater, it makes me somewhat groggy and hard to focus, but being cold is worse. And I'm not sure I should be asking RM to make a fire in June....but it is probably 50 degrees or so outside and no heat inside,so, it happens. Whatever.
My friend Deb said to me on the phone today "Kate, do you want to have happiness or peace?"
She was referring to my by now age old dilemma of trying to label things too much to decide for sure if I am happy or not - and she's probably right. I guess. Labeling is good for certain things and certain times but you can certainly go too far. In deciding that you don't need to label something and just want to experience it, whatever it is, then you will have peace.
I can do that sometimes and in some areas of my life but overall I find it a dificult task because the only way I make sense of my life is to label, describe, analyze, and so on.
But sometimes...Just being ok with whatever happens.....is much more peaceful.
Anyway something I'll have to remember and think about later.
Something I'm wondering about the leaving issue, you know, how much emotional growth will I miss out on with RM if I leave early? Balance that against humidity, no cell phone, so on.... I can't even remember....it's just that I need distraction on the days Im home.
But whatever....one day at a time.
Yawning, heat is making me super sleepy. Need to keep believing, be patient, it will come together. Do some writing if I can tomorrow. We will see. One day at a time.
I should be proud of msyelf for going out and having fun on a somewhat humid day where I had to get up early. I did good.
One day at a time.
Goodnight
Kate
I'm not tired during the day when doing stuff, it's just later that I am.
It's still rather cold in here. Oh well. Better than hot I suppose!
So, I just read some blogs. I am trying to focus on writing mine. I am tired lol And it is cold. Man. I'd put on the portable heater but I feel somewhat guilty doing that in June. Not supposed to need it right?
The problem is I sit by the window. Cold air comes thru. RM's computer is upstairs away from window; she is warmer. Oh well.
Nowhere else to use it .
Hard enough to focus when tired but cold takes the cake.
So focus
Town today, Newport
Left 8:30am, got there 9am
Walked to Bayfront, needed bathroom, so walked back up to Oceana
Got banana and ran into C on the way out. C is my RM's son who is home from college but living in town. Only met him once. Had very nice chat with him for 20-30 min. Enjoyed it quite a bit. Very polite, kind, amiable guy. Don't find that much in this age group.
Going to Oceana worked well because I figured I might go to Nye Beach next which I don't usually do or haven't recently. And because I knew if you went from Oceana two blocks over, you'd hit the highway and ice cream place and all you had to do was go down that road to get to Nye Beach.
And I was RIGHT!
Woohoo!
And so when I got there I was in a different part than I've usually been in. And I realized, lo and behold, there was a part of Nye Beach I had not explored yet. Whee! And lo and behold it was the best part of Nye Beach. Don't you hate when that happens?
If you go all the way to the east, the right, over a street from the bakery, there is a viewing platform of sorts for the ocean. There are concrete benches there, pretty ones adorned with the words Nye Beach and a symbol of a crab if I remember right. And OMG, the view, the view, the waves, it never stops being amazing. And so I didn't really feel like dealing with a sandy beach again as me and Sandy Beaches do NOT get along well. But just to sit and watch the beach and the waves roll in, it was like being at some kind of IMAX movie but in real life ya know...just beautiful. To sit and listen to the music and see this stunning sight from such a comfortable vantage point. Wow. Will have to go back there. Is usually windy down there but wasn't tomorrow, will have to check wind forecasts more often. Lots of people.
Anyway so tried to go to group of rocks but a stream of sorts seperated me from it. So lacking time as I was supposed to meet RM at 12 to go to Seal Rock, I left. And immediately got drawn into a street of shops I missed - this one much prettier and more enticing and charming than the other streets. The cobblestones - were they? I can't remember - maybe maybe not - reminded me almost of a street in the Old Port which made me feel very at home. It was but it wasn't. Anyway. A couple seafood resteraunts , one had a steak and shrimp combo that looked rather enticing. Got to the end of the street, nothing interesting, one more block, then I would figure out how to get back to Oceana to meet RM.
And then I saw it. Cafe Stephanie, Eat In or Take Out, it said. I figured any place already set up for take out was a good bet for being able to , well, take out something.... and I saw the open doorway in the back. People were bustling about so I asked for a take out menu. I was given one and looked at it.... Oh, heaven, chicken ceaser. Also had blackened salmon, remind me, I have to try that one next time - this one was so good I bet that would be even better - although they do tend to do really weird things to salmon here. I don't even know how salmon would taste in ceaser. Never tried it. But anyway. I digress. I was planning to make a note of it to come back to later as I was already late in meeting RM, but then I figured, how long could a chicken ceaser take? 10 min at most? I could still get back to Oceana by our planned leaving time of 12:30 if I waited ten minutes, so I decided to go for it, since it was lunch time and I was hungry.
I went back to the open door and lingered for a minute while I tried to figure out my game plan of how I was going to make my request in the somewhat unorthodox way of ordering through the delivery door. Screwing up the courage, I called through the door, "Excuse me. Is there any chance I can place an order?" The waitress didn't even blink or seem to think the request was odd, or ask me to come in. She asked what I wanted, and I said chicken ceaser; she said it'll be ready in two minutes. She came back out to give me the check to sign and get my card from me, and then a few minutes later came back out with the food. Talk about service! Service with a smile, prompt, quick, easy, and most amazing of all: the food was actually good. With a two minute prep time you'd think it would be cold, thrown together, unappetizing. And most chicken ceasers are a crapshoot at best; you never know what the quality of the chicken is going to be. Which reminds me, I don't think I ever ordered a chicken ceaser at Whole Foods in Portland. I should have. Theirs is good. Kept forgetting. Oh well. I knew I had had a good chicken ceaser somewhere in Portland. I wonder if the one in Bend will have one? Mmmmm. Anyway. Back to the story.
So, usually either the dressing is gross or the chicken is; some are edible but not remarkable. Most fall into that category.
This was actually GOOD! I opened the to-go container, wondering what I would find. The salad was visually pleasing; I grabbed a fork and started eating. The sharp, poignant, pleasant flavors of the ceaser dressing hit my mouth immediately. I tried the chicken. Hot and with a slight grilled flavor, tender, tasty! A miracle had been born: a chicken ceaser with decent chicken AND dressing and presentation .... an all around great salad. Newport, you're doing all right if you got me a decent chicken ceaser. I give much kudos for that.
So I sat at the sidewalk table and ate it. All of it. Every last morsel. I don't usually eat so much salad but that was damn good. I'll have to get it again.
Not that I like walking all the way to Nye Beach especially if it's windy out but that's a pretty good reason.
Oh yeah and then some woman with a dog came up immediately after that, peered thru the open delivery door, and said "Can I order from here? I have a dog so I can't come in." I said to her, "Hey, I just did that!" and she said, "Oh, do you have a dog, too?" I said no. She asked me if I ordered the chicken ceaser when she saw how much I liked it, and I said yes, and she ordered it too. I told her it was a good choice.
So I called RM to see when she wanted to go to Seal Rock, which we were going to do during her 12-4pm break from clients. A town 15 min away with a new beach. She said 1 would be fine so I made my way back slowly - and figured out how to get back from Nye Beach to Oceana, that's quite a feat, lol.
Remembered to go back up the street straight up from the PAC sign, and passed where I would turn off for her office, and kept going to the ice cream place. Then crossed the very difficult to cross highway, turned right, went down the street a little, and boom, I was at Oceana! It's so fun to actually know your way around and be able to figure out how to get places. It is such a feeling of satisfaction, I can't tell you.
So, RM's plans got changed a little as she had a client scheduled last munute for 2:45, but we still had a little time for Seal Rock. So off we went and got there by about 1:30, about 45 min to spend there.
Ugh, I just got all distracted. By happenings in the house. It hadnt broken my focus completely until the Internet stopped working. Dang Internet. Focus again.
Seal Rock: Beautiful beach as usual. Took some pictures I'll put up tomorrow. I don't always remember to put link in here but between Facebook and emails I think most of you see them, if not, just go to one of my albums already listed and on the top left hand it shoudl list any new ones I've put up. Original album is www.photobucket.com/newportoregon
Lots of rocks, pretty waves, some wave rock interaction....Not a whole lot to see to be honest in comparison with the other places but beautiful in its own way. Camera batteries died AGAIN after like half an hour so ran to get spare ones. Missed great shot of fisherman on the rocks against the ocean though. Oh well, got other ones.
Had only a short time but it was nice to see another beach. Heard Simon and Garfunkel's I am a Rock.
We thought we'd go toa a nearby cookie shop but they were closed.
When we got back to town, I sat in the car to make a phone call and rest. Called my friend D in New Hampshire, she is planning on coming out here in the middle of the month sometime. That will be good, I think. If she really comes, we shall see, and if I am still here, which is something I can't decide, which is somewhat driving me crazy.
We got back about 3, at 4 I set out my last mission for the day: getting ice cream. Mmmm. I
asked RM how to get to the ice cream place from Oceana and her directions didnt make sense to me verbally but when I tried to do what she said, it all fell into place and made sense! I got there without getting lost once! Perfect. You go down the street south of the office and it leads into the highway with the shops eventually. All these places are interconnected! The directions are starting to make sense! lol
I love that place more each time I go in... for some reason I can tolerate it, and it is so much fun being in an ice cream shop, especially one as good as this one. The expresso ice cream, which is homemade, has got to be a serious contender for the best ice cream I have ever had in my life. I was hesitant about giving it this title the first time or two I had it, but now that I've had it three times, I think I can honestly say this may be the case. The expresso flavor is strong and robust and HITS you in the mouth the SECOND you put it in your mouth, which is a sign of any good ice cream. And it never stops, the flavor is rich and amazing.
Their non homemade but still local to Oregon ice creams were good, but not a quarter as good as this one. There was no comparison. I sampled many of them. It was the first time I felt comfortable enough to stay in the store long enough to do any samples, and I was glad for that. The guy who waited on me was very nice.
Mmmm and then I decided I would go back to Oceana before meeting her at the office at 5, and I ACTUALLY KNEW HOW TO GET THERE TOO! Wooohoo, lol. Cross the highway and two blocks east. Used the bathroom, bought some cheap raspberries and vegetable rice crackers (my new favorite snack, but theyre addictive), and I KNEW HOW TO GET TO THE OFFICE FROM THERE! lol see a theme here? it's so fun to know how to navigate different parts of town on my own. I've always loved that about new cities or any city. Go down to where the flag is down the street, bear left, walk straight till you come to the intersection, go up a block...Something like that. Easy.
So, I now know how to get to Oceana, the office, the bayfront and Nye Beach to and from various points. The good part is not just knowing how to get to points A, B, C, and D from Point A; the good part is when you can generalize and get to B from C and C from D and A from B and so on. So that's kind of cool.
Left about 6.
I was afraid the humidity would be a problem as that has been a big problem for me lately; I didn't go outside for three days in a row because of it. It seems to be much worse here where the house is, inland, than it is on the ocean in Newport. There is no doubt it still bothered me in Newport today, but it was entirely tolerable, as long as I lowered my expectations waay down and didn't expect myself to do anything other than, well, walk. In other words if I had expected myself to enjoy it as much as I usually do I would have absolutely choked on the expectations. But if I just said "Go and do it" and did it, then I could pressure free. I sure wish I could do that with the rest of my life - free myself from expectations.
I had to keep moving more because sitting in one place and thinking about the air and the way it made me feel too much was not good....but it was okay - the important thing is to tailor each day to your individual needs that day. I had some ideas of what I wnated to do before I came but the ychanged as I realized what my needs and wants were - which is good .
I am struggling to decide when to go to Bend, either June 14, 26, or July 5 are my options.
because of weather related reasons and other minor issues I had basically decided to go the 14th as originally planned, but now I am way leanng the other way as I don't want to leave RM, I feel like I have so much more I can benefit from and learn from and enjoy from her. As long as the humidity is tolerable I think I will wait out the month. Two months is a nice even time to be soemwhere. We shall see. Also, my mom is supposed to come, and I am a little nervous about that. She is interviewing for a job in, of all places in the entire country, Eugene, which is 2 hrs from here and 2.5 hrs from Bend. So if she came she'd be smack in the middle of the two cities, which is kind of funny and rather convenient. But I am a little overwhelmed at the prospect of managing and navigating her stay, mainly because she will want to go places in a rental car and because of MCS I can't tolerate rental cars. I am very nervous about breaking this to her. She should know from previous experience, of course, but I don't expect her to remember. It's not much notice, it's either this Friday or next Friday I think. I hope it's next. Or maybe this Saturday. Who knows. It might be nice if she lived 2 hrs away and we could go hiking together sometimes, but I am a little nervous about this visit. Whatever, we shall see.
Okay I gave in and put the heater on, but at least I waited three hours to do so. I really do wish it was warmer in here at night. It would make focusing and relaxing so much easier. But what can you do right. I don't like this heater, it makes me somewhat groggy and hard to focus, but being cold is worse. And I'm not sure I should be asking RM to make a fire in June....but it is probably 50 degrees or so outside and no heat inside,so, it happens. Whatever.
My friend Deb said to me on the phone today "Kate, do you want to have happiness or peace?"
She was referring to my by now age old dilemma of trying to label things too much to decide for sure if I am happy or not - and she's probably right. I guess. Labeling is good for certain things and certain times but you can certainly go too far. In deciding that you don't need to label something and just want to experience it, whatever it is, then you will have peace.
I can do that sometimes and in some areas of my life but overall I find it a dificult task because the only way I make sense of my life is to label, describe, analyze, and so on.
But sometimes...Just being ok with whatever happens.....is much more peaceful.
Anyway something I'll have to remember and think about later.
Something I'm wondering about the leaving issue, you know, how much emotional growth will I miss out on with RM if I leave early? Balance that against humidity, no cell phone, so on.... I can't even remember....it's just that I need distraction on the days Im home.
But whatever....one day at a time.
Yawning, heat is making me super sleepy. Need to keep believing, be patient, it will come together. Do some writing if I can tomorrow. We will see. One day at a time.
I should be proud of msyelf for going out and having fun on a somewhat humid day where I had to get up early. I did good.
One day at a time.
Goodnight
Kate
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